AN: Rory and Lorelai see each-other for the sake of Em, they visit SH occasionally, and they see Lorelai in Nantucket. But they don't really talk one-on-one. It will be explained more at some point through a flashback.

AN2: This was a hard chapter to write. And I am kind of worried some of you might take this conversation as coming too soon. But I don't know... I kind of felt like they needed it.

Chapter 20

October 9th, 2022

"Listen, I don't know if you feel up to it… but I was actually hoping to talk to you alone, and preferably somewhere not in public…," Logan began, deciding to make good use of the private moment.

He'd been toying with the idea of telling her these things for a while now. But it had indeed been last night, so what if the words she'd uttered had been drunken ones, that had given him that reminder what being with Rory had been like - the essence of it. How she not only turned him on - that would've been way too trivial - but how he also yearned for her approval and presence.

Throughout the day that he'd spent it with Em, he couldn't stop thinking about those times - and the way how much Em reminded him of her. He would always see Rory in Em. This also meant that while he was deeply falling for this little girl, there really didn't seem to be much of a chance for him to be spared for not beginning to feel something for also this new and improved, healed, Rory either.

He wasn't too hopeful - it might've already been too late for them - he realized that. But if there was a chance in hell, and that taking into account and Em would now and forever be put first, that they could in the very distant future evolve into something - not even daring to put a name on it - he needed to clear the air. He couldn't hold onto things now that would come around to haunt him later - even if that was a selfish reason in itself.. He also couldn't hold onto things that were perhaps chewing Rory up inside all this time - things he should've said a long time ago.

"Um, has anything good ever begun with those words?" Rory replied, honestly and hesitantly.

"I've just had a lot of time on my hands these weeks and I feel like there are things that I should tell you, not that these things will change much in the present day. I just kind of feel like I owe you this information and just in case it's not something you're comfortable with, I think it'd be better if I do it like this, not in some restaurant during your lunch break and ruin your day," Logan explained.

Rory cleared her throat, and nodded. She could agree - not everything was lunch-hour conversation or conversation that could be had around Em. Rory headed for the living room, in her mind trying to think of the worst possible scenarios already, feeling like she needed to sit down for this.

Logan followed her lead.

"Well…," Logan took a deep breath. "For starters, I know you never really wanted to hear this. Thinking back I wish you had, I wish I had told you this anyway. And honestly, it has been weighing on me that you never asked me… that you never wanted to know. I just need to clarify that we weren't horrible people for...," Logan began, not quite being articulate enough this late in the day to say what he wanted. Maybe this was a mistake?

Rory was beginning to sense she was indeed not going to like this topic.

"Odette and I, until we actually married - we had an open relationship. She had her flings in Paris, she only ever moved in with me so suddenly because she wanted to get away from one of them. And while I didn't talk to her in length about you she was somewhat aware of your existence….," Logan confessed.

"Why are you telling me this?" Rory asked, sounding confused.

"Because knowing you, at least thinking I know you - knew you… I figured you maybe thought I was cheating on her, that what we had wasn't an affair from my viewpoint.… I realize knowing this probably wouldn't have changed much concerning the arrangement surrounding Emma given the concerns we had, but just… I need you to know that part wasn't anything to be ashamed of. Not that my mother would've ever agreed with that statement but just… that technically whatever it was it was okay," Logan continued.

He genuinely thought telling her this was going to help her. But the response he got was not the one he'd expected.

"Oh, great…," Rory groaned, feeling uncomfortable.

"What? Why?" Logan said, sounding confused.

"Because all you did just now was explain how you're squeaky clean in what was. On your side there was a green light. For me it doesn't change a thing - I was still a horrible person," Rory confessed, sarcastically. She was over-simplifying of course. But actually what had helped her a little over the years was the saying that it had taken two to tango.

This was really not going how Logan had hoped.

Logan still wasn't following, and his impression showed it.

"Because of Paul," Rory added.

Logan barely remembered his name, but he did recall some incoming notification on Rory's phone one time she'd been in London. .

"I figured you were sort of casual," Logan said, regretfully.

"I was, he… not so much," Rory confessed, frankly wanting the topic over and done with.

"Ah…," Logan reacted. "Well… in that case, I am sorry to have brought it up. I wasn't aiming to wash my name clean… But just… in case Em ever asks… it wasn't anything shameful, I guess," Logan replied, groaning internally for lacking a better explanation. He sure as hell wasn't going to be confessing to Rory that he had an ulterior motive - even if the one was a very long-term one.

"But why now, why are you telling me this?" Rory asked, hitting the nail on the head.

"Since the other day… When we had lunch, I just felt like you should know. That I was just stupid for not having told you… that maybe that had contributed to how you were doing… I didn't want you to carry that weight with you," Logan explained, fibbing a little about the timing.

"I've made my peace with it either way. I'm not proud of those times but it was what it was," Rory replied, feeling ready to be done with this uncomfortable topic. She didn't look particularly comfortable either, her hands crossed on her stomach.

"One more thing though..," Logan confessed.

The look on Rory's face was definitely not welcoming anymore. Was this all a big mistake? - Logan thought, feeling like he wanted to undo the entire conversation.

"Yeah?" Rory asked, clearly not liking this.

"Well… technically two, if you'll hear them," Logan pushed it.

"If you insist," Rory said, looking even more uncomfortable - like someone just about to have their teeth pulled.

