Subaru's Perfectionist Acid Trip
It was a perfect afternoon at the Miload Mansion, about two months after the incident at the Sanctuary, and for today, Subaru was busy replacing a broken wheel on one of the ground dragon carriages with the help of Ram.
Or, it was more accurate to say that the pink maid was checking out her perfect nails, complaining that they were imperfect, while the nasty-eyed boy was doing all the heavy lifting.
And lifting he did.
He lifted, and lifted, and lifted, and lifted the carriage, until…
SLAM!
"WHAA!"
"Huh?"
…the carriage was tipped over, and fell to the dirt.
"Stupid Barusu!" grouched Ram, as she approached the Japanese teenager. "You did it wrong! Just like you painted the shed wrong!"
Looking to where the oni was pointing, Subaru did notice that he had indeed used red paint to repaint the shed, rather than brown, as he was instructed.
"And you did a lousy job mopping up the floors inside!"
Looking inside one of the windows of the estate, Subaru could indeed see that he did a lousy job mopping the floors, as evidence of Otto slipping and falling.
"You can't do anything right, you amateur! You should go to a school that will teach you to do things right!" she continued, pointing at him. "Someone who will make you perfect!"
"I'm sorry, Ram…" the boy apologized, scratching the back of his head.
"Ram! You're needed inside!" called Frederica.
"It's about time," she commented, as she dashed away, leaving Subaru alone, but not before throwing one of the spare wheels squarely into Subaru's gut.
"Man, that hurt…" he groaned, when suddenly, he felt something slip out of his pocket.
Looking down, Subaru saw that it was the tablet he bought a few days ago.
Yeah, that merchant said that this stuff would make me smarter, healthier, and happier… Subaru thought to himself as he recalled the event. Could it make me better at everything? Maybe he was right? I mean, it's worth a shot, I already bought the damn thing…
So, he popped the thing right into his mouth
Huh, it has a slightly bitter taste…
Inside the foyer of the Miload Mansion, Garfiel was happily opening up a box he had been waiting for for the past week, and pulling out its contents.
It was a bugle.
"BWAAA…"
"Wha'?"
Blowing into it, the blond demi-human noticed that it didn't sound right, and inspected, only to see that there was a significant crack on the bugle's side.
Opening the door and walking in, Subaru noticed that his brother was saying "Bah! Goin' fix thi' thin' right up! Heh-heh…" but at this point, the nasty-eyed boy was too tired to care about what his friend was talking about.
"Barusu, I want you to clean the windows. And do it right!" commanded Ram, adding more emphasis on that last part, before smacking him and walking away.
Before he could go do that, however, the young knight was intercepted by someone else. "Subaru, why don't you come and help me cook? I've never cooked before!" said Emilia, all the while laughing to herself about the realization she never did cook.
"La, la, la…" sang Emilia while preparing food, albeit that her singing was atrocious. It was clear that this was the first time the silver-haired half-elf had ever cooked, considering how many spills and stains were currently in the kitchen.
Subaru could have sworn he saw a cockroach run through one of the pans.
"Remember, Subaru, it's supposed to be thin, crisp, and lighter than air," she instructed her knight, who was currently pressing down on some dough.
"Uh-huh," he responded, as he grabbed a dough roller and started to press down.
After a few seconds, he removed the dough roller from the dough, believing that he did a good job, and waiting for approval from his liege.
Emilia picked up the flattened dough, and inspected it. "Lighter than air," she commented.
Suddenly, in less than a second, the dough began to disintegrate into smaller pieces, until eventually, it disappeared, and was out of the half-elf's hands.
"Huh?" Subaru was surprised. Maybe he didn't see that correctly. Maybe she just accidentally dropped it, and Subaru's eyes were playing tricks on him.
"Oh, well…" sighed Emilia, further cementing Subaru's theory that what he saw was made-up, and that the amethyst-eyed girl just dropped the dough. "This time, you crush the nuts, and I'll fry the fish," she suggested, passing a bowl of walnuts towards her knight.
Shaking his head out of his previous paranoia, Subaru grabbed a walnut, placed it on the table, grabbed a small mallet, and proceeded to hit the nut.
THUMP!
The black-haired boy lifted the mallet, only to see that the nut had not cracked. Blinking a few times to make sure he wasn't mistaken, Subaru then lifted the mallet once more, this time adding a lot more force behind it.
WHAM!
Uh-oh.
Lifting the mallet once more, Subaru saw that he put too much force into that swing, as a part of the table started to crack, and then entirely collapse, pieces of it falling off in the process.
"Aww, Subaru, that table wasn't very sturdy was it?" Emilia asked, trying to cheer up her knight. "Go get Petra, while I start to tidy up."
