Dirty Filthy Skin

It had been raining. The streetlights danced with dew and the puddles on the street reflected glass windows and buildings. Everything was still with damp and wetness, it curled up into the air in a sweet mist. The mist curled around Raven like smoke as she carefully stepped on the wet cold concrete. She was barefoot, as always, and her head was down. Her toes curled as her foot touched a puddle and yet she still continued onward, passing by alleyways and streets. She knew it would take her a long time to get to Tug's place, he lived by Max, but she didn't care. A trash can collapsed with a loud crash, but she walked on as if nothing happened. A pigeon flew out from behind an alley wall making her stumble backwards.

When it started raining Raven had just finished getting dressed, buttoning up her blouse, and when she walked outside she'd noticed the trickling drizzle. She'd stepped out into the middle of the street, swung her arms out wide, and arched her back up to meet the rain. She opened her mouth to heaven's sweet waters and drank it in. Raven walked that way, not caring that she was stepping on pebbles, through the rain. She was cleansing her body clean as the rain seeped into the cloth of her blouse, ran down the cavern of her chest and danced over her eyes. When the rain stopped she felt dirty once again and hung her head as she started out for home. That's when she decided should couldn't be alone. She wanted to scratch off her skin, to tear away her silky filth ravenously. Raven knew she couldn't do that and so she headed to Tug's.

The old iron stairs creaked and groaned as Raven mounted them. Her bare feet froze as she rested them on the stairs. She looped one hand over the upper half of her arm, shielding herself from the light breeze that had begun to sweep through the alley. The glowing yellow light encased the entire alleyway, like poisonous sun rays. The alley was shadowed in corners, shadows that seemed to crawl and creep about in the night just to scare unsuspecting passersby. A rat was scuffling about in the dumpster down the end, searching for its gourmet dinner of molding cheese and half eaten macaroni. A cat eyed this rat with evil intent, it's green eyes glowing yellow in the soft light. The street lamp seemed to cast a beauty on the ugliness before her and she turned her head away from the glorified urban scene.

She continued to climb. She walked up the rickety fire escape like it was a mountain. She stepped carefully like Jack had done climbing up his beanstalk. Her fingers held the railing with such an intensity that her arm was taught and her knuckles had gone white as snow. Raven still couldn't believe she was climbing to his window, thought she knew he'd understand anything she had to say. Tug was cold, solemn and angry, but loyal, and although he'd used her just as much as any other man, he was loyal and she needed someone strong to listen to her. Raven needed his strong arms to envelop her and sweep her away to some clouded place where there was no need for thoughts.

Her feet finally touched the grated platform at Tug's floor. She tossed her purse into the corner, a strap from her black high heels flipping out over the edge. Raven knelt down carefully onto the platform and crawled over to the window. Half of her face illuminated in the amber glow of the street lamp, a broken halo. The window was covered by a white bed sheet, used to block out the sun, she thought he would still be awake. Evidently he wasn't, the room was pitch black and when she pressed her ear to the chilled glass she could faintly hear snoring. Raven flattened out her palm against the glass, her fingers long and thin. She curled her fingers into a fist and rapped on the window. Tap tap tap. She waited patiently and a chill swept over her so she curled her arms against her chest and bounced to keep warm. The breath that fluttered from her mouth looked like white smoking butterfly wings. She knocked again. Tap tap tap. In a matter of minutes the white shade went flying up to the ceiling and she could see his face, his sharp angular face. His muscles bulged like ripened oranges as he yanked open the window, the air blowing back his black hair from his face. Her eyes were greeted with those of an angry sleep deprived rainstorm. Raven couldn't help but notice his broad shoulders and strong chest under his wife beater and how his arms were always pulsing with energy.

"What the hell are ya doin' here?" Tug snapped harshly before emitting a loud yawn. Raven responded with a shrug and looked away from him. Her lips twitched into a deeply sorrowful frown. Tug stood still, watching her shaking body for only a moment and then crawled out onto the fire escape. When seated next to Raven he seemed to tower over her like a giant fortress. Tug pulled out a pack of Marlboro's from his boxer's pocket and a silver Zippo lighter. When he looked over at Raven he noticed. He noticed the coal like streaks of eyeliner and the midnight curtain of mascara. Her bottomless eyes were a soft puddle and her damp hair lay limp down her back. A button had popped off her blouse and Tug stared at the curve of her breasts under her black bra. The smooth lumps shimmering from the drying rainwater. Her lipstick was smeared and she deftly wiped a finger under her bottom lip to smooth the line straight, then she reached over to the corner of the small platform and snatched up her bag, placing it in her lap. She began to shuffle through it, the items thumping around like hooves, each getting shifted back and forth between tampons, lipsticks, wallet, and loose coins. She plucked out a clear gloss which she opened with a twirl, applying the stickiness with agility to her chapped lips. All was silent, the world beneath them and above them were thick with the silence. An early morning silence that penetrated into each corner of every house, every building and every soul.

