AN: Thank you for your reviews! Please keep them coming - they really mean a lot and make a huge difference to me!

As a response to one of you: I haven't explicitly said anything about Covid, but I guess I'm ignoring it. Not bothering to go into masks and restrictions etc.

Self-medicated, just partied a lot so the absence was not as sharp, I don't think it matters. Call it what you want. What matters is that it didn't develop into a bigger problem, and since he was then just freshly married on the surface he had good reason to celebrate. Inside Logan had other reasons too.

Honestly, I am not so much after you feeling Logan's grief but just seeing him adjusting with another type of absence now, and a lingering sense of loyalty. Logan can't just be in Boston if things work out with Rory, he needs to be there regardless of that outcome - Rory needs to see proof of that. Em is the priority.

And to others: I know you are dying for some positive developments between ROGAN but realistically - it's been just barely two weeks. It wouldn't be realistic (as realistic as a fanfic can be). There's a way to go, but I promise lots of other types of sweetness and loving-from-afar moments until then. Logan needs to rebuild himself too. Try to enjoy the slow burn. :)

Chapter 15

While the day had begun hesitantly, the mood had soon been lightened considerably by Rory's stories - some of which even Em knew to put in a word on. The latter was freaking adorable, causing both Logan and Rory to exchange meaningful glances, as they were holding back their laughter. They hadn't really ever been given that moment before - that moment of realization that genetically they'd created that cuteness. So what if that moment happened while they were in the car, Rory behind the wheel.

Like any child Em had had her share of little quirks growing up - more specifically a love for all things mango flavored and a love for the soundtrack of Addams Family, providing Logan a generous laughter trying to picture that.

Em had been an early walker and an early talker, which had made a lot of things regarding her upbringing both tricky and easy, respectively. Rory had gotten lucky with Em's teething being a fairly easy process, with most teeth coming in at once, so she had been the mom other mom's envied for many such developmental milestones. She hadn't had it quite as easy with sinus infections and having to do some trial and error with foods while they'd been worried she might have an allergy, which had been kind of stressful, but in the end had turned out to be a reaction to a new detergent instead.

Baby topics, which Logan had supplemented with a few of his own stories about Honor's kids, had smoothly transitioned to talking about music, however. Rory's playlist had changed quite a bit from the Sonic Youth, Franz Ferdinand, and Belle and Sebastian inspired options to artists whose repertoire included things a little bit more smooth and dreamy - Sean Angus Watson, Roo Panes and Nina June being prominent on her playlist. This had provided Logan further things to muse over - Rory really had changed a lot and he couldn't help but to wonder whether he had changed equally much but just didn't realize it. He also wondered - Could the essence of people even change or just their external properties?

The farm was indeed popular that Sunday, a parking lot full of visitors, children giggling and… goats bleating. There were tractors and historic farm equipment on display for the kids and the large piles of pumpkins could already be seen from afar. By the office building there were carts of apples, beverages and pastries on sale.

"So how do we go about this?" Logan asked, wanting to just observe and follow along the tradition Em and Rory seemed to have in this place. Em had already hopped towards the animals ahead of them.

"We usually go do a round of tasting, she pets and feeds as many animals as she can, while I enjoy my coffee and then as the final thing we load the car up with as many pumpkins as we can manage," Rory explained.

"So you do drink coffee?" Logan smirked, being not at all surprised by her intent to decorate for the upcoming season wholeheartedly.

Rory laughed.

"Yes, I still drink coffee," Rory replied, rolling her eyes. She'd pretty much expected him to note that sooner or later. "I just don't drink as much - I can do with less, it's better for me," she explained.

"Uh-uh," Logan commented, taking in the response, realizing this was perhaps close to that earlier minefield. He was dying to know about what had happened with Lorelai, but he knew this was not something she was eager to share and probably not the best subject to dissect with Em around anyways.

They went ahead with tasting apples, getting a small lecture on why apples are so different, told in a way that Em was actually quite interested in the story.

"Here's that Honeycrisp that you like, Em!" Rory noted, holding up a bite of apple for her. Frankly, seeing Rory eat so much healthier was a fresh sight too, even after the of lunches they'd already shared. But she looked indeed happy and healthy to Logan.

