Dear Jo-nen
Hi. You don't know me, but I know you. You live at –INFORMATION DELETED FOR CONFIDENTIALITY- and there's a small crack at the bottom of your front door. (I'm sorry about that, by the way. I was just trying to open the door, and then my foot slipped and kicked the corner instead of the lock.)
See, I've been following you around for awhile. I can't help it. You're just so fascinating. And hot. I kept trying to talk to you, but you always managed to get away. (I'm sorry about that time in the library, too. I swear I didn't mean to dislocate your shoulder. But you wouldn't stop trying to escape. It's your own fault, you know.)
By the way, the hem on your trench coat was getting a little frayed. I fixed it for you last night. Hope you don't mind.
And please stop changing the locks. It's a bitch to keep stealing your keys, too. It's like you don't like me or something.
Anyway, I just thought I'd leave a note by your desk before I headed out. Oh, I left some ramen, too. You didn't have much food around. I know you focus really hard on your work, but it's good to eat. Sometimes.
See you soon,
Your Biggest Fan
(Queen Lilith the Strange)