"Do you remember the exact moment that you wasn't a kid no more?" She said suddenly, her eyes focusing on the brick wall across the way before turning to his own.

"Yeah. It wasn't that long ago, ya know?" Tug said with a smirk and then lit two cigarettes, one of which he passed into her shaking hands. She took it and held it between her index and middle fingers, the lip gloss resting in the palm of her left hand. She began to fiddle with it nervously, turning it over and over in her hands, the cigarette bobbing up and down with smoke curling across her hands.

"What was it? I mean was it somethin' that you wanna remember or was it somethin' that you think, God I shoulda waited before it happened, I shoulda waited before I grew up like that."

"Well, it's something that I shoulda waited for, but I wouldn't change it for anything, ya know?" He blew smoke out of his mouth, lips forming a round O.

"What was it?"

"When I saw my son for the first time." He looked over at her and smiled. It was one of those rare smiles that had nothing behind it, nothing sinister, malicious or conniving, it was a true smile. He always had that smile when he talked about his son. Raven chewed on her bottom lip for a moment, pulling at the split chapped skin and then turned her body to face him more easily, her shoulder resting against the wall.

"The moment I wasn't a kid no more I was in the backseat of an old dodge caravan with this guy. The very second I knew I wasn't a kid no more was when he unzipped my jeans and slid his hand down my pants, forcing his fingers into me. I think that was worse then losing my virginity."

"What was the guy's name?"

"The guy's name ain't important. I don't remember his name, but the thing that's important is the moment, ya know? Everything that's ever defined me in my life has had to do with some guy getting something outta me." She swallowed hard, lowering her head so the curling tendrils of hair fell across her face. Tug looked away from her, out at the brick lined rooftops and licked his lips.

"Have you ever thought that maybe you just let 'em have it? That maybe you let things happen to ya? You let me have what I wanted didn't ya? You didn't have to, you didn't even charge me." He looked back at her.

"That was different." She looked up at him, eyes misting over once again. "And don't talk to me like that, you ain't gotta be cruel."

"I ain't being cruel. I'm telling you like it is. Every night somebody sees you walking down the street after fucking some guy for next to nothing and every night you look like your about to break."

"That ain't true."

"What are ya doing right now? Why did you come here instead of going home then? You're breaking."

"Shut the fuck up, Tug. I don't need this from you." Raven flung the lip gloss back into her bag, pulling the cloth purse to her chest, curling up her knees around it. For a moment, Tug thought she looked like a little girl with her chin pressed close to her knees. He saw her shoulders begin to shake and her head tip forward, her arms hugged tighter. He could feel everything give way underneath her, wash out of her like a river pouring out into the ocean.

"I have to do something. I have to fix whatever the fuck is broken and I don't know how. I don't know how or I can't or I won't, but I have to do something. I can't keep doing this. Every time someone rolls off me I feel dirty, filthy, like I'm crawling with bugs and all I wanna do is rip my skin off! I wanna tear it off and throw it out so no one can see what it really looks like! I have to stop, but if I do what am I gonna do? I got no money, no one has no money! I can't..." Her voice cracked, choking on a sob and suddenly she lifted her head, turning it away from him so all he saw was the line of her neck.

He was silent, shocked into absolute silence. He was cruel and harsh, but watching someone cry was never something he liked, not even if it had been his fault. It actually drove him crazy and made him feel helpless. A feeling that, to him, was useless. It rattled his nerves and made him uncharacteristically uncomfortable. Here was this girl, sitting on his fire escape, crying to him, pouring out her heart for a reason he didn't understand and yet all he wanted to do was take her dirty skin and scrub it clean. He'd scrub away the mascara, eyeliner, blurred rim of lipstick. He'd wipe away the purple and yellow bruises and he'd gently scrub her crotch so it didn't bleed and wasn't sore any more. Then he'd kiss away the pain, sucking it out of her mouth like a vacuum and she wouldn't cry.

"When you fucked me I didn't feel dirty." She muttered quietly, still staring off into space. He watched as a tear floated down her chin and dripped onto her chest. Tug took his final drag and stared at the cigarette filter for a few seconds before tossing it over the railing, down to the earth below. Though there was still a haze of darkness, he could hear the starting of the pigeons cooing. Then as though a magnet grasped the tips of his fingertips, his fingers gripped her chin and turned her face to look at his own. He didn't say a word, but brought his lips close to her ear, fingers cupping one side of her face.

"You ain't dirty." The scruff of his facial hair scratched her face softly, prickling her tender skin as he moved his face away, looking into her eyes. She didn't move, just tilted her head up slightly and when he kissed her it was not sweet or soft, but urgent and rough. He was rough, and he'd always be rough, but she'd rather have rough then dirty. She kissed him back harshly, pushing herself into his arms, her entire body crushed up against his chest. She grasped his face and pushed her body up against him, kissing with all her might as her thighs crushed his waist. Raven shivered, goose bumps rippling down over her skin. She pulled her mouth away from his and crawled off his lap.

