The Massage Parlor of Painful Doom

It was Ron, Harry, and Hermione's first year in Hogwarts. It was near the end of the school year, and finals were coming up. Harry's birthday would follow soon after, and Ron STILL did not have the money to buy it! Ron needed to start earning money fast, because he only had a couple months left before he had to buy the present. Ron decided to go to Hermione for some help. He looked for her in the Gryffindor Common Room.

"Hermione!" cried Ron, "I need help earning money to buy Harry's birthday present!"

"Oh," said Hermione, "Isn't it a bit too early for you to start thinking about that?"

"I've decided to start saving money in advance," replied Ron, "Because who knows how long it'll take before I'll even get my hands on some!"

"That's true," nodded Hermione, "Maybe you can sell stuff to the students here."

"Like what?" wondered Ron.

"Something they'd need… how about homework planners?" suggested Hermione.

"No way! No one would buy those!" yelled Ron. Just then, Dean came running past screaming. Seamus was chasing after him.

"What's wrong?" questioned Hermione.

"Dean's overly stressed! And so am I!" screamed Seamus hysterically.

"Stressed about what?" asked Hermione.

"FINALS! FINALS! FINALS!" howled Dean, running around in circles. "I NEED TO STUDY! STUDY!" Dean broke off with a piercing shriek, which Seamus joined. Hermione and Ron stared at the two frantic Gryffindors, who continued to run about.

"Blimey!" exclaimed Ron, "They're taking their finals way too seriously!"

"As they should! With a homework planner, they'd be able to schedule their study sessions more efficiently, so they won't have to run about in frantic circles!" nodded Hermione in a very superior manner. Ron just snickered.

"Charlie said something about this. First years ALWAYS take their finals too seriously! They shouldn't be worrying about exams until it's time to take their O.W.L.s and N.E.W.T.s. Passing is good enough! Haha! Wait until they get to their fourth year! Soon they wouldn't care AT ALL about their finals! They'll start slacking off!"

"Well I think all exams should be taken seriously ALL THE TIME," sniffed Hermione. "Good thing I started studying for the finals during Christmas. Otherwise, I would NEVER have caught up!" Ron looked at her with a strange expression on his face, and shook his head in a very she's-beyond-help way.

"Anyway, I still have that money problem…"

"Homework planners! Sell those! We can make them and cast little spells on them that howl when you don't do your homework and other stuff like that!" grinned Hermione enthusiastically.

"No way! No one would buy those!" scowled Ron.

"I would! And they're super useful! I have three of them, and I still can't cram enough stuff into them!" yelled Hermione with vigor. Suddenly, Lavender Brown and Parvati Patil walked past. Both of them were sobbing heart wrenchingly into their hands.

"Oh!" gasped Hermione, "What's wrong Lavender? Parvati?"

"Oh…" moaned Lavender sadly, "I'll never pass the finals! I'll never graduate from Hogwarts! I'm a failure!" Lavender broke into fresh tears.

"You don't have to worry because you're so smart," sniffed Parvati to Hermione, while gulping down her tears, "But I'm not! I just got seven out of ten on my last piece of homework! I'll never pass the finals! I'll always be a first year student!" Parvati threw back her head and bawled loudly.

"Oh dear," breathed Hermione sympathetically, "There, there, I'm sure you'll do perfectly fine." She patted Lavender and Parvati's backs in a very motherly way.

"No I wo-won't!" shrieked Lavender loudly through her tears. "I won't! I WON'T! I'll fail! I'm absolutely stupid! Leave me alone!" She shook off Hermione's hands and thundered up to the girls' dorms. Parvati followed as well, still wailing.

"Wow! Talk about stressed!" remarked Ron.

"Yes," agreed Hermione, "I was just in the Great Hall, and you should have seen how all the Hufflepuff first years were carrying on, and even some of the Ravenclaw first years were throwing fits, and they usually get good grades in everything!"

"Hm…" mused Ron, "Maybe I can sell them some potion to relieve their stress! Or brain-enhancing brews!"

