(AN: I would apologize for the wait, but I'm sure you're all used to it by now. Don't have much else to say this time, except that this chapter has a few religious references. I think that the movie does it very nice and subtle, and I've tried to write them that way, so I really hope I don't offend any Christians, Jews, Buddhists, atheists, blah blah blah… If I do offend, then I apologize. That's not my intention. Okay, enough of that. Here's chapter seven!)
O.o.O
Cosmo stretched out comfortably on the park bench. The man in the checked suit was very good company and seemed interested in his story, and Cosmo was enjoying telling it. "I thought the army was going to send me back to Vietnam, but they decided I was better with a paddle than with a gun. Not that I complained," he added, his voice growing a little softer. He quickly brightened up. "They sent me around the country to the wounded veterans and I played ping pong for them! In fact, I was so good they sent me to China to play! People said we were going to have world peace because I played ping pong with some Communist." Cosmo shrugged. "I still don't understand politics sometimes. But anyway, I was famous after that, so I got to go on all these talk shows…"
O.o.O
"Today on the Dick Cavett show we have the army's international ping pong star, Cosmo Uhsmith!"
The intro music played and someone pushed Cosmo on stage, as he was standing backstage saying to himself, "Wow, that's a catchy tune!" Perplexed, he nearly fell into Dick Cavett, who must have been used to things like this, for he shrugged it off and shook Cosmo by the hand.
"Have a seat," Cavett said to Cosmo, who sat down in the only available seat, which was between Cavett and some guy with glasses and long hair who was smoking something.
Cavett introduced them. "Cosmo Uhsmith, meet John Lennon."
John Lennon gave Cosmo a sleepy half-wave of his hand. "Welcome home," he said in his almost creamy accent.
"So, tell us, Mr. Uhsmith," said Cavett, "what was China like?"
Cosmo sat up a little straighter in his chair, remembering. "Everyone told me it would be completely different from America, and I suppose it was… they didn't have any cheese!"
Lennon leaned forward in surprise. "No processed dairy products?"
"That too!" cried Cosmo. "The people don't have much… and I thought there would be monkeys. But no! No monkeys at all!"
"No small furry primates either?" cried Lennon.
Cavett looked shocked as well. "That's hard to imagine," he said.
"Oh, I don't know, it's easy if you try, Dick," said Lennon with a shrug. "I haven't seen any monkeys in over a month, personally." He leaned back slowly and let his eyes wander, clearly lost in thought.
"A few years later, somebody shot that man, for no reason at all!" cried Cosmo. "I don't understand people sometimes…"
Later that night, Cosmo finally left the studio, after a long discussion with John Lennon about the dwindling world population of monkeys. It was nice to finally meet someone who felt as much concern for the monkeys as he did. Smiling to himself, he pulled up his coat in a mostly feeble attempt to keep warm from the cold night air.
"They gave you a Medal of Honor."
Cosmo froze.
"I'm hearing voices!" he shouted. "Voices that sound a lot like Lieutenant Denzel!"
"Uhsmith, you idiot, it IS me!"
Cosmo spun around. There, on the landing, was a man with long, tangled black hair, a scraggly beard, and somewhat ratty-looking clothing in a wheelchair. It hardly looked like the Lieutenant Denzel that Cosmo knew, but there was no mistaking those glasses, those eyes, and that lack of legs.
"Lieutenant Denzel!" cried Cosmo happily, finally seeing his friend again.
"They gave you, an idiot, a moron, a freak who goes on national television and makes a fool out of himself in front of the whole goddamn COUNTRY, the Medal of Honor?"
Cosmo thought about this for a moment. Finally, he conceded, "Well, if you want to put it that way, then yes, sir!"
Crocker wheeled up to Cosmo and tilted his head upwards to glare at him. "Well!" he finally said, in mock playfulness. "Ain't that just perfect? Well, you know what I have to say to that? God damn bless America!"
Cosmo blinked. "Isn't that a little contradictory?"
Crocker would have had a snappy comeback to that, but, when he spun his wheels around to adjust his wheelchair, the wheels slid on the ice, and Crocker suddenly found himself skidding out of control down the ramp. His journey ended with a loud crash and clatter of a wheelchair slamming into a row of trashcans.
Cosmo gasped. "Lieutenant Denzel!"
O.o.O
"Lieutenant Denzel told me that he was in New York living off the government, and since he didn't have legs, he spent his time strengthening his arms!" said Cosmo. "He was all alone though, so I spent the holidays with him."
Cosmo was sitting in Crocker's small apartment, laughing at the Christmas special on TV. "I love Christmas!" he said happily. "Don't you, Lieutenant Denzel?"
Crocker didn't seem to be listening. "Have you found Jesus yet?" he asked.
