A picture of the BFG-9000, firing a green plasma shot, appears on the screen, with the words, "BFG-9000".
ANNOUNCER
Our feature presentation, 'The BFG 9000', will not be seen at this time, so that we may contain the following fiery disaster.
INT. WARTIME TRENCH - EVENING
Two soldiers are crouching in the trench, cowering. They are ALASDAIR (12), a white boy with brown hair, and an Asian girl STEPHANIE, (12). ALASDAIR slowly looks up.
ALASDAIR
Seems quiet.
STEPHANIE
(Nervously) Are you sure?
ALASDAIR
(Impatiently)
Of course I'm sure. Do YOU hear anything up there?
STEPHANIE
No...
ALASDAIR
Then the coast is clear...
STEPHANIE
I got a bad feeling about this.
ALASDAIR
(Rising to his feet)
Don't be scared, you chicken. Go up there and look for yourself.
STEPHANIE
(screaming) No! No! You go!
ALASDAIR
No, you!
STEPHANIE
You!
You!
ALASDAIR
STEPHANIE
(angrily)
You can't tell me what to do! You're not a sergeant! We're both the same rank.
ALASDAIR
But I am team leader, remember? (beat)
And I say you have to go up.
STEPHANIE
(groaning) Oh, man.
(beat)
Do I have to? I'm kind of nervous.
Alasdair reaches into his pocket and pulls out a coin, balancing it on his thumb.
ALASDAIR
Tell you what... (beat)
We'll flip for it.
STEPHANIE
(staring blankly at him)
What?
ALASDAIR
I said, we'll flip for it. Heads, I go up. Tails, you do? Okay?
She stares blankly at him, but he pays no attention.
ALASDAIR
Okay, I'm starting.
He flips the coin and both kids watch as the coin flies through the air and lands down on the dirt. Stephanie crouches down to get a good look at the coin.
STEPHANIE
(recoiling in horror) Oh, my gosh!
ALASDAIR
What is it?
Alasdair crouches down, gets a good look at the coin, and stands straight back, pumping the air.
ALASDAIR
(enthusiastically) Yes! I lost!
STEPHANIE
(exasperated) And I won!?
ALASDAIR
Yes...
(beat)
...Now get up there and scout out the area!
STEPHANIE
(hesitantly) Okay...
She slowly rises to her feet and walks towards the ladder.
ALASDAIR
(assuringly) Don't worry...
(beat)
...You should be okay. It's all quiet.
She ignores him and slowly-hesitantly, climbs up to the top of the ladder, peering over the parapet.
ALASDAIR
See anything?
STEPHANIE
Hold on...
Stephanie climbs over the parapet and disappears on the other side. A faint whizzing sound is heard, followed by a loud otherworldly screech.
ALASDAIR
(concerned) Stephanie?
Ow!
STEPHANIE
(loudly)
Stephanie leaps over the parapet, grabs onto the ladder, and jumps back down in the trench, rubbing her bum.
ALASDAIR
(shocked)
What happened, Steph?
STEPHANIE
(stammering) That... That... Thing!
ALASDAIR
(confused and impatient) Which thing!?
Jump Cut to a brown humanoid figure with red eyes, spiked shoulders, and glowing red eyes. He looks down at the trench, and jumps up onto the parapet, brandishing a fireball.
IMP
Screeech!
ALASDAIR AND STEPHANIE
(off-screen) Aughhh!
The Imp rears back, screeches again and throws the fireball down into the trench.
Intro music plays along with Intro scene.
FADE OUT
FADE IN
INT. LINK SET - AFTERNOON
Two asian ladies, MARICAR AND GRACE, both in their early twenties and wearing dresses, are sitting on the risers, with a man in his late thirties, in green armour and a matching helmet with a yellow visor, looking at an ipad. This is DOOM GUY.
MARICAR
(looking uneasily at Doom Guy and speaking with a filipino accent)
Hi, everybody, and welcome to another edition of 'You Can't Do That on Television'.
GRACE
(getting up, waving, and speaking in a filipino accent)
(MORE)
GRACE (cont'd) Hi, my name is Grace and...
(beat)
(pointing to Maricar)
...This is my sister, Maricar.
