Chapter 41: Why

"Just who the hell do you think you are!" Ross screamed as he jumped up from his chair.

William, Miho, and Chi stared at him in shock, but Lisette didn't flinch. She sighed. "I should have expected this…" she muttered. "William told me-"

"I don't care what he said. You have no right to see her after what you've done!" Ross declared. He stormed around Natalie's bed and approached Lisette angrily.

William stepped between them and barred Ross from Lisette with his arm. "That's enough," he stated sternly, "I understand your anger, but Lisette came on the promise that we'd hear her out."

"Why'd you invite her in the first place when she has no right being here!?" Ross protested.

"Like it or not… she is still her biological mother. She's been paying some form of child support, so legally, she still has just as much custody as you," William pointed out.

"I don't give a damn what the law says!" Ross protested, "you can't replace parental responsibility with money."

"You have your right to that opinion, but the state disagrees, and I disagree," William stated. He glared deep into Ross's eyes. He felt an almost unyielding rage, fueled by months of frustration.

Ross shoved William aside. "Fine see if I care! But I'm not listening to a damn thing she says!" he shouted. William was about to scramble to his feet while Lisette stared at Ross with a hint of fear. But Ross just glared at her as he stormed out of the room.

"Damn it…" William muttered. He picked himself up when Miho stood up as well. He eyed her wearily. Will she have the same reaction?

She walked around Natalie's bed and approached Lisette, who was now starting to cry. William's eyes widened when wiped away Lisette's tears with a tissue and pulled her into a kind hug. "I'm sorry for Ross… he's just struggling with everything happening right now," Miho whispered. She's so… frail, like a porcelain doll, Miho thought.

"Thank you…" Lisette sniffled as she returned the embrace.

Miho nodded and stepped back. "I'll bring him back and make him listen to what you have to say. Will you be okay until then?" Miho asked.

Lisette shakily nodded. Miho patted her shoulder and smiled reassuringly before stepping aside and rushing out of the room to catch up with Ross. Leaving William and Lisette alone, with Chi standing awkwardly at her post. "Lisette… I'm sorry. I should've better prepared for this…" William apologized.

"Yeah… I guess I should've prepared better too," Lisette replied, "although it's not like you to rush into something like this. The old Captain Valentine wouldn't rush something like this."

"It's been some time since I was Schwarzadler's captain," William stated.

Lisette smiled nostalgically. "But I remember it like yesterday…"

000

A pair of Type 100s sped ahead of a squadron of peculiar German tanks in an inverted chevron formation. At the tip, William's Tiger H2 with a flag attached led the way. Beside him were six Panther Ersatz M10s with three on each flank and behind them was a squadron of Sturmgeshutz Ersatz M7s, a strange modification where the standard StuG III Ausf. G had plates welded over it and its cupola removed to look like an American vehicle, the M7 Howitzer Motor Carriage.

"Contact, T-IIIs ahead! Looks like they've still got the 37mm," Lisette informed over her radio from one of the Type 100 cupolas.

A formation of Panzer IIIs in Russian green paint slowly approached them straight ahead. Their small guns wouldn't even scratch Schwarzalder's recon tanks, much less damage their main force. "The flag tank's among them… looks like East Union's still isn't improving," Ross stated, staring at the tanks facing them one kilometer away.

"Alright, fire at will," William ordered.

"With pleasure!" Lisette cheered, "fire away!" she ordered to her gunner. The 88mm fired away and the shell flew out of the cannon.

000

"There's no point reminiscing though…" Lisette said sadly, "there's no way I can go back to those days."

"I mean… what's stopping you from doing tankery?" William asked, "why didn't you continue after you left?"

"You haven't picked it up yet?" Lisette asked. She shook her head and grabbed the edges of her hood.

000

Miho rushed out of the hospital's front doors. It was downpouring rain that splattered across the ground and drenched everything outside. Miho frowned and looked around frantically for Ross. She didn't see him but saw an elderly couple slowly approaching the hospital under an umbrella. "Excuse me!" she called out while running over to them.

