Chapter Seven; You Might Be a Redneck If…

I'll call you, cause you called me. This is Jane's cell phone - y. So leave your
name and number at the tone. Sorry that I'm not at home. Beep

Hey Jane, this is Charles. My number is 555-4582. Darcy and I were thinking about going down to the Lodge and playing some pool, wanted to know if you and Lizzy wanted to join us. Love you.

Thank you for calling Santa's workshop. Santa can't come to the phone right now, and the elves are out back barbecuing Blitzen. After the tone, please leave your Christmas list, and maybe we'll get back to you!

Lizzy! That's not very nice! Any way Charles called. Wanna play pool – of course you do. I'll meet you at the lodge. You call Charles; his number is 712 – 555-4582. Thanks! Love you. Oh, and I want a pony

It's the Bingley's answering machine speaking – They aren't here. If you want to reach Charles call 904 – 353 - 1353. If you want to call Caroline call 555 – 3713. If you want to call Dick and Lou call 555 – 4582. If you want to call Darcy call 555 – 3542. It spells out I asshole.1

Shut up.

Just remember I asshole. If you want any of this repeated hang up and call again.

Telephone Tag! You're it!

Thanks for calling Dial-An-Asshole. Right now, all our assholes are busy. After the tone, leave your name and number, and we'll have an asshole return your call as soon as possible.

Telly tag –

"Hello?" Darcy said picking up his cell phone, Lizzy was surprised and paused.

"Hello?"

"Nice message. 90 I asshole eh?" Lizzy said over the phone, it made her voice lower and huskier.

"What do you think Charles and I do on Fridays? Something constructive?" He replied her wonderful laughter filled his ear.

"Janie and I are at the Lodge – gunna order food. Any requests?"

"We'll trust you. Charles and I'll finish up our – uh walk." Okay fist fight "and see you in a few." With that they hung up. Darcy turned to a roughed up Charles and said,

"You look like shit."

"I wouldn't have if you'd just have admitted that you love Elizabeth. And you want a double wedding with me and Jane and a picket fence that looks like Nancy Caragain's teeth and 2.5 kids and –"

"Enough. We really should get cleaned up." Darcy said. Don't listen to him – even if the ideas are good. No! Stay the course.

Charles and Darcy entered the lodge to find Jane and Elizabeth already playing. Jane greeted Charles with a kiss; Elizabeth greeted Darcy with a cue.

"I'm solids, but Janie and I will team on stripes." Elizabeth said gesturing to the table. There was the lone five ball for solids, and five striped balls. "I wouldn't do that to you." Elizabeth continued, Darcy chuckled.

"You go ahead." He said, "Catch up."

"It's on." Elizabeth said smiling at him. Jane and Charles were still 'greeting' each other. Elizabeth just rolled her eyes and informed him that the twelve ball was going into the corner pocket. He rolled his eyes, she was going to have to not only bank the shot but do it in a combination as well. She did, with a satisfying click the striped purple ball landed in the pocket.

"Nine ball in the side pocket." She ran the table until they were equal.

"You're right, it is on." Darcy said and after he hit Charles with his cue he began his shot.

"You two needed air." He said.

"Or a room. I woulda said a room."

Elizabeth won the first game with a remarkable English cut.

"I think you're a hustler." Darcy joked with her after she offered to play cut throat as the next game.

"What do you think I do on my Fridays? Something constructive?" Elizabeth replied.

"There aren't enough balls." Jane observed.

"Elizabeth gets less." Darcy said.

"It still won't work." Charles said. "Doing the math; with factor of our handicaps, Jane and I should have four balls. That leaves six so A) Darcy you get four and Elizabeth two or B) both of you get three."

"I like B." Elizabeth said.

"Afraid?" Darcy asked her, even if he loved this woman – which he did, he still was competitive as ever.

"Of you? Never." Elizabeth responded. "Know what Chucky me boy I think I will go with that two ball idea, just to show mister big shot how it's done." Elizabeth said flipping her hair over her shoulder and racking the balls. Everyone got their numbers and Elizabeth started the game with a nice run. She knocked off two of everyone's.

"Now we're even." She said after her run was through. Darcy was about to say that it wasn't going to be for long but a young woman entered the pub.

"Lizzy!" She called.