Subaru nodded, and proceeded to walk towards the door, opening it, and seeing that there was someone behind the door, waiting for him to open.
What the fuck?!
The person, if you could call them that, had an expressionless face, with only three pitch-black holes making up their eyes and mouth. They wore a uniform, like that of a Nazi, but yellow, along with a trench coat, that was also yellow. Their boots and hat were black, but their shape also gave Subaru the impression they came with the Nazi uniform.
"You are a disgrace!" the man said, in a thick German accent, while pointing at Subaru.
"AAAHHH!" Subaru screamed.
"What's wrong, Subaru?" asked Emilia, as she turned around to see what the problem was.
"A… a… a…" the Japanese teenager stuttered, pointing to where the mysterious man was, only that he wasn't there.
In fact, when Emilia opened the door, there was no sign of anyone on the other side.
"I don't see anything," the half-elf spoke, while her knight tried to gesture to her what exactly he saw. Whatever it was, Emilia could clearly tell that it scared Subaru.
"All right, I'll go fetch Petra, and you tidy up," she suggested, as she walked out the door.
Believing that he was now safe, Subaru slouched in relief, only to hear the voice again.
"That is no way to stand."
THWACK!
"Ow!"
Turning around to see what hit him, Subaru came face-to-face with the expressionless man, who was circling him. "I want to see perfect posture! Shoulders back! Chin up! Eyes forward… and walk!" he commanded, opening the door to the kitchen.
Having no other choice, Subaru obeyed him, and marched out of the kitchen.
"Eyes ahead! Even steps! No, no, no, no!" he kept criticizing, until eventually, he asked the question, "Can you walk… correctly?"
"Uh-huh! Uh-huh!" Subaru nodded, hoping for the man to just leave everyone alone.
Stepping forward, the being plopped a dozen of stacked books onto Subaru's head, and said, "If those books stay in place, you're walking perfectly. Go!" he commanded, pointing up the stairs.
Waking up the stairs, as best he could, Subaru grunted under the weight of all those books, until eventually, one by one, they all started falling down.
By the time he reached the top of the stairs, there was only one book left on his head.
"You're not the least bit perfect!" the expressionless man stated.
"Oh…" Subaru sighed, putting his head down, and letting the last book fall.
Tears started to escape from his eyes.
It was now later in the day, and Subaru was inside his room, along with the yellow man, who was now armed with a chalkboard. "Can you speak correctly?" he asked.
"Uh-huh, uh-huh!" nodded Subaru. Of course he knew how to speak, everyone could.
"Then repeat after me, and do it… perfectly!" he instructed. ""Emilia-sama is the best option in the Royal Selection!""
"Emilia-tan is the best option in the Royal Selection!" repeated the Japanese teenager.
"NO!" yelled the man, slamming his pale, four- fingered hand onto Subaru's desk. "No, I said PERFECTLY! Now try again. "Emilia-SAMA!"" he emphasized.
"Emilia-TAN!" Subaru responded, unable to change his answer.
"I want a "sama"! "SAMAA…!"" he enunciated.
But Subaru couldn't comply. It wasn't in his nature. "TAN!"
"SAMA!"
Or was it his heart? "TAN!"
Facepalming, the man said, "Your speech is abominable! Your walking is a disgrace"
"Oh…" That saddened Subaru. Did everyone think that?
"Let's see if you can make something perfect!"
Immediately, Subaru's eyes brightened up in excitement. He would constantly make things, so he believed that this would be easy. "Okay, okay!" he said, feeling confident.
Placing down some glue and a bowl of toothpicks, the man sketched a castle on the chalkboard. "Observe each detail of the drawing, and your castle will be… PERFECT!"
Grabbing the glue, Subaru started to squirt it onto the toothpick, all the while, the expressionless man observed him, judging his every move.
Squinting a bit just to get it right, Subaru placed the final toothpick on top, and looked proud of his accomplishment. "Ta-da!"
The man was unimpressed.
Grabbing Subaru by the arm, he dragged the nasty-eyed boy towards the window. "Look at the work of another one of my pupils. A perfect pupil."
Squinting you into the distance, Subaru could see…
The Royal Castle?
Subaru sighed, for a number of reasons. First of all, since the Capital was so far away, it would be impossible to see the Royal Castle from here, and yet, there it was. Clearly all logic was dead. Second, Subaru could see the Royal Castle's architect from where he was.
"Hahaha! I'm perfect!" the architect cheered, viciously mocking Subaru.
Grabbing Subaru once more, the strange man pointed towards the knight's work. "As you can see, yours is decidedly… NOT PERFECT!" he yelled, destroying his toothpick castle.
Subaru covered his mouth, in horror at what had happened to his creation.