"Oh dear, is there something you need?" the woman asked.

"Have you seen a boy about my age running away from here? I'm looking for him," Miho asked.

The woman turned to her husband who nodded. "Ah yes! He was quite lively. Last I saw, he was running that way," he answered and pointed down a street that led to the edge of the top deck.

"Thank you so much!" Miho exclaimed before taking off in that direction. She ran through the rain as fast as she could, looking around frantically trying to find Ross. Her hair became soaked along with her clothes, but she didn't worry about that right now. The only thing she wanted was to find Ross.

Her running slowed as she reached the street that lined the edge of the top deck. She stopped and looked both ways before rushing across to the sidewalk on the other side. On the other side, she saw him a short distance to her left. Ross sat on a bench under an open-air shelter. He stared out at the sea emptily with his chin resting in his hands.

As Miho cautiously approached, he looked over briefly before turning back to face the sea. "No," Ross stated simply.

"Huh?" Miho asked.

"I'm not going back until she leaves," Ross answered flatly.

"May I sit with you?" Miho asked.

Ross simply shrugged. "I don't care," he replied.

Miho frowned but sat next to him. Why doesn't he want to hear her out at least? Wouldn't it be nice to know why she left? She thought. She decided she'd ask him. "Why don't you want to listen to her?" she asked.

"No reason to. She ran away when things got hard and I didn't. So I don't need to listen to her," Ross stated.

"What if she had a good reason too?" Miho asked.

Ross gave her a sideways glare before staring at the sea again. "There's no good reason to abandon your child, especially when they're just a baby," he answered.

"Well, she didn't exactly abandon…" Miho began.

"Yes, she did!" Ross snapped, "the money isn't enough. All the money she sent couldn't make up for it! Every night for the entire first month we were alone, Natalie was a depressed wreck. She missed her! I couldn't replace her mother…"

"What do you mean?" Miho asked.

Ross sniffled as he recalled those early days. "Did you know babies develop their sense of smell as early as eight weeks from conception?" Ross asked tearfully.

"No, I guess I didn't," Miho answered.

"Do you know why smell is the first sense to develop in the womb?" Ross asked. He didn't give her a chance to answer. "It's the most important way babies connect with their mothers. All the senses develop in the womb for that purpose. They build an inherent bond with their mother before they are born. They don't know who their father is… not until after birth and a father has to build that bond on his own. A baby inherently has a bond with its mother before its born. They have several months more time together… that's why it hurt her so much when Lisette left. She cried so much. She always cried herself to sleep for that entire first month. People think babies are just existing for the first few years until they gain self-awareness, but that's not true. They're just like everyone else. They build bonds and experiences, and they will react to the world around them. That's why the first month alone was hell because she was in more pain than I was when she left. I can't forgive her for that, no matter what."

"Wow… I never knew that…" Miho whispered. After that, she was at a loss for words.

"But did you perhaps consider how she felt leaving?" another voice asked wisely. Ross and Miho looked up to their right. A middle-aged man with a bit of a portly belly with black hair that had slivers of silver that gave it a salt-and-pepper coloring stood there in a black overcoat. Both of his hands were folded over a cane that he leaned against slightly.

Ross stood up suddenly. "Pastor!" he exclaimed.

Pastor Barnes gave him a warm smile but raised his hand to stop him. "Please, before we continue, I'd like you to answer that question," he prompted.

"How she felt?" Ross asked. "I-I never cared about that," he admitted.

"And I do understand why you didn't. After all, to you, she left out of nowhere. Simply disappearing into the night, leaving only a note and the occasional money. But that is not the entire story," Pastor Barnes explained.

"Then why? Why did she leave?! Ross demanded.

Pastor Barnes smiled. "Now you want to know. Good, one should seek more and more knowledge before coming to conclusions and even then constantly doubt their conclusions when there's more evidence. I suppose then it's best to get the answer from the source?" he proposed.

