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Beta by Christopher

Wesley POV

I have no one... I have no one to go... I'm alone, for the first time in my life, I felt alone and afraid. I know what I did and I know its wrong. This pain inside me, it hurt. More then what I have been through. I knew Angel wouldn't understand, and I don't blame him. Maybe I would do same thing as he did. When he tried to kill me, I felt anger, somehow I felt it. Well anyone who throws something at me feel anger too. But I don't deserve to feel anger at him. Especially him. I did something so wrong, so horrible and I do not deserve forgiveness or anything else.

I felt guilty enough already when Angel tried to kill me, but the visit from Fred made me feel guiltier then ever. How can I live with this guilt? I lost my friends and my job. The only thing I have is this guilt! Nothing more! No one to talk to or to hang out. Okay, I'm not that kind of person who 'hangs out', but still... When you have friends, you always know someone will have your back... Now I have no one... Thanks to me, Angel's life is ruin, and so as mine...

I want my life over. I want everything end. No more vampires or demons, pain, guilt... I want everything to end. But I can't... I want to... But I just can't... First, I'm to scare to take my life away. Second, I have to say sorry to Angel and my ex-friends... I don't care if they accepted it or not. I just have to say it, before I die. Well, before Angel kills me anyway... There is any reason why I have to go on with my life? I used too, but now... Nothing... Just empty... Connor is gone and it was my entire fault...

I'm not sure what to do. I know that I have to face Angel and say sorry, but I'm not sure how I'm going to do it. Besides, sorry won't fix anything. But one thing for sure, I have to leave L.A... I'm not ready to face Angel and the others. I think, right now its be best for everyone that I leave and never come back. Some day, when I'm brave enough, I will come back and face others, someday...

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After Fred was gone, few hours later the doctor came and said I could go back home now. He asked me if there is anyone who can pick up and my answer was no. I was still in shock when Fred came over. The words she told me, it made me sad and afraid. Her words stuck in my mind, and it looks like its going to be there for a long time.

What she told me makes me sad, because not only I ruined Angel's life, but now I ruined everyone's. It also makes me afraid that I will never see my friends or my ex-friends again. I wish Gunn and Fred never found me and left me there to die. Maybe it was my punishment for what I done. Well I think this is worse then hell.

Doctor told me that he called cap and I can leave here in about half an hour. As soon as he left the room, I changed my clothes and picked up the box that Fred left for me. When I looked inside the box, I felt the pain got worse. The memories of my ex-friends and baby Connor. I put them back quickly and took the box and went down to stairs. I didn't bother to ride the elevators, I rather walk. So I didn't ride the cab and just went home walking and thinking of what should I do now.

I reached home about more then two hours of walking. My legs felt sore and I didn't think I could make it. When I got inside home, I felt nothing. When ever you went some where, work or mall, you always feel something when you go back home. It feel comfortable and relaxes, nothing matter when you reach home. How dirty the house is, long as it your home, you always feel welcome. But now I don't feel anything, just empty. Now I know there is nothing here for me in L.A...

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After that long walk, I decide go to sleep for while, so I can clear my head. But I couldn't go back to sleep. Something keeps making me open my eyes when ever I close them. So I gave up and went out for walk. I knew it be safe to walk out right now, when sun is still up. I don't think Angel will come back and kill me. I went out side and put my head up to the sun. Trying to feel the sun lights in my face. It felt good and wonderful. But I put my head down and take a deep breath. I slowly walk around the park. Wondering around and hoped that this will clear my head for while so I can sleep.

Right then I saw Gunn and Fred, holding hands and walk to lack. I turn back, hoping they didn't saw me. But somehow all my luck ran out. Gunn saw me and grabbed my shoulder.

"What the fuck are you doing here man? You have to come here and ruin our date?" Gunn shout at me with angry voice. But I didn't answer him back, I pretended I couldn't say anything say anything.

"Gunn, leave him alone." Fred said, and looks at me with disgust. "I don't know why you are here Wesley, but I want you to leave. You already ruined everyone and everything. I don't want you to ruin my date either." Then Gunn let go my shoulder and they both left.

I can't believe what she just said. I want to ruin her date? I didn't even know there was a date. I guess there is no place for me in L.A... It's best I went back home and looked for a new place. I slowly walk back home, I hoped this walk will clear my head, but it made it worse. I slowly walked, thinking where should I move to. One thing for sure of that, I'm not going to England. I just can't. I hate there. Just list the countries and states I can move to.

"Wesley?"

I looked back, someone was calling my name and I was sure it wasn't one of my ex-friends. When I looked back, it was just teenager looking at me.

"Is that you, Wesley?" the teen asked.

"Yes... Who are you?" I asked, I never saw her before.

"You don't remember me? You use to my tutor and one of your babysitter." teen said, smiling at me for some reason. Then it hit me. I remember her! She used to be my favorite student or something like that.

"Diane? Is that you?"

"One and only!" Diane said then she hug me tight that I couldn't breath.

" I. can't. Breath." I barely said and she let me go.

"Sorry... It is so good to see you again! I miss you so much!" Diane said with big smile. She always had big smile even though everything gone bad.

"I miss you to. Where had you been?" I asked as we sit down in branch.

"I've been almost everywhere. Thanks to my dad..." She said with angry voice. "But now I have to leave with my mom's friends. So I can stay in one place istead of all over the country. How abo-, Oh my god! What happened to your neck?" She asked, looking at my neck.

"Well I got this from my... old job." I answered. I couldn't really tell her about my formal job.

"What kind of job did you have? Far as I know you, your job can't be FBI or any others like that. So if you're hiding something it won't work." Diane said, what I could say about it. She can see right throw me. We grew up together, she was my old neighbor. We knew each other since she was born.

"You always see right through me, don't you?" I said, and she gave me smile and said, "Wesley, I knew something is wrong. I know we just met few minute ago, but I can see right through you in your eyes. Just tell me what's wrong. If you tell your secret, I will tell mine." Diane said, I looked at her. It feels weird to tell a teen who was sixteen about my problems. But I know what she will do to me, if I don't tell her the truth.

"Okay, I will tell you. Its shocking and weird, but I think you can handle it." I said and taking deep breath again.

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AN/ Thank you for reading my story! This is my first fanfic and this is my first story that I wrote in first person! I know it is weird story, but this story stock in my head and it doesn't go away. I'm fan of Angel, but I never got chance to see all the shows... I never got to see the season four and now in TNT, they are showing and I start to watching. And when Connor was gone, Angel tried to kill Wesley and it kinda made me mad. Then what Fred told Wesley made me mad as well. I do understand how Angel had felt, but tried to kill Wesley mad me so mad, so I kinda made this story in my mine.(Wesley is one of my favorite characters) Right now, Wesley going to feel guilt and have hard time... But it will change that soon... He well lose his memories like in chapter three. Also I want to tell you this fanfic is crossover with Charmed. They are going to show up in Chapter three...

Any readers who liked or not, tell me what parts do you dislike. Also things that I need to improve. I will try my best!