Enter ROSS, stage mananger, a fifty-ish man with a receding hairline, wearing a headset and carrying a clipboard. Both Filipinas look up at him, and then at Doom Guy.
MARICAR
(nervously)
Hi...
ROSS
Hello, Maricar and Grace. (beat)
I see you've met one of our guests.
GRACE
Who's he?
ROSS
(To Doom Guy)
Hey! Introduce yourself.
Doom Guy looks up at Ross, and then at the camera. He waves at the camera and then looks back down at his ipad.
ROSS
Okay...
(beat)
...Girls, we have guests today. (pointing to Doom Guy)
...This is Doom Guy.
MARICAR AND GRACE
(confused) Doom Guy!?
ROSS
(sniffing in the air)
Why does it smell like something's burning?
Enter Alasdair and Stephanie as they stagger in, wearing army shredded army uniforms and exhuming smoke. The two filipinas stare at them in shock. Grace and Maricar look to be about the same height as Alasdair and Stephanie.
ROSS
(flabbergasted)
What the heck happened to you two?
Stephanie motions behind her. Doom Guy looks up, casts aside his ipad, and stands up . He towers over the kids and filipinas, being about the same height as Ross. Enter Imp, screeching and flashing his claws.
ROSS
Oh, another one of our guests.
Doom Guy reaches behind him and pulls out a shotgun, cocking it. Ross turns around, staring at Doom Guy. The filipinas recoil in fear, as do the kids.
ROSS
Hey! Put that away! No fighting on the set! Save that for later.
Ross looks at Doom Guy, and then at Imp. Both of them stare each other down, with neither budging, while Ross tries to keep the peace. Enter VANESSA, staggering in, but she looks strange. She has dead sunken-in eyes, dishevelled hair, and decaying skin.
ROSS
(desperately to Vanessa) Vanessa, thank goodness. Can you help me out here!?
VANESSA
(moaning) Rarghhh! Oohhhhh!
ALASDAIR
(shocked)
Vanessa! What happened to you?
VANESSA
Rarghh! Ooohhhh!
Doom Guy turns around and aims his shotgun at Vanessa. Ross runs up to him and grabs his shotgun. Doom Guy shoves him back and re-aims his shotgun, pointing it at Vanessa.
ROSS
No!
Imp throws a fireball at Ross, hitting him in the bum. He turns around to face Imp, who is preparing to throw another fireball.
ROSS
Ouch!
(beat)
Water you doing?
Water pours down on Ross from above.
ROSS
(sputtering angrily)
I said, 'What ARE you doing'?
ALASDAIR
(to the camera)
Can we start the show now? (beat)
Before things get crazy over here!
INT. BLIP'S ARCADE - AFTERNOON
A satyr-like monster is playing at an arcade machine. This is BARON OF HELL. The machine he is playing at is called, 'Marine Smash'. The monster is so engrossed in the game that he doesn't notice as Blip as he walks up behind it.
BLIP
(enthusiastically) Yes! Smash another marine!
MACHINE
Bzzt! Game over!
BARON OF HELL
(angry trumpeting bull-like cry)
Aughhh!
BLIP
Come on, man! Don't be discouraged! Put another quarter in and try again!
Baron Of Hell shakes the arcade machine, wrenching it free from its bolts. He lifts it high above its head and faces Blip.
BLIP
(annoyed)
Hey! Put that down! Don't be such a sore loser! That machine costs more quarters than you put in, you know!
BARON OF HELL
Aughhh!
BLIP
(nervously)
Okay, calm down! Let's talk about this!
Aughhh!
BARON OF HELL
Blip runs away as Baron of Hell throws the arcade machine at him. The Baron then raises one of its claws above its head, causing the claw to glow green.
BARON OF HELL
Aughhh!
The Baron of Hell throws a green fireball towards the camera.
INT. BARTH'S BURGERY - AFTERNOON
Alasdair and Grace are sitting at a table, eating their hamburgers. Grace takes a bit into her hamburger, puts it down, and stares at it with uncertainty.
ALASDAIR
What's wrong, Grace?
GRACE
(uncertain) This hamburger...
(beat)
...It don't look good.
Alasdair bites into his hamburger, spits out a piece, and drops it back down onto the table.
