Mistakes

Head down on the kitchen table, Meredith hides her face which shows her low self-esteem. Izzie stayed a little longer at the hospital to keep Danny company. Since she is home alone, Meredith feels utterly alone. Izzie has a boyfriend, Christina has Burke, George has Kathy and still wont talk to Meredith... She feels like such a...a. whore. What was she thinking, why am I always making these stupid mistakes?

"I am a whore..." She says to herself, her voice muffled, seeing as her heads on the counter top, resting on her arm. She lifts her head up. Her eyes are red and puffy from crying and she has black rings under her eyes from the lack of sleep. She hates herself. I don't deserve to look at them. She's thinking about both George and Derek. She's thinking about what brought her to this? What made her this way, make her feel like she has to be comforted by sex. Why can't she control it? I mean, Derek was great to have, She misses the closeness, the way he'd comfort her, all he had to do was look at her with the crooked smile of his and she felt better. And George. All he was trying to do was tell her he loved her and look what she did. She feel like she is a huge slut in his eyes, the whole hospital probably thinks so. She wishes she could go back in time and fix all her stupid mistakes...but she can't, she has to sit here and do nothing. She's tried to fix things with George, but he just wont listen. She's fixed this with Derek, not that there was anything wrong, it was his fault. He was the one who messed that up. Meredith just feels like there is something else she can be doing.

Meredith wipes the stray tears from her eyes. It seems like I am constantly crying...make it stop. There is nothing else Meredith can do. She walks over the frig and opens it to grab herself a beer. She takes a big swig of it and sits on the counter. Meredith doesn't want to just sit back and let all her bad mistakes go. Sometimes she wished she chose a different profession. Only thing is, she loves the playing field. She hasn't been in a surgery for a few days though. She's afraid to go into one, she doesn't feel focused, her mind is elsewhere. Like today, when she was crying into Derek's chest. She wanted so badly to Help poor Elizabeth, but then she suddenly felt selfish because she was crying over her own problems when other people and patients at the hospital had bigger, even worse problems then she did.

The clinging of Keys to counter top could be heard,

"Long day?" Izzie asks going into the frig to pull out some chocolate cupcakes, a beer for herself and another for Meredith seeing as she was almost done with her first..

"It doesn't even begin to describe it." Meredith replies taking a cupcake off the plate that was offered to her.

"How's your friendship with McDreamy going?" Izzie asks through a mouthful of chocolate.

"Same..." Meredith finishes her last gulp of her beer and opens another. Meredith rather not talk about it.

"Are you okay? You haven't picked up any guys at Joe's lately." Meredith gets very angry.

"Life's not all about sex Izzie!" Meredith slams her beer down, pushes a chair out of the way, almost knocking it over on her way out the door. She runs up the stairs to her room, pounding her feet all they way and then slamming her door. Izzie looks down at the floor, wishing she hadn't said that.

Meredith thumps herself onto her bed and buries her head in her pillow.

"I'm a whore..."

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The alarm clock can be heard but Meredith chooses to ignore it. She doesn't feel like going in today. She doesn't want to have to face Addison's weird niceness towards her, she doesn't feel like she deserves it. Meredith doesn't want to face the awkward silence of George when she's near him, or walk with Derek this morning. She doesn't want to have to explain the reason for her being in this lament mood.

"Meredith!" what's she doing up this early? Meredith asks herself. Meredith usually sets her alarm earlier so she can meet Derek for their walk, so Izzie is never up when she leaves. Meredith doesn't answer her.

"Meredith! Your friend is at the door." Meredith's head pops up from it's position in her pillow. He's here? She can't help but feel a little excited...She doesn't remember hearing the doorbell. Meredith quickly gets dressed and heads down stairs. Before she gets all the way down McDreamy meets her at the bottom.

"What are you doing here?"

"What? I can't come and get you?"

"...no...I was coming." Meredith says sifting her hair with her hands.

"Nah, thought you could use a brake from driving." Meredith smiles at his generosity,

"Can you hold on a sec? I need to brush my teeth and hair and all the stuff." Meredith asks him starting up the stairs slowly while looking at him.

"Sure I'll be in the kitchen." He replies giving her a smile and walking through the kitchen door. Izzie is leaning up against the counter sipping coffee from her pink coffee mug. "Sorry to wake you," Derek apologizes has he sits at the table to wait for Meredith.

"It's okay, I was awake anyway, thinking, you know..." She trails off.

"How's he doing?" Derek asks, indicating Danny.

"Better..."

"That's good to hear..." Derek knows she is falling for Danny.

"What are you two talking about?" Meredith walks into the kitchen her hair is hanging loosely at her shoulders.

"Nothing much." Derek replies smiling at her.

Meredith smiles over her shoulder has she walks over to the counter Izzie is leaning against and pours herself a coffee into her mug,

"Want some?" She asks Derek, gesturing with her own mug. Derek shakes his head,

"No thank you, ready to go?"

"Yep, I'll see you for Pre rounds." Meredith tells Izzie. Derek walks through the kitchen door first. When he passes Meredith he breezes in the sweet lavender sent of Meredith's hair.

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"Why though?" She asks him about why he's come to get her, The Clash playing on low volume in the background.

