(AN: I really hate starting off every author's note with the same words… but I apologize for the wait. College is a little more work than I had previously imagined… plus, writer's block and laziness doesn't help much. ; I've had a lot of papers and projects due recently, and in my spare time, I've gotten distracted by things such as The Muppet Show, John Adams, chocolate cake, and vacuuming up dead Japanese beetles in my dorm room. But anyway… thanks for all the reviews! And welcome to the party, Growly Genet, Amras Felagund, MisstressMoonDemon, and C. Anon! I hope you continue reading!
Oh yeah, by the way (just have to mention this), to all of you who were expecting Jorgen to be cast in the Lieutenant Dan role… to be honest, I was originally planning it that way too. I'll admit—Jorgen's my favorite character on this show. (What in the name of my massive biceps…?) And Crocker was going to be the drill sergeant. However, when I thought about it… isn't that what JORGEN is? A drill sergeant? I also realized that Crocker could probably convey more of the raw emotions better than Jorgen could, which is essential to the Lieutenant Dan role. So I swallowed my pride and swapped the roles.
Okay, now on with the chapter.)
O.o.O
"And that's all I have to say about that," finished Cosmo quietly.
"It was a bullet, wasn't it?"
Cosmo spun around. "Huh?" The woman and her child were gone. In their place was a rather portly man in a checkered suit.
"That jumped up and bit you."
"Oh!" Cosmo recalled that, during his narrative, he had mentioned that strange feeling of getting bitten, or so it had seemed. "Yes sir! That's what it was, alright! Right on my fanny!"
The man blinked. "Excuse me?"
Cosmo smiled. "My butt. My behind. My posterior—heeeey! I didn't know I knew that word! Posterior, posterior, pos—"
"Okay, okay, I get it, you were shot in the arse," the man interrupted.
Cosmo blinked. "What's an arse?"
"It's another word for posterior."
"Oh! …What's posterior again?"
"I give up," sighed the man.
"Well, anyway… everyone told me it was million dollar wound, but I still haven't seen one single nickel of that million dollars! Although if I did, I'd name her Philip," smiled Cosmo. "But anyway… My butt hurt, a lot. A WHOLE lot. So I was in this little hospital place for awhile. It wasn't much fun," he recalled. "Every time I tried to walk, I kind of waddled, since my butt was still in so much pain! The only good thing was the ice cream I got! I could eat all the ice cream I wanted! YAY ICE CREAM!"
O.o.O
Sure, being in a hospital was boring. And he couldn't stop thinking about what he could have done differently, what he could have done to save Timmy's life. And, of course, Wanda was permanently etched into his mind… and heart.
But still, Cosmo couldn't deny how much he was enjoying all this free ice cream.
"Mmm, ice cream!" he sang to himself happily as a weary nurse wheeled his bed to the window. Cosmo took a lick off of the ice cream cone in his left hand—the one in his right remained unlicked. "Too bad the only flavor they have is vanilla, though. I would have liked some cheese flavored ice cream!"
The nurse merely sighed at this.
"Hey, Lieutenant Denzel! I got you some ice cream!" said Cosmo with a smile, handing over the ice cream cone in his right hand to Crocker, who was on the bed next to him.
Crocker didn't move. He was turned away from Cosmo, and Cosmo couldn't have known how blank his normally blood-shot eyes were.
"Lieutenant Denzel! Ice cream!" said Cosmo, waving the ice cream around the lieutenant's face.
Crocker listlessly took the ice cream cone and threw it in his chamber pot.
"Eew," said Cosmo, shrugging off his friend's strange behavior and devoting his entire attention on his ice cream cone.
"Time for your bath, Lieutenant," a nurse said to Crocker.
Crocker raised his arms up to grab a small handle hanging off of the ceiling and tried to pull himself up… not with complete success. The nurse helped him. Crocker's legs—that is, what was left of them—dangled uselessly.
Someone had told Cosmo that Lieutenant Denzel's legs had been shot up so badly, they had had to be amputated just below the knees.
Although Cosmo knew what had happened, it still was somewhat of a shock to see Lieutenant Denzel without legs… without being able to move himself without the help of a nurse, without…
"Uh… Smith? Is there someone named Uhsmith here?"