Out from behind Pastor Barnes, Lisette stepped to show herself to Ross and Miho. Except, she kept her hood down. The rain dripped down her head, creating a shine on her bare skin. She had no hair.

Ross nearly stumbled backward. To him, one of her most beautiful, defining traits was shiny locks of bright blonde hair. All of it was gone now. There was one condition, or rather the treatment of the condition that stood out amongst any other causes of dramatic hair loss. "W-what? Is it… is it?" Ross stuttered.

Lisette nodded sadly. "Ovarian Cancer and yes… it's terminal," she revealed tearfully.

"B-but why? Why did you leave if you had something like that? We could have helped you!" Ross exclaimed.

"I did it so you wouldn't have to suffer with me!" Lisette exclaimed, "by the time I found out, it was too late. It was either go through treatment and kill Natalie… or let her live and give my own life. I saw how much effort you were putting into becoming a father. I saw how excited you were. I saw how much you sacrificed for me and her. I couldn't do it. I didn't want you to suffer through the grief of my death…" She trailed off and wiped away her tears. "I left so you wouldn't know I would die. You would simply think I had run away. My parents would keep sending you money until Natalie was all grown up in my place and you could move on without any guilt. After all… would you have been so open to a new relationship if I was dead or simply vanished?"

"That's not something you should have decided for me!" Ross shouted, "you should have told me! We could have worked things out!"

"But would you be happy?" Lisette asked, "let's say I did stay… would have come to Oarai? Would you have met Miho and fallen in love with her? Would things work out the same? Of course not. How can one fall in love again when their partner is dying or they are grieving their loss?"

"I-I don't understand," Ross stuttered.

"From death springs life. From decay springs growth. When one story ends, another begins. I was given a sign. My life was ending, whether I liked it or not. But you and Natalie… you were going to have more time. More time to grow, to love, to live! I couldn't let myself burden you with that!" Lisette shouted, "If I had stayed, you wouldn't have moved on as fast as you did! Who knows if you were able to continue going? I know it was hard… but through that hardship, I know you found happiness."

"H-how do you know?" Ross asked.

"Pastor Barnes told me everything. He was the only contact I kept because I knew I could trust him with my secret and he kept in contact with William. How else would I know your address after it changed?" Lisette answered.

Ross looked at Pastor Barnes with shock. "How much did you know?" he asked.

"Everything," Pastor Barnes answered, "William only knew that I was still in contact with her, but nothing more."

Ross fell to his knees and started crying. "Y-you should have told me!" he wailed, "I don't care if I wouldn't move on! I don't care if it made things harder! It's not something you should have decided for me!"

A whirlwind of emotions swarmed over everyone. For Ross, he felt a terrible sorrow. He had wanted nothing more than to be happy and live with his new family. His tears poured down his face. He almost see and reach out to a world where everyone he loved could be happy.

But for Miho… she felt conflicted. If he would've rather her stayed… then would we not have found our love? Would we be separated? Then… am I just secondary to him? A replacement? Her heart ached at the thought

"But it let you meet Miho," Lisette pointed out, "aren't you happier where you are now? Pastor Barnes told me how close you two are. In my view, it justifies everything." She knelt down to Ross and pulled him back onto her feet. She stared into his eyes. "I know you loved me… but those days have long passed and weren't going to last. My fate had been decided so I want you to move on. That's why I left. I want you to live the life I won't get."

She was right. He started to realize it. What if she hadn't left? What if she had died near to him? Would he have left America to come to Oarai if she was dying in Oregon? Of course not. She wanted him to move on since her time was approaching. So that he and Natalie could continue their life ahead of them. So he could find Miho and fall in love with her. To help her through her own struggles. To grow Oarai's Sensha-do and fight the prejudice they faced. To fight against delinquent gangs and corruption to rebuild Oarai. Everything he's done, everything he's experienced, everything that's happened. It was all enabled by her leaving and relieving him of her illness. Cruel as it may seem, it was what she wanted. Because from death, mistakes, failures, and dissolution; life, success, accomplishments, and opportunities are born.