"No reason..." He replies keeping his eyes on the road.

"Yeah, I'm sure."

"Well...I'm seriously giving you a brake, because that's what friends do, and...I wanted to tell you something and couldn't wait."

"What's that?" She asks, looking at him with a smile.

"Addison knows we walk together in the mornings, and doesn't care."

"Okay..cool then."

"Well it's great to me, It means she trusts me." Derek turns up the volume of the CD player a little more.

"She shouldn't trust me..." Meredith whispers.

"What's that?" Derek asks, he couldn't hear her over the music.

"I said you mean us, you said me." He's quiet for a second...No, he said it right.

When Meredith gets out of the car, Doc runs up to her, all excited as if she was his mother and he spent the weekend at his dads. She bends down and gives him a hug, ruffling up his furry head. She doesn't notice the extra person standing a few feet away.

"Good morning Meredith." Addison greets from her place in the doorway of the trailer. Addison looks like she is still in her sleep wear, but her hair seems to be brushed through. She's holding a cup of coffee in her hand. Meredith looks up, her hair in her face.

"Hello...Addison." She replies, pushing her hair out of her face and tucking it behind her ears. She surprised at herself, she didn't call her Dr. Shepherd. Shepherd... Meredith hates that last name on her.

"Okay, we are going for a walk see you at work." Derek says, kissing his wife on the cheek absentmindedly. Luckily Meredith wasn't looking, but she knew what he did. Meredith starts walking but turns around,

"Bye." She says knowing it wouldn't be polite to just walk away. Addison waves, a smile plastered on her face, Meredith thinks it looks fake.

"How is Elizabeth?...Addison told me." Derek asks, he is walking with his hands in his pockets, thinking about the moment he had with Meredith in Elizabeth's room.

"She was still the same when I left the hospital last night..."

"Oh..."

"I hope she makes it, I've grown rather attached..." Meredith walks with her rams folded, thinking about Elizabeth's poor innocent figure lying in the hospital bed.

"Baby's can have that kind of affect on people."

"I didn't really need that comfort yesterday, I'll get over it." Meredith says, talking about the incident in Elizabeth's room.

Derek didn't say anything. They walked most of the way in silence. All thoughts of their closeness the day before lingering in the air. It may have just been a strong embrace, nothing more, but it meant a lot to them. They hadn't been that close and supportive for a long time, since before Addison; before all the horrible mistakes.

Meredith sighs. "I haven't been in a surgery for over two days."

"Why not? I know you've gotten offers." Derek asks, looking at her now.

"My mind has been elsewhere, I don't want to screw up during surgery." She looks down at her feet.

"Meredith..." Derek pauses for a moment, waiting for her to object. She doesn't so he continues. "Are we going to talk about this?"

"Talk about what Derek... Nothing happened." She's trying to keep her composer.

"...I know...but.."

"But what? Do you think there was some feeling there? Because I'm not going to lie..."Meredith stops in her tracks, looking him in the eye now.

"..." Derek doesn't know what to say.

"Yes Derek there are still feelings here between us that haven't gone away and probably wont, but what are you going to do? You chose her..." her voice weakens.

"I..."

"No Derek... you chose her, you can't just go and change your mind like that, I don't even know what to say to you anymore.." Meredith sits on a nearby rock, she's on a roll. All the things she's been wanting to say are all coming out now. Derek just looks at her.

"I'm trying to get over you..." Meredith look down at the dog who is now lying at her feet. "I don't know what to do anymore. I'm trying to make all this work with Addison because I feel like I owe it to her." Derek stops, but then I feel like I don't owe her anything because she was the one who turned her back, Derek thinks to himself. Meredith is still looking at the ground.

"What are you doing Derek?" She asks, indicating his feelings.

"I don't know..it's just, I see you at work, I have..these feelings, and then I go home to my wife, but all I think about is you...I can't help it, I can't lie about this anymore. We ended so fast I didn't have time to move on.

"You hurt me...you hurt me so much it left me wounded... I'm not going to lie." Meredith repeats herself, staring at him, her face flushing with pent up anger.

"I know I did and I want to fix that, but I feel like I have an obligation to my wife." Even that felt ridiculous coming out of his mouth. She thought so too.

"I want to know what you want, not what you think you need to do, but really want...I don't know what to do anymore." She can feel the lump forming in her throat and the tears welling up in her eyes..

"You know the answer." He says, looking at her, that crooked smile of his slowly forming on his face even though they are having a serious conversation.

Meredith says nothing, just fiddles with her fingers nervously like her mom does with her watch. Derek walks over to her, bending down in front of her. He takes both her hands in his and looks at her. Her heads is down again and he lifts her chin up with a finger. She looks at him, a single solitary tear traveling down her cheek, she feels like what's about to happened is a mistake. He wipes her tear away with is thumb. He leans in close to her, and his soft lips meet hers. She finally gives in and deepens the kiss. All the pent up desire and emotion for each other playing in there intense kiss. Meredith knows what she's doing, she knows that this time, it's not a mistake.

Chapter 3! Did you like it? Have any ideas for the 4th? I could use a little help please.Also, I know Meredith and Derek my sound a little out of character btu I think everyone would when it comes to a conversation like they were having.