Chapter Five; Good – bye Earl
From: williamcollins. Meeting you
My dear cousin Jane,
Although we have never met I write that my dear father recently died and I have now looked back on life and would like to change this. I know that our fathers did not get along, but I am a pastor and would like to extend the olive branch so that I up hold my duty as a minister and lead the good Christian way. My patroness Lady Cat de Bourgh expressly informed me that it was what I should do. She was so gracious and said I should spend a week in Maryton – even Sunday. That is how much she supports this idea, she greatly prefers my sermons, but will sacrifice the pleasure for me to make amends. I will arrive in a week come Monday and stay through the following. I wasn't able to find a hotel in Maryton on the internet but I'm sure there is one. If you could get me that information I would be much obliged.
God Bless,
William Collins, Reverend
From: janiebean. Re: Meeting you
Dear William,
There really are no hotels in town, but even if there were I wouldn't make you stay in one. You shall stay with my sister Elizabeth and me at my apartment. I was surprised to receive your email, Father hasn't talked about your family in ages, but I am pleased to see some reconciliation between us. It's a bummer that our fathers were so stubborn. Elizabeth and I will meet you at the Omaha airport on Monday.
See you then,
Jane Bennet
Crawling, on the planet's face. Some insects, called the Human Race. Lost in Time, and lost in space... and in meaning.
Don't dream it, be it.
September 10th, 2005 3:51:09 CST
Feeling: Confused
Music: Who are You; The Who
Didja ever look at a dollar bill, man? There's some spooky shit goin' on there. And it's green too. (I'm Dazed and Confused.)
I am so confused. It's making my head hurt. Why, you ask, is Lizzy confused?
1. The metric system- damn conversions
2. Darcy, Will Darcy. Jane suggests that I now like him. She points out all of his points I have dated in other men. To find a man agreeable whom one is determined to hate! Do not wish me such an evil. He came with Charles to the lake last week. He was handsome still, but also funny. He recognized quotes and played off of people. He was not the bitchy SOB I once thought. Argh! He was always looking at me. What does it mean? What does it mean? Stupid man, evil man. I will hate him always. ALWAYS. Even if he is a doctor and took care of my foot when I jammed that log into it. He could fit his hand around my ankle. That didn't excite me, that didn't turn me on, it didn't it didn't! I did NOT just write that. Argh! My head is such a mess on this score I don't know what to think at all. Just remember Lizzy, he doesn't know a hippie from a bohemian. Stupid Git.
3. Caroline Bingley. Not really a confusion factor but an anger one. Weeelllll,
Kyle's mom's a bitch, she's a big fat bitch, She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world, She's a stupid bitch, if there ever was a bitch, She's a bitch to all the boys and girls.
On Monday she's a bitch On Tuesday she's a bitch On Wednesday thru Saturday she's a bitch Then on Sunday just to be different, She's u super king kamehameha bitch Have you ever met my friend Kyle's Mom, She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world, She's a mean old bitch, she has stupid hair, She's a bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch Bitch, bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch She's a stupid bitch, Kyle's Mom's a bitch, And she's such a dirty bitch. Talk to kids around the world, It might go a little something like this... Sung in three different languages by other children Have you ever met my friend Kyle's Mom, She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world, She's a mean old bitch, she has stupid hair, She's a bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch Bitch, bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch. She's a stupid bitch, Kyle's Mom's a bitch, And she's such a dirty bitch; I really mean it, Kyle's Mom, she's a big fat, stinking bitch Big old fat fuckin' bitch, Kyle's Mommmmmmmmmmm .Yeahhhhh, Chaaaaa This is the only way I can describe her, and when ever I think of her I hear this song. She's looking to jump Darcy's bones, and I wish she would. He is in more dire need of a blowjob than any white man in history. I did NOT just think about blowjobs and Darcy. I did not. The image, my retinas. My poor retinas. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh! Getting off track. Getting back on track. Caroline Bingley is a bitch from hell and should die. Danni is totally with me on this one. We had a lot of fun pissing her off. She wanted Darcy to save her from this spider that was in the bathroom. I believe Danni said, "Honey, there's a spider the size of a Buick in your bathroom." She was freaking out over a spider. So Danni used her shoe to kill it. Danni came out and just yelled, "THIS IS GETTING RE-GOD-DAMN-DICULOUS" I love that girl.