"Mary!" Elizabeth replied rushing to greet her. As they approached together he could look at her better. This Mary looked a lot like Elizabeth, but her features lacked Lizzy's playfulness.

"Okay, here's the run down. I case you've forgotten that's your sister. Then that's Charles and that's Darcy. And if you actually came home when you're supposed to you would know all these people better than you do." Elizabeth said pointing to each person in turn. So this is the other Bennet girl, wait aren't there two more? Darcy thought.

"I know Lizzy, I know, Daddy already gave me the what for about not being home when you were. But I had to be at school – I made it into the all state brain bowl team!" Mary said, both sisters rushed her all over again and both men clapped impressed.

"I'll forgive you, but you do know I go back soon?" Lizzy said. Conversation would've ensued but soon the polyphonic ring of Giacomo Puccini's la Boheme Che gelida manina played. Mary shyly picked up.

"Hello mama." She said. "Yes, mama, I found her. Yes, mama, I'll send her." There was a very mundane strain in her voice as she spoke to their mother. That instantly left when she hung up.

"Lizzy, that cousin of yours the one who resembles a toad, has requested a private audience with you. Whatever that means in this day and age. I was sent to retrieve you. Which in mother's eyes I have done poorly because you are still here. He's at home." Mary said, chocking a bit on the word 'home.'

"Hey, that todget is also your cousin, my dear sister." Elizabeth said. "I'll go to this shin dig, just to see what the hell it's all about. But you gotta win the game of cut throat for me."

"How do I do that?" Mary asked. She may have Elizabeth's blood and Elizabeth's looks but she did not have Elizabeth's skills.

"Well, it's Darcy's turn now, and if he gets any where near my two balls, fourteen and fifteen, you distract him, screw up his shot." Elizabeth said wrapping her arm around her sister's shoulders and waved a hand at the table.

"Should I ask how?" Was Mary's slightly pained question.

"Well you could flash the twins – he is a man after all." Elizabeth said poking her sister's left breast, Mary flinched and blushed. "Or you could take out his knees; you know how to do that, right?"

"You've taught me well on that account." Mary said taking the cue stick from Elizabeth and holding it with uncertainty. "Now be gone with you – I don't want to listen to mama more than I have to."

It was only about five miles from Jane's apartment to the Bennet house and Elizabeth didn't really want to leave the one for the other; thus, opted to ride her bike. She arrived at her childhood home fifteen minutes later, at about five o'clock. She was met by her mother; a woman of about fifty something or other who could pass quite well as a ginger cat. Especially since she still dyed her hair red even though it had been truly grey since her eldest was in high school.

"Elizabeth, about time you showed up! What kept you?" her mother said – screeched rather as she pulled her daughter inside. "Poor William has been waiting some time for you. He's in the living room." And with that Elizabeth was thrown into the room in question and locked in. Collins who had been sitting on the sofa stood as she 'entered' and said.

"Dear cousin Elizabeth, won't you sit down?" Elizabeth plopped down on the piano bench with little ceremony. The room was dark as it always was and hot. It would kill her mother to open a window, she was sure of it. "Now my dear, my reasons for marrying are thus; one I believe that I as a pastor should set a good Christian example of matrimony. Two, I believe that it would make me very happy. But third is the major reason for my quest for a wife, Lady Cat has told me on several occasions that I need a wife and she would be most pleased if I found one. I always try to please such a noble woman if it is with in my power. And marriage is something very much within my power. It is within my power to provide her someone who isn't too lively and opinionated. Someone who will fulfill Ephesians 5:22- 5:24. "Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, and Christ also is the head of the assembly, being himself the savior of the body. But as the assembly is subject to Christ, so let the wives also be to their own husbands in everything." I was to pick a gentlewoman not to highly taught but not lowly fed either. And I was to purpose. I have now done everything I was asked to do by my patroness. Now will you do what I ask of you and become my wife? I will never again mention the fact your are merely from Iowa with no notable college to your name or good profession. You will never have to touch the bottle again and dancing with be willing given up I am sure. You can live with me in marriage and raise our children and be the proper woman, no longer have to live as you do." He probably would've gone on but Elizabeth couldn't take it any more.

"Before you name our children I would like to stop you. I suppose I should thank you for your 'kind' proposal but it wasn't so I won't. I do not wish to be your wife ever. You can do nothing to change my mind. Hell, you can't do a thing as it is. You even miss quoted the bible! Your profession!"

