18. A Helping Hand
Astoria looked out the window, again. And yet again, no one moved in the darkening garden. No Harry walking back from the beach or running, trying to run from his waking nightmares, or even walking slowly trying to get a closer look at the peacocks. No Harry at all.
Harry hadn't showed up to lunch, tea, or dinner since that evening where he had grabbed the Dark Lord's hand and looked so surprised, so shocked, that he had done it. The Dark Lord had told her that he had spoken to Harry that night, but she didn't know more than that. And now it was three days since she or Draco had seen him.
Something felt wrong.
No, it had always been wrong. To expect a war hardened and weary man to be able to live among enemies after such a long and bloody war. To simply marry him off to the enemy leader and expect that to work out. She had tried to befriend Harry, tried to show him that he had a place here, and people he could talk to, even if he couldn't trust them. At least not yet. Draco had done the same. They both had decided to help him as best as they could, even before they had talked about it together. Draco had made it sound like he was on the fence, but her husband had wanted to befriend Harry Potter since before the day they first met, so that was a lot of nonsense. They had decided to give Harry what they could of friendship and comfort, even before The Dark Lord asked them, not told them, to consider being friendly, if not friends, towards his soon to be husband.
So, they tried, and she could see Harry react to their friendliness, even though she could also see, almost feel, his misgiving. He was always cautious, always on guard. And she couldn't blame him one bit. To live like this, among enemies, married to the man that killed your parents, not able to trust anyone to not attack you, not able to trust anyone to have your back … She shuddered just to think about it. Harry was a stronger person than she was, because she would never have been able to agree to the marriage, much less follow through.
Draco and she had really tried to help, and the Dark Lord himself hadn't been antagonising towards Harry as far as Astoria had observed, but still … She hadn't been surprised in the least when the obvious signs that Harry suffered started to show. It hurt to remember the dull eyes and the shaking hands, or the hoarse voice. She knew, by personal experience, how much screaming was necessary to get a voice like that, and how much it hurt to drink and eat, or sometimes even to talk. She guessed, but didn't know, that it was more than old trauma and memories that haunted him. Even more than just living among enemies.
She just didn't know what. Or what she could do to help.
She sighed and turned towards the room. It was a drawing room made out in red velvet and dark wood. It was Draco's favourite drawing room and right now it held quite a lot of people. Her eyes landed on the Dark Lord where he stood, talking to Fenrir Greyback, Rabastan Lestrange and Germain Bandini. Bandini looked slightly ill at being in close proximity to the werewolf, but he held fast. The Dark Lord had his glamour on, as he always did while there were people about that didn't live in the Manor. Even people that had been in his Inner Circle, like she had been. Like she still was and always would be. She touched her left arm and the Dark Mark beneath the material of the grey robe she wore. She knew what the Dark Lord looked like, she knew how and why his appearance changed, and she knew what could make his lips twitch with humour or how his eyes could light up when he was presented with a suitable task to solve.
All of that was new, the change had happened about a year ago. Subtle at first, but now it was impossible to miss, unless you were a complete and utter idiot. She didn't know how or why, but the Dark Lord had changed, and Astoria felt it was undoubtedly for the better. With these changes, there had been one other that it had been impossible to miss, and now it was staring her in the face. No, not staring, glaring.
The Dark Lord had some kind of soft spot for Harry Potter. She still remembered, vividly, the evening he had told her that he wanted to marry Harry Potter and seal a peace treaty with their marriage. She had been so relieved, so overjoyed, by the two words 'peace treaty', that it had taken her several days to wonder about the marriage part. The first few months, even while working hard towards the peace treaty and making the Ministry accept that they would have to give up much, including Harry Potter, to get the peace they all wanted, she had assumed that Harry would be a sacrifice. As harsh as that was, she could live with that thought if he made the choice himself. One man to end the war, before the war ended all of them.
Let the Dark Lord finally kill Harry Potter like he had tried for so long and let there be peace.
