Alternative Ending to Notes from Underground, a book x-overs fanfic

Alternative Ending To Notes from Underground

I stood in the middle of street for nearly twenty minutes with the heavy wet snow soaking my body with a vengeful chill. My physical reaction was to leave but my mind was tormented by the idea that Liza, my poor Liza, had disappeared forever. Disappeared into the dark cellars of debauchery with no hope other than her body being ravaged by the scoundrels of society. Although the moon was full, the heavy snow made it increasingly hard to make out the people on the street. As I began to walk back towards my apartment I inadvertently recalled the conversation I had with Liza upon our acquaintance in the cellar. I knew just as well as she that if she continued with her current situation that she would undoubtedly endure the painful aches of consumption. So how could she detest me and run away? Did she think a good natured Kirsanov would rescue her from the dredges and fulfill her dreams? Ha! No man with half a brain would reach out and free her from society's chains. As I reached the door to my building I wiped my dripping face to reveal a smile that only I could tell was nothing more than a hoax to disguise myself in the underground.

Upon entering my quarters I noticed the door to Apollon's room was closed. I gracefully passed with no intention of justifying my recent outburst. After all, why should I? I am only responsible for making sure I pay him for his services. It is not my duty to see that he understands the reasoning behind my actions. If he is unhappy with his current situation here then he is governed by freewill to seek another employer. Besides it would be no loss to me if he were to choose to leave. I might actually condone it if her were to confront me with such a proposal. I could save seven rubles a month with him gone and in a year's time have enough to replace my embarrassing rags that barely pass as clothes. Yes, that is exactly what I shall do. I will tell Apollon in the morning that I no longer need his services and in a years time I will acquire some new clothing. Then, there will be no more! condescending jokes from my coworkers. With ninety-six rubles I can surely find a decent pre-owned suit, one that will match my physical appearance to my intellectual superiority. It is only right that a man with exceptional intelligence be viewed as a character of importance. Ahhh, what do I care! A new suit would only place me amongst the rest of the Neanderthals. I would be insulting myself if I were to blend in with the rest of them. I would be transparent to the common eye because my intelligence would be over looked. My thoughts would be restrained to the underground with no hope of surfacing and I would be degraded to a typical specimen. I spit at such an idea. I would rather starve then condemn myself to such misery. As I passed the door to Apollon's room I forcefully slid the five-ruble note under the door crack with no intention of bringing up the matter up in the morning.

It was nearing 2:30am and I lay in bed without a single inclination to fall asleep. My head was still spinning from tonight's incidents and I had been fighting a stubborn headache for nearly an hour. Although it was dark, I could see that the snow was beginning to let up thru the window on the opposite side of the room. As the time passed I pondered more and more about why Liza had come tonight. Did she really think I could save her from her justified suffering? That I would actually rescue her from the cellar and live a peaceful married life outside of the city as the characters in fictional novels do? She is a fool to think such absurd thoughts. Another twenty minutes went by when I surprisingly asked myself the question if it was possible for Liza and I to have engaged in a successful relationship. Merely seconds later I boiled inside and cursed at myself for wasting my time with such lucrative thoughts. To answer my question, it could never be! There would be endless arguments that would manifest out of the idea of her being my savior and me feeling worthless. Arguments that she would never even be able to construct a theory of what caused my heated outburst. My conscious alone would mock every attempt to pull myself out of eternal solitary confinement in the underground. Inferiority and spite would stare me down every time I would glance in the mirror. My reflection would cast an image of an infantile, the qualities that define a man would be stripped and I would be left to stare at a helpless child. To condemn myself to such ridicule would be an act of insanity that God himself could not forgive. Each day my personal agony would justify the fact that the Ice Palace is nothing more than a fairy tale to put the children to bed at night. There would be no long-lived days basking in the sun, hand in hand with my savior. Our days would consist of hatred towards one another and every minute one of us would be on the brink of murder. It was nearing 5am when my heavy eyes could no longer struggle to lift the laws of nature and I fell fast asleep.

The underground man will undergo an unforeseen change in the course of that night. His dream takes place at a quiet cottage on a lake in N Providence many years later. The visions of Liza leave him desperate and ashamed. His lost opportunity at love dismantles his values and ideologies of life causing him much despair. For the first time the underground man will experience life as he has observed in the lives of others over the last twenty years.

