AN: Sorry if this is boring for you, I'm trying to give you a look into the different things that could happen. Sometimes trauma can get in the way, sometimes physical health. Life switches between whatever it wants, it doesn't matter where you are.
Anyway Read and Review please
For a few days following JJ's seizure she had stayed in the ICU. After Emily had left to go home, JJ had gone into another seizure, luckily it wasn't as long, but it lasted a good 20 minutes which had meant it was another status seizure. Leading to another round of intense drugs and another night where she was completely out of it. Again, all Abi could put it down to was an extreme amount of stress and emotions. Once JJ had broken down to her wife, it had been hard for her to control the number of tears which were falling, the number of emotions she was feeling. This was certainly what everyone had been waiting for. It just wasn't ideal how her body seemed to be reacting to it.
Once Emily had taken all the children to school, she was going to the hospital where JJ was now in a regular room and where Susan had said she was going to meet them. It was purely to help JJ manage her emotions and hopefully make some progress while she was feeling so much. Abi had been weary at first, considering the past couple days for the blonde, but after 2 days of tears, easy triggers and snapping she had agreed in the hopes something could help her patient so that her stress levels would go down, which would in turn help JJ to settle her stomach, and sort out her blood levels and hopefully keep her from going into status for a third time in four days.
Emily walked the halls preparing herself to see her wife. It was never easy to see the person you love in a hospital bed. She was gratefully physically JJ seemed to be on the mend but mentally she was broken. Everything she had been through finally had come out. She had held it in for a good while, occasionally having a small melt down. But this was nothing like she had ever seen. She approached JJ's door slowly. It was good to see her without as many wires and tubes, but she still had a considerable amount. Her wife was sleeping, seemingly peacefully. This was her second night away from JJ and she had been scared, especially since the night before her wife had a seizure while she wasn't there. Today she had no such news, so she kept a small smile on her face seeing some peace come to JJ.
She took a seat on the edge of her wifes bed. She couldn't wake her up at first, she just wanted a moment to admire everything about her. So, for a minute she sat watching the rise and fall of her chest, looking at the way her mouth rested slightly upturned and her eyes looked calm. A mental image stayed in her head. Slowly she leaned down placing a gentle kiss on her wifes lips before stirring her. "Good morning baby. Did you sleep okay?"
"Emily?" JJ had been slightly confused waking up each morning. Only put down to the drugs she'd had each day and the fact she was waking in a room which wasn't her own.
"Yeah baby. It's me. How are you feeling today?" Emily asked, she ran a hand to hold on to JJ's.
"I'm okay. Can you sit me up?"
The older agent sat up her wife slowly and carefully. The types of drugs were still keeping JJ in a weakened state, she had yet to get out of her bed, and as Abi had said JJ would probably be very sore, when having a seizure the muscles are constantly in spasm, stiffening to the point of causing pulled muscles, resulting in something called postictal paralysis, which was temporary weakening of the body, after going through a seizure as long as she had. "Is this okay?" She asked adjusting JJ's pillows and the head of the bed. Physio would be around later on that day to get JJ up and about. First Susan would be calling by in around 5 to 10 minutes.
"Yeah, much better." JJ let the corner of her lips turn up. She couldn't help but think how grateful she was that she had caught one of the good women in the world. She hadn't been in the dating world long when she met Emily and felt incredible happy that she had got herself a god. The moment of happiness was ruined by her eyes watering. She was crying again. "I'm sorry." The blonde lifted her aching arm slowly to wipe some tears, but a pale hand caught hers and wiped them for her.
"Oh, baby. It's okay. You're okay. Susan's gonna be here shortly so we can get a grasp on this. We can figure out what's going on and help you through it. Don't ever be sorry."
"I just wish I could stop crying. It's so stupid. I shouldn't be crying this much."
"I know you wish you could stop, but you need to cry. If you want to cry just let them out." Emily moved herself to sit at the head of the bed with JJ and wrapped an arm over her shoulder to allow the poorly woman to lean into her and let out any emotions she had at the moment.
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It wasn't often Susan got out of the office, probably once every couple of months. As much as it was exciting, she was leaving the building and going to a new location the reasons weren't great. However, they were. Progress had been made with JJ. It wasn't perfect she was in hospital, but she could help. She could talk to JJ and continue to make progress. When she walked into JJ's room, she melted at JJ curled into Emily. It was a sweet sight. Something she wished she had with her husband. But men were never that affectionate unless it meant they were getting something. She brushed that out of her head to focus on JJ. After a brief welcome they got started. "So, JJ, talk to me. When you first started feeling like this what were you thinking?"
Emily had stayed at both JJ's and Susan's request. Hopefully, this point would be a turning point for them. "I was scared."
Susan rolled her eyes and JJ's brief words. "Come of JJ, you're a pro at this now. Why were you scared?" JJ had slowly gotten used to just spitting out everything after a lot of EMDR work the past couple months. It was great work. The therapist hoped JJ hadn't taken a step back with her ability to talk.
"I was scared of everything. I'm fed up of letting all this rule me. I hate feeling scared and tired. I just want to move on with me life. I'm ready to move on with my life." The blonde paused as she looked to her wife who hadn't moved from her side to Susan who was perched in a chair. She was kind of glad Emily was here. She was ready for her partner to help her as much as she needed. "I was processing this. I got in the shower after our last session and I got a flashback. But Emily made me get out the shower, and one thing that crossed my mind was how ready I am to stop freaking out whenever I shower, and how ready I am to finally go further than a few kisses with my wife," JJ saw the small smile from Emily. "But now I'm scared. This happened. And I think that I don't want Emily to go through this its not fair. But also, I don't want to do this. I don't want to die without having moved on and seeing my kids grow up, but he ruined it for me and then I feel like I've made no progress because I still think of him." She really did just want a normal life now. It was tiring fighting this every day.
