Chapter 21

November 5th, 2016, Stars Hollow, CT

It had felt like a very long 20 torturously quiet seconds from Lorelai who had barely closed her mouth after it had fallen open the minute Rory had confessed the big secret she'd been carrying with herself for the past two weeks to her mother.

"Mom?" Rory asked, wanting her to just say something. The early morning hour at the gazebo steps were chilly, and Rory was pretty tired already.

"You're pregnant!" Lorelai reflected, still in shock.

"So it seems…," Rory confirmed, neutrally.

"How far along?" Lorelai asked.

"6 weeks... -ish - so it might not even happen…," Rory said, having looked up all the facts she could on early miscarriage. There was a 10-15 percent chance, more that 80 percent of those chances happening in the first twelve weeks.

Rory had been so paralyzed ever since the two lines appeared on the stick that she couldn't really believe it herself. She'd been on birth control, yet it had happened anyway. And now - thinking that something like this, terrifying and miraculous at the same time, had already happened against all odds, she felt she almost couldn't intervene into something as serendipitous by making any decision. She just felt like sitting in a cotton ball and seeing if it really stuck, like she didn't want to be in charge of the decision but let the decision be made by itself.

"And who's…um…?" Lorelai asked, looking confused.

Paul had just texted and Rory had read the text out to her mother, and to Lorelai's knowledge she hadn't been seeing anyone else either. It was with indifference that her mother had treated the whole Paul thing, much more carelessly than Rory had felt about it thinking back - she'd just been paralysed on that front as well.

Rory was under no illusion what her mother was asking.

"Um… I don't know," Rory lied.

"Rory - come on!?" Lorelai insisted, clearly not believing her. She might have had her first one night stand this spring, but she was hardly hopping around from bed to bed - this much her mother at least liked to think she knew, and Rory had definitely not proved her otherwise. That was just not her.

"Surely we're not taking immaculate conception here…," Lorelai rolled her eyes at her, jokingly.

"No, I'm not The Blessed Virgin Mary," Rory replied, dissapointedly that her mother would find this a joking matter. She'd actually considered not telling her mother before the 12 weeks were up either, but she'd just felt it had been the right moment, kind of like a wedding present too - I guess.

"So - it's someone from Stars Hollow?" Lorelai inquired.

Rory shook her head, not that she was denying it but she just wasn't telling. But she was pretty sure her mother could've figured out it wasn't anyone from Stars Hollow by herself. Rory didn't exactly hang around here much, prefering to stay in Hartford when she was writing.

"Oh, my god - it's not Jess is it?" Lorelai exclaimed.

"Um.. no," Rory replied, definitely not wanting rumors about that circling around. But thankfully Jess had been neatly in Philadelphia around that time. No confusion about that.

Rory had months ago told her mother how Logan wasn't in the picture anymore, even getting a supportive and appriving hug from her in return on the topic, so thankfully at this moment Lorelai wasn't inquiring anymore about him. She was glad of the fact because she wasn't sure if she could yet master to lie directly to her face about something as sensitive. And about this much she was sure - she wasn't going to tell anyone about his involvement before they'd agreed on a plan.

"So what - you're just going to go at this alone? I realize that I might have excelled in raising you by myself, but you do realize it wasn't easy, right?" Lorelai said, snorting at the part about excelling herself.

"It's early… but if it comes to it, I guess..," Rory replied, shrugging her shoulders.

"And you're seriously going to pull an Anna on the did… whoever this mystery man is?" Lorelai raised her eyebrows in disbelief at Rory.

Rory groaned, not wanting to talk about this part of any of this. All she would've needed and wanted from her mother right now was a 'it's going to be okay' - not an interrogation about the baby's paternity. So she just sighed.

"Once I am far along I'll see…," Rory replied.

"Hah! So you do have some idea who it is!" Lorelai reacted, causing Rory to roll her eyes.

"I have guesses, alright - but nothing for certain. But I think the most important fact is that it is still me alone at this, and that won't change once they know," Rory said with certainty.

Lorelai clearly recognized herself in Rory at that moment, and set into problem solving mode as they walked back to the house, taking charge of things, which wasn't really needed right this minute.

But since Rory was tired, both in the moment, and tired of carrying the secret - she just let her do it. Lorelai was soon asking about her prenatal appointments, who her doctor was and details about the due date and health. She was clearly excited about the prospect of a baby in their family. She was already thinking how she could probably get Luke to do another extension to the house by that time so Rory could move in and how Rory could work at the Inn with her for the time being, so she'd have someplace stable. Despite the whole thing sounding like a bit of a deja vu, Rory just let her, just wanting to let go of any and all decisions.

October 11th, 2022, Cambridge, MA

"Rory… Earth to Rory," Giselle, one of her work friends, chimed, catching Rory staring at a vacant space in front of her. She'd just asked her a question, but it hadn't gotten any answer.

