Enough
Warm water flows from the shower head like a waterfall, pouring down on her as she sits curled up on the bottom of the tub. Her head is resting in one hand, elbows on her knees bent up into her emotionally drained body. She's remembering everything that went on that day. She remembers expressing herself, letting everything out and Derek then telling her how he felt and then he kissed her. She was thinking that it wasn't a mistake to give into him, that some how everything was going to be okay again. She was kidding herself. After the walk, the kiss, she left him on the path; running to her car that wasn't even there. He showed up at the trailer five minutes later to find her sitting on the ground, shaking with exposer. Addison must have left already because her car was no longer in the driveway.
"Just take me to work . . . " She remembers saying to him. So he did. He brought her to work, the car ride there in a completely awkward silence that fogged over them.
When they got to Seattle Grace Hospital, they went their separate ways. Meredith met up with the other interns for pre-rounds not saying anything the whole time. Christina could sense a mood and this time she decided not to question her, thinking she needed some time. Meredith got asked to scrub in on one of Burkes surgeries and she didn't decline. The surgery went well, she was happy just briefly for not screwing it up. She had made herself focus on the task at hand. She can't keep letting her personal life and problems get in the way of her internship, her career. After she got out of surgery, Derek stopped her in the hall and asked to speak with her. She made up an excuse about how she had to check up on Elizabeth seeing as Addison said she was now her responsibility. Meredith left him in the hall in bewilderment.
Meredith closes her eyes, pushing all thoughts of Derek and what happened that morning, how good it felt, out of her mind. Instead she thought about Elizabeth. The poor little eight month old is getting worse, she is deteriorating in front of her family's eyes and all Meredith can do is sit and watch. They have her on treatment but Meredith feels like it's not helping. Addison had walked into the room while Meredith was sitting by Elizabeth's side earlier that day and told her that she had to get worse before she could get better. Meredith wanted to believe her but it just seemed to real, to messed up and wrong to be true. Nothing actually gets better...it just goes away for a while, Meredith infers. She's partially right, but when someone is ill like the poor little girl, they either get better or... they don't. What Meredith is thinking about is emotionally draining problems, metaphorical wounds of her bleeding heart. Some things she feels can't be fixed like a broken bone or a scrape on a child's knee when they fall down on the hard concrete. Meredith wants to believe that everything will be better, that Elizabeth will be free of her deathly illness, and grow up to live her life as she should, and that Meredith can forgive Derek for not telling her about being married, that it will be enough.
But what really is enough? Enough, Pronoun: as much or as many as is necessary or desirable, Meredith defines in her head as she gets up off the floor of the shower.What is the exact definition she is looking for? There are so many ways in describing it. "You were like coming up for fresh air. It's like..I was drowning and you saved me..it's all I know..." Meredith remembers Derek saying this to her...and all she said was that it wasn't good enough. but really...what is enough?
Meredith pours her lavender scented shampoo into the palm of her hand and starts scrubbing vigorously, trying to scrub away all her worries. The smell of the shampoo calms her and she closes her eyes; taking a deep breath. She rinses her hair of soap and washes up before stepping out of the shower to dry off. Wiping the mirror of condensation, Meredith stares at herself, of what thinks she has become. There is a knock at the door,
"Meredith, I'm going out to the store, do you want anything?" Izzie asks through the door.
It's kind of late..."Um...no I'm all set." Meredith says as she stares at herself. She hears the quiet footsteps of her friend as she walks down the stairs, then the glass door closing. She is alone again in this empty house.
She finishes drying herself off and gets into her sleep wear. Meredith walks down the stairs and into the kitchen. She just stands there in the middle of the kitchen, unsure about what she is in there for. She looks in the frig, no more beer, Meredith mentally stops herself from drinking anymore tonight. Instead she grabs a carton of orange juice and pours herself a glass. Leaning against the counter sipping her juice, Meredith thinks of ways she can go about this "kiss" issue differently. She could pretend it never happened because what are the odds that McDreamy will sign the forgotten divorce papers? Of course she secretly wishes that he'll leave Addison or that Addison will just up and leave because she feels like she is no match for Meredith. But of course, it is all some fantasy Meredith knows will never come true, like the fairy tales she's always proving to be unrealistic.
Meredith walks out of the kitchen and into the livingroom. Instead of laying down on the sofa she lets herself fall onto the floor. She just lies there. Staring up at the ceiling, still holding the glass of orange juice. Meredith lies there for about ten minutes or so before she hears the footsteps of Izzie and the crinkling of grocery bags.
"What did you go out for at this hour?" Meredith asks as Izzie walks into the living room to find her friend on the floor.
"Baking supplies.." She replies lying on the floor a few feet away, her blonde hair spread out a crossed the floor.
"What's wrong?" Meredith can tell something's up.
"It's Denny..." Izzie starts taking a deep breath and letting it out with a slow sigh.
"You fell for him didn't you."
"Don't..okay? I rather not talk about it..." Izzie asks, her voice getting weaker with every word.