"Unfortunately, his memory will live on in you, we've spoken about this, he's left you with a lifelong condition as far as we know. You have yearly to two yearly surgeries to replace your shunt, you have epilepsy linked to it, which is slowly getting controlled, but it's taking its time. Your allowed to think of him, but your allowed to be selfish and think of yourself and your family. He's not here anymore. He's dead. You've made so much progress, it might not feel like it at the moment. The purpose of this kind of therapy has been to bring back those memories so you can process what happened and you can allow yourself to accept that it happened." There was nothing this doctor could do to rid the memories of the evil man, but she could help ease the awful memories and lessen the pain which was felt from her patient.
JJ nodded. "I think I have made some process." It was the one thing she was proud of about herself.
The only time Susan smiled around JJ was when they spoke about their kids which wasn't often, it was gratifying to be able to smile about something other than children. To be able to smile about true recovery. "Go on tell me JJ."
"You know the brand? I didn't really want more surgery to get it removed and lately I've been thinking about keeping it. Maybe getting a couple of small additions to it." Admitting something like this was a big thing and had JJ's overly sensitive emotions running high again. Willing away tears wasn't going to help. But Emily who was sitting there silently used the sleeve of her woollen jumper to wipe away the tears.
Susan felt like screaming hallelujah. Out of all the progress this was the biggest jump JJ had made in terms of recovery and once the jumps started like this, things would get easy the jumps would be bigger and it wouldn't be long until JJ could be discharged from her service. "Amazing progress. Do you remember how you couldn't even look at it, and now your thinking about keeping it? These are steps in recovery."
Blue eyes met the chocolate brown of her wifes before looking back to the therapist who almost seemed excited at the confessions she was making. "Yeah, I want to give it a different meaning though. A more personal one to myself and Emily."
"Do you mind me asking what?" Asked Susan who edged forward in her seat. Eager to listen to more of what her patient had to say.
"Well in Irish tradition each leaf of the clover means something. Faith, hope, love, and luck. The faith is that our parents now are happy and believe in our relationship, and believe we have something pure. Love was for us, that we…" She turned and looked at Emily. "That will continue to love each other until the end of time and our kids will love us too. The hope was that, we will be reunited with those we have lost, Rosaline, our baby Maggie, Mathew Emily's friend. The luck was more one for now. It's good luck to anyone whoever hurts our kids because we carry guns. We are badass right?" She sought some kind of confirmation from her wife.
Emily was happy for the love of her life. This was the biggest step she had seen JJ make. After a few weeks of being isolated and withdrawn, she was getting back to herself and hopefully one day could be back to the woman she fell in love with. "Yeah baby. We are badass. Maybe I could get a matching one?" Emily then turned to Susan, "Do you think that would be a good idea that I went and got a tattoo?" Emily hadn't heard JJ say any of this before, it was a first. But she couldn't have been any prouder, she was ready to do anything she could to support her wife.
The therapist shrugged. "I mean I don't see a problem with it. Both of you have come of leaps and bounds since the day you first started even if you don't think so. If you JJ feel ready to do something like that, I'd say do what you want."
"I think we can talk about it. I want to get out of here first." JJ nodded, it seemed like a good idea,
"Sure." Emily smiled again taking her sleeve to JJ's face where the tears were still falling. Not as hard as they had been for the past couple days but still, they were there.
Susan continued to talk to JJ. Digging into the tears and how she was feeling, and why she was feeling so emotional at the moment. It was so many things which could cause a person to be like that. There was so many things coming into play with JJ. The seizures, the exhaustion, and acceptance she didn't even realise that had happened. "How are you feeling about our session last Wednesday?" This was something they had yet to talk about.
"Okay." JJ shrugged. She wasn't sure what else to say right in the moment. But being asked another question allowed her to think.
"What do you mean okay?" The doctor prompted trying to pull some more information out of her patient.
JJ paused. She couldn't quite figure out the right words. You would think after being a media liaison where everything she said mattered, she could come up with the prefect way to express how she was feeling. But being here, talking about herself, it wasn't as easy. It was a hard task for anyone. JJ took it slightly more to heart but shook it from her thoughts. She just needed to speak. "Even though I feel scared. It's not to do with what happened. I get that it happened, and I can't change it. I mean I'm not ready to sleep with my wife yet, but I think that's a goal I want to get to. I am scared of not being able to get to that point because somethings go to kill me first. Like these stupid seizures." As she could feel herself going into a slight ramble, she stopped herself before everything slipped out.
"That's a normal fear to have, you've overcome something so big in your life. You've done so much, and this is a step I believe you are fully ready to take. The seizures are hard and yes there are risks with everything, but people are working so hard to help you get back to normal and have a more controlled life. You'll get there, but I believe for you, that believing in yourself and believing things will get better will help you come so far. Confidence is amazing and can do so much when you have it." Susan could see Emily agreeing nodding along to what she was saying. She had noticed these in her wife herself. Years of therapy and writing some of the evals and being a profiler Emily had done her own assessments on her wife. Hence why the two older women agreed on the statement said.
Recovery was never easy. Not for anyone. Add in the stress of work, kids, physical health issues, a social life, and a marriage it made things much harder. But something the Jareau-Prentiss's always did was work for their recovery. Emily was slightly more stubborn and would weave her way through it with many different people, but they got there. They had been in a position many times in the past where they had to see a therapist, this time although it was no different, it was so much different. But something which Susan always loved about the couple was how they held each other, how they were able to lean on each other. Even if they were reluctant at times. No one was perfect, no relationship was perfect, but JJ and Emily would forever try to get there. They would continue to fight. This was definitely a turning point and hopefully it would continue for them so they could get on with their lives.