"I'm Cosmo Uhsmith!" cried Cosmo, raising an arm in the air. The man who had called out his name threw a large pack of letters on his bed.
Cosmo grabbed the letters and pulled off the rubber band, rather surprised. His mother wrote him often, but never thirty letters at once. And she was the only one who…
He read the envelope on the first one—it was one of his letters to Wanda, with the words RETURN TO SENDER stamped obnoxiously over his painstaking handwriting.
His breathing quickening, Cosmo looked at the next letter. Another RETURN TO SENDER. So was the next one. And the next.
They all were.
O.o.O
Cosmo hadn't spoken all day.
He sat in front of the TV in the common room of the Vietnamese army hospital, staring listlessly at whatever show was playing—whatever it was, it wasn't registering with him. Even if it did… it wouldn't have mattered. Nothing seemed to matter. Nothing would have made him happy, at any rate.
It was bad enough losing Timmy—oh God, he should have gotten to him quicker! He shouldn't have run so fast, he should have stayed with Timmy the whole time. But now, thanks to Cosmo's blatant stupidity, Timmy was dead. Timmy, one of the only people to fully accept him for who he was—was gone. Forever.
And the other person who had accepted him, for all Cosmo knew, had fallen off the face of the earth. Wanda hadn't received a single one of his letters. What could it mean? Did she move? Did she—God forbid—die? Or had she just not wanted to read a single word of Cosmo's unintelligible babble and ordered the postman to take them away?
Something suddenly bounced off Cosmo's head.
"Nice catch, Uhsmith!"
Cosmo rubbed his head and turned to the speaker, a man playing ping-pong. Like most of the people at the hospital, he had a fair share of bandages on—one wrapped around his head and a sling on his arm—but that seemed to inhibit his ping pong game not one iota.
"You look like you could use something to do," said the man in a friendly way, holding out a paddle.
Cosmo shook his head. "I really don't feel like it," he mumbled.
The man blinked. "Are you really that happy, slightly insane but still friendly Cosmo Uhsmith that I've heard everyone talk about? Come on. I know the horrors of war just as well as you, but we've got to get our minds off of it somehow. And if you ask me, the best way to do that is to play ping pong. Come on. Have you ever played ping pong before?"
"No," admitted Cosmo.
"Well then, it's a good time to learn." The man slowly made his way back to the ping pong table. Cosmo, giving in, stood up and hobbled his way there as well.
The man handed Cosmo a paddle. "Now, the key to this game is to NEVER take your eye off of the ball, you got that?"
"I think so…" Cosmo suddenly rammed his head onto the ping pong ball, jamming it squarely in his eye. "OUCH!"
"It's a metaphor," muttered the man.
"What's a metaphor?"
"Let me try this again. The key to this game is to always, and I mean ALWAYS, pay attention to the ball." With that, the man served the ball to his playing companion, who shot it back.
Automatically, Cosmo hit the ball back to the other player.
"You see? You can do it," said the ping pong man.
"I'm not sure why," recalled Cosmo, "but ping pong came real natural to me. After that, I played ping pong all the time… even when I had no one to play ping pong with! I got so good that people came to watch me play. They said it made me look like a duck in water, although I have no idea why. I don't have feathers, I don't say quack, and I wasn't wet! But anyway… I even played ping pong at night!"
Well, he didn't exactly play at night.
But he slept holding on to his paddle, his mind wandering like it always did… even while he was playing. For somehow, ping pong was his way of trying, in the only way he knew how, to deal with Timmy's death and Wanda's complete absence from his life. And he channeled all of that built up energy—most people would have been surprised to know that Private Uhsmith hoarded as much anger and despair that he did—with every hit of the ball.
Without warning, however, Cosmo suddenly found himself pulled off of his bed and onto the floor. It was Crocker.
"Now, you listen to me, you stupid moron!" snapped Crocker. "We all have a destiny—nothing just happens, it's all part of a plan!"
"Speaking of plans, you should see the original plans for Mama's house! They're—"
"You IDIOT! I don't CARE! Don't you get what I'm trying to SAY to you? I had a DESTINY to die out there in the field! But you RUINED it, you little shit! You RUINED it! You CHEATED me out of my destiny!"