Then she noticed the way her Lord spoke of Harry. Like Harry would be with them for some time if he accepted the marriage, and she grew cold. A fast Avada Kedavra was one thing. Months and years with torture and humiliation among enemies? She didn't wish that on anyone, even though she didn't stop working against that goal even for a minute.
Then, after Harry had accepted, the Dark Lord made it clear to her that there was something going on, a lot more than she could guess, when he asked her about a suitable place to live with his new husband. He could build one, in time, but they needed one right now. She had offered him a wing of Malfoy Manor without hesitation, and he had taken some of the elves to redecorate three suites in that wing. He had taken as much care with Harry's rooms as he had with his own. Soft furniture and carpets, deep jewel colours everywhere, including the art on the walls. Enough light and air to suit anyone. He even stocked the bathroom and the study with everything one could want in those rooms. And when she mentioned Dobby as an alternative to Harry's personal elf and offered to try and find him, the Dark Lord had not only acquiesced to her offer, but he had also thanked her for coming up with the idea!
There was a lot more going on than Astoria knew. Even now when it had been three days since she had seen Harry and a small voice in the back of her head tried to tell her that maybe he was dead, maybe the Dark Lord had killed him, she didn't really believe it. Not really. Because the Dark Lord has shown more concern towards Harry then he had ever shown anyone else, including her. He had talked to Harry after Harry almost burned down the morning room with Fiendfyre and killed them all. Talked, not punished in any way. And he was more willing to listen to Harry's thoughts and ideas, then to anyone else's, again including her.
Astoria couldn't help but be pleased about it. It made it seem like the Dark Lord wanted a partner in his marriage, and not a puppet.
Right now, she didn't know where Harry was or how he was. She hoped he was in his rooms, and she suspected he felt absolutely awful, if his declining health, both mental and physical, had been anything to go by, but even if he were in his rooms … She couldn't go and speak to him without permission, not when Harry hadn't been seen in three days.
Decided, she crossed the room, stopped four steps away from her Lord and bowed low. She would remain in that bow until he noticed her and told her to rise. No need to crawl or kiss his robes anymore, even kneeling was only for when real offence had occurred. Not that she had done a lot of crawling at any point. She knew her place and her job, and she was very, very good at it. Not like other people she could mention, that deserved to do a bit of crawling in their stupidity.
"Astoria?"
It had taken less than four seconds for her Lord to see her and give her his attention. She smiled towards the floor, before she wiped the smile off her face and looked up. She saw the question in her Lord's eyes while he did a small gesture to let her straighten up. Draco looked at her from across the room, one pale eyebrow raised. Greyback sneered at her, while Bandini looked worried and Lestrange looked at her like he often did lately, like something disgusting he had found under his shoe. Apparently, she might have to remind him who was the strongest of them, who was the best duellist and who had the most of their Lord's regard. While she didn't mind doing that, she did mind the reason for why it was necessary.
Astoria stepped away, letting her Lord lead the way to a corner before she raised a privacy charm.
"My Lord, I apologise for the intrusion on your evening, but I worry for Mr. Potter. I haven't seen him in days, and he was very ill the last time I did see him. May I seek him out and see if I can help him in any way?"
The Dark Lord scrutinised her for a few moments while she calmly met his eyes, and then he nodded.
"He is worse than the last time you saw him, but I am unable to get through to him, and unable to help him because he refuses to have me near. I am getting to the point where I will have to force him to accept help, whether he wants to or not. But if you could get him to talk to you, to see if there is any way for him to accept the help, without forcing the issue … That would be appreciated."
Astoria could feel herself pale. "Worse … my Lord?"
He had looked like he was dying on his feet the last time she saw him. Not starving, necessarily, the potions from Draco had helped, but still dying.
"Yes, worse. He is not able to take any potions because they do not stay down. He is able to drink just enough water to not thirst to death, I believe, at least for the moment. I do not believe he has slept much at all since the last time you saw him. Be careful."
He might be delirious. He might try to attack you, was what her Lord didn't say.
"I see. With your leave, I will go right now."
"Do that."