"Ron, those are illegal! What if they should go wrong?" scowled Hermione. Suddenly, she brightened. "Oh! I have an idea!"

"What?" asked Ron warily, "It's not a new and improved homework planner is it?" Hermione rolled her eyes.

"No, Ron," replied Hermione, "I think you should open a massage parlor!"

"A massage parlor?" said Ron blankly, "What's that?"

"It's a muggle thing!" said Hermione in exasperation, "Where you knead the backs of people to make them feel better! It especially works on stressed out people!"

"That sounds stupid," muttered Ron.

"Any better ideas?" glared Hermione. "Otherwise you can sell homework planners!"

"Okay…" agreed Ron a bit unwillingly, "When can we start?"

"Right now! Let's set everything up in the Gryffindor Common Room! And I'll help you massage!" yelled Hermione.

:-:

A few hours later…

Hermione had transferred all the couches and armchairs into beds with her superior transfiguration skills! And she had tons of Essence of Murtlap to help along with her massages. She even hung some sweet-smelling strange potion ingredients all over to create a calming atmosphere. Just then, Neville Longbottom walked in carrying a huge load of books. He was sweaty and disheveled, and half of his face appeared to have some letters ingrained in it, mixed with crusty saliva. He seemed to have fallen asleep on a book.

"Wh-where are all the chairs?" asked Neville bewilderedly, and a little apprehensively. He was a very insecure boy, and it took very little to make him worried or frightened. Yet, he still managed to end up in Gryffindor.

"Hey Neville!" grinned Hermione in very terrifying and eager way as she snatched Neville's books out of his hands, "You're our very first customer!"

"What do you mean?" asked Neville, looking very scared.

"Three Galleons please!" continued the enthusiastic Hermione heedlessly. She stepped forward, hand outstretched, and causing Neville to back away nervously.

"H-here," stuttered Neville. He quickly plunged a trembling hand into his robes and withdrew three galleons, which he handed to her.

"C-can I go now?" he whimpered. Hermione got a very dangerous glint in her eye.

"No! Of course not! You need to get your money's worth! Now take off your shirt!"

"B-but I need to study! Or my grandmum won't be pleased with what I get on the finals!" Neville began to sob in fear.

"I can tell you're stressed," said Hermione, "And I can relieve it! Now come here!" She yanked Neville over to one of the bed and threw him face down on it. Ron stared at her awesome power. He was very, very afraid. Hermione rolled up her sleeves and began to karate chop Neville's back. Neville screamed in agony.

"Stop that Hermione!" yelled Ron in horror, "Why are you doing that to Neville for? He never did anything to you!" He stepped forward to save Neville. Ron was positive that Hermione was slightly unhinged.

"This is called massaging!" exclaimed Hermione, "You're supposed to do this to relieve stress!"

"Muggles beat each other to relieve stress?" gasped Ron in horror. Muggles were such dotty creatures!

"Stop!" shrieked Neville. "It hurts! Stop!"

"Don't be stupid Neville!" chastised Hermione, "This is for your own good! Just relax! I'm relieving your stress! Ron! Bring me that bottle of Essence of Murtlap!" Ron complied. It was best not to anger Hermione in her demented state, but he couldn't help but feel sorry for Neville. He was an unsuspecting victim of Hermione's outlandish scheme. Neville screamed like a person being tortured. He began to cry into the bed, smearing salty snot and tears into the bed sheets as Hermione start to knead his shoulders and work the ointment into his back. Neville tried to struggle, but Hermione put the body bind spell on him to keep him still.

"Don't you want your money's worth?" scowled Hermione. Neville's eyes rolled in terror.

"Stop pinching him like that!" Ron ran forward to hold back Hermione, "Can't you see you're torturing him! Stop!"

"No! He's finally relaxing!" Hermione shook Ron off and continued to pummel Neville's back with her fits. "Must-perfect-massaging-skills," she grunted insanely. She did not know that Neville had already passed out from terror.