Cosmo didn't know what to say to that… and he didn't know what to do about those tears that were welling up in his eyes. He had messed everything up—Timmy should have lived and Lieutenant Denzel should have died, not the other way around. Only a complete moron like him could have screwed that up!
"I should have died an honorable death out there, serving my country… but you've condemned me to live the rest of my life as some sort of legless freak!"
Trying to be optimistic, Cosmo said, "Well, you've always been a freak… you were already halfway there!"
Grabbing Cosmo by the shirt collar, Crocker pulled him even closer to him. "Do you know what it's like to not be able to use your legs?" he hissed.
"Uh, yes sir, I do," said Cosmo.
Crocker gaped at him. "Did you hear what I said?" he snapped.
"Huh? Oh, no! I mean no, I don't know!" cried Cosmo. "I thought you asked if I liked cheese."
Crocker let go of Cosmo and feebly flopped down on the ground. "Don't you understand?" he said, with a calmness that, given Crocker's general temperament and the way he had just been freaking out moments ago, perplexed Cosmo. "This wasn't supposed to happen. Not to me. I was… Lieutenant Denzel Crocker!"
Cosmo blinked at Crocker fearfully. "You're… still… Lieutenant Denzel."
Crocker sighed, deciding finally to ignore Cosmo's comments. Instead, he pushed himself up to a sitting position, dragging his stumps of legs along with him. He wasn't looking at Cosmo, but Cosmo could still see the pained expression on his face, and could hear with terrible clarity a sentence that would haunt him for years to come.
"What am I going to do now?"
O.o.O
As if Timmy and Wanda hadn't been enough factors weighing him down… now it was this. Cosmo had messed up Lieutenant Denzel's destiny. Thanks to him, Lieutenant Denzel would have to spend his whole life in a wheelchair… when he should have died that honorable death out in the field…
His ping pong playing had become even more intense now, as he bounced the ball back and forth against the wall faster and faster…
"Private Uhsmith?"
Remembering his military training, Cosmo immediately grabbed the ping pong ball, set down his paddle, and stood at attention, yelling, "YES SIR!"
"Uh… as you where."
Cosmo smiled at that, and reached for his paddle, but the corporal stopped him.
"Son… you've been awarded the Medal of Honor."
Cosmo grinned. "Coo-al! Uh… what's that?"
O.o.O
"America owes you a debt of gratitude, son."
Cosmo tried to keep his straight military face as president Lyndon B. Johnson hung that medal that looked like some sort of silly necklace around his neck. People had told him that he'd gotten some huge army honor—and he could hear his mama whispering rather loudly to the people sitting next to her, "That's my little boy!" but still… he felt a little silly.
LBJ extended his hand, and Cosmo shook it. "I understand you were wounded," said the president. "Where were you hit?"
Cosmo grinned. "Right in the butt!"
There were a few mild gasps from the crowd.
LBJ seemed amused, however. "I bet that's a sight. You know…" he pulled in a little closer to Cosmo—Cosmo had never realized just how tall the president was—"I'd kinda like to see that."
Cosmo considered this.
"Okay, if you insist!" he finally said, turning around and pulling down his pants, showing his posterior wound for all to see.
The gasps were now not so mild… in fact, they were shocked.
"Oh my Lord! COSMO!" shrieked Mama Cosma.
LBJ started chuckling. Softly at first, but they grew in magnitude. Snorting with laughter, he managed to walk down through the path between the crowd, laughing, "God damn, son!"
"After that, Mama said that she needed to lay down for about five years… I still don't know what she meant by that," admitted Cosmo. "But anyway, I thought I'd take that chance to tour the capital! It was fun at first, but I had to stand in line… EVERYWHERE!"
Cosmo, standing by the White House, raised up his camera to take a picture of it… but a loud woman wearing a jacket with a lot of patches on it suddenly pushed him into a line of a couple of other army men, although none dressed as impeccably as Cosmo was. "Get in, get in!" she cried. "Alright, everyone ready? Okay, let's MOVE!"
The other army men pushed Cosmo ahead, although he was still trying to take his picture.
Cosmo was still so intent on taking pictures, in fact, that he didn't even notice the bus behind them, and the huge banner on it that said "ARMED FORCES AGAINST THE VIETNAM WAR". But even if he had, he probably wouldn't have thought much of it. Just as long as they were taking him someplace that had cheese.