Just like how a drunken mistake created the little girl he loves so dear, how his team's dissolution brought him to Oarai, how a crash into a street sign brought him to meet Miho, how hard work brought Oarai's Sensha-do together, how their struggles brought them victory, how their conflicts brought them closer together. All of it was enabled by her sacrifice. Would William and Joseph want to leave their friend to go to Japan while he was stuck with a dying loved one? Without them, could Oarai have grown so strong? Would things have developed the same? No.

"I-I think I understand now…" Ross whispered.

Lisette nodded solemnly. "Then can you forgive me for leaving?" she asked.

Ross wiped his tears and smiled. "Of course. I don't like it, and I may still not entirely agree with it, but I understand why you left now," he answered, "But we've strayed down our separate paths now… so I want to clarify that my heart belongs with Miho now," he said.

Miho's eyes widened while Lisette just smiled warmly. "I wouldn't want it any other way. I may have come back to support Natalie, but that's the furthest our paths go together. Once she recovers… I expect that it's where my path ends," Lisette said. She walked past Ross and took Miho's hand. "Can I ask you something Miho?" she asked.

"S-sure," Miho answered.

Lisette smiled. "Take care of them for me. I know everything that's going on is overwhelming and I'm sure all our feelings are messy and confusing, but they are yours to love now. I think what you two share is really beautiful so it'd be a real shame if I got in the way of that just because of our past," she said.

Miho nodded. "I will. Thank you for that," she replied.

Lisette stepped back. "Good, now let's head back to the hospital. It's cold and damp, and I'm sure William is waiting for us," she proposed.

"That sounds like a wonderful idea," Pastor Barnes replied.

000

When the group returned to the hospital, they did not expect to see William pacing nervously in the lobby. His eyes lit up when he saw them. "Thank God you guys are back!" he exclaimed with panic.

Everyone immediately knew something was wrong "What's wrong son?" Pastor Barnes asked.

"She's gotten worse… doctors think it might be sepsis," William answered fearfully.

"Sepsis?!" Ross exclaimed while grabbing William's shoulders, "tell me everything, what's going on?"

"Her blood pressure practically collapsed after you left! I pushed the emergency button immediately and they pulled me out of the room. I don't know much else, I heard sepsis or septic or something like that!" William replied frantically.

Ross let go of William. "It just gets worse and worse…" he whimpered.

"I-I'm sorry…" William whispered, pulling his friend into a hug, "We'll make it through this. I'm sure of it."

000

A man rushed across a hallway in the hospital while putting on a pair of rubber gloves. Dr. Enfeld was an experienced pediatric surgeon the hospital had brought in from the mainland. "Alright, here's the diagnosis," Chi said as she ran next to him with a file.

The young man took the file and opened it. He read all the details as quickly as possible and came to a decision. "We're going need to remove some infected tissue through surgery," he stated.

"Will she make it? Even adults struggle with that procedure," Chi replied.

"What other option do we have? If we don't relieve her immune system, then it won't be able to fight the virus. The quickest way we can do that is by removing infected tissue. We'll start with what will likely die anyway and move our way in from there," Dr. Enfeld explained, "Eiko, you're on explanation duty again."

Eiko nodded as Enfeld, Chi, and the rest of the emergency surgery team finished their preparations. "Good luck," she wished.

"I might need it this time…" Enfeld muttered and he entered the emergency room.

A doctor standing next to Natalie while she lay motionless on an operating table didn't look up from her equipment. "Good, you're here," she stated, "let's get started."

"Alright," Dr. Enfled said. The team gathered around the operating table. "Time to save a life," he muttered with a face mask over his mouth and nose. He took a scalpel and examined Natalie's exposed chest and stomach. The surgeons carefully moved her onto left side and began their work.

000

Eiko stepped out into the lobby where everyone was waiting. Outside, because of the weather and time, it was getting dark. Immediately Ross jumped up from the benches and ran over to her. "Do you know what's going on?!" he asked.

