The X-tra Men
Info: The X-tra Men are just three teenagers at the mutant school that try to take matters into their own hands. Grenier: Odd and yet full of wisdom. Cold Blood: Bipolar and only real original mutant in this story. Gothical 10lb. of creepy in a 5lb. bucket of cool. This may very well be the only story I post here so if you don't like it, then be glad. Please review.
Characters:
Bane Grenier (pronounced gren-year): Werewolf appearance, similar powers to Wolverine except a) his claws are not retractable b) extreme allergy to silver c) can only heal during full moon d) it's tough to give him an open wound e) he's not Wolverine f) can use teeth as weapons g) um…he harrier (I think that's how you spell it) g) he has the powers of a Werewolf (duh). Named after the most famous Werewolf (some French guy, see France went through an event similar to the Salem witch trial cause they was high on moldy ryerhyme or some other nonsensical nonsense that makes no sense)
Cold Blood (that's sad if you can't pronounce that): Can raise and lower body temperature to extreme degrees with out killing his awesome self. The leader of the X-tra Men, because two people are better than one. Where a field jacket specially designed to help not destroy the Earth when he changes temperature. Actual name is Kieran.
Gothical The ultimate greasy haired, creepy goth person (as the hip youngsters spell it) eva. Powers: anything creepy. Actual name is probably disturbing.
-Street Corner-
-Grenier and Gothical
"Wanna hear something depressing" asked Gothical
"That's all you talk about man, I'll probably commit suicide if you tell me this," came the sarcastic answer
"Cool"
"chuckles at that bit of morbid humor All right let's hear it"
"Every 5 seconds there is a car crash in America"
"Impossibible purposely spelled," said the skeptical wolf man "prove it,"
"'K…1…2…3…4…5…car screeching, generic sound of car crash and post-chaos see, told ya" he said in a colorless voice
"Do it again, Do it again" chants Bane
When suddenly…
"Hey guys," said Cold Blood "how's it going,"
commercial starts on the televisions on display behind them
"Oh," says Bane
Got dry eyes? There's a Visine for that…
"it's you"
…Contacts bothering you? There's a Visine for that…
"I suppose you're here to tell us we are doing something wrong"
…Pregnant? There's a Visine for that…
"No" said Cold Blood
"Did you have your first period?" asked Gothical the Werewolf and…it, exchange high fives
Channel changes to news…
Santa Claus is put on trial for peeping at young girls
"No!" Cold Blood is close to tears "I got my new cosmopolitan guys"
…this is Chris Cringle's fifth charge this month, more on that later more importantly, Ohio passes law allowing L33t to be a second language taught at schools
"Sorry, I don't need ten new ways to please my man" said Bane
Channel changes…now back to All my Barbie's
"Guys, come on this is so lame" whines Cold Blood "this issue is different"
"Ken, I'm breaking up with you" "But, I've recovered from amnesia, what's wrong?"
"I'm…I'm…" "What? Please tell me" "this one is about Mutants and everyone's opinion about them" "I'M A LESBIAN!"
"Everyone hates us we already know that" said Gothical Grimly
"HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME BARBIE? ALL THOSE YEARS, IT WAS ALL A LIE!"
"Not everyone, in fact 30 of America thinks we should be treated equally"
"YOU KNOW WHAT? I DON"T CARE! IT DOESN'T MATTER THAT HELPED YOU LOSE YOUR VIRGINTY OR THAT I LOVED YOU!" "OH YEAH LIKE YOU MADE ME LOSE MY VIRGINTY NO THAT WAS BEAST! YEAH! BELL'S EXBOYFRIEND! HE'S A REAL MAN!
"Dude 30 of America isn't going to pass the vote" said Bane
Channel changes…
"besides, why aren't there any marches or protests?"