4. Mad – dog. She was getting on really well with Darcy. Like she knew him from before. They played off each other the most. Like she genuinely liked him, which is weird because she was the one who deemed him the fuckwit. But they did shit together. Like rode around in the paddle boat and sang that one Jaws song, its like; Farewell and adieu to you fair Spanish ladies / Farewell and adieu you ladies of Spain. / For we received orders for to sail back to Boston / And soon never more will we see you again. He has a really good singing voice. Argh! Enough with his good qualities. He's a fuckwit asshole from the tenth ring of hell! GaH! Bangs head against desk
5. Who the hell is William Collins and why is he coming to stay with me and Janie!
This is really pissing me off, all of it.
Crawling, on the planet's face. Some insects, called the Human Race. Lost in Time, and lost in space... and in meaning.
Don't dream it, be it.
September 12th, 2005 3:51:09 CST
Feeling: Annoyed
Music: The Christian; Jimmy Buffett
Family, gotta love 'em; 'cause you can't kill them
I seriously want a second opinion about that. Our 'dear cousin' William Collins arrived today. In fact he's blathering on about this rich chick who's his 'patroness' as I type. Odious man. He's rather like a toad. And a midget. A todget, that's what he is a todget. He's shorter than I am. I didn't think that was possible, but it apparently is. The todget keeps croaking on and on about shit that is even too boring for Mary. And she reads medieval literature. How can this man, no thing, be related to me? A first cousin no less! I know that Popsicle always said "Stupid men are the only ones worth knowing, after all." But this is re-god-damn-diculous. He's shorter than I, has brown hair that he didn't rinse very well – it's all greasy, his skin is oily, his face holds an imperialist manor and his facial expression is that of distance as he looks at his surroundings. He's wearing suspenders and a sports coat – its September. And I thought Darcy had a cob up his ass. And this guy is just so… so Christian. And not the good kind of good person. I've got nothing against religion you have yours I'll have mine. But he's smothering religious. There is no wonder why he's single. This is how crazy this mo'fo' is, he asked what I did and I told him. I danced and on vacation worked for a bar. He instantly latches into this rant about the evils of alcohol and the immorality of theater. Then he asked what dancing I did. I have scared the shit out of him, I replied exotic. He about had a heart attack. Then he tried to save me. I better go, the todget is talking to me again. Let's see what will condemn me to hell this time.
Crawling, on the planet's face. Some insects, called the Human Race. Lost in Time, and lost in space... and in meaning.
Don't dream it, be it.
September 12th, 2005 9:15:06 CST
Feeling: Frustrated
Music: I Want to Break Free; Queen
You're stupid, with two 'oo's
I couldn't take it any more. William Collins is stupid – with two 'oo's! I'm now sitting with Gaye, Jessie, Lottie, Matt, and Meg at the pub. Everything is a little better with friends and beer. They're finding the whole situation very funny. Us heathens must stick together. I can't decide if my friends are the best or worst thing that ever happened to me. But they've happened to me. We're hatching a plan about how to annoy this guy. So far we're thinking drunken orgy and gay pride parade. Or maybe telling him I'm Bah' I and bi. That would make him go bye – bye. He's only been here like six hours and I already want him gone. He really sucks.
Elizabeth stood behind the bar at the Lucas Lodge Pub preparing for lunch. She was subbing for Charlotte who had a doctor's appointment. Elizabeth had made a big deal about going to the bar that morning for the shear pleasure of inflicting pain on her cousin. She really hated him. Yet for all her trying he seemed to not hate her.
Around one Charles, Dick, and Darcy entered the pub, it was relatively quite, it was a Tuesday, the week's most worthless day and only a few people were there. Charles greeted her warmly and after ordering a pitcher inquired after the pool tables in the back. He and Darcy (who had merely nodded to her) took the beer and Dick found the sticks and they began to play. Elizabeth tried not to watch them. Even though the sight of Darcy leaning over to shoot was unnervingly appealing to her.
At about four a man entered the pub. He was dressed in casual air force clothes and was rather handsome. He walked up to the bar and ordered a beer. Elizabeth smiled at him – he was new, she could tell that much and she didn't want to be cold to an alien in town. Besides he was good looking. He sat down at a stool and since he was the only one there she chatted him up. He said his name was George Wickham and he was in fact new to the Midwest. He was stationed at Offutt after returning from Iraq. After about a half hour and two beers downed by George the Bingley party came to pay and leave. Darcy eyed George the whole time that Charles and Elizabeth talked. Like he was staring down an evil force. George just stared back. After they left George turned to her again.
