Author's Note: Hello again! Apologizes for the time taken. Real life dropkicking me in the teeth and all that. Also I was wrong of course and this fic will be eight chapters rather than five. Also also damn does this have a lot of views. Thanks.
Bigass chapter is bigass.
Warnings: depression, unkind thoughts about mental health, quick mention of self harm.
And some more music recs.
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It was five past nine when Jinx got to Vander's house, her second home. Pretty early, but there was no sign of Vander, who was probably already down at the workshop, maybe with Claggor too if he had been the unlucky one this week to lose his saturday late sleeping over car repairing. Mylo was always in a foul mood when it was his turn, but that didn't get him off the hook. Vi was kinda a mix of both of them. So most likely, two of them were snoozing.
Wasting no time, she went straight to hers and Vi's room with a huge mischievous smile.
"Good mornin', sunshine! !"
The announcing scream didn't cause any less of a startle when Jinx kicked down the door in a blast of way too much energy and excitement for any other person to muster this early in the morning. Both Vi and Caitlyn jumped on the top bunk bed, scrambling off of each other and covering themselves in bedsheets with different levels of speed and success, and upon the sight, Jinx visually deflated like a balloon.
"Oh."
"Powder," Vi said in rasped breath of surprise, pulling the sheet a bit higher up. Jinx's brow itched; why was she covering up? She'd seen her naked plenty of times. "Damn, you're here early."
Jinx looked once at Caitlyn. A frown, that wasn't exactly mutual at first until Caitlyn noticed the stare linger one second too long.
"Sorry." Not really.
She left them to their scuffling, shutting the door behind herself without much subtlety and sulking on the couch in the living room. So now she was the cockblock, huh. Well, sorta, anyway. Maybe she should update her 'I hate people' beanie and add a 'rich' to it. Just a subtle message. She could barely hear rustling coming from the bedrooms, the bunk bed creaking slightly as someone got up, but it was the next bedroom door that opened as Mylo showed up with an even wilder mane than usual and his grumpy look up to eleven.
"Thanks a bunch for waking me up," he muttered on his way to the bathroom. Jinx scowled as a reply, but Mylo wasn't too interested in seeing it. He came back out soon after, dripping the water he had splashed on his face onto his tank top and dragging himself to the kitchen, rummaging for a sugar snack as breakfast and heading towards the other couch without so much as looking at Jinx. He picked the remote and turned on the tv for background noise, scrolling through his phone with the same annoyed expression as before. He didn't ask if Jinx wanted anything to eat, or if she wanted to see anything on the tv, or if she was alright. He was in his home, after all, and didn't have to pretend to like having a lousy annoying visitor on a saturday morning.
A visitor in his home.
Vi came out of their bedroom not much later, but she went to take a shower first with Miss Perfect. Jinx scowled harder and fished out her phone, checking if Ekko was already online to vent with him. He wasn't, and on second thought that was probably for the best; who wants to wake up to a bunch of rants and complaints? She couldn't do that to him. She could only push her luck so far before he, too, snapped.
Mylo would be a much better target for those, but his desinterest was numbing instead of spitefully motivating. She realized she wanted him to notice her crop top and ask about the logo. But he didn't, so Jinx just sulked there in lethargy, thinking what other people would've done instead of doing it herself; Silco wouldn't have waited for someone to give him what he wanted, he would've just brought the subject up. Seemed like the practical approach. Vander would've been more patient, and not bother himself if the topic didn't come up. Seemed like the compromising approach.
Vi would've punched him in the face for not noticing.
Whereas she just stood there stuck between doing and not doing. Why did she want Mylo's approval anyway? What did his opinion mean to her? He'd always pull her down regardless. Tell her all the ways she fell short, or worse yet, all the ways she could and would mess up.
And he was right. In its own twisted way it was a comfortable thought, getting the confirmation she sucked. Being with Mylo reminded her all her fears were right.
Mylo was caught in his own little twirl of thoughts and counterthoughts about Jinx, too. His grumpiness didn't help his already impatient predisposition for her, and he just wished she wasn't there. He'd feel bad about it afterwards, like he often did - why did he have to be so hostile with her all the time? - but the impulse was always to remember how many times she messed up, willing or otherwise. Somethings you can't just say "sorry", can you? They hadn't died that time by sheer dumb luck. You don't just pretend like it didn't happen, like everyone else wanted to. As if that was even possible.