It took everything in Astoria not to run towards the wing and the rooms where Harry was, and then she carefully knocked on the doors to Harry's suite and carefully opened the door while announcing herself in a clear, but not too loud, voice. Harry wasn't in the dark sitting room and at first glance, she didn't think he was in his bedroom either, but then she saw a glow in the corner. She blinked, but the golden and black glow remained there, in the corner.
Slowly she went towards the glow, and the man with his back pressed against the wall. At first, she wanted to breathe a sigh of relief, he didn't look too bad, not like she had imagined. Then that glow got stronger, a wave of gold and black washed out of him, struck a barrier, and was sent back. He flinched, but absorbed the wild magic, and then sparks danced around him for a moment and disappeared.
Astoria wanted to gasp. To fall to the floor crying. To throw up.
The man that had taught her duelling cards, that had smiled at her, that had teased her, that had healed her; he was no more than skin, bones and hollow eyes. She wasn't certain how he could even be alive.
The wave of magic took another circuit, out of Harry, crashing against the barrier and then back into Harry, followed by the sparks of magic around him.
"Harry?" She knelt outside the barrier he had raised to keep his magic away from everyone else. "Can you hear me?"
At first, she thought he couldn't. He stared into the air with dull, green eyes. Then, slowly, so slowly, he turned his head and looked at her with those dull eyes.
"You can hear me?"
"Yes." It was a croak with a hoarse, destroyed voice.
"What is happening, Harry?"
He just stared at her.
"Harry, please. You cannot go on this way, you have to share the burden and let us help you." She swallowed. "Please. You are dying, please, tell me what I can do to help."
"Nothing." He was labouring to talk and to breathe.
Astoria did a fast diagnostic charm and had to force her dinner down at the result. Harry's body was on its way to shut down completely. A few hours more and the damage would be irreparable.
"Harry, Harry, you are dying, literally dying in front of me. There must be something I can do to help! Or the Dark Lord …"
"The fucking bastard did this to me!" He shouted and then began coughing, gasping for air for several moments before filling his lungs again.
Astoria almost wanted to deny it, because the Dark Lord had said that he would help Harry, even if Harry didn't want help. Why would he decide to help if he was the one who made Harry suffer? But then, there were many reasons and many ways to bind someone to you. And none of them truly made for equality. Maybe the Dark Lord did want to be married to a puppet, after all, just a different kind than Astoria had thought of, or known of.
Surprisingly, the thought made her sad, and disappointed. She had never really been disappointed in her Lord before. Why go through all this … Why give Harry some freedom, some kindness, some hope … and then just take it away in the worst way possible? Why this kind of torture?
"Harry, tell me what is going on, and then we will find a way to solve it, if not today, then another day. We will make this better, we will make this work, I promise."
"You can't … promise something like that … Not when your bastard Lord is behind it." Harry showed her his teeth, they were bloody from his torn gums. A fanatical, hateful light sprang up in his eyes for a second, and then died. "And it's not possible to change … to make it better. I know that much."
"Alright. Tell me what's happening. Tell me what's going on. Share the burden, and maybe it will not help what is happening to you, but you won't be alone anymore. I will help you, if only with my presence when you need it, or with words or with distraction. You are dying, and the Dark Lord said that he will get you the help you need, even if you don't want it, so tell me, and let's figure out a way to deal with this."
Harry looked at her for a long moment.
"If I tell you, he might kill you for knowing."
She got to her feet without hesitation. "I will ask him to come and tell you what you may and may not tell me. If he does that, will you then tell me, will you let me help in any way I can?"
Again, he studied her with those dull eyes. Dull, desperate eyes. Hopeless eyes.
"Yes."
"Do you promise?"
"I promise."
Astoria had never been so close to running through the Manor in her life, screw decorum. She kept it in check, barely, and found her way to the drawing room in haste. Apparently, she did screw decorum a bit anyway, because she ripped open the door and made enough noise that almost everyone was looking at her when she practically marched across the room. No one spoke, no one tried to stop her. And when the Dark Lord turned to see where everyone was looking, he began walking towards her even before she really drew close.
She stopped and let him lead out of the room before he waved her up beside him.