"So how long has Darcy been in the neighborhood?" He asked, failing at being casual.
"Dunno, about a month. You know him then?" Elizabeth replied.
"Surprising isn't it, given our cold lack of greeting just now. But yes I know him. I know him very well." George said. Elizabeth leaned on the bar. She was liking this Wickham, he had easy conversation skills. Perhaps not the fastest at sarcasm, but very carefree none the less. "He is the reason why I'm in the air force."
"Oh really?" Elizabeth said. "Partake of my bartender's ear?" She asked. Anything about Will Darcy's character intrigued her.
"Oh yes. We grew up together our father's were friends, great friends. Old Mr. Darcy was my godfather and business head of the company that my father was on the board of. Darcy and I were raised almost as brothers and up until college we were fine with that. Then college came, and my father died. Mr. Darcy took me in fully. He promised to provide for me. I wanted to go to Harvard and study," he paused and liked his lips, "theology, become a pastor. However after my first year at school Mr. Darcy died. Will took over the money. He gave me some, but not nearly enough for Harvard. So I had to drop out. I had to join the military to pay for my schooling. I totally had to drop my ideas of the church. Then I got sent to Iraq…" George said. Elizabeth's first response, given her fiery nature was pure unadulterated hatred. She cursed Darcy for being an asshole. And she cursed herself for not cursing him enough for that fact.
"That's terrible George, just terrible." Elizabeth said.
"Oh don't fret about it, I am quite content – I'm serving my country and seeing more than I ever would've seen as a rector." Elizabeth was about to reply when Lydia Bennet bounded into the pub.
"Lizzy!" she exclaimed bouncing over to the bar. Good Lord, what is she wearing? Elizabeth thought looking at her youngest sister in hot pants and a tight v – neck tee shirt. And they let her in school like that. With that thought Elizabeth felt exceedingly old.
"Lizzy, Lizzy I don't get this." Lydia whined slapping down a sheet of paper. "Mr. Beeson is a bitch! It's the second day of school, I don't know how to doe this!"
"Hey. Tomas Beeson is not a bitch, I had him when I was your age, for a math teacher he's pretty awesome." Elizabeth snapped at her sister. She wasn't sure what the worksheet would bring – Lydia was a senior and Elizabeth hadn't done serious math since college. But she looked at it anyway.
"Lydia honey, this is algebra one. Freshmeat math." Lydia whined that she didn't care if it was Kindergarten math – she didn't get it. Lizzy sighed and dug around under the counter for something to work the problem on.
"Oh, hello." She could hear Lydia say – she must've finally seen George. "What's your name?" Yep, she had definitely seen the signal man, her voice was instantly flirtatious. Lizzy didn't worry; George was one of the good guys and knew that Lydia was a high schooler.
"Okay Lyd, pay attention." Elizabeth said resurfacing with a pencil, pad, and calculator. "The first problem; a + 5 9a – 11, solve for a." Elizabeth said writing it on her pad.
"What's the first step?" She prompted.
"Get the variable on one side of the equals sign." George said after a silence from Lydia. "Sorry, I always liked math."
"No problem." Lydia said she wasn't focusing on her sister's lesson, just on George.
"A equals 2" Elizabeth said after working the problem entirely by herself.
"What?" Lydia asked.
"A equals 2" Lizzy repeated.
"How?" Elizabeth rolled her eyes and explained that all the steps she took were on the page. Lydia whined about how not nice Elizabeth was for not explaining it to her again, but Elizabeth didn't budge. How the hell is she passing? Was all Elizabeth thought on the matter. So in a huff Lydia left, leaving her instructions behind.
"I'll give them to her." George said fishing into his pocket. "How much?"
"It's on the house. We always support our troops." Elizabeth said. And with that George grabbed the page and scampered out of the pub.
Crawling, on the planet's face. Some insects, called the Human Race. Lost in Time, and lost in space... and in meaning.
Don't dream it, be it.
September 13th, 2005 10:30:08 CST
Feeling: Murderous
Music: My Stepdad's Not Mean (He's Just Adjusting); Death to Smoochy Soundtrack
DEATH TO DARCY
Track down this murderer! He must be found! Your hand at the level of your eyes! Track down this murderer - He must be found! Hunt out this animal, who runs to ground! Too long he's preyed on us - but now we know: the Phantom of the Opera is there deep down below . . . He's here: the Phantom of the Opera . . . Track down this murderer - he must be found! Hunt out this animal, who runs to ground! Too long he's preyed on us - but now we know: the Phantom of the Opera is there deep down below . . Who is this monster, this murdering beast? Revenge for Piangi! Revenge for Buquet! This creature must never go free . . . Ignore anything remotely good I said about Will Darcy. He is the devil incarnate. I met this solider, named George Wickham, he was at the pub during my shift and he knows Darcy very well. Well enough to get fucked over by him. After Darcy – no Satan – was done with him George had only one option – the military and Iraq. Death to Darcy!
