Series Title: - What the Eye Doesn't See…
Author: - Katt
Rating: - PG (R eventually)
Pairing: - McShep
Feedback: - Like it or loathe it let me know
Disclaimer: - I own nothing, intend no infringement – please don't sue me.
Author's Notes: - A series of song fic which look at each episode of the show through slash tinted glasses. The song "Amsterdam" is performed by Coldplay and written by Berryman/Buckland/Champion/Martin.
My Star is Fading – Rising 2 (John's POV)
"Come on, oh my star is fading
And I swerve out of control
If I, if I'd only waited
I'd not be stuck in this hole.
Come here, oh my star is fading
And I swerve out of control
And I swear I waited and waited
I've got to get out of this hole
But time is on your side
It's on your side now
Not pushing you down and all around
It's no cause for concern
Come on, oh my star is fading
And I see no chance of release
I know I'm dead on the surface
But I'm screaming underneath."
Squeezing the trigger John felt the recoil from the P-90 jolting his shoulder as round after round found its target. It wasn't the standard paper silhouette he was seeing though. Instead he visualised that red-haired bitch. He visualised the bullets reducing that monstrous visage to pulp. With each squeeze of the trigger he tried damned hard not to see Colonel Sumner's wizened, aged face. Although he was pretty certain that those desperate eyes silently begging him to end it would become a new feature in his nightmares.
It wasn't as if he didn't have enough memories to fuel his subconscious. Christ knows that fiasco in Afghanistan when he'd lost Mitch and Dex had never been far from his dreams. Dreams filled with screaming metal and screaming people, burning flesh and blackened bodies were not going to be the only dark images stalking his psyche it seemed.
Squeezing off another few rounds John wondered briefly what else would be joining Afghanistan and Sumner in the days and months to come, and he shuddered.
Maybe it was him. Some fucked up bad karma that didn't rebound on him, but rather on those around him. That made him think of McKay. One of the main reasons he'd decided to come to Pegasus was some kind of hero-complex he seemed to be suffering from making him think he could protect the scientist. Maybe he was just going to have the opposite effect and get the other man killed instead.
John could feel rage and despair, black and poisonous, welling up inside of himself and he had to fight against the urge to scream. Instead he crushed the darkness down and held himself even tighter wanting, needing, to feel in control.
"And time is on your side
It's on your side now
Not pushing you down and all around
It's no cause for concern
Stuck on the end of this ball and chain
And I'm on my way back down again
Stood on a bridge, tied to a noose
Sick to my stomach
You can say what you mean
But it won't change a thing
I'm sick of the secrets
Stood on the edge
Tied to a noose
You came along
And you cut me loose."
The skin on the back of his neck prickled as he sensed another person enter the room. He hoped it wasn't another of Sumner's men come to look at him with that mixture of disappointment, blame and suspicion that he was getting used to seeing on their faces. Ignoring the intruder John continued to fire at the paper target in front of him until he'd sliced it neatly in half.
Letting his P-90 rest against his chest he smoothly unholstered his 9mm and stepped sideways to take up a firing stance in front of the next target and it was then, in that moment of silence that seemed sharper and more acute because of all the previous noise, that he realised who the other person watching him was – McKay.
With that knowledge came some loosening of something deep inside him, some tight knot that twisted itself through his soul. McKay didn't speak and John was glad. Just knowing that the other man was there was enough. Just knowing that he wasn't alone made a little of the anguish he felt at Sumner's death ease a little.
"You came along
And you cut me loose
You came along
And you cut me loose."