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Chapter 12

"Natalie, you make me feel alive, I feel alive again when I'm with you, when I was gone I just worked and slept, I didn't feel or even live. The last time I remembered feeling alive was the last time we make love before you found out about Chris being alive. Last night, it was unbelievable, it was something I never experienced before, I mean we were great back then but last night I felt I could give myself to you completely something I could never do before because in my head you were always Chris' wife and I knew he was alive. I'm really not sure if I'm saying all of this right, you know how I am with words." John said as he looked into her eyes

"I think you're doing just fine," Nat said as she gave him a small smile. And nudged him to continue

"I want so much to be a part of your life now, a part of Lauren's life. I have so much time to make up for, if that's alright with you?" John asked

"I would like that, I think Lauren could really use a fathers influence like you could give her. I too felt something different last night, something that put me in a complete sense of safeness, a sense that my heart, my soul, was finally home. It was definitely different, you were different, a good different." Nat said as she leaned in and kissed him softly on the lips.

"Don't leave me again, John. I love you," Nat said softly when she pulled away from his mouth. John pulled back a little and was unsure how to tell her this. Tell her that he had to leave for only a few weeks, he wasn't quite sure how she was going to react, he had to make her understand that he had to finish something that he started, and then after, he was all hers, all theirs, forever.

"Nat, I don't ever want to leave you, nor do I ever want to leave Lauren but.. I.. this.. This was suppose to be just a few days off to recuperate until I had to go back on the assignment I was on before, with the FBI. I have a few more weeks before we should catch the bad guys and then I'll be done. Natalie..." John said as he saw her back up on the bench, she got teary eyed and he knew why.

" You have to leave? You just got here?" Natalie said as she tried to stop them from coming, the tears, how much she didn't want him to see her cry. John took his hand and wiped a few tears off her cheek and he held her cheek for a few minutes trying to get her to look at him since she was now looking at the ground.

" Look at me. Look at me Natalie, I wouldn't be going if I didn't have to and you know how good I am at my job. I just need to finish this case and then I'll be back and then nothing will take me away from you again, away from the two of you ever again. John said as Natalie looked into his blue eyes.

"What if you don't come back? What if something happens to you? I've just gotten you back in my life after all these years, now I should just let you go for a few weeks and do something dangerous, how can I be sure you'll be coming back and coming back alive? " Natalie said again as a few tears left her eye's and traveled down her cheeks.

" I'll be coming back, and alive. I promise, I love you too much to let anything happen to me. I love you too much not to come back to you and to our daughter. Do you even realize what you've given me?" John said as he held Nat's cheeks with both hands this time. Natalie didn't know what to say and when she tried she couldn't speak.

" You've given me love Natalie, your love, a child, a child to love, things I never though I would ever have in my life nor did I ever think I deserved. Please, I know you want to shut me out now but don't" John said as he leaned in for a tender kiss and then she willingly moved into his open arms and he held her. After a few minutes Natalie broke the silence.

"I'm not gonna throw this away John, you just better keep your promises, I'm not sure I could handle it if you didn't" Nat said as she pulled away from him so she could look into his eye's again

"Now as for Lauren, I'm sorry but, I don't think it's a good idea to tell Lauren that your her dad till you come back. I don't want her to think all dad's go away. I want her to see you stay, and for her to feel that you'll always be here." Nat said trying not to hurt John's feeling but she had to keep Lauren's feeling safe. The kid had already been thru so much in the few years of her life and she wanted John to have a good chance at a relationship with his daughter and she wasn't sure if it was possible if John left right after telling her the truth.

John looked away from Nat for a few seconds and thought about what she had said. She said she wasn't gonna throw it away, throw them away, he thought, she understood, she understood he wouldn't go unless it was necessary and then he'd be back, back to his family, he again thought, but they weren't really were they? Lauren was biologically his but not legally, and Natalie, well she wasn't his wife legally either just in his heart. He came to a few conclusions in his head about them being his family and about what Nat said about telling Lauren, then he turned back to look at her.

"I understand that you have to worry about Lauren in this, and It can wait till I get back, but when I do get back I want her name to be legally changed, I want her birth records to be changed, as soon as she knows I want her to have my name and I want you to have it too." John said waiting to see her reaction. Natalie heard him and it almost sounded like he said he wanted both of them to have his last name. Natalie wasn't sure how to handle that so she just dismissed it for now.

" Did you hear me Natalie? I want to give both of you my name? " John said as he knew she heard him the first time and he was beginning to get nervous at her reactions to his words.

" I heard you the first time John, what ever you want with Lauren as long as she doesn't get hurt but for me.. Lets just wait till you get back to discuss us. Now, don't go thinking I'm never gonna entertain the idea nor do I want to because it's not true, I.I.. just think it's best to wait till you get back to make plans like that. I love you, and you know that." Natalie said as she was starting to get really cold .

" I'm getting really cold can we go?" Nat asked and John nodded yes. they left and John drove Nat back to the cottage. John walked Nat to the door and opened the lock and they went in. Rex was a sleep on the couch and they woke him and he left. John walked over to Natalie gave her a kiss and walked over to the door to leave.

"Where are you going Mcbain? " Natalie asked before he got out the door.

" Don't you want to have a sleep over?" Natalie asked as John quickly closed the door and walked over towards her.