The thing is, no one denied it, certainly not Jinx, but... nothing good came from that night to make it seem less bad looking back. No, like, everything got even more fucked up after that, with that whole thing with the Silco guy and Vi and Vander and just... Jinx was aware of all that, she didn't deny any of it, but she just...
Mylo huffed to himself, making Jinx look at him, but he ignored her. It was enough that he was thinking about her. He just couldn't find the will to want to be with Jinx. To make the effort. She was bad luck. One way or another, bad things happen when she's around. And saying she had issues wasn't being a jerk, it was the truth. She had episodes or whatever you wanna call it, paranoia and hysterics and then shutting down like she was out of it. Surely she self-harmed somehow, music and crafts couldn't be enough to deal with all her outbursts. She needed psychological or psychiatric help, and she refused to look for it. He knew Vander kept adding to a whole special savings just for that, so she could get proper medical care, and she just refused. Mylo wasn't a jerk, he knew it was hard to deal with stuff like that. And that's the thing. It's hard to deal with someone like that. You need to put in the effort. And Mylo didn't want to.
Jinx was aware of that. Mylo was the end result of all her relationships. Sooner or later, they'd all think the same as him. Because they'd see the same things he did.
Vi returned fully dressed and with her hair damp over her face with Miss Perfect tailing behind. Thankfully they seemed to have talked already because the girl was clearly ready to not overstay her welcome even more by eating breakfast or something.
"Goodbye, have a good day," she said towards them in her posh accent.
"Leaving already?" Mylo asked, masking his grumpiness with politeness. She gave a generic excuse that was good enough for Jinx as long as she left. "Shame. Bye, Cait."
"See you later, Cupcake," Vi said, kissing her goodbye. Or so Jinx assumed, because she turned her face away before seeing any of the stomach-turning mushiness. How could Vi, the most badass person alive, be that way with someone like that, some rich girl who never had a trouble in her life, a police officer? Police was always trouble, they always had been, from as far back as when their biological parents were alive, from their band days. Police was a sign of oppression, of intolerance to those who seemed different, of enforcing laws that only benefited the untouchable rich. Mom and Dad used to believe that. Vander used to believe that, had a criminal record that proved it. Silco obviously believed that. Vi used to believe that.
That was before. Now Vander had a friend in the force who even visited the house occasionally, Jinx had seen her, a serious woman around his age with a charismatic voice and a commanding presence. And Vi was dating one. 'Fuck the police' in all the wrong ways, huh. Nevermind that having police around was a huge risk because of Silco and his business (Jinx hadn't told him about it. She knew he'd be even more adamant about not wanting her in Vander's house. She wasn't lying, she was just... she was protecting everyone involved). Having police around was fundamentally wrong. It almost felt like a betrayal.
Jinx sunk slightly more on the couch while waiting for the front door to open and close.
"Have you eaten anything yet, Powder?" Vi asked, now actually free of all nuisances that needed to get out of the way.
"I'm not hungry."
"You need to eat," Vi said regardless, and Jinx felt a slight pang of frustration but it was gone by the time Vi brought her a bowl of cereal. "We'll go down to the workshop when you finish."
"It's not even 10AM!" Mylo complained.
"You enjoy having a new phone everytime you break one, but don't wanna put the work for it, do you?" Vi remarked sternly, making Mylo gag.
"Come on, it's not like that! It's saturday, that's all! I wanted to sleep a bit more!"
"Be my guest. It's not like Vander doesn't already know how lazy you are."
Jinx glanced at Mylo, seeing him frown in a way that seemed annoyed but was actually a bit hurt. She smirked. Mylo spotted her and twisted his face in an ugly scowl. Jinx focused on her bowl of cereal, but was already feeling a bit more reassured by Vi's implicit support.
It improved even more on their way to the workshop when she said: "Hey, that's your logo, isn't it?"
Jinx brightened up. "Yes! I brought my EP to show you guys."
"Neat. You'll show us later."
Jinx felt immediately lighter, like she was shedding chunks of suffocating blankets in every step, and walked the rest of the way with a smile, replying to Vi's questions about school and forgetting about all the unpleasant scenes from home. It improved further because they got to the workshop fast, and she could hear the thumping music all the way from the corner, making her smile even more. That sounded like home.
