Title: a song for sorrow
Author: me!
Disclaimer: I don't own…I own NOTHING! Not even emotion cuz I rent that.
"Take your AZT." I said, pausing by the door. Roger didn't even look up
"Hn." He muttered playing the beginning chords of Musetta's Waltz for what seemed like the thousandth time.
Not many people know Roger like I do; if they did they'd see that he doesn't just play that song because he likes it. It is the one song he can lose himself in, for some reason. Now he plays it almost constantly. He had become so lost after Mimi died, almost worse than he had been with April. Roger had always been sort of detached, but after Mimi no one, not even me, could get to him. I worry about him, we all do but he won't open up to any of us, even Collins. Not that Collins is around much, Collins is getting sicker and sicker; it all went downhill after Angel…for everyone.
I took one last look at Roger before heading out the door. I rode my bike over to buzz line studios and forced myself though another day of meaningless filming. Contrary to what Alexi had told me when he first taken the job at buzz line, it was purely a tabloid show, and after a few months of the never ending coverage of this or that rumor I was getting sick of it. At least it was a job, I needed the money. I needed to take care of Roger. That night I trudged up the stairs to the loft and tossed my keys on the table. It was dark inside, which was strange since roger didn't leave the loft anymore. I looked around, starting to worry because I didn't see Roger, but then I heard it; the song that had become so familiar. But it was different, it was halting and full of wrong notes, and then it stopped altogether and there was a small strangled cry. I ran to the bedroom to find Roger huddled in the corner sobbing and clutching his guitar. All around him was a circle or destruction, crushed plates and cups bits of what looked like sheet music and torn clothing.
"I can't find it, Mark. It's gone." Roger sobbed rocking back and forth, tears sliding down his face. I knelt beside him and tried to touch his arm, but he let out a small whimper and backed away from me.
"What's wrong Roger? What can't you find?" I wisped
"My song. If I don't find it she'll go away, Mark I have to find it. Don't leave Mark; I'm sorry, I'll find it. Don't leave me alone, please." he cried he was starting to claw at his cloths and face. I grabbed his hands in one of mine and wrapped my other arm around his shoulders.
"Shhh, shhh, Roger, I'm not going anywhere I promise. I'm not going to leave. It's okay." I whispered rubbing his back and rocking him as he cried into my shoulder.
"No, no get off, have to find It." roger said pushing my arms away and running over to his guitar, Picking it up and strumming his had across the strings. He stared at the instrument in his arms and tried once again to play it but all he managed was a sound that sounded anything but musical. "No, no, no, no. come back, come back. Please don't leave me." He screeched. He started to hit his head against the guitar. I rushed over and tried to pull it from his arms but he pushed me away again, this time hard enough to knock me down.
"You don't want me to find it…you want her to go away." He growled, he had the most crazed and violent look in his eyes, he started to come toward me his hands raised as if to strike.
"Roger you have to calm down, Mimi's gone you know that. Please calm down."
"You liar! Stop lying to me, you just don't want her to come back" he stepped forward and took a swing at me but missed and hit the wall instead. I got up and ran down the stairs and across the street faster than I would have thought possible. I went to the pay phone and called Maureen. "Maureen you have to help me, it's roger. He's hysterical; we have to get him to a hospital."
My eyes burned from lack of sleep and my back was stiff from sitting for hours in the uncomfortable seats in the hospital waiting room. I was worried sick no one would tell us anything, we had finally gotten roger to the hospital and he was rushed away to some other location.
I must have dosed off because next thing I knew I felt a hand on my shoulder and I opened my eyes to find a tired-looking nurse in front of me. "Mr. Davis is stable now, we have him sedated. He will have to stay here until he can be proven safe to himself and others. You should go home, there's nothing you can do right now." She said with a small sad smile.
"Thank you." I said automatically, she gave me one last smile before going back to the nurse's station. I stared unfocusedly at the ground how could I have not seen this coming. I'm supposed to take care of him and I didn't even notice that he needed my help, I should have been there for him, but instead I let him get like this. I have to do better; I will always be there to take care of him. I will see him through this, because if I didn't I couldn't survive it either. That's what I do, I take care of Roger.