"Today in the news, startling new evidence reveals Black people are the ultimate race, but since I'm a white racist I don't care, instead we'll talk about Weird Al Yankovic who has appeared to have gone missing' "He's got a point," says Gothical "I mean those bastards are probably saying that just so they can believe they're being noble, when in real life they just don't give a damn""Also, a study reveals video games don't actually influence kids to be stupid, nope scientist are once again blaming parents, hell, is it the parents fault that the kid is fat too?"Scientist enter "Actually…" channel changes to Oprah
"You guys are pessimistic" points out Cold Blood
"Today on my show we have the fattest man in America…everyone…uh…this guy" fat guy enters "Hello" "Now…whoever you are would you care to explain just how fat you are?" "Christ! I'm so fat I have to apply deodorant under my fat rolls so they don't start stinkin' up the room I'm in" complete and absolute shocked and disgusted silence
"Pessimism is the ultimate outlook on life" says Gothical
"Umm…well…I have good news for you" says Oprah trying to regain her composure and smile "I am personally going to fund a liposuction for you so that no one else can ever hear that again"
"Yeah, how?" asks the ever ignorant Cold Blood
"Say, Oprah" says the unknown fat man "what do they do with all the fat they suck out of people after surgery?"
"This is how you ignoramus!" says Gothical forcefully. He does not tolerate ignorance; he believes it should be punishable by law. "if one is pessimistic, everything works out. For instance, if I say 'It will rain today' even if it's only a 60 chance of rain and I'm right then I shall the pleasure of being right. If however, I am wrong and it is sunny, I am glad so because then that means more people will be outside to be my victims. A pessimistic philosophy humbles me by making me glad to be wrong,"
several red dots appear on several points on Oprah's body "I-I am not at-at liberty t-to discuss that information, in fact I don't know a thing" "Say, that's nifty, your clothes and the middle of your forehead light up" "Shut up fat man"
"Yeah, next thing you'll lecture me about is how common sense doesn't exist" says Cold Blood rolling his eyes
Channel changes…
"It doesn't ye daft fool!" says Gothical in the same tone
Commercial starts with a deep voiced narrator that you often hear during media involving love…you know what I'm talking about
"WTF!" cries the ignoramus
"Do you and your wife love each other so much you share everything?"
"Please, define the word" commands the anti-ignoramus
"Your bed? Your house? Your dinner? Even your T.V.?
"Sense that is common to all people" replies CB
"Ohhh yeah, then do we have the thing for you two…"
"Do you believe that each and every human is unique?" asks G
"The Looooooove Toilet…"
"'course" he replies
"Now you and your looooooved one can go to the bathroom together, yeeeeaaah baby"
"Then common sense can not exist. If each and every human is unique as you believe, then a universal truth about humans such as common sense is impossibility"
"Made of solid gold mixed with an alloy, and equipped with aphrodisiac fragrance, make every trip to the toilet a trip to remember"
"Is time an illusion?" asks Cold Blood sarcastically
in a completely different voice that spoke quickly "Side effects are generally mild and cause more than they cure such as divorce, pregnancy, the bird flu, your mom, and urge to listen to Britney Spears, fortunately there's a Visine for all of that.
"I am no even going to dignify that with a dignified response full of my wisdom"
"You know what? I don't care I'm running away" cries Cold Blood
"Cool" says Bane who hadn't said anything in awhile and wanted to throw in his two pence.
-At my house-
"Dude, this is the stupidest thing you've come up with since that rip-off of Sealab 2021 you made Blazing Fool post" says a not-so-supportive-friend-who-is-so-blunt-that-he-points-out-my-every-fault-and-is-so-blinded-by-his-own-arrogance-to-realize-his-own-faults-and-damn-this-is-long,
"Hey, I reincarnated into a monkey so I could type this! Don't give me this crap!" says my own low self-esteemed self
"You know what? I'm taking this to Jerry Springer" says my "friend"
"Fine, go!" I cry
"I'm gone!" he cries
"Go" I cry
"Well, I am!" he cries
"GO!" I cry
"I'm gone!" he cries
"GO!" I cry
"I'm gone! DAMIEN!" he cries and he leaves.
END