Meredith is taken aback, usually Izzie is the one who gets all touchy feelie. "Don't bake tonight, it's getting late anyway." Meredith says, placing her glass on the floor beside her, getting up. Meredith walks over to Izzie and lends out a hand. Izzie takes it and Meredith pulls her up. Meredith places a gentle reassuring hand on her friend's arm and then walks out of the room to go upstairs to her bed where she will stare up at the ceiling until she sleep dominates her.
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Meredith is standing in the doorway of Elizabeth's room, whose mother is sleeping with her head on the bed. She can tell she's been there all night.
"Mrs. Devoe?" Meredith whispers as she walks into the room. She puts a hand on the tired woman's shoulder, "Mrs. Devoe..." The women lifts up her head and looks at her daughter and then at Meredith.
"How is she?" She asks, placing her hand on her daughter's tiny one.
"I haven't checked her chart yet, Why don't you go down to the cafeteria and get yourself some coffee, I'll stay here with her." Meredith says helping Mrs. Devoe out of the chair. The groggy woman walks out of the room, leaving Meredith to check Elizabeth's chart. Apparently there wasn't any change so they put her on some stronger medication. Elizabeth is ghostly white, she has tubes sticking out of her right arm and one around her face under her nose. She shouldn't be going through this, she's just a baby.. Meredith sighs and takes a seat next to the innocent. She watches as her little stomach slowly rises and falls as she breaths slowly in and then slowly back out. Meredith notices the small smile that she has on her face, like she has some secret. Meredith finds herself smiling as well and she holds Elizabeth's hand, giving it a tiny squeeze. Elizabeth's finger twitches. Meredith Jumps a little and then looks at the girl again. Nothing... odd...
"I have faith in you..." Meredith whispers.
"She'll get better." It's Addison. Meredith just nods slightly, not taking her eyes of the little girl. Addison looks over the chart and then places it back at the end of the bed. "I brought you a coffee, I could tell you were tired." Addison hands Meredith the coffee. Meredith just looks into the cup at the tan liquid. "I actually had to ask Derek how you liked it..." Addison sounds a little sad.
"Mmm..." Meredith decides to take a sip, yep, just how she likes it. A sad look crosses her face and she looks down at Elizabeth again.
"I'm kidding myself...thinking I can repair this marriage..." Addison takes a seat in the far corner of the room. Meredith looks at her but doesn't respond. She doesn't really know what to say to that. "I thought if I came back everything would be okay again...but..."
"..." Silence on the other end.
"Karma.." A deep sigh comes from Addison as she gets up and leaves the room, not giving Meredith any orders for Elizabeth's health. Meredith stays where she is, thinking about what Addison had said. Karma...I just have a bit of bad karma...but when will it end?
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For some reason Meredith seemed to be at higher spirits as she sits down to eat her lunch with the group.
"My unconscious Meningitis patient twitched her finger." Meredith says taking a bite of food.
"I wonder why?" Izzie says sitting down next to Christina.
"I squeezed her hand..."
"Your getting attached." Christina warned stuffing a hot dog into her mouth.
"Oh so what!" Izzie blurts out and then suddenly goes quiet. Everyone looks at her and Christina shakes her head.
"At least she's not dating her patient," Alex retorts getting ready to sit with them.
"Leave!" Meredith and Christina shout in unison. Alex gives them a look and walks off.Christina wants to say that he proves a valid point but decides against it. Meredith looks around the table, noticing Georges absence.
"Hey, where's George?"
"Siting over there with that Kathy chick." Christina gestures to the far corner of the cafeteria with her other hot dog. "You jealous?" Meredith laughs but immediately stops when Derek walks by on his way to sit with Addison. He stops to smile at her but Meredith just puts her head down as if to fork something into her mouth.
"Oh." Christina and Izzie muse.
Meredith ignores them. She takes a peak at Derek as he leans in to kiss Addison on the cheek. To Meredith's surprise Addison dodges it. Derek seems a little uneasy but sits down. What was that about? Meredith asks herself.
Later after lunch Meredith is standing by the nurses station readying over some charts, she has just gotten back from checking up on Elizabeth who seems to be doing a little better. Meredith is very happy by this and it shows on her face.
"You seem happy." Derek says leaning on the counter, running a hand through is hair.
"One of my patients is doing better." Meredith states trying to look engrossed in the charts.
"Don't you think we should talk about this?" Derek looks at her pleadingly.
"About what?" She looks at him but then quickly away.
"I meant everything I said and did...that should be enough." Derek states, pulling Meredith's arm to face him.
"I..." Meredith starts.
"You know you can't ignore me forever."
Meredith's pager goes off, "I can for now." She leaves her charts and starts running in the direction of Elizabeth's room.
Okay, Sorry about the mix up about Danny and Denny, It is indeed Denny. Sorry for the mistake. Now, what do you think about this chapter? I kinda had a hard time because I didn't get many reviews on the last chapter...So I'm hoping I will now...so please review, much is appreciated.