"It's late. We have a lot to cover tomorrow. So your last assignment of the day is… go to bed and sleep… PERFECTLY! CAN YOU DO THAT?!"
It was dark, and the night was late. Everyone in the Miload Mansion was now sleeping.
That is, everyone except Subaru.
He had been up thinking for so long. His bloodshot eyes were getting heavy. They dropped and lowered, until eventually… he finally fell asleep.
For a few seconds, there was peace. That was, until… he saw it.
Out floating in the blue ether with the stars… was a monster. It was bloated, wearing a black leather outfit, with sickly green skin, long claws with red fingernails. But the worst part of it all was it's octopus-like head, with long eyelashes and makeup.
Then, it opened its mouth, revealing dozens of sharp teeth, it's long tongue… and it spoke.
"You're not perfect…"
"YAAHHH!" Subaru stood up out of his bed yelling.
Looking around his room, Subaru saw that he was quiet enough not to wake Beatrice, and seeing that there was no one in the room, he fell asleep, once more. One hour had passed.
His dreams opened up to a yellow-brick road, where a scarecrow, a tin man, and a lion walked.
The scarecrow had no brain. He was not perfect.
The tin man had no heart. He was not perfect.
The lion had no courage. Hw was not perfect.
Observing from inside the crystal ball, the Witch laughed.
"WAHHHH!" Once more, Subaru awoke in a panic. Looking around once more, he saw that Beako was still asleep, so he tried to settle down once more. Two hours had passed.
Inside his dreams, he sees a whirling windstorm, and inside, he sees papers, all of them being blown by the wind. Each paper has a story to tell, as they all fly around the eye of the vortex.
An entire village had been massacred.
A shadowy hand grabbing at his heart.
A butterfly that opens up his worst fears.
A small child, wearing a hood, with horrors waiting inside.
A monster, with its multiple unnatural limbs, chasing after him.
And finally, a little girl wearing a single sheet of fabric, surrounded by so many symbols.
"WHOA!" surprised by what he had seen, and questioning his own sanity, Subaru got up once more and yelped. Only this time, he had woken someone up.
Gripping onto her contractor, Beatrice asked, "Subaru, what is it, I suppose?!"
Seeing who was grabbing onto him, the black-haired boy looked down at her, smiled and said, "I don't worry, Beako. It was just a stupid nightmare, nothing to worry about."
"If you say so, then Betty believes you," she said, laying her head back down. Soon after her, Subaru fell asleep yet again. Three hours had passed.
It started out nice enough. Subaru was simply onstage, juggling pies. What could go wrong?
Plenty, that's what.
In the audience, the Royal Candidates and their knights laughed. Subaru was unsure why, until he finally looked down.
He wasn't wearing any pants.
"AHHH!" In a panic, the Japanese teenager threw the pies into the air, and tried to cover his shame with his hands, only to have the pies come crashing down onto his head.
The crowd inside the Throne Room laughed even harder. He had embarrassed himself even more than he could ever imagine.
What kind of poor excuse for a self-proclaimed knight was he?!
"AIIEEE!" he screamed in a panic, waking up.
Immediately, someone slammed the door to his room open. "Cap'n! Are ya' alright?!"
Calming himself down, Subaru answered, "I'm fine Garfiel, you can go back to sleep."
Garfiel was unsure, but seeing his brother's look, he decided to give up. "Alright, good night," he said, closing his door on the way out. Four hours had passed.
Inside the depths of his mind, Emilia-tan passed a vase to Subaru.
He held it firm, only for it to slip and bounce back into Emilia's arms.
But the vase did not crack. The vase did not break.
Emilia did.
Starting from her legs, cracks began to appear rapidly, reaching to her waist, and then her top. There was nothing Subaru could do but scream and watch as the silver-haired half-elf he cared about so much be shattered into a million pieces.
"AAHHH!" Subaru couldn't take it anymore. Reality around him was crumbling until it, too, shattered. With nothing left but himself and the black void, Subaru shattered.
"AIIIEEEEE!" It was his loudest scream yet. He couldn't take it anymore. He wanted it to end.
Bursting through the door was an angry, and clearly very sleep-deprived Ram. Turns out, she woke up during every single one of Subaru's outbursts. That's some pretty good hearing.
"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" she screamed, as she proceeded to slap Subaru square in the face.
After that, Subaru didn't wake up until late in the morning the next day.
Not that he would feel any better.
Lying down on the floor of his room, Subaru's eyes appeared even more bloodshot than they were last night. Sleep was pointless. Life was pointless. Everything was pointless.
SMACK!
"You're late," hissed the yellow man.
"Grugh…" groaned Subaru, as he climbed up to the chair next to his desk, looking like a drunk.
SLAM!