Rory herself was sampling Mountain Rose and Flowers of Kent, having an interest in those one rarely found in regular shops.

"This one is pretty good," Logan commented, having taken an interest in one variety called Issac Newton.

"Um… it is good," Rory commented as she munched on the one Logan had recommended. "We should get some to take back," she suggested, leaving Logan feeling a little too gleeful for the fact that they'd agreed on something trivial like that.

Em wanted to get some hot dogs while Rory opted for some kettle corn, and they finished their meal off with warm cider donuts. Since the farm setting really wasn't something they'd ever embraced like this before - not fifteen years ago nor later, it was kind of refreshing.

Since Em was a quick eater, she was soon enough again hopping around the nearby playground with other kids leaving the two to observe their surroundings with coffee.

"Is it just me or I don't really hear you asking about my history much," Logan wanted to point that out. "I told you you could. I'm just curious why you're not asking… is it that you don't want to know or?" Logan decided to ask a question that had been bothering him. "Even talking about Em, like we did in the car before, kind of felt like you just wanted to get it over and done with earlier," he added, unsure if he was asking for trouble.

The old Rory would've just gotten upset, and spit out that knowing hurt too much. It had for a while - during 'Vegas', the obscurity of their arrangement had been easier to deal with.

"I guess it's kind of like I don't know what to ask so I don't dig up anything too painful - for you and for me," Rory said, trying to put it lightly. "I'd maybe like to think that your time in London was horrible, like I maybe tried to picture myself before Em was born to excuse what we'd decided. But I realize it probably wasn't that black and white," Rory said, the other part of his question making her actually regretful.

"Growing a business isn't half as interesting as raising a child, that's for sure. And while I can talk about O, I don't think you really are too interested in her anyway," Logan replied.

"I stopped following you, you know. I have no clue what the media wrote about you during this time. You could have six children across the ocean for all I know," Rory explained.

"Well, so did I. It was pretty essential for trying to move on. I promised I'd try," Logan added, without specifying whom he had made that promise to. "And no, there are no children," he added, not that he seriously believed she'd think that.

"Can I just ask one thing?" Rory said, turning towards him as they sat on some straw bale, bending her leg under her.

"Absolutely," Logan exhaled.

"Were the e-mails I sent... Was it good that I sent them or...did it make it worse?" Rory asked.

"Ugh..," Logan sighed, feeling the heaviness of the question.

"Because you never replied to any of them. At times I even thought that maybe you didn't want them anymore or maybe you didn't even get them. So I almost felt like I was writing them to some imaginary baby-daddy somewhere… like I made you up. I thought about stopping but I didn't want you to think I'd forgotten," Rory added.

"I'd be lying if each time one of them popped into my mailbox it wasn't a painful reminder. It was the price of living the life that I was living - sometimes when things were bad, it gave me a moment to reflect how right the decision had been, other times it didn't seem worth it. Sure, it stung. It made me feel selfish and cowardly… They forced me to think about her... and you. But I never wanted you to not send them. I just didn't know what to reply to them - if you even wanted me to. That would've been a whole conversation and I didn't want to risk you stopping them," Logan explained.

Rory inhaled sharply, trying to not get emotional.

"A 'thank you' would've been nice. Just to know you got them," Rory admitted, her eyes turning a little red, struggling to keep her composure.

"Hey, I'm sorry. I realize I have so many things to apologize for - to you, to Em… even if it was part of the deal, it was still me who agreed to it. And I am not sure it matters now, but - thank you for sending them. I wouldn't even have known where to find you otherwise…," Logan replied, desperately wanting to touch her - hug her, hold her. Her letters and pictures had made Em real to him, even if he was carrying all that guilt and regret - she hadn't just been some abstract kid somewhere he'd done this for, but someone specific, someone he could imagine getting bothered by the press or insulted by her mother. Thinking about those negative scenarios helped, he'd never wanted Em subjected to something like that.

"It was just so lonely like that. Me alone with the secret…," Rory admitted, looking up, barely holding herself together. "And I know you had the same situation. But just…," Rory blabbered. Her hand was visibly shaking, having not really touched upon such raw emotion in a while.