She nodded sadly. "She's suffering from septic shock now. The virus spread from her lungs into her bloodstream, causing more inflammation and weakening her organs. Her blood pressure dropped rapidly so we're going to do emergency surgery. Our best surgeons are going to remove infected tissue from her lungs to relieve her immune system. She's also being given new medications to improve her blood flow and fight the virus," Eiko explained.

"How long will the surgery take?" Ross asked fearfully.

"That will depend on how much tissue they need to remove and how much infected fluid will be drained from her lungs. This surgery is called a Thoracotomy and it typically takes two to six hours," Eiko explained.

"S-so what are they doing to Natalie?" Miho asked.

"She'll be placed on her left side and an incision will be made between her fifth and sixth ribs. Then a chest tube will be inserted into the incision which will remove excess gas and fluid. If the infection is widespread and a lobe of a lung is effectively lost, they will perform a Lobectomy, where a lobe of the lung will be removed. It might come to the point where an entire lung may need to be removed."

"An entire lung?" Ross asked, "can she live with only one?"

"Of course, it's possible to live normally with only one lung, but that's an extreme measure that will only be taken if one lung is lost," Eiko assured, "we'll know more once the surgery is done."

Ross stepped back shakily. "God… why?" he asked to nobody. None of them would have an answer. He fell back onto a bench and put his head into his hands. It felt even worse than when Natalie first was admitted. She was only getting worse.

000

Ross's eyes blinked open as he woke up. Immediately he could see Natalie peacefully sleeping next to him in her co-sleeper. He smiled and watched her sleep quietly. She looked so peaceful as her little chest rose and fell with her breathing. She started to stretch and her little eyes opened followed by an adorable yawn.

"Good morning!" Ross cooed.

Natalie turned her head and met his eyes. Immediately she smiled brightly and rolled over onto her stomach. "Da-da," she babbled and began crawling over to him.

Ross gently grabbed her and sat up. "Hi sweetie," he cooed as she nestled into her arms, "someone's feeling clingy today."

Natalie babbled indignantly and she cuddled into his arms. "Oh well," Ross said. It was the Sunday after the match against Anzio so there wasn't much else to do so there was no harm in spoiling his daughter with a little extra cuddle time.

000

Ross's heart longed for that time back. He wanted to hold her right now. He wanted to feel her body's warmth and feel her snuggling into his arms. But the world was denying him that wish. Everyone around him wanted to do something to relieve that pain of denial, but Miho, William, and Lisette were at a complete loss.

"'Alas! for that day is great, There is none like it; And it is the time of Jacob's distress, But he will be saved from it. Jeremiah 30:7," Pastor Barnes spoke, "my son… remember Lisette's words from earlier. When bad things happen, they are followed by good things and vice versa. The Lord says this in that verse. And once this has passed, surely good things will follow. So when we are faced with troubles, strengthen yourself with that realization and when you are in good times, remember the bad times and be grateful. As mortal men, we must face this cycle until our bodies return to the Earth and our faithful souls rise into Heaven. Be strong with that knowledge, and give your spiritual strength to her so she may recover. From there, only the natural world and the work of medicine may save her."

"I-I don't know if I can take much more Pastor," Ross wept.

"I know you can son. You have faced greater tribulations before, and have persisted until the return of prosperity. Remember how much you have grown? Be strong, for her, for yourself, and for the ones you love. That is all you can do now," Pastor Barnes replied.

Ross took a few deep breaths. "Your right… she still has a chance. I have to be strong for her," he said.

Pastor Barnes smiled. "And now it shall be up to medicine and fate," he said, "we have lent her our spiritual strength and support if we believe that good times shall return. If we believe that she can recover, then we have taken the first step."

000

The wait was long and grueling. As time ticked past and the evening dragged into the night, Pastor Barnes recounted stories to the group to keep their spirits up. Some were religious, but many were also simply life stories and recollections. Ross, Miho, and William also told Lisette and Pastor Barnes about their time at Oarai, about the Sensha-do team, and the tournament. After several hours and deep into the night, a tired surgeon entered the lobby. Everyone looked over to Dr. Enfeld who correctly assumed they were there for Natalie.

