Warning: Mention of suicide, panic attacks and nightmares

Not telling me something or hiding something on purpose is just the same as lying. -Unknown

Even though they had only just known each other, Rachel and Spencer got on quite well and felt comfortable around each other. The two of them soon became best friends, teasing each other and sharing each others' hobbies, and soon they fell into a routine. Rachel would wake up first and start making breakfast and put the coffee on so that when Spencer woke up it would be done. After eating, Spencer would do the washing up while Rachel would set up the chessboard for a game. Once they played about 3 games, Spencer always won, they would go and do whatever they wanted. Spencer would read or write letters to his mother and Rachel would usually read a book from Spencer shelves. That would usually go on for about two hours before it would be lunchtime. Rachel and Spencer would usually make food for themselves, however, if Rachel disapproved of what Spencer was eating she would make him something else. They would then watch tv together, watching either Doctor Who or Star Trek. When it was dinner time, Rachel would cook, while Spencer would watch and help out where he could. It became an unspoken rule that if Rachel cooked, Spencer would do the washing up. As Rachel didn't have clothes of her own, she had to wear Spencer's. Not that she didn't like wearing Spencer's clothes, Rachel wanted some of her clothes.

At dinner time one night, Rachel brought it up.

"Hey Spencer," Rachel said as she watched Spencer take a mouthful of pasta.

"Mhm?" Spencer said as he wiped his mouth trying to get the sauce off his face. "Sorry, Yeah?"

"With you being all mother hen-like, I was wondering when I would be able to go home? Don't get me wrong, I like it here though. " Rachel said as she twisted her pasta onto her fork.

Spencer looked up and thought for a moment. "Well you've been here for about a week, and next week, I have to go back to work. Your arm is getting better and you don't need to have your sling on constantly anymore, so how about you go back tomorrow? I can drop you off and if you want we can go shopping to get groceries for your house."

Spencer noticed that Rachel stopped eating, looking distant before she came back to the present.

"How does that sound?" Spencer asked, thinking that might have sounded too keen for Rachel to leave, in truth, he really wanted Rachel to stay. Over the last week, Spencer had grown accustomed to having someone staying over and he would miss that when Rachel left.

"Yeah, that sounds fine." Rachel said, giving a small smile and continued eating, dropping the conversation.

"You okay?" Spencer asked as he noticed Rachel looked pale.

"Yeah, I just feel a bit sick." Rachel said. "I might go to bed early and see if the sleep will help"

Spencer nodded.

When Rachel had finished eating, Spencer told her that he would do the dishes. Rachel nodded and said goodnight and left to go to bed.

It was obvious something was wrong with Rachel, but Spencer didn't know what it was. Despite the two of them being close, Spencer still had no idea why or what drove Rachel to the bridge that night that he found her. Not that he was going to pressure Rachel into telling him, but Spencer really wanted to know what happened that night.

After washing the dishes from dinner, Spencer did some work on his undergraduate in philosophy. He did that for three hours and then read a book for an hour before he too decided to go to bed. Spencer slept for about six hours and when he checked his phone, it was about 1 am. Spencer tried to fall back asleep, but with his already messed up sleep pattern, he couldn't fall asleep.

Spencer sighed and got up to get some coffee and read a book. While he was making his coffee, he heard some yelling and shouting followed by a thud. Spencer froze and reached for his spear gun that he kept in the kitchen draws.

As Spencer followed the sound, he realised that the shouting was coming from Rachel's room. Putting the gun down, Spencer knocked on the door. "Rachel? Are you okay?"

When he got no response Spencer decided to go in.

As he entered the room Spencer saw Rachel fighting the air, eyes tightly closed with tears leaking out. She then started yelling and begging. Spencer noticed that Rachel kept begging someone called Chloe to leave her.

Rushing forward Spencer went over to Rachel and grabbed her arms, worried that Rachel would hurt her already healing arm.

"Rachel! Rachel! You need to wake up." Spencer said not too loudly to scare Rachel but loud enough to wake her up.

Rachel started to try and get her arms free and tried to punch Spencer's chest, but Spencer was stronger than Rachel and was able to keep hold of Rachel's arms. Waking up suddenly, Rachel looked around and started to cry into Spencer's chest.

Spencer knelt and hugged Rachel, rubbing circles into her back whispering that she was safe and nothing was going to harm her.

"Please don't leave," Rachel whispered. "Please stay."

Spencer nodded. "I'm not going anywhere, Ray." Spencer then moved Rachel so she was on the other side of the bed and there was enough room for him to lay down.

Once they were both comfortable, Rachel moved over so that she was resting her head on Spencer's chest and Spencer's arms wrapped his arm around Rachel keeping her close.

And that's how both of them fell asleep.

When Spencer next opened his eyes, he noticed that it was morning and that Rachel was no longer in the room. Rubbing his eyes, Spencer went to the kitchen to make coffee and found Rachel making breakfast and the coffee was already made.

"Morning," Rachel said with a small smile.

"Morning," Spencer said, smiling back.

Spencer noticed that Rachel's hand was shaking slightly as she took a sip of her coffee.