When I awoke the next morning I had completely forgotten about the past nights argument with Liza. I decided it would be better for her to stay here at the cottage for the next two weeks while I attended my civil duties in Moscow. She would surely enjoy her days spent by the lake much more then traveling with me in the carriage. I admit it was out of selfishness that I wanted her to go, but being away from her always puts me in depressing moods. Nonetheless, I kept telling myself that I would only be gone two weeks and then I would return to join Liza relaxing in the sun by the lake. She always looks so pretty in the mid day sun and year after year she looks forward to our summers at the lake.

After spending two weeks in Moscow, I was very eager to get home to my Liza. I peered out the carriage window at the tender sky that did not posses a single cloud. The sun had just finished setting and every star seemed to shine brighter than the next. The full moon lingered in my thoughts and my mind kept circling around a peculiar sensation. It was a sensation that I knew I had felt before, but I was unable to recollect the memory pertaining to such a sensation. For a few moments I went into a paralyzing daze focusing on the odd sensation creeping through my conscious. After being roused by a bump in the road I was pleased to hear the coachman shout "only two more miles to go!" When we arrived at the cottage Liza had heard the horses approaching and was standing on the front porch anxiously waiting for my arrival. As the carriage came to a halt, I lowered myself out and wiped my tired eyes only to see my beautiful Liza presenting me with a kiss. We exchanged hugs and proceeded into the house where Liza had tea and biscuits ready to serve.

We spent the evening in the drawing room where I indulged in the revisions of legal documents. The documents contained information about the city's new sanitation committee that was in the process of being put into effect. A week remained before the documents had to be sent to my supervisor but I wanted to free my mind of the burden and retreat to the lake. The need for the committee is great and the city will benefit as a whole once it gets up and running. Liza sat to the left of me on the burgundy coach carefully examining a Latin grammar book that she had purchased from a young peasant girl hunting for a few kopecks at the market. Although Liza did not typically make unintended purchases, she explained that she bought the book to keep her mind occupied in my absence. An hour or so passed when my mind became plagued by that peculiar sensation from back in the carriage. While trying to stay focused on my revisions, I caught myself staring out the adjacent window at the full moon that filled the warm summer sky. I tried once more to shake the unwelcome feeling but my attempted ignorance only increased my curiosity. As my eyes drifted out the window I recalled that the sensation had been awakened each time I glanced at the full moon. The connection between the sensation and the moon was still unknown when a dry spell came over my mouth and I was forced to seek a cold drink. I went to the kitchen for a glass of water when I noticed the water pitcher was empty. I observed the empty teacups and remembered that Liza had used the last of the water to make the tea. If I were to have a cold drink I would have to walk down to the well and fill the pitcher.

The well was only fifty meters or so from the cottage and I didn't need a candle because the path was lit by the night's clear sky. As I hurried down the path I couldn't help but notice the beauty of the apple orchard's canopy glowing with life. The peacefulness of the trees reminded me of past memories of Liza gazing into the sunset without a worry in the world disrupting her harmony. I reached the well and pitched the bucket down the dark narrow hole. The splash signaled me to lift the bucket and I was soon thrusting my hands into the water to satisfy my thirst. A cold breeze chilled my still dripping face as I embraced the gust with a deep breath. The brief pleasure painted a portrait of the successful relationship that Liza and I had created and brought much joy to an old man. I started up the path with my eyes still fixed on the sky. I kept thinking about Liza and how our relationship rescued us from ourselves. Without warning I stepped in a groundhogs hole that sent me crashing to the ground. The left side of my body landed in an open patch of mud and I banged my head on the stump of a recently cut tree. The sharp pain forced me to lay belly up staring at the sky. A hazy vision cast over my eyes and the moon slowly began to focus from two to one. Suddenly, the moon became whole and my curiosity was provided the answer to the sensation. The last time I had felt the sensation was the night of my uprising. It was the night that Liza had stormed out of my apartment with fury in her eyes but still managed to liberate a downtrodden man in the streets. I was that man! With her self-esteem kicked to the gutter and her fears more real than ever, she had stopped after walking a block in the unforgiving snow to return to a man not worthy of her presence. I deserved to be buried alive as I bowed down, both fists in the air, as I cursed at the full moon not brandishing a single shadow of darkness for me to hide in the underground. Liza's soft touch released my well-preserved irrationalities of life. My pessimistic values crumbled like a wall that's bottom stones were being pulled by one hundred horses. My face no longer seemed unappealing and I even felt lucky to be able to display a real smile. My once rational views about society and the individuals who participate in making advances in it appeared extreme. I felt as if I was collapsing from the inside out only to realize that in order for change to occur, a revolution would have to abolish the ideologies that I let govern my life. It meant letting go of my instincts that evolved from twenty years of observation and taking a chance without troubling myself with the risks. It was the first time I disabled my guard and hoped to blend in with my coworkers.