Unfortunately, they took him right behind the Lincoln Memorial, and Cosmo saw no cheese anywhere.
Somebody tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, you're a good man for doing this!" he said.
Cosmo blinked. "Okay… do I get cheese for whatever it is I'm doing?"
"They took me to some place where a guy wearing an American flag was yelling at this huge crowed of people… and he said the F word. A lot! F this, and F that… I was getting kind of tired of it!"
Cosmo was trying to make out what the man was saying until he suddenly realized that he was facing him, motioning him up to the microphones. "Come on, man! Come on!"
"Yeah, you!" cried the loud woman, pushing Cosmo up to the platform.
It was a good thing that Cosmo wasn't all that shy, for he had never seen so many people gathered in one place in his life. They seemed to stretch all the way back to the Washington Monument, and many were holding signs that Cosmo didn't understand… signs that said, "SEND OUR TROOPS HOME!" "HEY HEY LBJ HOW MANY KIDS DID YOU KILL TODAY?" "PEACE!" and, the most confusing of all, many signs with some sort of weird circle with a few lines in the middle.
"Tell us about the war, man," said Abbie Hoffman, the man in the flag.
Cosmo gave him a look. Which war? The English Civil War?
"The one in Vietnam?" he asked, hazarding what he hoped was a good guess.
"The war in Viet-fucking-NAM!" hollered Hoffman, the mikes screeching and the crowed cheering.
Cosmo blinked and stared at the crowd, feeling a bit shy for the first time in his life.
"There was only one thing I could say about the war in Vietnam," admitted Cosmo.
"There's only one thing I can say about the war in Vietnam," admitted Cosmo, surprised by how clearly the microphones projected his voice. "In Vietnam—"
A policeman there suddenly pulled out some of the wires in the stereo equipment.
The loud woman, seeing it, immediately jumped down to him and started beating him up, while some more of her cohorts tried desperately to reassemble the wires, without much success.
As you can imagine, Cosmo's voice suddenly lost that clear projectiveness.
"We can't hear you!" several people cried from the crowd.
Finally, the loud woman put the right wire in the right tab, and the mikes suddenly blared on again.
"—and that's all I have to say about that," Cosmo finished.
There was dead silence.
Hoffman put his arms around Cosmo's shoulder. "Right on, man," he said quietly, sounding as if he were on the verge of tears. "You said it all." He took a few moments to pat Cosmo on the shoulders, clearly emotionally touched. "What's your name, man?" he finally asked.
Speaking into the microphones, Cosmo said, "My name's Cosmo! Cosmo… uh… Smith!"
Hoffman turned to the mikes as well. "Cosmo Uhsmith!" he announced.
The crowd gave a cry of approval.
Cosmo had no clue what had just happened, but all these strange people seemed to like what he had said.
"Cosmo!"
Cosmo jerked up to attention, hearing something faint being carried to him on the breeze… he knew what he thought it sounded like, but he wasn't about to get his hopes up. But still… it couldn't be…
Way down by the reflecting pool, someone pushed their way through the crowd and started running through the pool, although it seemed difficult in that dress she was in.
Cosmo stared. He could never, ever mistake that swirly pink hair.
"Wanda!" he gasped.
And, without waiting any longer, he pushed his way through the throngs of people on the steps up to the Lincoln memorial, down through the people gathered on the grass, through them, into the reflecting pool—it was her! It was, it was, it was—
Finally reaching each other, Cosmo grabbed Wanda and pulled her into a tight hug, swinging her out of the water.
The entire crowd cheered.
"It was the happiest day of my life," said Cosmo. "Well, one of the happiest days of my life. I guess it ranks up there with a bunch of other ones… but let's just say, I was HAPPY! Wanda and I were together again, and she took me to see some of her friends!"
"Close that window, you way too interesting army guy."
The blinds suddenly shut in Cosmo's face, and he felt his pupils widen as his eyes tried to adjust to the dimly lit room. The guy who shut the blind—a rather square-ish looking man in a business suit, gave Cosmo a scowl.
"I don't see why we let him in here anyway," said another guy, wearing the same gray suit. "He stands out too much with that green hair and army uniform."
