During my time at court, I wouldn't like to say I was popular, but I was certainly well-liked by nobles and servants alike. It helped that I knew how to blend-in amongst both, so some credit went to never acting above my perceived station, while not forgetting the importance of those below me. I'd spent a fair share of my life living as both, an unfortunate side effect of those I shared my company with not always being accepting of my sexual preferences. But I was always honest and, as a result, by the time of my arrival at court it was common knowledge that I enjoyed the company of both men and women (truth be told, my preference was for women, but in order to survive in this world you need to secure yourself a good marriage, so I thought best to keep my options open).

I was courted upon my arrival and, on the one hand, I was never short on suitors, but as word of my predilections spread, it appeared to encourage the wrong sorts of attention: offers of courtship from men who considered me either a challenge or an opportunity for experimentation, rather than genuine marriage prospects. None of them longed for true commitment and therefore never held any appeal for me. Needless to say, I was rarely able (or willing) to feign much of an interest in these unreliable offers and thus my mind (and eyes) would often wander. I continued to be courted by some considerably more appropriate men, but nothing ever lasted long. It was unfortunate, but it meant I was also able to enjoy the company of the women from time to time.

Meanwhile, I struck-up an unexpected friendship with Catherine, which led to her extending the offer of a position as her Lady-in-waiting. I eagerly accepted, but I never imagined we'd become as close as we did. I found her so compelling, it was difficult not to become so entirely fascinated by her. The way her mind worked (both brilliant and devious in equal measure) and her passion for… well, most things in her life really. I couldn't help but be drawn to her and the more time we spent together, the deeper I saw behind her mask and into the kindness of her soul. When we weren't busy embroiled in one of her latest plots, we continued to develop our bond as friends. Some would scoff, but it was a true and pure friendship, one based on a mutual trust and respect. From that grew a genuine affection. I just never imagined the eventual outcome.

As Catherine once told me, a secret can only ever stay a secret when one person knows about it. Especially at court. To that end, however reserved I tried to be, it didn't take long for the whispers to begin. I'd never focused on being subtle with my affections (although I was usually aware when I needed to be), but my feelings for Catherine blossomed over so natural a time, I hadn't actually realised I was falling for her until I was in far too deep to backtrack. I never strayed from the side of caution, nor would I ever do anything inappropriate, but when we were together and she went from being the Queen to just Catherine… it was almost easy to convince myself my feelings were not entirely unrequited. That there was a chance they could be returned. I would tell myself it was in my head, but many times there were moments when it seemed possible enough for me to question it.

Indeed there was one occasion where I nearly braved crossing the line (with words, not actions. Treason was not high on my desired list of achievements), as the whispers about my affections had now become common knowledge anyway.

Lord Robert Valentine was courting me and things had progressed positively so far. There was no love between us, but we were fond of each other and got on well enough. I could imagine a happy life together with him, one where hopefully that affection would grow to love. I hadn't yet broached the subject of my reputation with him. Neither had he, though I suspect that, while he knew, he wasn't exactly keen to directly address it. Some issues are easier to live with if you pretend they don't exist and no one would have expected it to threaten to come between us. Not that it meant it wasn't very much a concern on his mind.

Sadly, that all came to a head at the very party during which he was to officially request approval for a proposal. I thought I had done my part well that night, playing the dutiful arm ornament for him, but evidently I had a lapse in the art of subtlety. As it was, one of my servant friends opened my eyes to it.

I'd danced, conversed and laughed, nervously waiting for a moment to make the request… until quite out of nowhere he took me aside for a word: regret, because evidently he had to acknowledge he couldn't commit himself to a life with someone who so obviously would never give him her heart. I was stunned and dismayed, of course, but more so I was panicked as to how I would explain why this had gone so wrong.

I excused myself, running into the servant in the corridor. Slightly frantic, I spilled the contents of the conversation to her.

'Devoted, he said! He couldn't be with someone he could see was devoted to another, someone he was certain would never truly be his.'

I was wringing my hands with nervous energy.

'No, I'd say not.' She replied 'Not when he's not the one you couldn't keep your eyes off all night.'

'I beg your pardon?'

She raised her eyes and lowered her voice.

'You normally don't make it so obvious. But tonight…'

Tonight. It dawned on me she was right.

I'd been mesmerised by Catherine that night. She'd looked so elegant in her red gown, a personal favourite of mine that made her eyes sparkle, took my breath away and aroused the flutter of butterflies deep within me. More than a beauty, in my eyes she was the most exquisite, stunning creative I'd ever had the good fortune to be in the presence of.

The realisation hit me with such a force. If I hadn't been aware of my predilections for women already, there could no longer be any doubt of them. Honestly, thinking back, I could hardly be surprised when Robert made his decision. While I had spent the evening watching her, he was watching me. Well within his rights to reject me.

I didn't dare return to the party, such was the confusion I was feeling. Had I really been so foolish as to fall for the Queen? The worst part was the uneasy feeling of not knowing who else had picked-up on this.

It didn't take long for my absence to be noted and Catherine came to find me. She expected to have to comfort me, which normally would have been most welcome. But I was on edge, trying to convince myself my heart was simply confused, ignoring the way it seemed to beat faster now in her presence. I felt as though everyone could see what it was holding onto so clearly now. Of course Robert knew. He had tried his best to be discreet, but whispers circulate easily in French court, it was beyond our control.

Even as Catherine held my hand, I couldn't bring myself to look at her, wondering if they'd reached her. She held me for a moment, determined to console me.

'It will be okay.' She whispered. I pulled away, trembling.

'How?' I asked. 'How can it be?'

She stroked my cheek, but said nothing.

To be continued...