Cosmo's eyes grew wide. "Found Jesus? Why, is he lost! OH NO! Lieutenant Denzel! We have to put out one of those lost person ads—"
His panic was interrupted by Crocker's hoarse laugh. "Whenever I go down to the VA, everyone's talking about Jesus. Jesus this, and Jesus this, have you found Jesus yet?"
Cosmo kept silent, realizing that Crocker hadn't been speaking literally… he still wasn't sure what that meant exactly, but whatever it did mean, it seemed to be how Crocker was acting.
"They even had a priest come in one day," said Crocker. He didn't even seem to be talking to Cosmo anymore; his entire attention was focused on the wall. "He told me that God is listening, but I have to help myself." He grabbed a beer bottle and opened it. "And then he said that all I have to do is accept Jesus into my heart, and then I get to walk beside him forever in the kingdom of heaven. Did you hear what I said?" Crocker suddenly snapped, throwing the bottle against the wall. He spun around and stared at Cosmo. "Walk. Walk beside him in the kingdom of heaven." Crocker rolled his eyes. "That's kind of out of the question, ain't it? As if God's ever done anything for me… I lost my legs, I still haven't found any FAIRY GOD PARENTS!, I'm living in some shitty apartment…"
Cosmo timidly spoke up. "I'm going to heaven, Lieutenant Denzel," he said meekly. "That is, if I don't get lost along the way… I hope there's road signs."
Crocker grinned painfully. "Well, before you get there, hows about going out and getting me some more beer?"
"Yes sir," Cosmo dutifully obeyed.
O.o.O
Soon, New Year's Eve rolled around, and there was only one place Crocker wanted to go and celebrate—the bar. Cosmo was getting a little sick of beer by this time, so he ordered a soda, despite Crocker's loud chuckles.
Crocker was laughing even harder at the next thing Cosmo said, however.
"Once I leave the service, I'm going down to the Gulf of Mexico to start a shrimping business!" cried Cosmo over the roar of the bar. "I promised Timmy that we'd start one together, and our grandkids would carry on the tradition, but since he's dead I'll have to do it by myself… and of course, we won't have grandchildren to pass the company to…"
Crocker couldn't believe his ears. "You, the dimmest bulb to ever illuminate the army, are going to start a shrimping business?"
"Sure! I hope I start liking shrimp, though. It's never been one of my favorites…"
"Look, Gilligan, the day you become a shrimp boat captain, that's the day I'm your first mate!" said Crocker, laughing heartily.
"Good!" cried Cosmo. "I need a first mate real bad!"
Crocker opened his mouth to say something, but two giggly girls ran up to him and threw their arms around his shoulders, halting his speech.
"Hey Denzel," cooed one of them, who had blue hair and eyes.
"We haven't seen you for awhile, sweetie," said the other one, who had purple hair and eyes, in a too-sweet voice.
"I've had company," grunted Crocker. "Uhsmith, meet the lovely Star and Twinkle. Why does everyone I know have a strange hair color? If I didn't know any better, I'd say I was surrounded by FAIRY GOD PARENTS!" Crocker spazzed in his wheelchair.
"Charmed, I'm sure!" giggled Star, the purple-haired girl. Twinkle tittered in an annoying way as well.
"You're sure you're charmed?" asked Cosmo, blinking.
Twinkle suddenly gasped and pointed up to the TV. "Ooh! Ooh! We were just there! Times Square!" Her smiled faded as she gazed at the scene on the TV. "Isn't New Years great? Everyone gets a chance to start over… a second chance…"
"Or a third, or a fourth," Cosmo added.
"It's funny," Cosmo recalled, "—actually, it probably either isn't funny or unexpected—but all I could think of right then was Wanda, and wondering where she was…"
O.o.O
Cosmo didn't know where Wanda was, which was probably a good thing. For at that very moment, Wanda was gathering up her belongs from her druggie boyfriend's—or at least one of her boyfriends—house.
She leaned down and looked at herself in the dirty mirror, scowling a bit at her appearance—too much makeup, hair that made her look like a frizzled prostitute, dark circles under the eyes…
No denying it, she thought to herself. I'm downright ugly.
And whose fault is that?
I know. My own. But I don't care. No one else does; why should I?
Recognizing the thoughts she was having as self-derogatory, Wanda shook her head as if to push them out of her head, spun around, and without looking back at the mirror, left the room, not even bothering to watch the TV…
"Eight… seven… six… five…"
O.o.O
Meanwhile, back in New York, everyone in the bar was counting along with the clock.
"…four… three… two… one…"
Everyone cheered when they saw the ball on the television screen fall and illuminate the "1972" sign. Cosmo laughed happily.
