Lost in the dark? Bring a flash light

Chapter 1 I hurt myself so you can't

His hand is resting lightly on my cheek and i can feel his breath on my skin, Brad Pitt in in my living room.

BEEEP BEEEP BEEEP BEEEP BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP

I groan, always, always when i get to the good part of the dream the alarm clock goes off! I burry my head underneith my pillow and feel around for the snooze button on my clock, it's a morning ritual to knock over my lamp along with a few half full glasess of water before i actually find the correct button. This morning is no acception.

The room grows silent, and i can feel my body losen, five more minutes would be lovly. Actually, i feel as though it's already been five more mintues, even though i will never get to kiss Brad Pitt, a little longer in bed makes up for it.

I peak up from under my 4 blankets and 6 pillows that fill my big queen sized bed. My hello kitty clock is blinking 7:34 wrestle with the layers of warmth for a while, attempting to surface. Once i do i am greeted by a bright burst of light coming through my window, and i know that weather i like it or not, the day is greeting me. And i mine as well greet it back.

My feet press lightly on the cold hard wood floor as i enter my small yellow bath room, i start the shower, hoping that i don't wake my father. He worked late last night, then again, he works late every night. He leaves for work half hour after i leave for school, so i never see him. Come to think of it, the last time i talked to him was on the phone half a month ago, when i was buying grocheries.

On occasion i see his sleeping body, when i peak through his cracked open bed room door but other than that we have no contact. That's fine though, i supose i have Tomoyo, but often she doesn't seem like enough. I still feel like thier's an empty void in my life, maybe it's not my father, actually i know it's not him. I some times think it's my mother, the empty void. But just partly.

And so then i think, if i don't know what the void is, then there really isn't a void or an emptyness. That it's just me, feeling horrably alone and cold and bitter all at the same time.

Even though the shower's steam is intesnse on my back, i still feel cold. God, im more fucked up than that guy who can eat metal.

The shower water is getting less and less warm, so i turn the foset until it stops spraying. My long shoulder length aburn hair drips down my back, and i twist it tightly, letting all the excess water trickle out. I wrap a towel around my body and stand, staring into the mirror. I see nothingness. Just like every other morning, and today just like with the spilt water and knocked over lamp, is no differance.

I take my long slender finger, it's nail is painted with black polish color, and write words on the mirror. I trace over where i wrote the same phrase yesterday, and the day before that and all the other days since i was old enough to realize what a cruel and unfair place the world is. "I hurt myself so you can't."

I never knew who that person was, but it was always some one. Always a guy wanting something i didn't have, always a friend expecting things that i don't want to do. It's always something, day after day week after week. I live the same day over and over again.

Creeping out into the hall, i try hard not to make any noise as i re-enter my room. The alarm clock has gone off again, this time it's playing really soft alternative music. I try to dress quickly, i don't have alot of clothes trama's, im a fairly trendy person with my own little bit of flair in what i wear.

Like today for example. I picked out a black dress with thin little straps, and white daisys, undernieth is a thick strapped white tank top so no one see's anything they shouldn't. Undernieth i have a cute pair of tight, clingy black spandex leggings, they end half way up my shins. I have a slender figure, with a the perfect size of curves for my small, 'ballerina' body.

I glance at the clock, it's 8:10, i should really be going. I quickly side braid my wet hair, it will dry soft and flat, thank God i got good morning hair. I couldn't imagine trying to do it every morning, now that would be the death of me!

The kitchen is filled with memories of what our family was before my mother died, before my brother went away. I hate sitting in it, eating in it, doing anything in it. This was always the one place we were all together, i use to love helping my mother prepear food. But that's dead now, along with my mother and all former ways.

Instead of eating real things, i intake foods such as pop tarts (like i have found in my hand right now) and frozen TV dinners. Actually, i rarly ever eat any more. A pop tart in the morning, maybe one of the those fruit loops cerial bars, some times a fruit salad. But i find that i forget about eating, i forget about alot of things. I just sort of am, i put on a smile and drown out the pain with loud music and cute boys, a few parties and a couple doeses of coke every once and a while.

My roller blades are already strapped on my feet, and i am out the door, munching down gingerly on my blueberry pop tart. Some times i get trapped in my own thoughts, my own little alternat universe, and i forget what's going on around me.

Tomoyo usually walks with me to school, meets me half way, but she is currently visiting her mother in London for the month. So i am truly and completly alone, sure there's Rika and her little clan. But their nothing to me, i walk with them down the hall and look pretty. That's all, nothing more.

The day is seeminly perfect, the fresh spring air drys my hair and the tears that are forming in my eyes. For once it's not a rush to get to scool, but a journey. I pass people and they pass me, the ones from school smile and wave , im Sakura for God sakes!

I wizz past the members of The Journey. They kind of scare me, but i have never had any problems with them so there's really no need to become intertwined with thier little group. Then again, it is more than a group. Every one knows it. The only thing is, every one is to afraid to talk about it.

And besides, the people that are in the gang, the guys (and a few girls) that go to our school are lowly scumb. Thier just starting out, their the uberness of nothing.

I arrive at the school ten minuites before the bell rings, this way i have time to walk down the hall with 'the girls' and intimidate the fat girs and freshmen. As wrong as it is, i can't let any one know that i should be the one intimidated not the one intimidating.

School is going to be over in a few months, thank God. I am getting so sick of it, and all the bagage that comes along with it! Mostly just this one guy, he's the latest version of "ass hole 300." Sayoran Li, he's the most gourgous person i have ever layed eyes on, but his heart is cold and he's the biggest player and bastard i have ever met.

Come to think of it, he reminds me alot of myself. He's the male version of me. But i would never admit that out loud, that would get me a good talking to from itleast 5 of the girls. That's why i keep my mouth shut and everything trapped inside, and when i let them out of that dark encompessment, everything comes out in drops of scarlett and crimson.

I have found myself inside the school, roller blades already inside my locker, my harley davidson lace up shin boots already tied to my feet. I have also managed to find my 'group' with little effort. I am walking down the hall with the pretty people. The people i pretend to be friends with. This is my life, a great big lie. I look at my peers and they look back at me. They see a perfect happy girl, some one who is amazingly lucky a woman that they envy. And i look back at them, longing for some one to save me from this eternity of suffering and lies.

But we all know that things like that don't happen. There are no such things as happy endings, there is just hurt. And that is why i hurt myself, so no one else can.

Lost in the dark? Bring a flash light