"What! When?" Collins exclaimed changing color.

"Ephesians does say all that stuff about submission but you interpreted it incorrectly. If you read the next lines down you would see that you are a chauvinistic asshole. "Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the assembly, and gave himself up for it; that he might sanctify it, having cleansed it by the washing of water with the word, that he might present the assembly to himself gloriously, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. Even so ought husbands also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself." You will love your wife like God loves you thus a woman does not really submit at all. And what are you smoking that makes you think I am not lively and opinionated?" Elizabeth had jumped to her feet and was now squaring off with her cousin across the coffee table.

"I don't think you know who I am Elizabeth. I am here to save you. But also introduce you to a superior society that is far above this lowly pig infested state of inbreeding and stupidity!" Collins replied, his dander was up.

"Inbreeding! We're first cousins! Maryton's not THAT far south. The idea is nasty and probably not legal!" Elizabeth said.

"No wife of mine will speak to me like that." Collins said. Elizabeth laughed heartily. "How am I funny, like a clown? What is so funny about me? What the FUCK is so funny about me? Tell me. Tell me what's funny."

"You are so right no wife of yours will speak to you in such a way because I am not nor will ever be your wife. I believe my dear cousin William that you do not know who I am. My name is Elizabeth Luciana Bennet."

"Yes, yes I know that." Collins cut in extremely irritated.

"I attended school in Maryton and at age eighteen had not a penny to go to college on but through my own achievements with not a fuck from anyone else got myself a full ride scholarship to one of the most prestigious dance schools in the states if not the world! I am a TISHie! I attended NYU and danced! Hell I danced my way into the persona of Luciana Keene – I am a world fucking famous ballerina who is jousted over constantly to be in productions. I'm getting a quarter of a million dollars just for auditioning for Meg Girty on Broadway. I receive top billing in everything I touch. I don't need you I am happy and can support my own ass better than you ever could or would. I will not stop dancing even if God himself commands me to!" Elizabeth exclaimed and then turned to open the door, it remained locked. She could hear her mother on the other side of it screaming at her,

"You marry that man young lady! You marry that man, you little bitch!" Elizabeth cried out in anguish and exhaustion, bearing her soul in an almost homicidal rage was tiresome. She turned to the staircase and sprinted up it she could hear Collins after her but she was too quick and locked the door to the upstairs bedroom. Fuck, now what do I do? Elizabeth asked herself as she paced around what used to be the room she and Jane shared. Ah ha! I'll just climb out the window. Elizabeth decided after a blessedly short time she could here her mother digging around for her room keys. Elizabeth sprang into action and pushed her bookcase out from under the window and put it in front of the door. She then tried to open the widow over the roof. It was painted shut. Elizabeth put all her force into the upward motion or opening the pane and it did eventually creek open just enough for her to shimmy out of the room and on to the roof only sustaining a few sort of bleeding scratches to her stomach and back. Thankfully her father had never gotten around to trimming the oak that was by the house a sturdy looking branch was very close to the roof and with a miracle of a jump Lizzy found herself in the tree. If only this had happened on prom night. Elizabeth reflected thinking about how she broke twelve bones on her junior prom night. She scampered down the tree like a cat and hopped to the ground the leap gave her enough momentum and she ran to the pull barn some thirty yards away. Her beloved father was there tinkering with the lawnmower.

"Daddy I'm talking the Baby Doll – you never saw me. Don't worry about the car I will call Kink when I can. I love you." She said hopping into her father's pale blue vintage mustang. She found the keys and peeled out all before Tomas Bennet could mumble an 'mmmkay.'

Fitzwilliam, Charles and Dick all sat around the large screen TV in the living room watching a Harvard football pick up game. It was on an obscure ESPEN channel at an odd hour (9:30) but they didn't care, Harvard was winning. The crimson brothers (as they called themselves) couldn't be happier. He hadn't felt this good since he kicked Elizabeth's ass at pool. Okay it was an Elizabeth stand in but he still schooled her. Damn, now you'll never focus on the game. He had done it, he had thought of her. He was now doomed. Thankfully everyone's concentration was broken with the shrill ring of the telephone. Charles fumbled around the couch for it and raised it to his ear as he pressed mute on the television.

