Now Comes The Night
Summary: Kirsten is left alone when Sandy ditches her for The Newport Group. Post-3.19.
Disclaimer: I own zip, nothing, nada. The characters belong to Josh Schwarz and the lyrics are from Now Comes The Night by Rob Thomas.
Thankfully, we now have some actual story lines to work with, so I'm making the most of it. I just wanted to delve more into how Kirsten would have felt being left alone, again, by Sandy and how it al relates back to last year.
No, you will not be forgotten,
And you will not be alone.
No, you will not be lonely,
And you will not be afraid.
She lay there.
Motionless.
Unable to move, yet wanting to be unable to feel.
She lay there.
Alone with her thoughts that refused to leave, in the solitude of her room.
She wanted him to be here, yet she knew that it was out of her control. She knew that he too had been seized by the all empowering Newport Group.
Staring at a photograph perched on her side table; she could see the fake smiles. She could feel the closeness of their cheeks, those smiles pressing against each other allowing her the contact she had been longing for. And even though it was pretence, she now wished she even had that.
She knew that staring at a photograph wouldn't bring back what they had, even if what they had in that photograph was fake. But it gave her hope, and that's what she needed.
While being alone, her thoughts had quickly turned to the negative until they scared her so much she willed them away. Whirring around her head, she tried to force them out.
Unsuccessfully.
She rolled over, now lying on her back, and reached her arm out. It fell upon his pillow.
Empty.
She could feel the slight indent of where his head had lied, this morning. But for now it was empty.
Cold.
A harsh reminder that he wasn't there.
It was times like these when she resented rehab. When she realised that it had worn her down and she no longer was strong enough to hide everything inside. It was times like these when she wished that none of this had happened, and life was so much easier.
But she knew that it was these thoughts that made everything worse. It was these thoughts that threw her back to what she had, and the realisation of what she'd lost was just too much. The contrast of now with then, the memories passing by.
When she would wake Sandy up with a kiss in the middle of the night that inevitably led to more.
When she knew without a doubt that there was a reason why they were together.
When she didn't have to fall asleep without him.
And as much as she wished it was true, she had believed that everything last year would stay there. That the new year would bring on a new start, and nothing would seep through. But the past will never truly be the past; its presence will always be here; now and in the future.
Haunting.
She rolled over again. Now she faced where Sandy would lie; when he was home, that is.
Now, though, it was nothing short of a miracle if they went to bed at the same time, without having to find him and beg him to come to bed. Now they had become that couple:
The couple that would go to bed at different times.
Would eat their meals separately.
Would inevitably get out of sync with each other and lose their once present rhythm.
And as much as she had willed herself to make everything better, there was only so much she could do on her part. And as much as she knew that many of their problems could be accredited to her, there were some that she didn't instigate. Yet it was those ones that were still prevalent. Those ones that were still the problem.
She had promised herself that she would fix what was broken in her marriage, but now it was no longer her tearing holes in it. While she had tried to patch things up as they appeared, it was now out of her control and she couldn't be relied on to act as the band-aid.
She had opened herself up to him, in the beginning. They had turned a new leaf over, gladly, and she had exposed herself like she once did so many years before. Yet after a while, after he took over the company, she saw him slowly slip away from her again.
Provoking the feelings she had settled so long ago with her father, he had brought those up again.
The feelings of inadequacy, as she was prioritised after the company; after the money.
The feelings of loneliness, as the attention she deserved was spent on the empire they both tried to build.
She reached out.
Further.
Grasping at his pillow and pulling herself closer.
She inhaled the scent, his scent, and while doing so imagined him lying there, embracing her in his strong arms. But it was too hard to pretend now. She had tried to pretend last year and that had backfired immensely; nearly to the point of no return.
Security.
That is what she craved.
Yet now she no longer had it, now nothing was certain. While she may have thought that she could rely on him, she now knew that was wrong.
Her last efforts had been a failure. She had wanted him to dine with her, and then walk with her. She had wanted him to reignite the passion, realise why he had married her in the first place. However, just like her father, he had passed up the opportunity of time in her company for time at work.
The efforts of her worry had unbeknown to her, worn her down. And now the sleep she longed for, finally began to grip her as her eyelids sleepily shut all the while as she gripped tightly to his pillow.
A tear escaping and rolling down her cheek.
And when the fog has finally lifted,
From my cold and tired brow.
No, I will not leave you crying.
No, I will not let you down.
He entered and saw her entwined with his pillow.
Pausing a moment, in silence, he could hear her gasping breaths that accompanied the troubled look upon her face.
Softly wandering over to where she lay, he perched on the side of his bed that was his and he could see the little girl inside her. He could see the nightmares plaguing her mind as she willed them away ineffectively and would eventually awaken with numerous tears spilling down her face.
Although, for now he could only see the salty track left by one lone tear that was caused by something other than these nightmares; or by the cause of those too.
He slipped under the covers and reached out. Slowly but surely he wrapped her up in his arms, her head resting against his chest. But now the ragged breathing no longer subsided.
Now just more than his return was needed.
Now comes the night, feel it fading away.
And the soul underneath, is it all that remains?
So, just slide over here, leave your feel in the fray.
Let us hold to each other until the end of our days.
Please, please, please review!