ALASDAIR
I know! This hamburger is burnt! It's so burnt that I can't eat it.
GRACE
Let's tell the manager...
BARTH, a scruffy-looking man wearing a chef's hat, peers out of the kitchen window, holding a spatula.
BARTH
Baaah! I heard that!
Grace takes the two hamburgers and waves them in front of Barth.
GRACE
Can we get new burgers please?
BARTH
(confused)
What's wrong with them?
GRACE
(exasperated) What!?
(beat) They're burnt, see?
BARTH
(dismissively) That's not my fault!
ALASDAIR
What? Why not?
GRACE
Are you the manager? Let me speak to the manager!
BARTH
I AM the manager!
GRACE
Then talk to your cook! These hamburgers are not properly cooked!
Barth recoils and then looks back behind him. He then looks back at Grace and Alasdair, shaking in fear.
GRACE
What's wrong?
BARTH
(nervously) Uhhh...
What?
GRACE
BARTH
(loudly)
Don't insult my cook! (beat)
He doesn't like people saying bad things about his cooking!
COOK
(off-screen) Roarrrr!
Uh oh!
BARTH
Barth ducks out of sight as the door leading to the kitchen swings open. Out comes the 'cook', a large, shambling
green-eyed behemoth walking on sturdy elephant-like legs. Wires protrude from its back, connected to two flamethrowers grafted onto its arms. This is MANCUBUS.
GRACE
(to mancubus) You are the cook!?
Mancubus shambles over to Grace and Alasdair's table and raises his arms as he stops. Grace stares at him, horrified. Alasdair looks at him, then at Grace, unsure what to do.
MANCUBUS
Roarrrr!
The flamethrowers shoot out flames, striking their table as both Grace and Alasdair jump over the partition to safety.
EXT. EXECUTION SQUARE - AFTERNOON
Maricar is tied to a post with her arms behind her. KAPITAN, a spanish military officer with a handlebar moustache, stands right beside her, brandishing a rapier.
KAPITAN
Okay, amigos!
(beat) Ready...
(beat) Aim...
Wait!
MARICAR
(desperately)
KAPITAN
(lowering his sword)
What is it?
MARICAR
(calmly)
Have you thought what you would do after you have killed me?
KAPITAN
(scoffing) No! Should I?
Yes. Why?
MARICAR
KAPITAN MARICAR
One day, people in this country will rise up for the way you have treated me and other people. They are not going to take you hurting them anymore.
KAPITAN
(gruffly)
Are you threatening me? Because I can send you back to the Phillipines...
(beat)
...One piece at a time.
MARICAR
(boldly)
Then may the Lord repay you according to your works.
AMIGOS
Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
KAPITAN
(laughing)
You hear that, Amigos? Her imaginary Lord...
Kapitan steps up in front of her, grabs Maricar's hair, and pulls her head up such that she has no choice but to look directly into his face.
KAPITAN
What is your Lord gonna do to me, Girl?
MARICAR
(calmly)
Send you to a very hot place.
KAPITAN
(mockingly)
Oooh, the hot place. The place where imps get to poke me in the butt.
A faint whizzing sound is heard. A small fireball appears on screen, striking Kapitan in the butt.
KAPITAN
(rubbing his butt and turning to face the amigos)
Yow! I didn't say to throw your fireballs...
IMP
(off-screen) Screeech!
Gunshots are heard as Kapitan screams in pain and slumps down to his knees, while Maricar chuckles.
MARICAR
(painful moaning)
That is one sneaky Filipina...
INT. LIBRARY - AFTERNOON
The LIBRARIAN sits at the desk, staring intently at Vanessa. Vanessa just stares blankly at him.
LIBRARIAN
Can I help you, young lady?
VANESSA
Braiiins! Braiiins!
LIBRARIAN
(typing into computer)
You can find books on that in the 'human body' section.
VANESSA
Soul! Souls! Souls!
LIBRARIAN
(typing into computer) You can find that in the 'metaphysics' section.
VANESSA
(louder)
Braiiins! Sooullls! Brains! Soouls! Rarrghhh!
LIBRARIAN
(annoyed) Quiet! (beat)
I told you where to find those books. Now go and search quietly.
VANESSA
(louder) Rarrghhhh! Raaaaa!