Ross immediately jumped up and ran over to him. "How is she?" he asked urgently.

Dr. Enfeld wiped his brow and sighed. "It was a pretty difficult surgery, but we managed to remove the most infected lobe. She should be back on the road to recovery," he informed.

Ross felt tears of relief start to build up in his eyes. "Thank you so much," he said.

Dr. enfled smiled and patted Ross on the shoulder. "Your welcome, honestly the fact that she's survived to this point after progressing to such an advanced stage of the disease is a miracle. I doubted she would survive, but now I think there's a chance she will recover," he said.

"That's wonderful!" Miho exclaimed.

Dr. Enfeld's smile faded. "But I'm afraid that something like this probably extended her recovery timeframe. She might need about two months before she can be confidently discharged. Even after that, she'll be physically weaker and her lung capacity will be reduced for a few years. Of course, this is assuming the influenza and pneumonia fade. I'm fairly confident it will now that a major source of infection has been removed, but there are no certainties in medicine," he explained.

The news dampened everyone's spirit. "Then you two will definitely miss the finals at that time frame…" William pointed out.

Miho looked at the ground, deep in contemplation. Then she came to a decision. "I-I'm sorry Ross, but I can't miss the finals. It's just too important. Unless Natalie gets worse again…"

Ross took her hand and nodded. "I understand. The match has a lot riding on it," he said.

"So should we just have Leopard Team without a commander? I guess it wouldn't be impossible," William asked.

"What about me?" Lisette proposed. Everyone turned to her in shock.

"What?!" Ross exclaimed.

"I can do it," Lisette said, matter a factly, "this isn't like football. You don't need to be perfectly fit to be a tank commander. I can still stand, look around, react, and give orders. I'm not bedridden yet. I can do it."

"You barely look like you can stand, much less command a tank!" Miho protested, "there's no way you can do it safely. I won't allow it."

"Yes I can!" Lisette passionately argued, "listen, I look frail, I look weak, I understand that, but I've always believed that anyone can overcome their obstacles with the right support and if they believe they can! Natalie is just a baby, but she can fight a deadly virus and brave a several-hour lung surgery. I can do this. I still remember everything about the Type 100, I've commanded one before! I can hold myself up in a cupola and move around just fine. If anything happens, then so be it!"

Her passion made everyone stand silently and stare at her. In her eyes was a fire that they hadn't seen before. Then Ross remembered it. When they had been tank commanders before, she had the fire before every practice and match. She may have left tankery, but tankery hasn't left her, not yet.

William nodded. "It could be done," he stated, "but if you have any problems, you'd need to be pulled out immediately."

"Just as a medical professional, I'd advise against it," Dr. Enfeld stated, "using your energy on something like that may worsen your condition-"

"My cancer is terminal already," Lisette interrupted, "the only thing it'd do is bring my death closer."

Dr. Enfled stared at her. "My apologies. Then I guess it would lessen how much longer you have to live," he replied.

"If that's how it is, then it's how it is," Lisette decided, "Oarai means so much to so many people, many of them who are very close to me. If I can give something to preserve it, then I'll do it. A tank without a commander may be the detriment that loses a match." She looked at William and then turned to look at Miho. "So please, let me join one last battle," she requested.

William turned to Miho. "I'll defer this to you. After all, I'm just a provisional captain," he stated.

Miho looked into Lisette's eyes. It almost seemed like she was reenergized by the proposal. Her eyes weren't so dull and fierier with passion. "Okay, I'll allow it. If you at any moment feel like you can't keep going or if I feel you can't keep going, then I'm pulling you out. Understood?" Miho asked.

"Understood… Captain Nishizumi," Lisette said with a salute, "one last fight."

000

Next Time on Girls und Panzer: Tank Aces

Chapter 42: The Final Preparations