"'Lo" he said into the receiver. Jane was on the other end and sounded worried.

"Charles, is Lizzy with you?" Jane asked.

"Nope." Charles said happily, number twenty five had just scored a touchdown.

"Fuck." Charles sat bolt up right and tensed, something was really wrong. He could her it in Janie's voice she was upset, raw, and horse. And she never really swore.

"What's wrong?" He asked focusing all his attention on his love, Darcy and Dick exchanged looks of inquiry.

"Elizabeth isn't back yet. She hasn't called. She's not with you, or at the Lodge, or with any of the gang. I can't find her." Jane said.

"What happened?" Charles asked.

"I don't know!" Jane said, Good Lord she was crying. "I know nothing after she left. Mom called me and Mary. Collins purposed to her and she locked herself in her room, next thing we know the window's open and she's gone. I know she took the Baby Doll but I don't know where she is." Charles stood up.

"I'll be right over love and I'll bring help. We'll find her. I promise." And with that he hung up. Darcy had jumped up at the phrase 'bring help'

"What is it Charles? What's going on?" He asked.

"Elizabeth's AWAL, MIA, vanished and Jane has no idea about anything. She's really worried."

"Well when are we going?" Darcy exclaimed. There was a screech and Caroline 'fell'.

"Oh help, I need a doctor!" She cried looking at Darcy the whole time. Darcy didn't notice, Elizabeth was missing - Caroline be damned. Dick understood and told him to go and find Lizzy; he'd take care of his sister – in – law. Darcy was eternally grateful as he and Charles rushed to the truck.

Jane met them at the door looking extremely distressed but none the less gorgeous. Charles immediately swept her up into his arms and cuddled her close leading the way to the couch.

"I know I'm over reacting but I'm so worried. Last time Lizzy jumped off the roof she broke a lot of bones – and when that she wasn't distressed. I have no idea where she is." Jane said into Charles' shoulder.

"Well who's looking for her?" Darcy asked.

"Dad and Mary are at the pond, the Bill and Eileen are all over the Lodge, Charlotte is talking to Collins, Gaye and Jessie are at the school, Matt and Meg the Cemetery." Jane rattled off.

"Where should I look?" Darcy asked desperate to be of service.

"There is one other place. I'm not sure if she'd go back, it's not as safe as it used to be…"

"Where? What; I'll search it." If Charles and Jane hadn't been so distressed they would've speculated about how deeply in love Darcy was.

"The old school house. It's outside of the next town over – Tabor. She used to go there with the gang when they could drive. But it's so abandoned now – unsafe." Darcy gulped.

"Give me directions, I'll check it. You two stay here." He said. Jane did and he was on his way in no time.

The old school house was an eerie sight indeed in the full moon. It was at least three stories and left for a very long time. The tuck pointing was crumbling and Darcy understood why Jane said it was unsafe. He parked the truck and locked it before approaching the Tabor school house with some trepidation; Iowa was the meth capital of the world and labs were always in secluded and abandoned buildings. Inside he decide that not even an addict wanted to be there, there wasn't much of a roof, the moon shown through the ceilings from floors above illuminating better than any flashlight he held.

"Lizzy!" He called, "Lizzy!" His voice brought down dust and he swore he could hear bats screech replies. There was no reply. He walked for a little bit more, out of sick curiosity really. The entire building was gutted long ago there were plants in what were once rooms and the interior walls were only half standing. It was through one that he saw her as he was about to go. She was dancing again, her movements like she was trying to purge herself of whatever emotion she was feeling. Standing on barefoot tip – toes, Georgiana called it demi-point, she brought her other leg up and with her arms created a circle so she looked sort of like a lollipop, not to trivialize the flexibility but she did. Then with a snap she was out of position and off in a leap. She dove and rolled, the music in her head must've changed. She continued to dance, her body fluid and boundless. He watched her perform painful looking maneuvers only hoping she limbered up before any of this. She was completely out of touch with reality. How am I supposed to bring her back to know? He wondered. However his answer soon came, she jumped very close to him and he caught her, one hand on her triceps on hand supporting her thigh. Her eyes snapped open and the spell was broken. He put her down awkwardly.

"Did your sister make you take ballet lessons as well?" She asked turning to him.

"Not really, no. She took them but I never did." He replied.

"How many years?" Elizabeth asked.