The garage door to the workshop was open and they could already see Claggor around some car engine parts and Vander further back surrounded in a glare of welding light of the MIG machine. The familiar scent of melting steel and oil engulfed the air the moment you stepped inside, and the music blaring from the speakers at a volume meant for welding and hammering and angle grinder cutting steel was otherwise deafening without them. Vander had only recently changed to playing music on his phone, after the boys had managed to convince him to install a decent app instead of running the same old CDs over and over again. It was so much more practical he adopted the concept pretty fast. The saying that metalheads listen to everything was true with him, so his shuffle could play jazz just as fast as it could play rap, but of course his main preference was metal, from the old school 80's thrash to uplifting power or folk metal tunes. Right now he had such a pure 80's rock synthy track playing that Jinx could almost picture the haircuts and cringey videoclips in her mind.
"Mornin', Vander!" Jinx shouted over the music. Vander pulled his welding mask up, his slightly smudged face opening in a smile.
"Powder! Good to see you, kiddo." Jinx smiled back, and after patting Claggor on both shoulders she threw herself at Vander before he could try to warn her about dirtiness or sweat. It was so different from hugging Silco, her arms couldn't even come close to wrapping around his bulk form, and being hugged back was like being gently squashed by a crusher. He always let go too fast though, not realizing how much she needed it to last.
"Morning, Claggor, Vander," Vi said when Vander lowered the song just enough for them to make out each others' words. "Brought you guys something to eat."
"Thanks, Vi. What about you, Mylo? Fell from bed?" Claggor asked Mylo playfully, but he replied with grumpy seriousness.
"Thank Jinx for making a whole show to announce her presence."
"At least we're here early," Vi said simply, approaching the chopper bike on the corner. "What's this one need?"
"New brakes and an engine check. You can take that while we finish the car," Vander told her.
"I wanna help!" Jinx said at once. She ignored Mylo scoffing, or rather, it made her want to help even harder. Now she was no longer numbed by his impatience. "I can do the rest of the welding you got."
She immediately went rummaging for her welding goggles while Vander divided the tasks between all the kids (even if none of them were children anymore, certainly not Vi, a full grown up adult). The music in the background changed to a classic heavy metal song and Jinx vigorously headbanged as she worked on the parts Vander delegated to her.
They stayed busy for hours, and after finishing all her new tasks and getting refused by Vi as she was already setting back the bike's engine, she got busy with a fun side project she had in the making, a crow sculpture made of welded plates and sanded parts of steel. It was turning out pretty neat, even if Mylo had absolutely roasted it in the beginning. It was very much a 'trust the process' thing, and Jinx had to remind herself of that too, but it was at that stage where, although not perfect, it was undeniably getting there. Vander liked power metal a lot and she felt very much like a Norse Viking Goddess of Chaos (Loki could keep the Mischief and delegate the Chaos title, she'd happily take the spot) with her metal crow and epic music in the background. She was thinking of somehow making a shark next, her mind already inspired and racing with ways and ideas to pull it together.
"Looks good, Powder," Vander said over her shoulder, and Jinx grinned proudly. He pulled her beanie over her eyes playfully and she giggled, pulling it upright again. "You'll ruin your clothes like this, how many times do I gotta tell you?"
"I wanted to show you my crop, it's my logo," it slipped easily now that she was encouraged by the good results and the positive reinforcement.
"All the more reason not to use it in the workshop," Vander chastised. Jinx shrugged.
"I'll just make another."
"If you say so, kiddo," Vander conceded, fondly brushing off steel dust from her shoulders and involuntarily smudging oil on her instead. They looked at each other and scoffed out a laugh. "I like the design. Would make a badass tattoo. Might get an appointment sooner than I thought."
"You barely have space left!" Jinx laughed.
"Worry not, I have plenty of room."
It was true and of course Jinx knew it. What she meant was that Vander's main center focus was filled to the brim, his entire upper body covered in tattoos, from his first and now weathered down skulls and tribals from the 90's and 2000's, to much more detailed works from when the band started to get more gigs and money, including of course the logo of Rat Nation as part of his chest piece. Monsters and demons, dates or reminders, some crudely humorous, most violent and corrosive designs that had views now drastically different from the peaceful father of four with a repair shop by day and a bar by night. As far as Jinx knew (or Silco, who had told her more about Vander than Vander himself ever did) Vander's known criminal record might've never been as serious as Silco's would one day be, but he had been far from sympathetic to the police or the law, and had tattoos that proved his younger self's stance. It all culminated in a full black and grey backpiece that was a work of art on a living canvas. Throughout the years Jinx would often ask Vander to let her sketch copies of it, never coming close to do justice to the original. It was a werewolf-like beast tearing at a laboratory background, a ferocious but misunderstood monster fighting against the environment that created it, like Vander used to see himself as and always assumed would be his future, until life happened and changed his plans.