"Agreed, HP, but we did allow Juandissimo and his girlfriend in, and Wanda's hair is a shade of pink that is too fun and bright for our order," said the first.
"What… exactly… is your order?" Cosmo asked.
"Shall I break it down, Sanderson?" asked HP.
"Oh yes. Break it down," said Sanderson.
"Oh, cut it out guys," said Wanda, stopping HP and Sanderson before they broke into what must have been a very strange rap (it being the 1960's and all). "He doesn't need to know." She shot Cosmo an apologetic look.
The man next to her, a Hispanic guy with muscles and a face and body that women could die for, sneered at Cosmo. "Wanda, mi amor, who is your baby-killer friend who is unworthy of your—and especially my—presence?"
Cosmo scowled. He had just met him, and he already knew that he didn't like this guy one bit.
"This is my good friend Cosmo… we grew up together. We were best friends. Cosmo, this is Juandissimo, I met him down in New Mexico—"
"I suppose rapping would be pointless, as it is only the 1960's," said Sanderson, cutting off Wanda.
"Can we talk about this?" Juandissimo snapped to Wanda at the same time Sanderson was talking.
"We might as well just tell you about what we stand for in our usual boring way," said HP as Wanda , irritated, tried to get away from Juandissimo, but he went after her anyway, pointing and accusing her of something… HP and Sanderson were still talking dryly, but Cosmo hardly heard… and then…
Juandissimo SLAPPED Wanda.
HARD.
So hard, in fact, that Wanda fell backwards, almost to the ground.
That DID it.
Cosmo knew that he was charging as fast as he could towards Juandissimo, but everything seemed to slow down… Wanda's falling, Juandissimo's sneering, his own running, HP and Sanderson's continued boring chit-chat…
But once he reached Juandissimo, time seemed to pick up again.
Which was just fine to Cosmo. He wanted all the time in the world to punch that jerk's lights out.
"Stop! Stop!" cried Wanda, although she didn't know who exactly she was yelling at—Cosmo or Juandissimo. Because the first thought that was running through her mind was, "Juandissimo, you bastard, you're getting what you deserve." However, knowing that she was in enough trouble as it was, she pulled Cosmo off of Juandissimo. Cosmo's fists stopped swinging instantly.
Juandissimo struggled to his feet, a hand up to his left eye. He glared at Wanda. "Yo no te habría traído aquí. Supe que lo habría sido un disastre."
"Oh, speak English, you jerk!" snapped Cosmo.
Shooting one more glare at them through his one good eye, Juandissimo withdrew.
"That was way too interesting for our boring club," said HP dryly. "I'm afraid that you two will have to leave."
Wanda sighed and looked at Cosmo. "Come on, Cosmo," she said.
Cosmo stood up and followed her… because all she ever had to do was ask, and he'd go. He wondered vaguely if she even knew that.
Before leaving, however, he turned and gave a slightly apologetic look to HP and Sanderson. "Sorry for ruining your really boring group," he said.
O.o.O
"He doesn't mean it, he really doesn't."
"Wanda? What are you talking about? How could anyone EVER hurt you? I never could, not even on accident—it sure looked like me meant it!" Cosmo was on the verge of tears, although he didn't want Wanda to know. She seemed to push him away whenever he wanted to help her.
Wanda gave Cosmo a very strange look—almost a sad one. "I know you'd never hurt me, Cosmo."
"You deserve so much better than him," muttered Cosmo.
Despite herself, Wanda blushed. She had forgotten how much Cosmo made her feel like a princess.
"I will admit, Cosmo… I was almost glad you beat him up. He kind of deserved that."
"There's nothing kind of about it," muttered Cosmo. He fixed his gaze upon Wanda, trying not to notice that stinging red area on her face.
He wanted to touch her so bad, but he was afraid to.
They were outside in the cold night air, just walking past the White House. Compared to how things had been that afternoon, it was strangely quiet.
"That uniform is a trip, Cosmo," Wanda finally said, giving him a smile.
"A trip?" Cosmo asked. "You mean like a vacation?"
Wanda laughed. "No, I mean it looks good on you."
There it was again—Wanda thought he looked good! Cosmo could feel himself stand up a bit straighter, puff out his chest a bit more…
Noticing the sudden change of posture, Wanda laughed. "You're so silly, Cosmo." She wrapped her arms around his waist.
