Title: You're Beautiful
Disclaimer: I own nothing; the title is from James Blunt song of the same title. No infringement intended.
Summary: Jess sees Rory on the train in New York five years after his last encounter with her. (Set after let me hear your Balalaikas ringing out episode
Thanks for all of the reviews, you guys are awesome, and I promise I will have a new part out really soon. No more Eve to distract me!
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The minute I woke up I felt like something was different in my life. It was a feeling of déjà vu, but in this way I had never felt before. I could tell my life was going change, and I had no idea how it was. And the way I knew this was happening was when I woke up I smiled.
I can't remember the last time I smiled when I woke up. I used to do it as a child, because I had the town as a playground. I could go and zip around the Inn and bug the staff and have my mom there with me and everything was great. When I was a teenager, I thankfully was free of angst for a lot of the time, and when I happened to come across some of it, it faded with the absurdity that was my mother's and I life.
But something changed at the end of first year. The happiness that seemed to follow me effortlessly, somehow got lost in the move. No longer was I looking forward to using the different pens it took me hours to find on the pads I had looked for everywhere. I didn't feel the passion to write an article, and no longer did I love to just sit in my living room with my mother, and watch stupid movies.
I had lost myself somewhere, and I didn't know how to get it back. Time with Logan just made it worse, because every act that was so anti Rory made me feel worse and worse. Every event 'she' went to where 'she' would drink and dance and be around people that normally I would mock with mom, made me disappear.
I was doing better between Logan and Kyle. I had time to think and remember. I was working all the time and trying to prove to my bosses and to myself that maybe I wasn't cut out to be a journalist, but an editor was my calling. I knew that I could show the world that I had worth.
I have friends and I would go out occasionally, but nothing that merited much news. And then I met Kyle and suddenly I thought that this was my chance. He was something I could get used to. He liked adventure and fun and he loved to make me laugh, but there was never any fire. And with Kyle, all that progress I had made, disappeared in the time we spent together.
I wasn't miserable, but I wasn't happy and I couldn't shake the feeling and when he said he had the offer of a lifetime, and we would start our married life together in Paris, I found my out. A way to end this charade.
I sighed and got up and got ready for work, thinking about my plan to take some time off. I knew that Ethan wanted me to do this new author's book, but I couldn't imagine me surviving yet another tale of how this guy had conquered the man and figured out how to trick everyone around him.
But as I walked into the building I could tell something would be different. It wasn't the building. No little elves changing the structure as I was asleep. There were no changes in the staff and certainly there wasn't anything that was really different.
People seemed to be happier, excited and they were all talking to each other. Even Janet, the bitter temp who would spend most of her time writing in her blog about the injustices of office politics which mom would read every day and comment just to infuriate her, seemed happier. She even waved to me.
Maureen chased me down and handed me a coffee and messages. 'Ethan wants you in his office yesterday, Lane Kim called to tell you she is in Tallahassee so not to call the police and your mother called to let you know that there is exactly fourteen Doose's in Connecticut.'
I shook my head and thanked Maureen and sat down while I waited for Ethan to walk into my office. There was no point going to his office, since he was never in there anyways. I was proven right by Ethan storming into my office in a whirlwind of activity. Most people thought he was an intern on the phone. He was just very excited about things.
'Kid, this is the biggest break that our company has ever had. This author can give this company the press we need.' Ethan handed me a file. 'This kid is mildly successful, and people flock to his books. This new one, I just got a small glance at one of the chapters, and I have to tell you kid, it was enthralling.'
I looked down and there it was. The name. Jess Mariano. I just stared at the name in black print, and it seemed odd that there was no indication that this was such an occasion. How could people not know that this Jess, the one who was a successful writer, once held my heart in his hands?
'You ok Rory? Your face is paler than normal?' Ethan brings me out of my fog and I smile. 'Don't worry about this Ethan; I will make sure that he is taken care of.' I smiled at him and he started to laugh.
'I can't believe that we have this chance.' Ethan laughs again and shakes his head and leaves my office, and I just stare off into space. I would get to see Jess again. That far off what if scenario maybe not so far off.
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Jess got a message from the assistant of his new editor and let him know that she will have some suggestions for what needs work on. Normally he didn't really mind editors ripping apart his work, but this was a personal project, and he resented that someone would find fault in his memoriam of his wife.
He knew as a writer that he needed to be able to accept other people's criticism. Especially editors who wanted what the writer wanted. A great book.
Normally, Sarah would be apart of this process. She would sit and read through his new pages and she would sit for hours with those black plastic glasses she always wore, and then after she was done she would tell him honestly what she thought. A lot of their fights were because of her need to be realistic and honest with her opinions.