Comments: (3)
Replies: (2)
Yha, Kill Him
I'm so with you Lizzy. George is sooooooo nice – he offered to help me with my math.
Comment by lydangelicdevil
Let's Think About This
Lizzy you're acting on impulse again. Let's think. What's a military guy doing in a pub on a Tuesday afternoon? And he just came out and told you what ever history he did – I know people open up to bartenders but I don't buy it. Just be careful. Okay? Btw is Collins that guy with Janie at Greta's this morning?
Comment by Lottie99
Whose Side Are You On?
Lottie don't tell me you're on Darcy's side. I thought better of you, I really did. I'm sure that George was just on leave or something. He's honorable I'm positive – he's just back from Iraq. As for the todget – don't call him Collins. Tom Collins is the only Collins. Yes that was him. Greasy isn't he?
Response by Twinkletoes
I've Got To Meet These People
Luci, I hope you noticed that you only used the mob lines from Track down this Murder. I find that fitting, only one player gets his say. In that song Erik had good reasons, perhaps Darcy does as well. I'm with Lottie on this one. I wouldn't trust him so explicitly. And he's offered to help Lydia. Do you think that's wise? Even if your trust him, do you trust her? You can hate Darcy but hate him because he's stuffy, not because of hearsay. Yes I'm calling it hearsay even if it is 'from the horse's mouth' that's exactly how I feel about it. On a slightly lighter note, Gaye and I have GOT to meet this 'todget' guy. Perhaps if we get together. Gaye wants your cute butt and ours together. So how 'bout tonight we could go to Council Bluffs, hit the Squeeze In and go dancing?
Comment by Jessie
Maybe, Maybe Not
After that bash session I'm not so sure Jessie my man….. Okay Just kidding yha that sounds good. Wait, why am I posting this? Ignore me!
Comment by Twinkletoes
From the PDA of F. Darcy
What is he doing here? How is it that he always can pop up when I just start to feel rid of him? He got on so well with Lizzy – God Lizzy! She probably thought him quite attractive. I hope – I pray she didn't find him quite believable. But she probably did – Danni gave me the what for on how I treated her and how big of an ass I am. But I hope I changed that over the weekend, If George makes Elizabeth hate me I don't know what I'd do, it'd be the last straw. First Dad, then G, and now Elizabeth? It cannot be. I glazed over the details with everyone but Caroline so that just incase they can help play defense with me. I won't leave that's for sure. I can't run forever, hopefully this situation won't call for it. Charles is staying for another month but I only have a few more weeks. Hopefully this will iron its self out. But probably not.
From the PDA of F. Darcy
I just read myself. I am such a fuckwit. I made no sense at all. I must remain strong and level headed. I have two weeks and then hopefully I will fall out of love with Elizabeth and if George spreads what ever he's bullshit he is I won't have to deal with it.
Crawling, on the planet's face. Some insects, called the Human Race. Lost in Time, and lost in space... and in meaning.
Don't dream it, be it.
September 14th, 2005 1:03:48 CST
Feeling: Confused (again)
Music: Confused; Natalie Brown
Earl Had to Die, Goodbye Earl
I haven't quite decide on who Earl is, at the moment I have too many people on my 'to kill' list to make a definite decision yet. I take it back. I'm going to kill the todget, Jane will help me. People JANE will help me. Doesn't that tell you something about how annoying and icky this guy is? As for the other Earl that I will kill – I don't know. For a while I wanted to kill Darcy (on two separate charges I might add) but everyone has talked me down. They aren't convinced of one of the allegations. The one made by George. Of course now I'm questioning my entire views on him, Darcy, and not objecting to his tutoring Lydia. Perhaps now would be the time that I learn how to run away from my problems, like mom and dad. I go back to the city in two weeks I could just not solve anything and go. The more I think of it the better I like the idea. I'd be at home and at work; the two places I love more than family. I'd be away from Lydia, George would be at Offutt, and Darcy would be where ever the hell he's from and so will Caroline the bitch. This could work.