The blood from the laceration on the side of my head had begun to let up as I pressed the now red handkerchief firmly against my skull. I had propped myself up on the same stump that almost crippled this old man. While trying to regain my strength I sat and thanked God for giving Liza and I a chance at Love. If Liza had not come back that stormy night when my foolish temper forced her away, then I would have never experienced life. I would have never been able to wake up in the morning and smile, truly smile, because I was given the greatest gift of all, love. I had wasted so many years in the underground and if it were not for a loving relationship, I would have died a pathetic man who never experienced a meaningful breath of life. However, I must provide my former self with some credit. If it were not for my cynical reasoning to Liza's appearance at my apartment, Liza would not have resurrected the strength to survive. She would have returned to the cellar to drink away her misery, hoping to bury her voice with society's fallacies. If it were not for my insults, she would have never stood up for herself and would have been carried out of the cellar in a pine box just like all the rest. I brought myself to my feet and brushed the partially dry mud off my trousers. I took another glance at the apple orchard and ascended up the path with a smile. Upon my entry to the house my bloody appearance startled Liza, but I rushed to the coach and gave her kiss. I whispered "thank you" in her ear and smiled a real smile.

I awoke abruptly and found myself shaken and in a cold sweat. The frosty winters chill had taken a hold of my body and I lay in bed trembling. I peered out the window and noticed that the sky was still dark. Strangely the moon was no longer full. In fact, it appeared to be the exact opposite. Could I have slept the entire day? I got up and walked to the window. I observed the snow had stopped but that two feet must have fallen in my slumber. I slightly stretched my arms and began to play back the incidents of last night in my mind. I walked into the dining room where I found the crumpled five-ruble note lying on the table. Next to the note was a letter addressed to me. I will not waste your time with the contents of the letter, but lets be precise and state that Apollon had decided to seek another employer. I sighed for a second then…Ahhh! What? The feeling of regret took me by surprise and I was shocked that for a split second I had cared about Apollon's departure. At that moment I sat back while the contents of last nights dream replayed in my head. For the next couple of minutes the only thing that passed through my tangled mind was the feeling of regret. How could I have said such harsh words to the innocent Liza? Why did I let my insecurities obscure my eyes from my only chance at happiness? My chin sank to my chest and tears began to roll down my cheeks. I thought about the last twenty years and how I guarded myself from the truth about reality. I realized that the two extremes, utopia and hell, did not completely define everyday life. Instead, I understood that life could be pleasant if I forgot about my observations and started to live. Suddenly an image of Liza running away flashed before my eyes. Without wasting a second I darted into my bedroom to get dressed. I knew I must explain myself to Liza before she was gone forever. I seized my overcoat and ran down the stairs and burst into the street. The snow was still fresh making it difficult to keep a fast pace. As I trudged through the snow my mind was occupied by the constant thought of Liza running out of my apartment in tears. How could I have said such things? Why did she not come back for an explanation? I suddenly stopped as if a brick wall had been placed in front of me. I dropped to my knees and stared at the moon. It was no longer full. Once again there were dark shadows for me to lurk in the underground. Only now I no longer wished for them. I realized that there was no hope for a relationship with Liza. I remembered that last night she did not turn around after storming out of my apartment. She had abandoned the idea of me being her savior and erased my opportunity to be happy. My entire body felt numb as I closed my eyes and wished that when I opened them I would be relaxing by the lake with Liza, my savior. When I opened my eyes I could only see darkness. I had to face the harsh reality that the few people I had in my life had vanished. No Liza, no Apollon, no friends. I had wasted my last opportunity and so I returned to the underground.