Jess smiled at the thought of Sarah just giving him this look whenever he would get testy and she would just wait for him to calm down. Eventually he saw that she was right. She had a natural gift for seeing the potential of a passage even before it was finished. And now he was alone in this.
Sarah's brother had come to visit him. Henry was 19 and just starting out in the world and he and I had sat in my living room and he asked me if I thought my life would be different if the baby survived. At first I wanted to punch him, it was almost cruel what he asked me, but I realized he was just asking me a question. I didn't answer him, but it's not like I didn't wonder.
Had the baby survived, I would have been still grief ridden and in a dark place, but there would be something to distract me from the nights, and I would have something forever of Sarah. And then I would doubt that a child could make me feel any better.
And with that I wrote down a thought, an idea. Is life better with somebody, or is it easier going at it alone?
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Jess sighed when he got the call that his mother wanted to see him. He hadn't really seen her in a few years, ever since she and T.J embarrassed him in front of Sarah's parents. It almost made him want to run away from Sarah and the life they were building, but he figured that this was a test to see if she really did love him.
She laughed and said everyone had things they may think are embarrassing, but really his mother was just like any other mother, had to embarrass her son. She had been gracious and warm to Liz, but after that he hadn't felt the need to talk to his mother.
She only found out about Sarah this past week. Through Luke probably, who he visited a few times of the year. The train was packed and it was thick with the odours of life for the new Yorkers on this train.
The walk from the station to his mother's temporary apartment wasn't too far and when he got there, his mother opened her arms to him. 'Jessie!' She hugged him and he tried not to cringe.
'Luke told me about Sarah, I'm so sorry.' She pinched his cheek and then dragged him to the couch where T.J sat and was playing with a yoyo. 'When did it happen? Are you ok?' she asked him and he sighed. 'A year and a half ago, I don't really want to talk about it Liz.' He tried to say and Liz just looked at him.
'You never talk to me about things happening in your life.' Liz said and he just shook his head. 'You weren't interested for a long time, and when you finally did, it was too late. I raised myself with some help with Luke.' She looked hurt and he sighed. No man, no matter the circumstances liked to hurt his mother.
'Look Liz, I can't talk about it alright? I can't say the words out loud, and pretty soon you can find out as much as you want when I finish my book on her. I wanted to honour her. There even Luke doesn't know about that.'
Liz watched T.J play with the goddamn yo yo and I didn't understand why I came here. 'Look Liz, I just came by to tell you that I am alive and trying to adjust.' She just shrugged. 'You know I found out from Lorelai that you dated her daughter, I kind of knew, but then I met her at her wedding, and I figured out that this was the girl you left when you came back for that short while.'
I sighed. And suddenly I paused. Rory got married. 'So you met her?' I asked and Liz just chuckles. 'Yeah she didn't look too happy to get married, I guess I was proven right about it. She got divorced under a year, but you should have told me.' Liz says and I sigh. 'Well I gotta run, I need to get back for a meeting, so see ya later Liz.' I leaned and kissed her cheek and nodded at T.J who had been mysteriously quiet.
I walked to the station and thought that my visit with Liz could have gone better. I could haven o been sullen when I got there, and I could have explained better why I didn't want to talk about Sarah.
This time the train was not so packed and he got to sit down. The train moved in a rhythmic motion and he heard a cell phone ring and there she was. Maybe 5 years ago he would have approached her. He could see it in his head, it would be just as bitter sweet as it had been the last time he saw her.
He remembered what his mother had said, her marriage had broken up, and she looked so forlorn now, and he figured she hadn't seen him so he got up and approached her. Things with her wouldn't ever be to the point he had hoped for when he went to visit her in Hartford.
She looked shocked and looked around he figured he would say hi, but when he looked at her, and in her eyes, they were so full of hurt and he saw the lost little girl he had seen when he had come back to tell her he loved her.
So instead of his intended words, a simple phrase of you're beautiful came out. Jess was just as surprised that this came out of his mouth. And Rory had looked at him and she shrugged. 'So this is it?' She asked and he shrugged.
Jess turned and walked away and sat in his spot before and when he closed his eyes, he saw Sarah's face and suddenly he felt guilty. Guilt for speaking to someone who wasn't his wife.
Author's Note: Well this is the new part, and sorry it took so long to get out. My best friend goes to Art school in New York and I had to spend some time with her before she goes back. Damn New York being so far from Toronto. Hope you guys like it, and I really appreciate your comments and I think about what you said while writing, so criticism is welcome!
Adios!