The Bug, The Bee and The Gardener.
Neville relinquished the barby to Luke and cracked open a nice cold tinny. He sighed as the lager flooded his parched throat and threw himself down on the matting next to his wife.
"What are you reading babe?"
"Hmm? Oh, it's a programming journal. There's this article about alternative power sources for laptops, people have been trying everything from solar power to potatoes and nothing's remotely useful. I was just thinking, I reckon we could have a good bash at getting one to run off magic."
"Why?"
"What do you mean, why?"
"Well, what's the point? You couldn't tell muggles about it, it would be a pretty useless discovery."
Beulah smacked Neville on the head with the journal.
"You're a fungus sometimes, you know that Nev? Told you, you spend too much time with those plants, you're turning into one. I wasn't on about doing it for the muggles, I was on about doing it for the ... you know there needs to be an equally offensive epithet for magical folk, if you're going to call us all muggles then we should get to call you something back."
"It's not meant to be offensive. In 1423 a wizarding convention was going on in a remote pub in Suffolk. It was supposed to be warded but the publican forgot about his dog. When he let his dog out for a crap, around midnight, the wards came down but they were all too drunk to notice. Anyway, about half an hour later, they were levitating tables and had transfigured their tankards to look like they had human faces and the faces were singing and in walks this muggle who'd been looking for his son. The son had gone to market and not come back. The bloke's name was William Muggle and ever since, the non-magical have been called muggles. Why would wizards need laptops?"
A shadow overcast them and both Longbottoms turned to see who was blocking their sun.
"It's nice to see that it wasn't just Miss. Granger who listened to Professor Binns. He will be most gratified to hear of your retained knowledge."
"Professor Dumbledore! It's kind of unbelievable to see you here Sir, but I suppose everyone needs a holiday. I – uh – I'm afraid Hermione probably was the only one who listened, I got that bit from her, you see. Would you like a tinny Sir?"
"Tinny?"
Neville held up a can of lager.
"Like Butterbeer, but not as sweet."
"And a darn sight more alcoholic. Nev, are you going to introduce me or what?"
"Sorry love, um, this is my old Headmaster Professor Albus Dumbledore. Professor Dumbledore, this is my wife Beulah, most people call her 'Bug' though."
"I pleasure to meet you Beulah. Do you study insects?"
"Insects? Oh, I see. No Mr Dumbledore. I'm a computer programmer. I'm more on the side of the de-buggers now, but I used to be a hacker and hackers have nicknames to protect their identities, mine was Bug."
Dumbledore just looked confused. Neville thought it only fair to step in.
"Do you know what computers are Sir?"
"No Neville, I am afraid that I didn't understand a word that your good wife just said. I have heard of computers, a muggle thing, are they not? Something to store information in, like a filing cabinet?"
Bug tried to explain her subject in wizard-friendly terminology, "Not exactly. Its best explained as a muggle kind of magic. There are too many things that need to be explained to tell how they work. Basically, it's most useful function is like a dictation quill, a quick way of storing information without having to write – you can type or talk to it, if you have the right programs. Programs are like spells. One person creates them to fulfil a function and purpose and creates a way to transfer that power to other computers. I create those programs. Hacking is like breaking through wards and curses. You break through the security of another person's system without permission and preferably without being detected. Bug is a computer term; it's like calling someone who is good at Charms 'Charmer'"
"Ah. Why are you not called Bugger then?"
Bug cracked up laughing and tried to drown it with more beer. She raised her eyebrows at her husband, effectively passing the buck and popped a tinny for his old teacher; they all looked like they were going to need it. Neville sighed.
"Because in the muggle world, a bugger is a homosexual man who takes the dominant position in bed. It's rather a rude word."
"Ah, my apologies then, Bug. I did not intend to be insulting."
"No worries mate. I've been married to a wizard for five years, you kinda get used to explaining weird things and having other weird things explained back to you. I guess you could say I'm something of an expert on how to explain muggle stuff to wizards. A muggle that talks wizard. I wonder if there's a job in that that pays better than S.E.A (Software Engineering Australia)"
Albus sat up a little straighter and swigged his beer. Hmm, bitter but rather refreshing in the current climate. He contemplated the young lady before him. His quest seemed to keep leading him to the right people, someday soon someone was going to say no or hinder his progress, but so far his dream team kept throwing up perfect opportunities for him. Pursuing Reuben found him Severus and Severus offered up Draco, Remus brought Talia with him and now here was Mrs Longbottom. She was a round faced highly tanned young woman with a wide plump smile and huge indigo eyes. She was rounded in the way women used to be, not overweight in way, just womanly. She had multi-toned hair, looking somewhat like a tortoiseshell cat, that hung just past her chin. She looked fairly athletic; he assumed the large coloured boards stuck in the sand must have something to do with that, people in the sea were riding on them, like water-bound broomsticks.