Ironically enough, that meaning behind the tattoo now matched Silco much more than it did Vander.
His legs were practically bare in comparision, and it was the skin he now occasionally patched with new ink. He had one fun piece for each kid on his lower leg; a gauntlet, a lockpick, a pair of goggles. Hers was inked on the last free space he had on his left hand, a messy childish sketch of a monkey Jinx made when she was a kid.
Vander hadn't exactly jumped at the idea of Jinx getting her cloud tats, so that kinda made him into another hypocrit, if you think about it. Adults really shared that characteristic, didn't they. Or maybe just her dads. Lucky her.
"Hey, guys!" Ekko's voice sounded from the door and Jinx twirled around, sending her braid flying as she waved enthusiastically.
"Hi Ekko!"
"Ah, aren't you the smart one, showing up only when the work's all done!" Mylo teased, and him and Ekko tugged at each other, playing roughly like kids.
"Sorry, I snoozed," he told Vander with a regretful tone. Vander just reassured him instead and fistbumped him.
"We managed great, don't worry."
That didn't spare him the tap with the back of the hand on the nape by Vi. "I knock Mylo over the head for being lazy and then you come and do a worse number, Little Man."
"Sorry, sorry!"
"Did you bring your skateboard?" Claggor asked, only for Ekko to cringe again.
"Fu- I mean, dammit, no, I forgot too."
"And I'm the one that gets called airheaded," Jinx joined in on the fun, poking Ekko before pecking him on the lips. "Check out my crow! Whaddya think?"
"Cool! If you don't have an album cover yet, you could use an edit of it," Ekko suggested, and Jinx realized he was right.
"We're gonna check the EP when we get home," Vi told him, but Ekko smiled with pride.
"I already listened to it."
"Ah! Check out Mr Cocky here," Vi teased, bumping her elbow on his arm.
"Well well, what a privilege!" Vander agreed. "What's your professional opinion?"
Ekko smiled in an adorably sheepish way. " 'Professional', as if. Anyway, it's a bit too much screaming for me, but the melodies are great."
"Harsh vocals are an acquired taste, Ekko," Vander recalled.
"It's like you metal folks say, your logos advertise the stuff. Can't be singing about flowers and blue skies with one looking like that," Ekko recalled, glancing at Jinx's crop top. He immediately swallowed dry and Jinx grinned mischieviously, not missing a beat.
"Ah, that you don't forget, do ya, Little Man?" she winked teasingly. Ekko's gaze fell to her crop top again and he immediately choked thanks to the thought of what was under it.
"What?" Vander asked, curious, making Ekko choke even more.
"N-Nothing!" he blurped out at once and making Jinx cackle victoriously. Of course Vander knew there was something, but left them to their teasing. Jinx eventually gave Ekko a consolation kiss after she had tormented him enough.
"I'm worried what you guys'll think. About the songs," Jinx confessed while she was helping Vander store the tools and extensions. He rolled the power cable around his elbow, not turning towards her, but she knew he was listening. "Ekko didn't really like it that much, and... Actually, he got all worried."
"Worried?" Vander repeated, storing the extension and picking the next one. Now she definitely had his attention.
Jinx leaned on the work table and fidgeted with her braid, not really remembering her hands were dirty. "Like... 'cause of the lyrics and it being angry and stuff."
"Do you like how the songs turned out?" Vander asked, and Jinx nodded.
"I do, but..."
"Then that's good."
"But now I dunno. I thought I liked it, but now I'm worried about why I did it, how you guys're gonna feel about it, how you'll feel about me." She summed it up pretty well actually.
"Your worth isn't measured by how good your project is, or how helpful you are to someone, Powder."