"Hey - we're supposed to work through difficult things too, but if you'd rather we find some therapist or some mediator to sit down and do this with then…," Logan began, treading carefully, even if it did kind of sound like a threat of some sort. He realized he was playing a little dirty even, but right now it almost felt like it was the only path to take - to hide behind their need to work through old crap like this. He wanted there to not be dirty unspoken secrets between them.

"I'm fine just… not exactly my favorite topic," Rory admitted, reluctantly.

"Okay…," Logan exhaled sharply, gathering himself. This one was even difficult for him to say out loud. "I just want you to know that I did love you and I cared, I still care deeply about you. Having you in my life has always been something I valued," Logan confessed, his chest aching as he said that. Why did that sting the way that it did -still? Like the wound was still so fresh.

Rory looked up, the sentiment clearly making her feel very vulnerable.

"And Odette?" she asked, looking down at her hands, avoiding looking at him too directly.

"I cared about her," Logan admitted, hating the phrasing the second after he'd said it. "We had an understanding," he clarified. "And when it got to the actual marriage we did try and I guess we learned to love in our own way too. Still I think it was always more about companionship, a comfortable coexistence, and I say that with the highest respect to her," Logan explained.

This was visibly hard for Rory to hear. "I'm glad you had that… whatever it was," Rory said, hinting a little that she'd felt very alone at the same time.

"I am too. If anything… It helped me grow. She would joke how by the end we were trauma buddies - all that time in and out of hospitals, in-home injections I would learn to minister…," Logan explained with a low chuckle. Was this playing dirty too?

"I'm sorry...," Rory said.

"But that was not the part I wanted to tell you," Logan said.

"What then?" Rory asked, impatiently, not enjoying the rollercoaster of emotions.

"Apparently, I don't know when… but a couple of months ago she let on that she knew that I had a child. I never asked how she'd found out, but she knew," Logan explained.

"Oh, wow," Rory reacted as she momentarily felt a sense of panic. Even though the feeling was redundant now, it almost felt like something could've happened with that knowledge, something bad. She realized that her and her child's happiness had been in the hands of a woman, a dying woman. But after a second she realized that nothing other than Logan showing up had actually happened.

"She'd apparently carried the secret with her and only told me when she was suggesting how I should carry on with my life," Logan admitted. "And while it might sound like it, it isn't the direct relation to why I am here in Boston now," he added. He hadn't wanted to hide the fact that she'd known from her, in case that ever came up - in some way. H

"Certainly sounds like her words might've had some persuasion to them," Rory pointed out, sounding disappointed.

"Ever since my mom died… along with that my dad lost all interest in proving himself… I think, thinking back, while I wouldn't admit it to myself, from those times I was always just this one push away from writing back, asking for some brief contact…," Logan confessed, for the first time during this night his face showing a lot of emotion. He was fighting tears too now.

"But then Odette got sick and it just felt like I'd be offending her if I did that. So I waited and waited… It's why it feels like I'd be disrespecting her if I take this fucking ring off," Logan excalimed, actually being a little mad at the wedding band. He was carrying a lot of guilt too.

"So I suppressed these things and just carried on. And later because I hadn't contacted you the guilt just got worse and worse, I no longer believed I deserved to, that you'd want me to… That maybe you were better off without me. Yet then I found myself here anyways… because I knew I had to, I just had to, Rory," Logan said, involuntarily raising his voice. His eyes were red already, being just on the verge of doing what real men weren't supposed to.

Rory was beginning to see now first hand how none of it had been as easy, as cold-hearted, as Logan had perhaps let her see five years ago. She'd been too blind to it then.

"Um.. okay…," Rory said, her tone shaking a little. "I'm sorry you felt that way," she added

"I'm just so sorry…," Logan said - he felt like he'd said it before, but the weight he'd been carrying had been heavier than he'd let on.

"Hey…," Rory said, reaching over his hand, and squeezed it.

It was almost on the tip of Logan's tongue to even add how he and Odette had been thinking about kids a few years ago, and how the thought of having one kid in his life and another somewhere, hidden away like this, had felt so incredibly unfair - even to the kids. But right now he just didn't find the strength in him.

"And I am truly sorry if I ruined your night… I just needed to get these things out of the way so whatever way we learn to do this now, in the present, wouldn't be shadowed this..," Logan explained.

"Better tonight than at work, right?" Rory shrugged, trying to wrap her head around all of it.

Logan lightly shrugged his shoulders.

"You know I never quite figured out how you convinced yourself to sign those papers… I mean I knew your reasons and the first time I told you you were still so… the 'do the right thing' kind of guy. And then in a month your 'right thing' changed. I never quite got why you gave in. I knew why I hoped you would, and one time at my therapist's I actually began thinking that maybe you did it for me… I know that is silly. We did it for her, right?" Rory discussed, having not dared to really believe the former.

"Sure, for Em too. But you're not wrong. I did do it for you too…, for you to feel safe, for you to not have to worry and for you to get better…," Logan admitted.

Rory's lips made a grimace, as involuntary tears dripped down her cheeks.

"I loved you, how could I not?" Logan spit out.

Rory tried to exhale out through her mouth, not wanting to be this blubbering freak.

"And no, I am not perfect in this - I am not without fault that I behaved as a victim of my circumstances, that I didn't just turn my life around then despite what you said… But in those months I just knew I needed to save myself too" Logan admitted. He couldn't handle being turned down by her again, even if the question wasn't a marriage proposal. And this was also the reason he was really not hoping for much now. He just… he knew that being around her was going to awaken his feelings. He just knew it.