Vanessa lunges at the librarian, trying to bite him.
LIBRARIAN
(horrified)
No, wait! Please! Gaaah!
INT. WRESTLING RING - AFTERNOON
Stephanie stands in the middle of the ring, with her hands on her hips. She wears white knee-high laced boots and a black-and-white bathing suit. The REFEREE stands nearby.
REFEREE
This match is scheduled for one fall...
(beat)
...Introducing first...
(motioning towards Stephanie)
...Standing in at four feet nine inches tall and weighing in at one hundred pounds...
(beat)
...Hailing from Ottawa, here is Stephanie Chow.
Stephanie straightens up, with her arms stretched out to the side and her feet together like an olympic gymnast, smiling.
REFEREE
And her opponent!
Enter REVENANT, a really tall skeleton covered in blood from head to knees, as he walks towards the centre of the ring, grinning at Stephanie. He also has a jetpack attached to his back. His torso is also covered in armour.
REFEREE
(cont'd)
He stands in at seven feet tall and hailing from the netherworld...
(beat)
...Here is Revenant.
REVENANT
(loudly) Aughhh!
Both Stephanie and the referee shudder. Stephanie backs away as the bell rings.
STEPHANIE
(nervously to referee) Is there some...
(beat)
...mistake?
REFEREE
Hey! I didn't make this match! I just oversee it.
Revenant just stands in the middle of the ring, grinning at Stephanie while she looks over Revenant.
STEPHANIE
(shrugging)
Oh, he's just a skeleton... (beat)
...And the show must go on, so this should be a piece of cake.
Stephanie charges towards Revenant, performs two front handsprings, and throws herself at him, grabbing onto his waist. He doesn't budge.
STEPHANIE
(struggling) Come on! Fall!
Stephanie pushes and pushes, but Revenant is quite strong for a skeleton, as he does not budge.
REVENANT
Aughhh!
Revenant raises his right hand and slams it down on Stephanie's back, driving her to her hands and knees.
STEPHANIE
Ack!
He pulls her to her feet and pushes her back. Then, wasting no time, he pummels her with his fists, knocking her flat on her back. The referee cautiously approaches Revenant.
REFEREE
Keep it clean, Revenant.
Revenant ignores him as he walks over to Stephanie, as she slowly gets her to her feet. He grabs her by the back of her bathing suit and lifts her high above his head like a weightlifter lifting weights.
STEPHANIE
(terrified)
Help! Please! No! Put me down!
Revenant spins a completely helpless Stephanie around in the air with his hands, slowly at first, then faster and faster. He then slams her face-first onto the mat.
REVENANT
Aughhh!
Revenant turns her over to her back using just his foot. As soon as she's on her back, Revenant leaps up into the air and performs a double-stomp on Stephanie's stomach, causing her to wheeze and sputter.
STEPHANIE
(pleading) Please, stop.
(beat) No more!
Reevant turns around and places his foot on Stephanie's chest. Referee lies down.
REFEREE
(slaps mat)
One!
(beat, slaps mat)
Two!
(beat, slaps mat)
Three!
The bell rings and Revenant poses by flexing his 'muscles'.
REFEREE
(uneasily)
Here is your winner... (beat)
...Revenant!
REVENANT
Aughhh!
Revenant turns his attention to the referee, who's now backing away. He runs as Revenant bends over and fires a rocket straight at him.
INT. CLASSROOM - AFTERNOON
The PRINCIPAL, wearing spectacles and a suit, stands in front the blackboard, carrying a couple of books. Doom Guy sits at a desk in the middle of the room, alongside Imp.
PRINCIPAL
(sternly) Okay, you two...
(beat)
...For detention, you will both copy, word-for-word, pages two through ninety-nine of these dictionaries.
Imp and Doom Guy stare at him blankly.
PRINCIPAL
No! Don't give me that! (beat)
You two are here for fighting. It's time that you two get along. We all have to respect our differences, whether we are demons or humans!
The Principal hands both Imp and Doom Guy a dictionary each, but they just take them and nonchalantly flick them right back at the principal.
PRINCIPAL
(horrified) What!?
(pointing at both Imp and Doom Guy)
You two are suspended.
They both get up and face each other.