She lowered her gaze, fidgeting some more. He would always call her Powder, though he knew she prefered Jinx now; Ekko called her that way, following her wish. Mylo did too, but his motives weren't exactly the same. Vander would do it, too, if he didn't knew the name was born of a monster of fear and shame. That split - Powder, Jinx... It was the concrete proof of a traumatic event for her and Vander didn't disregard it, but he also didn't let it become a rift between her and her family. He didn't want her to think there was an impassable abyss between what Powder was and what Jinx is; they were one and the same, and they deserved no different amount of love. She'd always be Powder, his sweet little girl always running with a thousand projects in her hands and a million more in the making. Never satisfied with any, always seeking validation. This beautiful and talented teenage girl in front of him was Powder, with added challenges from puberty, from personal hardships, from fucked up situations of adults she had no control over and only suffered the consequences of.
She was no jinx. She was a blessing. He just had to learn how to make her see that.
For all the bitterness, shame and hate that might linger between them, Vander didn't really hold it against Silco for his vicious protection of Powder. The truly harmful, problematic and unhealthy effects of it were what was ultimately tragic, and why Vander could no longer find a spark of the rage that, on the other hand, engulfed Vi whenever he was mentioned. Instead, the only name Vander could give his feeling was 'sadness'. If Silco had one good thing in his spiteful self and corrupted life, it was his love for Powder. Vander knew it was real; that was where he and Vi diverged drastically, and converged back in the knowledge that that love was destructive for Powder.
It would be hard, and it would cause big problems (much bigger than any of them could anticipate), but they couldn't carry on this way for much longer, watching Powder be forced to breach irreconcilable sides that were never supposed to be her responsibility to begin with. They were gathering evidence. Soon, they'd act. And things would get better for Powder.
They cleaned and closed shop very quickly with so many helping hands, and found Benzo on their way home, enjoying a rare saturday break now that he had new employers to watch over his pawn shop (recommendations from Ekko, Jinx knew, some of his crew members who had just got fired from their previous jobs). He tagged along too, always funny with his rough but good-hearted mannerisms and constant bickering with both Ekko and Vander.
Due to her hyperawareness, Jinx also noticed they passed by two of Silco's goons as they hovered down somewhere, doing their own business. She saw they recognized her too, but knew not to say anything. She didn't really know if she should feel glad she was with Vander and Vi and everyone else (let it be reminded they were her family and should be left alone) or worried for the same exact reason (they were known for having activities against Silco one way or another, like Ekko and his crew with their community work). Before the weight of the impossible balance could claw into her lungs and sink them in her ribcage, she decided to turn her brain off instead and just get lost in the cacophonic buzz of voices around her.
"... right, Powder?" Vi asked. Jinx snapped back to reality.
"Huh?"
"You produced your whole EP yourself?" she repeated.
Ekko squeezed her hand lightly. Jinx squeezed back, fighting the nerves that had now stupidly decided to return just 'cause Vi had brought it up.
"Oh! Yeah. I really wanna know what you think of it."
"We've got a proper one-lady band here!" Benzo commended, serpenting around the boys and locking a grip on Ekko's nape to pull him away so he could throw an arm around Jinx's shoulder, pretending not to hear Ekko's protests. "How's your bass game, little missy? Never underestimate the power of the bass!"
Jinx laughed at Ekko trying and failing to lift Benzo's arm from over Jinx. "You tell me, you're the expert!"
"Ah, I heard you only wanted that hammer-hands bolke over there to play for you," Benzo added, pointing at Vander with his chin and feigning hurt. "Your loss. You'd be on top of all the charts if you'd invited me over."
"Your ego's the same as ever, eh, Benzo?" Vander asked with a scoff.
"Grows with me belly," Benzo retorted back. Jinx laughed, looking at Vi, who smiled back at her too.
Vander's house was always louder, busier, messier, more lively than Silco's. You couldn't really hear your thoughts with so many people around you all the time. As exhausting as it could become, it was also really great. All seven of them climbed up the stairs and scrambled into the apartment, Vi starting the long queue of much needed showers while the others did something else while they waited. They all ended up sitting at the table in the living room, avoiding the couches and bedrooms until they could properly get the workshop's grime and sweaty clothes off of them and change to clean ones. Vander and Benzo smoked while they talked stuff from work, bikes and cars and insane business deals Benzo had done that week. Vi joined in after Claggor went for his shower, but when Mylo decided to turn on the tv and the usual tragedies, poverty and death were showing up on the news channel, the conversation shifted to socials and politics. Mylo stood up to follow when Claggor freed the bathroom, but Jinx slithered ahead of him, wanting to escape the serious conversation she knew would inevitably bleed into something regarding criminality and, from there, to Silco. She tied her hair up and only washed her body, scrapping at her skin and thinking of how nice she would smell afterwards and how Ekko would enjoy it when she nuzzled close. When she came outside of their bedroom, already changed to her jammies and after Mylo was already showering, they were still talking about the same thing.