"BE PERFECTLY QUIET!" he yelled, slamming his claw onto the desk once again. "Sit up straight! There is going to be a surprise final exam today…"
Gripping his head, Subaru repeated, "There is going to be a surprise final exam today?", too tired to respond with any joy or even enthusiasm.
"If you don't get a perfect score on this exam, there will be consequences."
Subaru was shaking in fear, but the expressionless man did not let up. "Everywhere you go, for the rest of your life, everyone will know that you're IMPERFECT!"
"I have to go to the bathroom…" Subaru gripped.
"You have to go to the bathroom?" repeated the man, sounding skeptical.
"Mm-hm," Subaru lied. Truth is, he just wanted to get the hell away from that monster.
"Make it quick!" he barked. "While you're there, practice brushing your teeth. Do it perfectly."
Brush… brush… brush… brush… brush…
That was all Subaru was thinking of for the past five minutes. He had been brushing his teeth for so long, and so hard, that his gums were starting to bleed.
But he couldn't stop.
He needed to be perfect! Inspecting his teeth for the fifth time, Subaru looked in the mirror and saw that he still had a white spot on one of his canines.
Guess I have to do it again…
"There's no such thing as perfect."
"Huh?" Turning to where the voice was addressing him Subaru saw that the speaker was a giant cockroach, wearing a red robe, a crown, and wielding a golden scepter embedded with jewels.
It was official: Subaru was now batshit insane.
However, that did not stop the royal cockroach from dispensing it's wisdom. "You're beautiful as you are, Subaru. With all your imperfections, you can do anything."
And after all that time, from the constant failures, the criticism, to the nightmares, and the pain, it just took those words for the black-haired boy to realize the truth.
Stepping out of the bathroom, Subaru saw a certain red haired girl walk by.
"Oh, Subaru-sama!" chirped Petra. "Would you like to try some pastries that Emilia-sama made? They're more like soap, really… but you can blow the sweetest bubbles!" she explained, demonstrating by eating some, and then creating a bubble.
POP!
"He, that's actually kind of cool."
"FWAAA…!" Turning around, Subaru saw that Garfiel was now blowing into his bugle, which he had wrapped in a cloth to fix. "Heh, I'm gonna start ma' own band o' cracked horns!"
Slowly, a smile started to form on Subaru. Despite the imperfections, these people still did the best with their situation, they compromised, they improved, and that's what made life great.
"Hey, Cap'n, where ya goin'?"
"Don't worry about me, Garf. I just gotta take care of something."
"And now, for your final examination… draw a perfect number six!"
Grabbing a pencil and paper, Subaru smiled as he started to draw like a madman, while the trench coat-wearing freak inspected his work.
"Time's up!" he announced, slamming his claw onto the desk yet again.
Subaru, with the world's biggest grin, lifted up his paper to show his masterpiece: A hunchback clown, next to a giant face, both of them warped around like nobody's business.
"I don't see a six here!" the man complained, clearly sounding pissed.
With a smug look, the nasty-eyed boy started to fold his paper around, much to the unimpressed yellow man. But once he was done, Subaru flipped it upside-down to show him that, all of that together, indeed made a six.
"Gotcha."
Immediately, the yellow man started to twitch up, and then fidget, before completely losing it.
"AHHH! THAT'S NOT PERFECT!" he screamed, as his body slowly began to melt. Grabbing his head and shaking like a madman, he continued, "You rotten, imperfect human! Now you'll never reach the perfect level of perfeeeee…"
The chalkboard itself followed soon after, as it shook before eventually shattering into a million pieces, and then, turning into dust.
And just like that, the man was gone.
After making sure he was dead, Subaru sighed in relief, "Ohh, thank God it's over."
It was now evening at the Miload mansion, and everyone was having a taste of Emilia's new bubble-inducing pastry after enjoying dinner.
Petra was having fun blowing bubbles along with Annerose, Garfiel was playing with his fixed bugle, which Clind enjoyed, and everyone was having a really good time.
But the person who was having the best time, was by far, Subaru Natsuki.
Outside of the window, there watched a giant cockroach, nodding in approval.
"That's a good lad."
Author's Note: Don't do drugs, kids. On a more serious note, this was inspired by the Courage the Cowardly Dog episode, "Perfect". Think of it as a re-telling of that episode. For those wondering, the man was Pandora's Actor, the octopus-head was Neuronist Painkill, and the cockroach was Kyouhukou, and all of them are from "Overlord".
In case anyone was wondering, no this isn't connected to "The Otherworldly Sage" in any way. This is just my weird one-shot set between the canon Arc 4 and Arc 5.
If you want, you can leave comments, I'll totally read them.
Well, that's all. See you all in my next work!
- Ernalore