"Do you want to talk about last night?" He asked.

Rachel shook her head. "No, I'm good, thanks. Thanks for staying last night, you didn't have to."

Spencer watched Rachel for a second. He had come up with a rule that no matter what happened, he would not profile Rachel and let Rachel tell him when she was ready.

Spencer nodded. "It's fine, I would do it again if you needed it. But please know that I'm here if you won't ever speak about it or anything."

Rachel nodded and whispered thanks.

"I was thinking, how about we go to your house so you can see what you need and then go shopping?" Spencer said as he bit into his toast.

Rachel nodded, "Yeah that sounds like a good idea."

Even though Rachel was saying it was a good idea, Spencer observed that she was shakier on her feet and seemed almost nervous. Dropping the topic, Spencer concentrated on eating his food and then got ready to leave.

Once they had left Spencer's apartment, Rachel told him that she lived about 5 blocks away from him. Spencer nodded and said it would be quicker if they took his car as when they went shopping they could put the shopping in the car instead of having to carry it.

When they reached Rachel's apartment block, Rachel's breath started quickening and she felt like she was about to vomit. She wanted to turn the other way and run far away from the apartment. Over the last week, Rachel had felt the safest she felt in about 4 months. And that was because she was Spencer and at his apartment. As much as she wanted to stay at Spencer's, she couldn't ask that of him, she had already overstayed her welcome and it was time for her to leave.

As Rachel opened her door, she heard a gasp from Spencer. Her living room was covered in glass, picture frames were broken and some pictures were broken. The furniture didn't look like they were in a natural position. They looked like they had been moved during a fight.

Rachel stepped forward and as she saw the living room, her mind went blank and all of a sudden the room started to heat up. The heat was mainly at the back of her ears and it became hard to breathe. Nothing came to mind and Rachel, felt like she was sinking into a hole and there was no way out.

It was only when she felt an arm pull her to the ground that Rachel came back to her senses. As she sat down on the floor, Rachel realised that Spencer had cleared the floor to sit down, moving the glass.

"Take deep breaths in Ray," Spencer said in a soft voice. "Follow my breathing pattern."

Rachel nodded trying to follow Spencer's breathing but was struggling. Spencer, noticing she was struggling, moved Rachel's head to be resting against his chest and Rachel started following his breathing pattern. He then wiped Rachel's cheek which had tears following down.

"It's okay Ray, just keep taking deep breaths please and talk when you're ready."

After about ten minutes Rachel was calm.

"Four months ago, my brother died," Rachel whispered. "He was older than me and was so protective of me. When we were younger, our parents were neglectful and CPS found out. We were taken from our parents and put in a care home. People wanted to adopt me, especially when they knew I was some sort of a child prodigy. But they never wanted my brother because he was about 12 at the time and I refused to go anywhere without my brother. So we stayed in the system till Jayden aged out of the system and was able to take care of me.

Life went on. I went to medical school, Jayden became a police officer and later a detective. He had a girlfriend and they were together for about 3 years. Jayden was head over heels for her. We never got on though, but for the sake of Jayden, we were civil. One night Jayden was on duty when he was hit by a car. It was a hit and run and he was taken to St Mary's, I was working that night. And Jayden was my patient.

I was able to help him and my boss agreed with my decisions. So I saved his life, I thought and everyone else.

Jayden told me I was the best little sister he could ask for." Rachel whispered looking at her fingers picking at them till they were going to start bleeding. Spencer gently held Rachel's hand to prevent her from doing that.

"Suddenly he started seizing. I couldn't do anything. My boss, Hannah, couldn't do anything either. So I watched my brother die right in front of me. As Hannah said the time of death, I lost it. I started crying and begging them to do something. But there was nothing to be done. I stayed with my best friend till the funeral and some days after the funeral.

I was a mess.

The night you found me-" Rachel stopped starting to cry again.

"It's okay tell me when you're ready no rush," Spencer said gently, holding Rachel close.

After 3 minutes Rachel continued. "Before you found me, my brother's girlfriend came to my house. She blamed me for his death and rightly so, I couldn't save him. We never really got on, but we tried to be civil. But that night she started yelling and screaming at me. She smashed the picture frames and trashed the place. She told me I should be just like my brother died. Telling me that I was a failure and that Jayden probably wished he had a better sister, a sister who could save him. There was so much yelling and shouting and she left.

With everything she said, I guess I was pushed over the edge and wanted to you know…" Rachel finished.

Spencer nodded understanding. He was taking deep breaths as he heard everything that happened. Spencer was angry with Jayden's girlfriend but calm for Rachel's sake. "Rachel, you know Jayden's death isn't your fault. You said that your boss tried to help and she couldn't help. It's not your fault. And don't believe a word that the girlfriend said. It's not true."

Rachel nodded and leaned into Spencer's hug. They stayed like that for the next 10 minutes.

"Rachel? What was the girlfriend's name?" Spencer asked.

"Chloe. Chloe Jenkins." Rachel whispered.

Realisation dawned on Spencer's face. "The girl from your nightmare last night."

Rachel nodded and cried into Spencer's chest.

Spencer just held Rachel as she cried.