First mate's log:
November 21, 1966
The Professor says we all have a vitamin C defishency. We're all going to die, in order of weight, which means the Skipper will be first. I'm really gonna miss him! I'll miss everyone, but skinny though I am, I probably won't outlive any of the women except Alice. And the poor kids will be on their own until it's just little Cindy. Ginger says if this were a movie, it'd be worth three hankies and I know just what she means.
Carol Martin's diary:
November 22, 1966
More dubious science from the Professor, with Gilligan's ignorance adding to the problem. The former thought we were all dying from a vitamin C deficiency, for lack of citrus fruits. And then it turned out that Gilligan knew where to find grapefruits and lemons. He just hadn't known that those were citrus fruits.
Anyway, we'll have plenty of juice for Thanksgiving in a couple days.
December 8, 1966
It turns out that the Howells aren't really married and I almost got trapped into a fake wedding! They didn't know about their marriage until the radio said that the minister who performed the ceremony was a fraud. She wants us all to call her Miss Wentworth, and she said it was improper for her to live with a man out of wedlock, so she moved into the single girls' hut. I don't know if Ginger didn't want to share the hut with her or if she felt sorry for her, but she suggested that the Skipper perform a wedding ceremony, as captain of the ship. Of course, we don't have a ship anymore, but I suggested we build a raft. As usual, "we" is turning out to be me.
The Skipper is too busy getting ready for the wedding, because he's never performed one before. He's been practicing what he'll say and he wanted someone to pretend to be a couple getting married. Mary Ann happily volunteered but I got drafted. I'm still too young to get married, even if it's been over a year since I was engaged. Even pretending to get married scares me. And I like Mary Ann, but I don't know if I'd even want to go steady with her.
I didn't want to write about this, in case someone finds you again and wants to analyze my dreams, but I had a dream a couple week ago that I'm embarrassed about. It wasn't even mostly about girls. I dreamed that I was Jack and I climbed the beanstalk. The Skipper was the giant but the part that matters is that Ginger was a beautiful princess enchanted into an ugly old woman, and Mary Ann was in a sexy French maid's uniform. I had to kiss Ginger to break the spell, and then the Professor, who looked like an ugly old man, said Mary Ann had to break the spell that changed him from a handsome prince. But he was just lying so she'd kiss him.
When I woke up, I wondered what would've happened if she'd kissed me instead.
Anyway, Ginger has volunteered to be the pretend bride, since it's sort of an acting job. The Professor said he'd play the groom if it would end the Howells' latest argument, I mean Mr. Howell and Miss Wentworth's latest argument.
December 9, 1966
We had a wedding on the island yesterday! Well, it wasn't technically on the island. It was in the lagoon. The Howells were renewing their vows, but I'm afraid it's not as romantic as it sounds.
The news reported that the man who performed their wedding ceremony, "Reverend" Buckley Norris, is a fraud. The Howells weren't mentioned by name but of course their wedding was one of the most famous of the wartime society weddings. (I vaguely recall seeing it in a newsreel when I was a little girl.) Beyond that, Mrs. Howell, I mean Miss Wentworth, has a very strict sense of propriety, so even though Mike, with his knowledge of the law as the grandson of a judge, pointed out she and Mr Howell must be common-law married by now, she wants to make it official.
The Skipper, as captain of a raft, was the officiator. I was matron of honor, although Mrs. Howell didn't want to decide among the three single ladies for maid of honor in our understandably small wedding party. My daughters, even Cindy, who's never seen a wedding even on TV, were very upset that they couldn't be flower girls. And Gilligan was best man.
Oh, Gilligan. I know he means well, but Miss Wentworth had given him her ring for safe keeping, and he put it on his finger so he wouldn't lose it. Mr. Howell couldn't pry the ring off Gilligan's finger, so he suggested they use a cigar band instead. Miss Wentworth got terribly offended and they quarreled again.
This time Mr. Howell moved in with the sailors, since he refuses to stay in a hut that is no longer a home. Then he started bossing around the Skipper and Gilligan. So the Skipper and Ginger have come up with a plan to make the Howells jealous, although it's the Professor who will be Miss Wentworth's date at the dance tonight, since he has more social status as the ex-fiancé of Erika Tiffany Smith. Ginger will of course be Mr. Howell's date. And I will be Gilligan's date!
I was very surprised when he asked me. For one thing, most of us "go stag" to the parties and dances on the island. The only reason for the dates tonight is to carry out the reconciliation scheme. What the other six adults do has no bearing on that.
Beyond that, although I'm fond of Gilligan, he's a decade younger than I am and socially backward. Not to mention that there's a girl who's his age and just crazy about him. But I did say yes because I didn't want to hurt his feelings and it's not as if we have to dance only with each other, especially if dance partners being traded is the reason for this scheme in the first place.
Alice teased me when she found out but she did offer to watch the girls tonight. Mike isn't going, he claims because he wants to help Alice babysit. Could he possibly be jealous? No, that's ridiculous!
My girls are confused, especially Marcia and Jan, who remember their father. I told them it isn't a real date and Gilligan isn't my "new boyfriend." If Gilligan thinks otherwise, I'll let him down gently.
Then again, maybe we're all making a fuss over nothing. I heard that Mary Ann is the Skipper's date and no one thinks they're an item. I suppose it's just that I'm a widow and Gilligan is, well, Gilligan.
December 10, 1966
I had a nice time at the dance last night. We threw it to bring the Howells back together and it worked. I asked Mrs. Martin to be my date because I knew she wouldn't get ideas like Mary Ann would. Mary Ann was the Skipper's date, but that was just as friends, too, and he had to leave the party to go dress up as a headhunter so Mr. Howell could defend Mrs. Howell.
Yeah, she's Mrs. Howell again. Well, it turns out she never stopped being Mrs. Howell, because the radio said it was a mistake, Boris Knuckley was the fake reverend, not Norris Buckley.
December 11, 1966
I'm a little embarrassed but no harm done I suppose. When Gilligan walked me home after the dance, he said, "Thanks for going with me tonight, Mrs. Martin. I think Mary Ann wants to marry me so I couldn't ask her to be my date."
"Um, you're welcome," I replied.
And it turns out that the Howells were legally married all along. There was another name mix-up on the news, like when we all thought Mr. Howell was bankrupt. Sometimes I wish that the news about Tim was a mix-up, but I can't let myself believe that. I am at least able to imagine his amusement at my thinking a young man who's scared of women was asking me on a date.