"Would you be interested in such a position, if one was available or are you merely articulating your displeasure with your job?"
Bug cast a questioning look at her husband, who just shrugged in response. He had no idea what the old man was up to.
"I'd be interested, yes. I was articulating how peed off I am with work, it's not really what I'm best at, but if there was scope to work as a muggle in the wizarding world then I'd have a fair crack at it, so long as it involved computers. I was just telling Nev about this idea to get computers to run on magic, if it could be accomplished then that could be something worth pursuing."
"How about teaching? You said that you were good at explaining the muggle world to wizards. I need someone with exactly that ability to teach Muggle Studies at Hogwarts. I already have a wizard born Professor on board; having a Muggle born one would seem to be the perfect balance. I did come here to ask Neville to return and teach Herbology, perhaps offering you a position will make it all the more tempting."
Neville sat up straight, gulped and took a large swig of beer. Hogwarts? Teaching? Herbology? Bloody Hell.
"Headmaster, I am happy in my job, but then I'm happy anywhere there're plants to look after. Bug's been unhappy for a while. Bug, if you want to go for this, then I'll go with it. Hogwarts is a cool place and I'd be happy there. No pressure, but it's your decision babe."
"No pressure huh?" she turned back to Dumbledore, "there's another Professor? I wouldn't be on my own doing this? Cause, I know my stuff like, but I don't know Hogwarts, so I'd be all at sea so to speak."
"A Head of Muggle Studies has already been appointed. Perhaps you know him, Ronald Weasley?"
"Ron? Ron's going to be there? Blimey Nev, this could be a right laugh."
"Mrs. Longbottom, teaching is a serious business, I would hope..."
"Don't worry Professor; I'm not planning on behaving like a kid. I'm an Aussie, we look at the world through rose tinted specs, we look for the fun. There's not much point in doing something if it reeks of roo dung, now is there? Ron and I could work well together, we can both separate work and play, we can both find the fun in a topic. Two sides of the same coin, which is what I think you're looking for, right? I mean, you don't look like the kind of fellow that takes life entirely seriously. If you were, you wouldn't have come down here dressed like that."
Bug gestured to the Headmaster's current attire. Following the underwear debacle that was Mexico, he had sought out suitable clothing. The suitable clothing currently consisted of a short sleeved neon green shirt covered in red kangaroos, orange knee length shorts, yellow flip-flops and a giant Chinese willow hat. Mostly though, it was the fact that his beard was strung with corks that informed Bug's current opinion of his "seriousness" or lack thereof.
"I need to give notice, but if you want me, us, then you've got us. Will two weeks do you?"
"I was actually hoping that you might be available by the 22nd."
"Of this month?"
"Indeed."
"But that's four days away. I have to give two weeks notice. Nev has to give notice too. We can't just up and leave."
"I can intervene on Neville's behalf. His employer owes me a favour and I am sure that the greenhouses will not suffer. I am afraid I have no power over muggle companies, but it strikes me that your company holds all the information about your employment in these computers, is that correct?"
Her eyes narrowed suspiciously. She had the overwhelming sensation that he hadn't actually needed her explanation of computers, "Yeah."
"Well, perhaps you could Bug them a little. It is possible, in the wizarding world, to file a parchment at the Ministry to appear as though it was filed two weeks earlier than it was. Now, I am not admitting to having experimented, but I assure you that if one has the...shall we say expertise, then a little manipulation of the records is not too difficult to get away with. Perhaps I misunderstood your definition of Hacking."
"No no, you understood all right. Damn, you're good. Do you play chess?"
Dumbledore chuckled, "That I do young lady, that I do. Do I take it that this problem can be solved?"
"Yeah, it's solvable."
"Wonderful. Then I shall expect you both on the 22nd. Perhaps we can play a game of chess Mrs. Longbottom."
It was Neville's turn to chuckle.
"Sir, she can beat every chess computer program that has ever been written. If you can beat the computer, then she might play you."
Dumbledore sat back in the sun lounger and took the sanger offered by one of the Longbottom's friends. Six sangers and eight tinnys later, the Longbottoms found that they had a house guest for the night and Neville replaced Sir with Albus in his vocabulary. Ron would never believe him if he told him about getting pissed as a fart with their old Headmaster, Albus Dumbledore was not supposed to sing rude drinking songs, but he did and after finding Bug's elbow in his ribs one time too many, Neville joined in.