Touch
By Dan'yu
The whole thing felt surreal.
Is this even real…?
Neji watched her in the pallid glow from the candlelight, the room's solitary illumination, as she slowly untied the obi around her narrow waist, loosening her kimono enough to allow the fabric to fall to her hips, baring to his eyes the smooth expanse of her back. She glanced at him hesitantly over her shoulder, her jade-white still downcast, her lips parting with some unspoken word.
I feel so…disconnected…
He felt dizzy, even a little ill, the air in the room suddenly stiflingly hot where seconds before it had been cool against his bare upper torso. He swallowed against the dryness in his throat, and began to move toward her.
Is this even happening? Please tell me this isn't real…
He was not imagining any of it, how ghostly pale she was, the way she refused to meet his eyes. It was not his delusion at her shying away from him as they both finished undressing and he joined her in the bed, the fear in her eyes at he levered over her enough to turn his stomach. It was not a virgin's trepidation she regarded him with as she stared up at him. It was the blatant revulsion of bedding with an unwanted lover.
Please…please…I don't want this to be real. This isn't what I want…I've never wanted this. I just wanted to be her friend, not her lover…
He never kissed her as a lover would, only someone who cared for her, keeping the contact gentle and chaste, meant more to soothe her than arouse her. She relaxed ever so slightly, but she was never the soft and pliant maiden in his arms, but instead a wary, capitulating girl.
God…God, if you can hear me, please make this right. She doesn't deserve this…how could he do this to us…how could they do this to us? Are we just pawns in their game?
She felt so small, so fragile as he held her, as if any wrong word or movement, even an out of place breath would break her. She felt like a doll in his arms; especially with the inches he had put on in his last growth spurt, he dominated over her, massively strong and intimidating. Her tears crushed his heart as he tried to be slow, tried to be gentle, but she was not the only inexperienced one, and his touches were harried and fumbling, painfully awkward as his body joined with hers.
She's just barely sixteen, still just a child! How can they do this? How can I do this…? Hinata…I'm sorry…
There was no pleasure as he moved instinctually, only a deep ache inside that felt so basic, so primal that it made him feel empty, hollow of anything but the mindless need for release, and the sensation sickened him. He heard her whimper softly, and he was sure she stopped breathing all together for a few seconds as a moment later she clung to him, shaking and gasping for air.
His body gave in of its own accord, tensing and shuddering as he climaxed, his startled moan disguised as a muffled oath against her tender skin as he buried his face in the crook of her neck, breathing hard, just enough coherent thought left in his mind to stop him from collapsing against her lest he crush her tiny frame.
No matter what we wish…what I wish…we are now…man and wife…
Cautiously, she raised one hand to softly touch his hair, smoothing stray dark locks back against his forehead, offering him a weak smile. Their eyes met and he slipped his arms around her. She accepted his embrace, and that night, they held one another close, appearing more like frightened children clinging to each other than new lovers basking in afterglow.
"Somehow," she whispered to him, as they lay together, "Somehow we'll make this work, Neji. We have to."
"Somehow," he reiterated as she stroked his hair gently in a way that reminded him strangely of a mother's touch. He wondered if she really would be a mother soon, if his seed had taken in her womb. That was what Hiashi-sama had wanted after all, by marrying the two of them. That was what had been demanded of them, the reason they had bedded together this night. How sad it was, that they had to bring a child into such a clan.
"Somehow, Hinata-sama, because we are both stronger than they think. They can not break us so easily.'
And he held her hands within his own, pressing a kiss to each palm, almost reverently. His touch was not a lover's touch, but rather that of a friend, a confident, a partner. He was still her beloved Neji-ni-san, but he was her husband as well, the consort to the future mistress, a man who would both serve her and serve beside her.
She gently touched his face, tracing the fine line of his jaw, and she thought that perhaps their somehow could become a someday. That maybe, someday, the feeling between them would grow into something more, that someday the simple words and touches between them would have deeper meaning.
Someday…perhaps someday. For now, he was not a lover, but he was a friend. A friend she desperately needed as he wrapped her in his arms and held her against his chest, lulling her to sleep with the strong, steady beating of his heartbeat.
No matter what he was, he was still Neji. And that was enough.
Owari