"Yay! It's a new year! I hope I remember this time. I still think it's 1961!"
"Uhsmith…" Crocker rolled his eyes.
Star and Twinkle just giggled at Cosmo, however. "So what now, Babycakes?" Star asked Crocker. "Got any, ahem, special plans for us tonight?"
Crocker grinned. "I sure do!"
"What are your plans?" Cosmo asked innocently.
O.o.O
The plans weren't exactly what Cosmo would have called fun.
He sat in a chair, blinking, wondering what could possibly be fun about turning up the record player really loud, smoke so many cigarettes that you could hardly see through all the smoke, and have a girl sit on your lap and kiss you like crazy?
Because that's exactly where Star was—sitting on Crocker's lap and kissing him passionately, throwing off her shirt, throwing off his shirt…
The warning signals finally flared up in Cosmo, but he had no time to react. In a heartbeat, Twinkle was sitting on his lap, kissing him as though she was looking for something she had lost in his mouth.
Cosmo froze for a moment. This… was… disgusting! Why was she doing this? He hardly even knew her? Wasn't a kiss supposed to be shared between two people who loved each other? And wasn't a kiss supposed to feel good?
He didn't like her. At all.
And he most certainly did not like her kissing him.
And so, he really had no choice but to push her off of him, now did he?
He didn't do it very hard. Although she was being pushy and annoying, he didn't want to hurt her. So, as gently as he could while still getting her off, he pressed his arms against her breasts (not where he wanted to put his hands, but there was really no other place) and shoved her away—
"Jeez! What's wrong with you?" screeched Twinkle—so high-pitched that Cosmo had to cover his ears.
"Uh…" Cosmo started.
Star, still perched on top of Crocker, giggled. "Whatsa matter, is your friend stupid or something?"
"What did you say?" Crocker growled.
"I said, is your friend stupid or something?" repeated Star, still giggling.
To Cosmo's surprise, Crocker pushed Star off of him, even more forcefully than Cosmo had pushed Twinkle. "Don't you ever call him stupid! Get out of here!"
"I think I will, you freak!" cried Star, grabbing her clothes and storming out the door, Twinkle right behind her. "You guys are losers anyway!"
"Get lost!" cried Crocker, flailing his arms at them… causing him to fall out of his chair.
Star and Twinkle laughed rudely at this, and, with one passing "Jerk!" they both left the apartment, slamming the door behind them.
Cosmo stood up, feeling a little guilty for driving Lieutenant Denzel's friends away. He knelt down on the ground and offered a hand to Crocker; Crocker shooed him away.
"No… I can get up…"
And to Cosmo's surprise, Crocker did. With all of that built up strength in his arms, Crocker was able to sit up, scoot himself over to his wheelchair, and even pull himself into it. Sighing, he wheeled himself to the window and gazed out of it, avoiding Cosmo's eyes entirely.
Feeling ashamed, Cosmo said, in a guarded, hushed tone of voice, "I'm sorry for ruining your special plans, Lieutenant Denzel… but… she tasted like cigarettes," he finally said, a bit lamely.
Crocker remained silent.
"I thought it was so strange," said Cosmo thoughtfully, reflecting back on the incident, "that Lieutenant Denzel got so angry when she called me stupid. I mean, he called me a moron all the time! But I suppose… I suppose he realized right then that it hurts when someone makes fun of you, and he just wanted to make sure no one ever called me stupid… he realized that I don't like it when people call me stupid. Just like he doesn't like it when people call him crippled."
Crocker finally spoke, in a short, rough voice.
"Happy New Year, Uhsmith."
O.o.O
(AN: Perfect timing for a seasonal chapter, donjathink? A few little things I want to say here at the end—I don't recall which of Mama Cosma's potential robot wives for Cosmo was Star and which one was Twinkle, although the purple-haired one had a star on her shirt, so I went ahead and said that one was Star.
Also, I'm having a real struggle with typing the entire movie word for word here. (What can I say, I guess I've seen this movie too many times!) Some lines need to be put in word for word, but not the entire fanfic. That would be A. ridiculous, and B. plagiarism. So I'm trying to change some lines around. I really am. It's just that the dialogue in the movie is so perfect… (Rather unrelated note—John Lennon's few lines were so much fun to write!)
This chapter was another hard one to churn out. All of my brainstorms for this story are in later chapters—yes, Cosmo and Wanda fluff. Duh! Remember who's writing this! Unfortunately, that's not for awhile yet. Oh yes, and to those of you who are wondering, I would guess we're about halfway through the fanfic now, because I'm about halfway through the DVD. (I watch the corresponding scene before writing each chapter.)
This author's note is way too long. Sorry. Review if you liked the chapter, review if you didn't like, and see you next chapter if you decide to stick around. :) )