"I'm telling you, shit's hitting the fan," Benzo was telling Vander. "Do you know what Eve told me? Thugs went banging down her neighbour's house just this week. Then he got jumped by a Shimmer junkie for his trouble, 'cause he hadn't paid the guys. They're using addicts like wild dogs and then just pay them back in product. It's bad. If Grayson doesn't get a hold of the reins soon, she's gonna have more bodies on her hands than she can handle."
"Any body is more than she should handle," Vander said, his brows furrowed with seriousness.
"Come on, a little positive thinking, guys," Claggor urged.
"People need to snap," Vi said, shutting her fists tight. "These fuckers aren't untouchable. They'll get hit so hard they won't ever be able to get back up again."
"Everyone will get what they deserve, one way or another," Claggor said with confidence.
Vander looked at Jinx as she approached cautiously, managing a smile that was meant to be reassuring. Vi looked at her too, but couldn't hide the sharpness of her clenched jaw.
"Let me just take a shower and we'll listen to the album, okay, Pow-Pow?" he promised her when Mylo got out of the bathroom, and Jinx nodded.
"Yes, Powder! Tell me about the album," Benzo asked her, changing topic and tapping the table to signal her to join again. She did, looking warily at Vi, thinking it wasn't the best time to try getting her attention and interest. She was clearly bothered. But because it was her, Vi made the effort. Her jaw loosened slowly and her expression softened. Just like Ekko said.
"Fair warning though, it's a bit of a mixed bag," Jinx added, trying to lower expectations.
They asked her a bunch of questions, even Claggor, and Jinx was feeling a bit more confident by the time Vander came back. She connected her phone on the speaker while Vander started preparing his smoking pipe, and jumped to the couch, physically restraining herself with the help of Ekko's arm and almost feeling sick with how hard she was fighting not to speak all over the song as it played.
"Sorry, but the production is terrible," Mylo said when the first song was only at half time.
"Why do you say that, Mylo?" Vander asked, genuinely interested.
"Screaming is like singing, it only sounds good if you know how to do it."
"I know how to scream," Jinx couldn't stop herself from saying, realizing how childish she sounded, especially as her recorded screeching played in the background.
"Didn't really got through," Mylo shrugged.
"I did it on purpose, it wouldn't have sounded right any other way," Jinx argumented, trying to hold her ground; she had to stand for her decisions. "It's depressive black metal. It's supposed to be unpolished."
"I thought your sound was more death metal?" Vi asked and Jinx squeezed Ekko's arm painfully before realizing what she was doing.
"It turned out more mixed up than I initially thought," Jinx looked at Ekko for support. He nodded at her softly, like she hadn't just dug her fingernails on his skin. "The other songs are different, if you don't like this one."
"Will you share the lyrics?" Claggor asked her, trying and failing to make up the words.
Jinx didn't look at Ekko this time, taking a deep breath. "No. They're too personal."
Because Ekko could literally feel how nervous Jinx was, he helped her out during the next songs by asking her some more things, letting her know it was alright to talk, that she wasn't annoying for wanting to share her thoughts and processes, and she loved him even more for that.
When the final track started playing, Jinx looked at Vander same way she had Silco. Benzo gave a friendly scoff, recognizing the drumming just like Ekko had, and although his expression didn't alter much, he still reacted to the guitar cutting in. Vander took the tobacco pipe to his mouth without any apparent difference in his movement, keeping his gaze in a distant point as Jinx's opening growl played over the riff.
"That's you playing?" Vi asked in surprise, and Jinx felt Ekko looking at her.
"No, it's Silco," she answered, and Vi's expression immediately changed, making Jinx realize she had messed up. Her support was gone, Vi would join Mylo. "I thought I'd told you he'd guest."
"You probably did. I just..." She left it at that, not really needing to add more.
Jinx turned at Vander, terrified to see disappointment in his face too, but she had to know. She still found no giveaway sign of anything bad, he was simply listening to the music.
"Got a rusty clubbed-hand breaking the poor drums, but other than that, song's good," Benzo commented jokingly moments later, making Vander scoff out a laugh. He still added though, and everyone got he was no longer talking about Vander now: "Son of a bitch still knows how to play, huh."