Logan wanted to say that he'd always thought Lorelai had known... somehow he'd assumed. But then again he too hadn't told Rory that Odette had known.

"Just breathe…," Logan instructed, knowing that Rory really didn't want to cry with Em around. And together they took several deep breaths, just like in the past when Rory had had her panic attacks. This wasn't the case now - but the technique worked its magic still, allowing her to calm herself.

Rory blew out air through her mouth and inhaled through her nose, closing her eyes for a moment.

"That's it," Logan commented, seeing her whole body relax.

Rory hadn't expected this overwhelming sense of calm to wash over her with him right there, his voice soothing her.

"I am sorry, Rory," Logan assured, as her eyes opened.

It was feeling she'd tucked underneath it all for a long time - that she had felt alone with her secret while she hadn't been alone in the present.

"I'm sorry… for this…," Rory said, referring to herself as the mess she was apologizing for. She hadn't unraveled like that in years. She knew that emotions were better out than in, but to her this just felt like taking several steps back to where she'd come from and worked on overcoming - breaking down like this, especially in front of Logan wasn't something she had wanted to happen.

"You feel what you feel...," Logan assured. Logan could remember a number of times he'd felt like pushing that 'Reply' button but hadn't, thinking she wouldn't want to hear from him. It had been because of how fiercely he felt she'd pushed him away during their meetings and calls, keeping all of her emotions, beyond the rambling, to herself when they'd talked between New Hampshire and that day they'd signed the papers in New York City.

"And it's not about getting the stories about Em over with…," Rory admitted, feeling like she needed to explain too.

"It just made me think whether after you're done telling them - all that we'd be would be distant old friends to whom to pass over the child to upon pre-agreed upon times or something…," Logan confessed.

"First of all, I don't think stories about her are going to dry out any time soon. Each day is a new story with her," Rory began, taking another deep breath as they turned again to watch their daughter play. "But I do worry… about if I know how to be friends with you, I've never known how to be friends with you…," Rory admitted.

Logan hadn't realized how deeply her hesitance would touch him, until she'd said those words. It was exactly how he felt. Even in the very beginning there had always been this tension, it was there now. But because he knew that this wasn't just about the two of them anymore - this was about Em, he couldn't just reply to that with a catchy, seductive, one-liner like he perhaps would've on automatic.

"Well.. neither do I. But we're doing it now, aren't we?" Logan tried to sound optimistic, that signature smirk of his that Rory knew so well, appearing on his face. "I think we've both proved in the past five years that we're capable of learning new things so why shouldn't we be able to do this," Logan said and shrugged.

"I guess," Rory replied.

"So you're not trying to get rid of me?" Logan just needed her assurance.

"No. I'm just… cautious," Rory admitted, truthfully.

"You have every right to be," Logan replied, and he was beginning to get that too. Under any circumstances did he want to hurt that little girl by messing this up.

"It must be pretty weird being in a new city, starting fresh like this," Rory commented, having regained her calmness by now. She'd mentioned settling in a little earlier in the car as well - having to find new routes for his runs, getting his place set up and so on.

"It is. It kind of feels like a holiday - but being in Boston in October - what kind of holiday is that? And I get it - it's not a holiday, it just feels like it sometimes. But I guess now that I am out of a hotel room things should start to fall into their places. It just gets a little lonely working from home and not really knowing many people," Logan explained, knowing that 'many people' was an overstatement. "I just need to reinvent myself, I guess," Logan shrugged.

"Well..," Rory began, inhaling deeply, having not really planned on doing this. But she was understanding and she didn't want Logan to sit alone in his empty apartment either. "If you want to meet some people, you're welcome to join us on Saturday. We're going to Carrie Nation, and maybe karaoke or something later," Rory suggested.

The corner of Logan's mouth rose on that thought. But still - he just hated that he was always waiting for her to invite him anywhere. He just felt like he initiated anything like that she'd just take it the wrong way.

"It's your birthday, right?" Logan asked, nearly having forgotten about it. He wasn't perfect.

"Hush - didn't your mother never teach you to not mention such things to women after a certain age," Rory scolded him playfully.