"He really is dying," she said when they were far enough away from the drawing room to not be heard by anyone there. "His body is hours away from total collapse. I tried to make him tell me what was happening, to help him in any way I can, even though he is convinced that the actual problem is impossible to do anything about."
"There is nothing to do about … the problem," the Dark Lord confirmed.
Astoria flinched and could feel him rifling through her thoughts. Finding her sadness over the situation, and her disappointment in him for doing this to Harry.
"I'm sorry, my Lord!" She started kneeling, but he stopped her with a touch on her shoulder and they continued towards Harry's suite. "I simply do not understand your actions. I'm sorry for my thoughts."
"What caused this, happened years ago, Astoria, many years ago, and there is no possible way to solve the situation once and for all. The only solution is to deal with it. And Harry is the one who has to deal with the worst of it, unfortunately. It will not be easy for him, and I appreciate that. That does not mean that I will let him die because of it."
"I understand, my Lord, and I'm sorry for my doubts. May he tell me what is happening, so I can be there for him, at least, and maybe find some way to make things easier?"
"If you are willing to take that burden, and he is willing to talk, then yes, he may."
"He promised to tell me if you told him what I could and could not know. He worried that I would be killed for knowing."
"He must already care somewhat for you, to acknowledge and care about that fact. He may tell you everything he wants to tell you, but if he tells you all, then I want a vow of silence from you afterward."
"Of course, my Lord."
They reached Harry's suite, but the Dark Lord stopped in the drawing room.
"It is best if I do not come too close, at the moment."
Astoria nodded. "What may Harry tell me, my Lord?" she asked in a clear voice that Harry would be able to hear. She saw him on the other side of the bedroom, watching them.
"He may tell you anything he wants to tell you. If he tells you all, I will demand a vow of silence, but that is all."
"Thank you, my Lord."
The Dark Lord left, and Astoria went to sit by Harry on the floor.
"Please, tell me Harry."
"You might regret knowing."
"If it can help you; then no, I will not regret it."
"It can't help me. Nothing can."
"Not with the problem, no, but with handling it, so you aren't so alone."
He hesitated. "It happened years and years ago. I didn't know. He didn't either. He found out not so long ago. It started all this, the marriage and the peace, I mean. I still didn't know, until that night, two or three nights ago …"
"Three nights," Astoria said with a low voice.
He gave her a nod. "He told me then, so now I know too. It was already bad, but it is even worse now. Really, really bad." He closed his eyes and shuddered.
"Can you tell me?" she whispered.
He opened his eyes and looked at her. Now his eyes were wild, haunted, scared.
"Astoria …"
"I'm here. I'm listening."
"I need him. I hate him. I despise him. I do not want him in any way. But I need him. Literally need him. To live."
Astoria had never heard of a spell or a curse or any kind of magic that could do that. Simulate it, maybe, but she already knew that Harry was dying. He really needed the Dark Lord to live. And she could easily see why that had led to this situation. To need your worst enemy that way … That could break anyone.
"And I won't beg him, I won't! I won't crawl to him for help, I refuse! I will not even ask the fucking bastard for help! I will not crawl!"
"I understand." She met his gaze and refrained from mentioning that it sounded like the Dark Lord would do what was required anyway. Harry wouldn't want to hear that right now. He wouldn't be able to believe it, either. "I understand, Harry. If the Dark Lord wants anyone to crawl or beg for him to help you, I will do so in your stead." She didn't even hesitate before offering.
"I would imagine that wouldn't be the same as having his old enemy do it."
"Nevertheless, I will do so."
"I will not crawl to him for help, when he did this to me!"
"You will not have to." She wasn't entirely certain that he could hear her or understand her.
"It's bad enough that he did this! That I have to live with this! That I have to … to be close to him, just to be able to survive!" A dry heave shook his body and a couple of tears ran down his cheeks. "I have to be close to him to survive!" He almost shouted.
The words were so desperate, Astoria felt her own eyes burn with tears. To be this cornered … Astoria could easily understand his desperation. To know that there was no way out, that your worst enemy was the only way to survive and that he wouldn't let you die either. No way out, trapped …
Yes, she could understand his desperation and his rage and his decision never to crawl or beg for the help he very much didn't want.