"There! Done!" announced Hermione triumphantly. She took the spell off of Neville, but he didn't move. He was still unconscious.

"Look!" laughed Hermione insanely, "He enjoyed it so much that he doesn't want to move! But that'll be three more Galleons if you want to be massaged some more!" Neville still did not move. Ron prodded him a couple of times.

"I think he's dead…" remarked Ron. He shoved Neville off the bed, and wrinkled his nose in revulsion at what he saw. "I think he was a bit too relaxed if you ask me!" There was a yellow puddle of urine staining the white bed sheets! Disgusting!

"Oh great," groaned Hermione, "I never knew he was the bedwetting type! I suppose we'll just clean this one and use the other bed I transfigured." They stepped over Neville's prone form and shoved the wet bed into the fire to dispose of it. It was really nasty! The only way it could be properly cleansed was by burning it to ashes!

"Ok well I guess we should wait for the next customer!" smiled Hermione cheerfully. "You know, I'm starting to get the feel for this! I guess I'm just naturally good at massaging! Look at Neville, he's sleeping so peacefully!"

You're deranged, thought Ron, and he shook his head disbelievingly.

"I don't think this massaging thing is going to work out," said Ron as gently as possible. He could tell Hermione was in some sort of craze. Little did he know that this craze would lead to various others in the future. (S.P.E.W.)

"Don't be silly Ron," laughed Hermione dementedly, "Look, we've already earned three galleons! Here!" She tossed the money at Ron, but Ron didn't take it.

"You earned it Hermione," sighed Ron. "I didn't do anything!"

"Ron! You're the one who came up with this idea!" Hermione rolled her eyes. Ron looked at her like she was crazy.

"I don't even know what a massage is!"

"Now you do! And we will continue with the massage parlor until YOU earn enough money for Harry's birthday present!"

"Maybe YOU will," grumbled Ron grouchily, "But I think this whole idea is stupid! It's completely idiotic of muggles to allow themselves to get beaten in order to relieve their stress! Doesn't it usually cause the opposite?"

"It is NOT idiotic!" screeched Hermione, her hair becoming more and more like an afro, "It really does relieve stress! If you must know, I had a very relaxing massage at the spa while vacationing in France one time!"

"That explains it," muttered Ron.

"You know what?" shrilled Hermione, "I think YOU need a massage! I'll show YOU how relaxing it is!" Ron's eyes widened in horror as Hermione slowly and ominously advanced. The whole room suddenly seemed dark and forbidding, and Hermione's normally brown eyes glowed red in the darkness.

"Laaaaayy doooooooown," hissed Hermione like Lord Voldemort. Her eyes gleamed red like Lord Voldemort as well, except Ron didn't know that. He'd never seen Lord Voldemort before. Hermione moved faster than a rocketing Blast-Ended-Skrewt and managed to bodily throw Ron onto the bed. Ron whimpered in terror as Hermione shoved his face into the toilet-cover shaped thingy. She pulled up his shirt and began to hammer his back violently. Ron was in severe agony! He went into convulsions and began to froth in the mouth. He squirmed in protest, but Hermione once again put the full body bind spell on him. She continued to whack him enthusiastically.

"Must-be-a-perfect-masseuse-and-get-you-relaxed," snarled Hermione in a very psychotic manner. She continued to punch his back mercilessly. She karate chopped his neck, but then her arms got tired. Then, she decided to get a little inventive and dug her sharp elbows into Ron's back as though she were trying to gouge out an eyeball. Under this tremendously painful abuse, Ron passed out as well, and that was the end of that! The massage parlor closed down after only one costumer, and Hermione was left to wonder about her massaging skills. Ron and Neville were carted off to the Hospital Wing. Their recovery from the mental and physical torture took quite a bit out of their studying time. Unsurprisingly, they didn't score too high on the finals.

Anyway, poor Ron had to borrow money from Fred and George in order to buy Harry his birthday present. In return, Ron was Fred and George's unwilling slave for two months. Little did he know that his present would be intercepted by a house elf named Dobby…

The End

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