"Five, she quit when the rest of her class moved to point work, her ankles weren't up to it." He said.

"Pity, I always loved point work. But your sister has moved on to bigger and better things, has she not?"

"I'm not here to talk about Georgiana, as much as I love to, I'm here because of your sister. You're killing Jane with worry right now." He said. Elizabeth showed no emotion.

"She needn't be. I would've called when I returned to Kink's. I couldn't go back there or 'home' if you paid me." She was hollow inside.

"Is that where you left the car? I didn't see one when I pulled up." Elizabeth nodded then shivered. She was only wearing a light tunic and a pair of cut offs. The weather had gotten colder and Fitzwilliam now understood why Jeff Foxworthy described an Iowan as 'perfectly okay with switching from A/C to heat in the same day'.

"Come on Bennet, let's get you – let's get you where ever you're going." Darcy said wrapping his arm around her. They exited the building and found a local policeman standing by Charles' truck; he didn't really look at them as he started to speak,

"You realize this property is— oh, hi, Beth." The officer recognized Elizabeth and tipped his hat. The man was about Darcy's age and smiled at them.

"Evening Wal." Elizabeth said.

"You good Beth? I just met Galen and his boyfriend up to the cemetery, said they were looking for you?"

"Yha, Walter, I'm fine." She replied Walter looked like he was waiting for an explanation for her absents. "Just showing William here the reason why the country is better than any city." She said.

"Gottcha. So you two…" he pointed between them.

"Nobody knows Wal, and its gunna stay that way, right?" Elizabeth's answer was directed towards the officer but she was looking at Darcy the whole time. There was a look in her eyes that inspired his more theatrical side he drew her closer and said softly,

"Not a soul."

"Okay then!" was all Walter said as he made a mad dash to leave them, over the roar of his engine he said something about saying hello to everyone but peeled out before that could be confirmed or deigned. Darcy wanted to kiss her terribly but Elizabeth was laughing too hard for that.

"That, William Darcy, was mean. Poor Wal." She said through giggles.

"What?" he said leading her toward the Ford.

"We just reminded him of his sexless existence, and we're not hitting it." She said pulling herself into the cab. HE hopped into the driver's seat, but didn't start the engine.

"Will there be backlash?" he asked. As much as it would please him, he was sure it wouldn't please her.

"He knows better. Don't worry 'bout it. Besides we'll be gone soon." She replied.

"We?"

"Yes – aren't you leaving tomorrow?"

"Yha, but I'm not a 'we'."

"You and I are a 'we'." After she said that the multiple meanings of what she said hit them both. "That's not what I mean William – GaH! That name, that name. How I HATE that name! Oh – sorry Will." She was having an emotional battle in her head.

"S'okay. My name's not William." He said.

"Really? What is it then?" she inquired.

"Fitzwilliam…No laughing." Perhaps his opening up would educe her to open up.

"I'm not; I like Fitzwilliam much better than William." Darcy started the truck and got back on the highway.

"Jane is really worried about you, she'll be glad to have you home."

"Don't take me back there. He's there." She said, there was something in her voice, a mixture of anger and sadness and anger.

"Well where should I take you?" he asked.

"Kink's. I'd prefer to go to him." Elizabeth looked out the window and re rest of the drive back to Maryton's was silent. On the edge of town he finally spoke.

"Where to?" Elizabeth gave him perfect directions in a detached manor, one she had had all drive. They stopped in front of a modest split level house. An older man in overalls was on the front porch with the two men that she had been talking to at Charles' party. One he recognized as her dance partner from before. He was tall, dark haired, obviously the old man's son, and he was wearing a fitted tee shirt. Darcy couldn't read it but it had the rainbow on it. The other man was also dark and tall, not a relation of the other two. He was dressed more conservatively.

"Thank you Fitzwilliam. I'll call Janie sometime soon." She said and rushed out of the cab and into the house before he could reply. So with a sigh he waved at the men and returned to Charles and Jane.

He didn't knock because the door was ajar. He instantly regretted the decision. He walked in, turned on his heel and walked out. Charles could just spend the night. As Fitzwilliam headed back to Neatherfield he thought to himself,

"Thank God I'm going home tomorrow."

1 Not really, and hopefully I didn't get any real numbers, like the first time I posted this. Thanks for the heads up people!

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