"He's great," Jinx said before she could even think. She had a certainty in her voice unlike anything from before, and everyone noticed. Vander raised his gaze to her.
"What did Silco say?" he asked. Jinx squeezed Ekko's arm again.
"He liked it. Said it's a good song."
"He's right. It is," Vander agreed.
"Do you like it?"
"Of course."
"Really?" Her eyes then jumped to Vi, barely able to stop herself from bombarding her with needs of reassurance. She only lasted until the end of the EP before exploding: "You don't hate it?"
"What're you talking 'bout, Powder? It's pretty good," Benzo assured her. Vander nodded.
"Nice job, kiddo."
"Really?" she asked again, and again she looked at Vi. "You don't hate it?"
"It's good. Why would I hate it?" Vi said at last. Just like Ekko had said.
"I thought maybe you'd find it annoying or stupid, like I'm just whining, and I'd delete the whole thing if-"
"Why'd you do that?" Vi asked before anyone else could. "This has a lot of hard work. Don't throw it away."
"You think so?"
"Of course, Powder."
Jinx turned to Ekko, seeing his 'I told you so' smile and was unable to stop herself from smiling back.
They hadn't hated it. Vi hadn't hated it. She still liked her.
She still liked her!
"Remember what I told you, Powder," Vander said to her a couple of hours later, while a bunch of them were busy starting to prepare a late dinner. Jinx turned at him, slightly at a loss. "Be proud of your work, and also respectful of it. Don't let other people determine your worth for you, okay? You don't need our approval to find that something is good and worthwhile."
Jinx nodded, thinking he probably meant the album and her comments about it, but she actually realized the words fitted something else too. But neither Vander or Vi would stand by those same words if Jinx told them they described that. They really had their whole scopes mismatched, didn't they?
"I have to go to the bar now," he said with an apologetic tone. "Can we talk more tomorrow? There's some more things I'd like to know about the album. You're gonna sleep here, right?"
"Sure," Jinx agreed. She knew it would come, those worries Ekko had, that Vander and Vi would share. The lack of self-esteem, the mood instability, the therapy. She breathed out quietly, but called after him before he left. "Wait."
Vander turned around and Jinx threw herself at him, doing her best to squeeze him between her arms with all her strength in hopes he'd return it, break her into a million pieces and somehow fix her back together. He loved Powder. She needed him to love Jinx, but how could he ever do that? How could that ever happen?
If only his hug could grind her bones to startdust.
"He's just gonna go to work, jeez," Mylo scoffed when Vander kissed her on the top of the head.
"Don't be jealous now, Mylo," he chastised the boy playfully, but Jinx glared at him instead. She had just picked up the knife to resume cutting vegetables after Vander and Benzo left, picturing little Mylos in the place of carrots when Vi came to the kitchen too.
"Powder, can you come here for a sec?"
"Sure. Claggor, can you do this for me?" she asked, and of course Mylo couldn't stay quiet for two seconds.
"Just unjinxed ourselves, huh bro?"
"Will you stop calling her that?" Vi complained, hitting him on the back of the head. Mylo yelped, rubbing at the spot. "You are not a kid anymore, for fuck's sake."
"And you're always protecting her as if she is!"
"Mylo, just shut up," Claggor intervened before they could start bickering, picking the cutting board and pushing it into Mylo's hands. "Get busy, please."
Jinx was already in the bedroom when she realized Vi didn't actually need help with anything and just wanted to speak to her in private.
"We barely talked today, sis," she said, with a very similar apologetic tone to Vander's. "There's always something, either it's the workshop, or the boys, or something else, and I just... Especially after today's morning, I think we need to sit down for five minutes."
Jinx frowned, her eyes going towards the bunk bed on their own. She really didn't need to remember that.
"I'm sorry," Vi apologized. "I realized we haven't actually talked about Caitlyn, and it's been... a while."
"It's okay," she accepted the apology; she wasn't so sure about the second part. "You don't have to. I mean, you're an adult, you don't owe anyone a justification, certainly not me, right?"
"Well, no, I don't, but I know you're not the biggest fan of me having a girlfriend," Vi went straight to the point. Jinx's face crumpled.