IMP
Screeech!
Imp throws a fireball at Doom Guy and he lunges at Imp in response, throwing fists while Imp slashes at him with his claws.
PRINCIPAL
Stop! I order you both to stop!
Imp and Doom Guy continue to fight. Imp throws a fireball at the principal, causing him to run out of the classroom in fear.
INT. LOCKER ROOM - AFTERNOON
Six lockers stand in a row, each with a different colour. The words, 'You Can't Do That on Television' are written across all six lockers. The first locker from the left opens and Alasdair peers out.
ALASDAIR
Hey, Maricar!
Third locker opens and Maricar peers out, facing Alasdair.
MARICAR
Yes?
ALASDAIR
Is Grace your sister?
MARICAR
Yes...
ALASDAIR
How old are you two?
MARICAR
(chuckling)
Why?
ALASDAIR
Just curious.
MARICAR
We are both in our twenties.
ALASDAIR
Why are you two in a kid's show?
MARICAR
(beat)
I don't know...
Slime pours down on Maricar from above, covering her hair and the upper part of her dress.
MARICAR
(astonished) Aieee!
ALASDAIR
Just want to have some fun with us kids, huh?
MARICAR
I think so...
(beat)
...I think, yeah! I am a nanny, after all.
ALASDAIR
I don't think we need a nanny. Ross does a good job of that all on his own.
MARICAR
Okay, then, we want to try out new things, okay?
ALASDAIR
(thoughtfully nodding) Makes sense.
Maricar and Alasdair sink back into the lockers, closing the doors behind them. The second locker from the left opens and Stephanie peers outside, looking to her right.
STEPHANIE
Hey, Alasdair!
The first locker opens and Alasdair peers outside again.
ALASDAIR
Yes, Stephanie?
STEPHANIE
Did you know that I got a cool new Halloween lantern?
ALASDAIR
(confused) Halloween lantern?
(beat)
Isn't it too early for Halloween?
STEPHANIE
Oh, you can have this lantern all year round!
ALASDAIR
(credulous) Really?
STEPHANIE
Yeah, and it's also my pet!
ALASDAIR
(incredulous) What? A pet lantern?
STEPHANIE
Yeah, it squawks like a parrot and it's always flying.
ALASDAIR
And?
STEPHANIE
It's always on fire... (beat)
...And it has horns and it smiles at everyone, like a skull!
ALASDAIR
(thoughtful) Hmmm! Cool!
Stephanie looks at the camera, jumps up in fright and sinks back into the locker, closing the door behind her. Enter LOST SOUL, a fiery floating human skull, makes a beeline towards Stephanie's locker, crashing into it.
LOST SOUL
Awkkk!
ALASDAIR
(astonished)
Is that your lantern, Steph?
Alasdair sinks back into his locker, closing the door behind him while the lost soul floats about aimlessly. Not even two seconds later, Alasdair opens his locker again, peering from behind the door.
ALASDAIR
Hey, Grace!
The last locker from the right opens up to reveal Grace peering out from behind the door.
GRACE
Yes?
ALASDAIR
They like jokes back in the Phillipines, right?
GRACE
(chuckling) Yeah...
ALASDAIR
Okay...
(beat)
...What is red, has only one green eye, is always smiling, has lots of teeth, flies, is always flying, has horns, and hisses?
GRACE
(confused) Anong?
ALASDAIR
What does 'anong' mean?
GRACE
In my language, it means, 'what'?
ALASDAIR
(louder)
What is red, has only one green eye, is always smiling, has lots of teeth, flies, is always flying, has horns, and hisses?
GRACE
I don't know...
Slime pours down on Grace from above.
GRACE
Aieeee!
ALASDAIR
Well, try to find out because it's right in front of you!
CACODEMON
(off-screen) Sssssss!
Alasdair jumps up in fright and sinks back into his locker, slamming the door behind him.
GRACE
Aieee!
Grace sinks back into her locker and slams the door behind her. As she does so, a lightning ball flies towards her locker, hitting the door. Enter CACODEMON, a round spherical horned head with red scales. We only see his back.
CACODEMON
Sssss!
LOST SOUL
Awkkk!
INT. LINK SET - AFTERNOON
Vanessa is shambling towards Maricar, with murder in her eyes.