Their tables were positioned side-by-side at the dark-wood paneled office. The office generally was meant for three, but the third research assistant was on maternity leave right now so it was just the two of them. Remy, the Harvard cat, slept peacefully on the windowsill, enjoying the mild sun that shone in through the gridded windows that looked out at the yard in front of the building. First floor didn't exactly offer them a lot of privacy, but on occasion it was nice to watch excited students move about the campus.

"Um, what?" Rory reacted, being jolted out of her zone.

"Rory… where's your head today..," Giselle said, tilting her head to the side.

"I'm sorry… I just didn't sleep too well," Rory apologized and technically she wasn't lying.

Ever since Logan had been over on Sunday night, she hadn't been able to sleep very well. Sure, she slept - eventually. It was just the falling asleep part that was tricky, being unable to switch her brain off. She'd go over their former relationship, the moments after she'd found about being pregnant, a lot of interactions with her mom included. She wanted to tell herself she was over it - all of it - but she was beginning to doubt that now.

As much as she could remember of his words - those key bits just kept swimming around in her brain over and over again.

She wasn't even really sure what she felt - relieved, upset, regretful, sad, flattered and sorry… and more than anything - it had just been a lot at once for her.

"Do you remember who Kelly had as the visiting lecturer in her 'law and literature' class last year?" Giselle asked, referring to a professor who was currently on leave.

"Um… I'll have to check," Rory said, and perused through her inbox from the said professor around the same time last year, when she'd been in charge of handling bits and pieces from Giselle's work due to her workload. They were research assistants essentially, but sometimes handled overflow from administrative or course assistant's desks as well. But it was fine - it kept things versatile.

"Jeanine Wilcox," Rory replied swiftly.

"Thanks," Giselle replied, and get on with her work.

After glancing away from her monitor, Rory's hand went for her phone. She hesitated for a minute, realizing what she wanted to do - what she felt like doing felt like the most cowardly thing to do.

Yet she found herself opening up her messenger conversation with Logan and typing another response to her own earlier agreement to meet him at the burger place again in an hour.

"I don't think I'll be able to make it today after all," Rory typed, hesitated for a second before pushing send but then just did it anyway. She didn't feel ready to face him yet.

On Sunday he'd pretty much left after he'd said his piece, leaving Rory utterly baffled. He'd said that he wished saying those things wouldn't change anything between them now for the worse and she had assured it wouldn't. And she did agree now - that when it came to Em, nothing would change. But the way she felt so fragile and vulnerable ever since, certainly had. It was like her protective shell had cracked. She just had no words. And she just didn't believe she'd just be able to push his words aside and continue talking about Em's toddler years to him for an hour as if nothing was wrong.

She'd heard him - the fact that he'd loved him, how in part he'd signed those papers for her. She didn't really know what she was supposed to do with that information. Was that just telling her what a huge mistake she'd made by asking him for that? Or how his words about 'saving himself' only really meant that she'd ended up hurting him again? But then again she wasn't at all convinced the way he'd meant 'loved her' as actually in that truly romantical sense they'd been in college. She loved him too… then and now, but she wasn't entirely convinced it was the same way. She certainly loved him as an old and dear friend. But then again the image she'd carried of him through these years had been a lot more cold and indifferent, carefree and playful, than he was giving off now - she had truly believed they'd just had fun, offered each-other stringless fun and comfort, and Logan had just had equally loose morals which she'd believed had made them at least in this one thing more equal.

"I'm sorry to hear that," came a response from Logan.

Rory could see Logan beginning to write something more and retract his words several times.

Rory began to type a fake explanation - think up some meeting or project she had a a deadline on, but she just didn't feel like, it, hence she retracted her lie just as soon as she'd written in.

"I hope it's not because of what I said…," Logan added.

Rory wished she could tell him 'no' but she couldn't.

"I just…," Rory began to type. "I just need to digest it some more," Rory decided to type. At the very least she owed him some honesty.

"Ok," Logan replied. "Let me know…," he added, leaving it open.

Rory could tell he was dissapointed. It was evident he was hopeful to talk again, and Rory had no intention of keeping Em from him, but she just didn't know how to deal with him right now.

"Em would love to see you at soccer tomorrow," Rory added in good faith, letting him know that that side of things was safe.

"I'll be there," Logan replied.

AN: a little bit of a filler I guess... and tiny glimpses into Rory/Lorelai are beginning to furface. But the rest all in order to let them gain some perspective. And as I also do like to keep this story as much in the present as possible, it's also good since this week my updates aren't very frequent. Anyway - you've spoiled me with your reviews so I expect you to keep them coming ;)

I can't update Cute Meet right now because I don't have time to rewatch right now (so what if season 5 is almost in my head) but I like to rewarth before writing that story to get into their moment and not mix up the current characters in different stories.