The Hitchhikers Guide to Random stuff
Part 5
A/N: Sorry for the long wait! Thanks for the star wars idea.
For those who care, this is slightly longer than the rest of the chapters.
Entry ID 13325235436534: Automatic Pencil Sharpeners
One of the many things that people have decided to outlaw on their various planets is the Automatic pencil sharpner. The reason is simple. To tell you, imagine that you go back 5,000 million years in a time capsule. Then imagine that a small dog shaped creature travels forward in time to witness these events.
Many years ago there was another terrible war. Wars are numerous almost everywhere in the known universe, but this one was particularly nasty. The two sides had been locked in stalemate for hundreds and hundreds of years, until one side was met by a time traveller from the future who would, many years later, travel back in time to them to tell them how to make a time machine, using future technology, then sent a person who would be dead in the future to go back and wipe out the other side, an act of genocide. The reasons he did this are unclear, but neurologists from the future think he travelled to the past in order to get the race to travel in the past so that things would be a lot better for him in the future, or his present.
At that very moment, as the time machine was travelling, a peace treaty had been agreed on. This was a maxi-megilon peace treaty, beaming the news of peace into the brains of the warring race or races. However, they decided to sign it using primitive writing implements, I.E pencils. The time traveller, however, had gone back to the past in order to wipe out the opposition, when he found a small race of very primitive sea slugs, which would evolve to be his opponents. He primed his Kill-O-Zap blaster pistol and aimed.
Meanwhile, the second president was just about to sign the peace treaty when his pencil, Unfortunatley of course, snapped. Luckily (he thought) he had a pencil-O-Matic, which should have sharpened his pencil. However, when he slid the pencil in, the machine immediately sharpened it to such a degree that the led snapped. He tried again and again, but did not succeed. Before someone thought of lending him a biro, the time traveller commited genocide and killed 5,000,000,000 ant-moose hybrids.
Thus, automatic pencil sharpeners have been banned from that day onwards.
Entry ID 32543573764332345: Star Wars
A Long, Long Time ago, In a Galaxy Far Far away, someone was eating peanuts that used to belong to a certain Darth Vader.
Meanwhile, yesterday afternoon in our galaxy, someone who was searching for those peanuts found a history sheet of wars which were fought a long long time ago in this galaxy, between the Jedi and the Sith. They fought with extremely primitive yet powerful weapons called lightsabers, a impossible idea involving light being able to slice through nearly anything. An added interview said that the lightsabers simply stopped time around them while the owners found a good rusty sword to cut through the wood, metal droidskin, R2-D2's eyestalk or Anakin Skywalker's Legs, or whatever else they were chopping. They would then throw the sword away and turn time back on.
The mysterious thing was that it turned out that the Sith were weaklings who were almost instantly crushed. However, the (much stronger) Campaign For Real Time allied with them, and together, without any Jedi discovering, they built robots and fake figureheads to do the fighting for them. Their greatest success was when they replaced one Anakin Skywalker with a cleverly made fake. They slaughtered nearly all the Jedi. However, one remained, who then died when a huge piggy-bank fell on his head.
However (again) the Jedi had only written fictitious records claiming that they won. Every person who is not a fan of these stories is now trying to convince them that this is not so. However, they will only accept written proof from a Sith Lord, so those people who were bothered and had nothing better to do went out in search of Darth Vader's peanuts, on which he had written the true tale. Their quest was in vain, however, as they were eaten by a very lost blue furry creature from Alpha Centurai.