VANESSA
Rarrgh!
MARICAR
(holding her hand up in front of Vanessa)
Stop in the name of the Lord!
Vanessa is stopped in her tracks, as if an unseen force is holding her back. She's still glaring at Maricar, trying to grab at her.
MARICAR
(looking around calmly) Anyone have a gun?
Enter Alasdair and Stephanie as they rush onto the set.
STEPHANIE
Why? What's going on?
ALASDAIR
(upset)
Don't you dare hurt Vanessa! She's our friend!
MARICAR
No! The devil has her now. We have to put her body to rest.
ALASDAIR
But you don't kill.
MARICAR
I can kill the devil...
STEPHANIE
(screaming) VANESSA'S NOT THE DEVIL!
Vanessa's still clawing at the air, trying to get at Maricar.
ALASDAIR
Hey! Know what this means?
STEPHANIE
(to Alasdair)
What?
ALASDAIR
Opposite sketches.
SCREEN FLIPS
INT. PREVERT HOUSEHOLD - ALASDAIR'S BEDROOM - AFTERNOON
Alasdair is sitting at his computer, typing away. MRS. PREVERT, a red-head in her late forties, walks into the bedroom.
MRS. PREVERT
(in a sweet voice) Good afternoon, Alasdair.
ALASDAIR
(engrossed in his computer) Hi, Mom!
MRS. PREVERT
Alasdair! I have a surprise from you.
ALASDAIR
(turning away from his computer)
Oh? What is the surprise?
MRS. PREVERT
(enthusiastically) We got you a pet!
ALASDAIR
(whining)
I don't want a pet!
MRS. PREVERT
(sternly)
Alasdair! Don't be difficult!
ALASDAIR
But pets are alot of work! They'll mess up the house!
MRS. PREVERT
Oh, that's okay...
ALASDAIR
But, Mom...
MRS. PREVERT
(sternly) No 'buts'!
(shouting behind her) Okay, Dear. Bring it in.
ENTER MR. PREVERT as he pulls on a leash, albeit with great difficulty.
CACODEMON (O.S.)
SSSSSSSSS!
MR. PREVERT (GRUNTING)
Come on, you silly thing!
CACODEMON
(angrily) SSSSSSS!
ALASDAIR
(nervously) What is that?
(beat) A snake?
MRS. PREVERT
No, Dear. It's...
MR. PREVERT
Aaah! Run for your life
Mr. Prevert drops the leash and runs down the hallway past the bedroom as a ball of lightning chases him.
MRS. PREVERT
(stammering)
Okay, Dear. Just talking nicely to it... Just... Just...
Enter Cacodemon as it floats in front of the bedroom door with a leash around its head.
ALASDAIR
(startled) That's my pet?
MRS. PREVERT
(frightened) Uhhh, yeah!
(beat)
We just need to work together to house train him!
Cacodemon turns to face Mrs. Prevert and Alasdair, grinning malevolently. He has red leather scales, lots of sharp teeth, horns, and a single green eye in the centre.
ALASDAIR
(nervously) Nice...
(beat)
...Thing.
Cacodemon's single eye glows and he opens his mouth, belching out a purple ball lightning towards Alasdair. Alasdair ducks out the way and the lightning ball hits his computer, causing it to explode.
ALASDAIR
(horrified) No! My homework!
Cacodemon belches out another ball lightning towards him, but it hits the floor, barely missing his feet as he jumps back.
MRS. PREVERT
(wagging her finger at Cacodemon)
Bad demon! Bad demon!
Cacodemon spits out another ball of lightning, this time towards Mrs. Prevert, as she screams in horror while Alasdair ducks under his desk, cowering.
INT. DUNGEON - AFTERNOON
Enter NASTI, wearing a monocle and a german military uniform, carrying a jack-in-the-box. Grace is chained to the wall.
Good news! What?
NASTI GRACE
NASTI
You're free to go.
GRACE
(surprised) Really?
NASTI
(unlocking Grace's handcuffs) That's right, young filipina! You are free to!
(beat)
Free to go to the beach with nice juicy hamburgers, boys and...
GRACE
(rubbing her wrists) And what?