"We spent that whole night just talking and talking," said Cosmo, sounding wistful. "We were like cheese and pudding again! I told her all about Vietnam, and she told me about all the traveling she'd done, and how she found new ways to expand her mind and reach harmony, which must be out west somewhere, because she made it all the way to California!" Sighing almost sadly, he added, "I didn't want it to end."
But, of course… all good things must come to an end.
And after only being together for one day… Wanda was leaving.
With Juandissimo.
That fact alone made Cosmo's blood boil.
"I wish you'd stay with me," whispered Cosmo to Wanda. It was morning, and they were standing by the bus that would take Wanda back to California—or wherever she was going.
Wanda shook her head. "I have to go, Cosmo…"
"Wanda…"
Hearing Juandissimo's voice, Wanda spun around.
Juandissimo shuffled his feet, searching for words. "Wanda, I do apologize for what I did last night… it's just this war, and Johnson, and all that other crap…" He gave Wanda what was probably intended to be a loving look, but it was hindered by his black eye and, obviously, those cruel intentions that Cosmo was so sure of. "I would never hurt you."
"HELLO!" cried Cosmo. "You already DID hurt her, you moron! And people call me dumb!"
Juandissimo glared at Cosmo, his eyes… or at least his right one, as it was hard to tell exactly what the squinted up left one looked like, full of loathing. He gave Cosmo the finger and sulked off to the bus.
Wanda blushed. "I'm sorry about him, Cosmo…"
"Why did he point at me with his middle finger?" Cosmo asked.
Wanda sighed and shook her head. "Cosmo… we live very different lives, you know."
Cosmo winced. Oh great. This was sounding like a good-bye speech.
No matter what he did, no matter how lovingly he treated her, Wanda kept leaving him. Why? What on earth was he doing wrong? Did she really like being abused?
Or… more likely, did she just not want to be with an idiot like Cosmo?
Cosmo could feel his eyes well up with tears. Yeah. That was it.
Feeling a sudden impulse take hold, he unhooked his Medal of Honor and handed it to Wanda. "I want you to have this," he said quickly.
Wanda blinked. "Why?"
"I only got it by doing what you told me to do—running," explained Cosmo. "Besides… I just want you to remember me, wherever you go."
Wanda took the medal and traced it with her fingertip. "Why are you so good to me?" she whispered.
"Because I—" Cosmo stopped himself from saying "love you"—he remembered Wanda's reaction the last time he had said that. "Because… because… you're my friend. My best friend. My… I… I wanted you to be my girlfriend, you know," he finally blurt out.
"We'll always be best friends, Cosmo," said Wanda, smiling and hugging him tightly.
Cosmo returned the hug, not ever wanting to let go of her—he didn't care what she said, he loved her! If he only knew one thing in the entire universe, it was that one fact. And he might never see her again… because sooner or later, she was going to pull away from him and get on that bus…
Wanda pulled away from him, gave him a gentle smile, and walked to the stairs of the bus.
She climbed on and smiled at Cosmo and Cosmo did his best to smile back through his heartbreak.
Then Juandissimo smiled, and it didn't take much effort for Cosmo to send him a fierce look.
And then he turned away, not wanting to watch the bus that Wanda was on leave forever…
Tap, tap.
Looking up, Cosmo saw Wanda through the back bus window, smiling at him. She waved and, as the bus slowly started down the road, gave her another finger symbol—but it was different from Juandissimo's—it was both her index and middle finger.
Cosmo waved back, feeling numb.
"And just like that… she was gone. Out of my life again."
O.o.O
(AN: I can't end a chapter on a happy note, can I? :) I'd like to apologize for the length of this, but since you've waited so long, I hope you won't mind that much. And also, Juandissimo's lines are "I shouldn't have brought you here. I knew it would be a disaster." I hope I got the grammar right. Darn "should" sentence!
And to Trixie21, don't worry, Juandissimo will appear later too. Yes, I sorta put him in both roles! He's not going to be the passed out guy, but he will be with Wanda again when she packs up and leaves. So yeah… this ain't the last of him.
I actually like this chapter this time, especially the Crocker scenes. Hope you liked it too! Until next time!)