"I will not crawl! I will not beg!"
Astoria brushed away the tears that had escaped her eyes and met Harry's gaze.
"I will go and tell the Dark Lord right now. You will not have to crawl or beg, Harry. He will have to concede that much, even if he should have wanted you to do so."
"He is the Dark Lord. He rules Wizarding Britain. Why should he ever concede anything?!"
She got to her feet. "I will be right back. We will figure it out, you will see."
She hurried through the bedroom and towards the doors that led to the hallway. This time she really would run to find the Dark Lord. If Harry could accept help, if he didn't have to beg for it, then that was important for the Dark Lord to know. And it was necessary that he knew it now because Harry was getting dangerously close to his deadline.
She ripped open the door out to the hallway but hadn't even begun to run when she saw the Dark Lord by a window a few doors down. He hadn't left. Maybe he hoped that she really could help Harry, that she really could make him accept the help. She didn't know if she had, but she knew that she had to try. He whipped around and stared at her.
"Please, my Lord, he should hear me tell you this."
The Dark Lord was fast, even if he didn't give the impression of running, and soon they again stood in the door to the bedroom.
"You will not be surprised if I tell you that Harry hates this situation and finds it intolerable," she began hurriedly.
"That does not surprise me, no."
"He knows that he needs help, but he doesn't want to ask for it, much less beg you for it. I have told him that if you want him to beg for the help he needs to survive, I will do so in his stead, if you will let me. He doesn't think that you will."
The Dark Lord frowned. "I do not expect him to beg for help. I do not know how I can help him when required, if he refuses to even ask, but if that is what has to happen for him to accept the help, then that problem will be resolved too."
Astoria swiftly bowed to him and went to Harry.
She knelt in front of him. "Harry, did you hear the Dark Lord? Begging and crawling will not be necessary. Did you hear that part? We will even find a way so that you will not even have to ask, when you need help again."
That this wasn't a one time occurrence gave Astoria chills, at first she hadn't even considered that, but she soldiered on.
"We will find a means for you to get the help you need, without even having to ask, I promise."
Harry was staring blindly at her.
"Harry, can you hear me?" She cast a diagnostic charm and read the results exactly when Harry started to seizure. The magic that constantly had been flowing in and out of him, was snuffed out completely and the room went dark. Astoria sprang to her feet and backed away. "My Lord!"
She had been too slow. She should have asked earlier today! She should have asked yesterday! How could she believe that not seeing Harry for days on end could ever have a decent outcome! She should have asked about seeing him before now! Now it was too late!
The Dark Lord was beside her then, ripping down the barrier that had contained Harry's magic and putting his hands on Harry's face and neck. The effect was instantaneous and horrifying. Harry's back arched; his mouth opened in a silent scream and then his body slammed into the Dark Lord. He was clawing at the Dark Lord's back and a desperate keening noise erupted from him.
Astoria backed away. She doubted she could do anything to help now. She only hoped that Harry would survive despite his body collapsing, and despite his attack on the Dark Lord. When she looked back, she caught a glimpse of Harry's face in the light the Dark Lord had conjured. His face was pale as snow and his lips were bloody, but worse than that, while his hands still were clawing at the Dark Lord's back, his bloodshot eyes were empty. Completely empty and staring. Like a doll.
Or like a dead man.
Astoria swallowed hard and closed the doors between the bedroom and the drawing room and then she stopped before the doors out to the hallway. The noises behind her still made her skin crawl and she wondered exactly what had happened to Harry, what the Dark Lord had done that he hadn't known about until recently.
Slowly, she dried her tears and found her composure and left Harry's suite, and the terrible, desperate noises behind.
They had guests. She needed to be a hostess.
And she could only hope that when all was said and done, Harry would still be among her guests.
A/N:
Thank you for the comments, the favs and the follows! They are much appreciated! I love to hear what you think about the story and the characters! It makes writing the story even more fun! Hope you liked Astoria's point of view.
Hope you liked it! Please review!