NASTI
(motioning towards the
jack-in-the-box down on the floor)
And a present for you.
GRACE
For me? What it is?
NASTI
Open it and see.
GRACE
(warily) I don't know...
Slime pours down on Grace from above.
GRACE
(shocked) Aieee!
NASTI
(giggling) Ha! Ha!
GRACE
I don't like that box. I don't think it's good.
NASTI
(seriously) Open it!
GRACE
(pleading)
No, please! I don't want a present! Do anything to me! Anything! Just don't make me open that box!
Nasti walks over to Grace, grabs her arm, and forces her to her knees.
NASTI
(gruffly) Open it!
Grace looks up at nasti with fear in her eyes. She looks down at the box and nods. Nasti lets go and Grace turns the crank. The box pops open and Lost Soul comes flying out.
LOST SOUL
Awwkk!
GRACE
(fearfully) Aieeee!
Grace gets to her feet and runs off-screen. The Lost Soul flies after her.
NASTI
(to the camera)
Torture by gift! How creative of me!
INT. WRESTLING RING - AFTERNOON
The referee stands in the middle of the ring, alongside Maricar, who is wearing a green polka-dot bathing suit, black shorts with matching boots.
REFEREE
This match is scheduled for one fall...
(beat)
...Introducing first, from Mindanao, Phillipines, she stands
(MORE)
REFEREE (cont'd)
in at five feet tall and weighs in at one hundred one pounds...
(beat)
...Here is Maricar Salazar!
Maricar poses like an olympic gymnast.
REFEREE
And her opponent...
Enter Revenant, who grins malevolently at her while she backs away.
REFEREE
He hails from the stygian depths of the netherworld...
(beat)
...Here is Revenant.
REVENANT
Aughhh!
The bell rings. Revenant takes one step forward and socks Maricar in the face, knocking her down to the mat.
REVENANT
(posing) Aughhh!
Maricar slowly gets to her feet and slowly approaches Revenant. She eyes him nervously while he stares at her blankly.
MARICAR
(motioning for him to come) I have to tell you something...
Revenant stares at her blankly, and then glances over to the referee, who merely shrugs.
MARICAR
Come! I want to tell you something! After I tell you it, you can punch me again!
Revenant walks over to Maricar and bends down on one knee. Maricar leans over to Revenant, whispering something to him.
REVENANT
(painfully) Aughhh!
Revenant recoils and takes a few steps backward. His bones shatter and he falls flat on his back. Maricar giddily skips over to his prone body and places her foot on his chest. The referee lies down, adjacent to Revenant's head.
REFEREE
(slapping the mat)
One!
(slapping the mat)
Two!
(slapping the mat)
Three!
The bell rings and Maricar backs away, posing like a gymnast.
REFEREE
Here is your winner... (beat)
...Maricar Salazar!
Maricar jumps up and down in excitement. Then she falls to her knees, with her hands clasped together.
MARICAR
(quietly)
Thank you, Lord, for my victory!
The Referee walks over to Maricar.
REFEREE
(tapping Maricar's shoulder) Psst! What did you whisper to him?
She whispers is his ear and he recoils.
REFEREE
(shocked) You crazy fanatic!
EXT. EXECUTION SQUARE - AFTERNOON
Doom Guy is tied to the post, wearing his armour and helmet. He stares straight ahead, his vision obscured by the visor. Kapitan stands right beside him, brandishing a rapier.
KAPITAN
Ready!
(beat) Aim...
(to Doom Guy)
Feel free to beg for mercy!
Doom Guy turns his head to face him.
KAPITAN
Don't you have any last words?
Doom Guy continues to stare at him. Kapitan throws down his rapier in frustration.
KAPITAN
You know, you're not a normal guy, you know that? Everyone I have ever executed begged for their lives!
Literally every single one! You! (beat)
You're just standing there, all silent like! Say something.
Doom guy continues to stare at him. Kapitan stomps over to him until he is right in front of him, obscuring his helmet.
KAPITAN
Tell you what, I'm going to remove your helmet. It's time to see who you are.
Kapitan works to remove Doom guy's helmet.
KAPITAN
(while removing the helmet) Strange kid you are. Not afraid of anything. Not afraid of the dark, monsters, fire...