"I should go home," She muttered, reached for her pocketbook. Tug tugged open the window and started to crawl inside.

"I ain't lettin' you walk home now."

"Are you actually worried about me?"

"No. Just figured that you'd spend the night here since you're shiverin.'" He crawled into his room and without any other invitation Raven followed him.

Tug walked over to his dresser and opened up the bottom drawer, he pulled out a white t-shirt and a pair of boxers which he tossed to Raven. She caught the clothing and asked, "Where's the bathroom?"

"Right across the hall." He motioned toward the door and as she was leaving he called out in a whisper, "Be quiet, Mikey's sleepin' alright?" She nodded and left the room.

Once in the porcelain bathroom, Raven began to change out of her damp clothes. She had to pry each article of clothing from her body, it was stuck to her like a snake's skin. She tossed each wet piece to the floor and pulled the soft cotton over her shoulders. It hung on her like a short dress, a shoulder peeping through the neck of the shirt. She looked over at the oval mirror and stepped closer. Her face was unrecognizable and she gently touched the skin of her cheek, staring with wonder at her own face. She glanced away, grabbed a towel from the rack on the door and started to towel dry her hair, ruffling it with the fluffy material. She walked from the bathroom back into Tug's room this way, rubbing the towel back and forth on her head with once hand.

"Sit down." He motioned her toward the bed and she took a seat. Tug stepped over to her, grasped the towel in his own hands and began to rub her head dry. She couldn't help but reveal a small smile and she looked up at him as she continued smoothing the towel over her long hair.

"What?"

"You do this for Mikey?"

"Yeah, all the time. I'm a pro at it." She laughed a bit as he stopped and took the towel off her head. He still held the towel in his hands and crouched down before her, taking a corner of it in his hand. "Shut your eyes." She did so and he gently rubbed the scruffy cloth against her face, wiping off the smudged makeup slowly so as not to irritate her skin too much. Last he brushed the towel across her forehead and then tossed it to the floor.

"That's better." Raven smiled, looking down at him, her face clean and fresh, nothing showing traces of the mess she'd been before.

"Thanks." Tug shrugged and stood up, his knee popping as he did so. Raven saw the crib nestled near the door and got up, moving closer to where Mikey lay asleep. He looked like his father, a head full of pitch black hair, and strong features for a little kid.

"So you like kids?" Tug asked, sitting down on his bed.

"No, all the do is shit, eat, sleep and whine." He laughed.

"Ya know you're tellin' this to a guy with a kid."

"Yeah, but I guess I could make an except for this one. He's cute."

"That's cause he's sleepin.'" Tug said with a smirk. She laughed and then covered her mouth with a hand as she yawned.

"So, how we doin' this? You sleepin on the floor or something?"

"Have you lost your mind? It ain't like I never seen you naked, we can sleep in the same bed." Tug rolled his eyes and so did she. Raven crawled into the bed, moving close to the wall and burrowing up underneath the covers. He got in next to her and looped his arms behind his head, staring up at the ceiling. Raven curled up on her side, watching him as he tried to fall asleep. Soon Tug turned over pulling the covers with him and she tugged them back over her.

"Hey! Quit hogging the sheets."

"I ain't the one hogging the sheets." She argued and then turned over on her other side, stretched a leg out and kicking him accidentally.

"Alright! I ain't sleeping like this."

"Well it ain't exactly comfortable for me either." Raven flipped over onto her back at turned her head to the side. "What the hell are we doin?"

"I got no idea, but all I know is ya better put up with my kid."

"I said I would." Tug nodded and Raven moved closer to him, looping an arm around his waist and placing her head on his chest. He didn't move for a moment. He'd never actually held someone while he slept, not even Mikey's mother. He'd usually just turn over and give every girl the cold shoulder. He wasn't the cuddling type. Tug would get annoyed with anyone if they tried to hold him for to look, but Raven wasn't trying to keep him in one place, her presence wasn't restricting. He raised his arm and laid his hand over her shoulder gently. Her skin was so soft it was like velvet and seemed to melt like butter underneath his hand. He curled and uncurled his fingers against her soft skin, the t-shirt tickling his hand.

"Do I gotta change his diapers?" She whispered sleepily.

"Are you nuts? I ain't even gonna leave you alone with the kid. You'd probably kill him accidentally." She laughed and shifted so she was more comfortable while he grinned.

As the sun came up over the sleeping streets and quiet alleyways, glistening into windows and dancing over the rooftops everything below them started to shake to life. The sleeping birds began to coo with awakening. Men left the apartments buildings, unlocking their cars so they could get to work. Race was on his way to the docks for his morning job when he realized he didn't see Raven that morning. Jack was already stuck in a bank installing an alarm system, cursing under his breath at his father who was sitting on his ass drinking coffee. Sage was on the subway, making her way to class and Casey was walking Ben to school. Everyone had come to life but the two of them. As the streets moved with kids going to school, cars, and everyday life, they slept.