Rifles fire and the all the rounds hit Kapitan, who slowly slumps down to his knees. Doom Guy still has his helmet on.
KAPITAN
(moaning)
Outsmarted by a guy that doesn't talk. I don't believe this.
EXT. HELLSCAPE - AFTERNOON
The sky is blood red and small flames dot the ground. A large boiling, bubbling cauldron sits in the middle of the hellscape. In the cauldron is Stephanie, wearing a
black-and-white bathing suit with Imp standing nearby.
STEPHANIE
Excuse me?
Imp has his back to Stephanie, ignoring her.
STEPHANIE
(louder) Hey, you! Mister!
IMP
(turning around) Screech!
STEPHANIE
(pleading)
Can I get out of here? (beat)
Please?
Imp throws a fireball and it hits the rim of the cauldron.
STEPHANIE
Ack!
Imp turns around, with his back once more facing Stephanie.
STEPHANIE
Hey, Mister...
(beat)
...Wanna join me? Water's warm.
IMP
(turning around) Screech?
STEPHANIE
(playfully splashing) Come on in! The water's warm.
As Stephanie splashes around in the cauldron, Imp approaches the cauldron, walking closer to it.
STEPHANIE
(teasing) Come on!
Stephanie flicks a bit of the brew in Imp's face.
IMP
(painfully) Screech!
Stephanie gracefully leaps out of the cauldron and onto the floor. Burns cover her legs as she stands on her tiptoes on the burning ground. Stephanie then pushes Imp into the cauldron.
IMP
(screaming) SCREEECH!
STEPHANIE
(mockingly)
Ha! Ha! See how you like your own pool!
INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE - AFTERNOON
The doctor sits at his desk, staring at Vanessa, who sits at other end of his desk, staring back at him with a blank expression.
DOCTOR
So, what seems to be your problem?
VANESSA
Rarghhh! Roarghhh!
DOCTOR
I see...
(beat)
...And how long have you been feeling this way?
VANESSSA
Rarghhh!
The doctor leans forward, studying Vanessa.
DOCTOR
(thoughtfully)
Hmmm. Grey skin, sunken yellow eyes...
VANESSA
Brains! Souls!
DOCTOR
(dismissively) Yeah, yeah...
VANESSA
Rarghhh!
DOCTOR
And no ability to talk...
VANESSA
(louder) Brains! Souls!
DOCTOR
Okay...
(beat)
...You have a case of Convertus Zombieitus!
VANESSA
(growling) Rrrrrrarghh!
DOCTOR
My recommendation for you is to eat a brain. That might make you think and gain some useful memories...
Vanessa leaps up from her chair, over the desk and grabs the doctor. She starts biting him.
DOCTOR
(terrified)
No! Please! I didn't mean my brain! No! Stop! Please! Back to reality! Quickly!
SCREEN FLIPS
INT: LINK SET - AFTERNOON
Alasdair and Stephanie look around nervously, and then face the camera. Maricar and Grace stand alongside them.
ALASDAIR
(calmly)
That's it for 'You Can't Do That on Television'...
Enter Doom Guy as he walks up behind them, pumping his BFG 9000, a large metal gun.
STEPHANIE
(turning around, startled) Ack! What is that?
Enter Vanessa, along with Imp, Baron of Hell, Cacodemon, Lost soul, Revenant, and Mancubus. Doom Guy aims his BFG 9000 at them as Stephanie, Alasdair, Grace and Maricar duck behind Doom Guy.
Rarghhh! Sssss!
Aaaahh!
Enter Ross.
VANESSA CACODEMON BARON OF HELL
ROSS
(trying to restore order) Hold it. No fighting on the set. Stop right now!
(beat) All of you!
Doom Guy does not even look at Ross. He just stares at the demons, keeping his weapon aimed. Cacodemon, however, spits a ball of lightning at Ross, which lands just short of his feet, causing him to duck behind Doom Guy.
ALASDAIR
Don't kill Vanessa! She's our friend.
Doom Guy shoots at the demons, which fires a big ball of plasma.
No!
ROSS
(horrified)
The plasma shot hits the demons. Screams fill the air as the screen.
FADE TO BLACK
ANNOUNCER
'You Can't Do That on Television' has been a hellbound production.