She obviously didn't mean it in a homophobic sense, but in the sense Powder would've disliked anyone Vi could've chosen to date. Vi was still trying to understand how much of her dislike for Cupcake was personal, or just conceptual. This was as good of a time as any to have this conversation, and it was long overdue. If she had to think of a reason why she hadn't done this already, it was probably because everything was happening in an endless row: all the work for Grayson and that fucktard Marcus, meeting Caitlyn and falling stupidly in love with her in like five minutes, dealing with the fact she was basically dating the antithesis of herself, dealing with all her other complicated personal relationships, juggling the work at the workshop as well as the bar, dealing with Vander and all the ways they were too similar for their own good (or too similar with how he used to be), the deal with the shitty pusher, her applying for the police academy- Shit, she hadn't told Powder about that yet, either. If she said that now, Powder would think it was because of Cupcake, and there no way in hell that could be helpful.
Okay, one thing at a time, one problem at a time. Right now Vi had to deal with the real important thing.
"I want you to know that me liking Cupcake doesn't change-"
"Why do you call her 'Cupcake', seriously," Jinx muttered through gritted teeth, and even she noticed how much she sounded like Mylo right now. Vi spared her an answer to that.
"I don't want you to think I somehow like you less just because I have a girlfriend now, Powder. I really don't want things to be weird between us for whatever reason."
"I just don't understand what you see in her." Jinx only realized well after the fact that she was basically parroting Silco's own words about Ekko from yesterday.
Vi could've listed out qualities and arguments for her feelings, but she wasn't like Jinx, didn't need to justify herself to gain someone's approval.
"I mean, is there a point in me telling you? You don't have to like her, I do. Have I asked you why you like Ekko? I'm just happy to know you do."
Jinx rolled her eyes. "You know Ekko since forever, you know how he is."
"And you don't know Caitlyn yet. Can't you maybe give her a chance?"
Vi couldn't see beyond a simple case of childish jealousy. Jinx thought in extremes, that Vi knew, but she couldn't understand how Caitlyn felt like a threat, an action, to replace her for someone better, someone not broken. Maybe it was for the best that Vi didn't understand, actually; at least that way she could still be mistaken to find her sister worth loving. Why else would she want to love someone so stupid and damaged?
"Or if you can't, I just want you to know I'm not abandoning you, Powder."
Jinx raised her eyes at that.
Oh. She did see it. But-
"You'll always be my sister, Powder, and nothing is ever going to change that. Do you understand me?"
It felt like a repeat of yesterday, of Ekko's reassurances and uplifiting words, now coming from Vi herself, but instead of being a relief, of working properly this time, they just pushed tears into the corners of Jinx's eyes. She shoved her face away, angry and embarrassed at herself. God, why did she have to be this way?
Vi would never see her crying as something shameful. The only problem she saw was that her little sister, her Powder, deemed herself so low she'd didn't see herself worthy of love anymore. And that hurt. That angered Vi.
"Come here," she opened her arms, and Jinx sobbed, crumbled into her at once. Vi held her close, nuzzling her head against hers. "I love you so much, Powder."
...she wouldn't love Jinx. The unsure, the unreliable, the insecure, the fuck-up Jinx. She couldn't.
None of them could.
It's only us, Jinx.
"Let's go out tonight, what do you say?" Vi asked her gently, rubbing her back. "Have some fun, dance a bit, have some drinks? I'll let you drink alcohol."
Jinx scoffed against her shoulder, sniffing slightly. Vi didn't move until Jinx was ready to break the hug. She brushed the tears away with her thumbs and encouraged her to look up.
"You okay? Let's go check on the boys before they burn all our food."
Jinx let out a cackle and rubbed at her face again, drying the last of the tears. They left the bedroom together, and Jinx saw Ekko turn his head to her as soon as they did.
"You okay?" he asked her quietly when Jinx sat next to him on the couch. Jinx nodded.
"Yeah. I'm alright."
Ekko brushed the lock of hair she had tucked in place by the beanie and kissed her gently.
"See? I told you you didn't have to worry about Vi. She loves you."
Jinx felt her heart sink a bit. She nodded regardless.
They sat the table and ate dinner together (Mylo changed the damn channel, thankfully) and Vi asked everyone about going out for some music and drinks.
"It's too great a night to spend locked at home," she said.
"Yeah, sure!" Mylo agreed.
"I'm gonna go change!" Jinx told them, hurrying up to their bedroom, but she wasn't fast enough to miss what Mylo said.
"Wait, we're all going?" he asked, not sleek enough to save himself from being obvious "On second thought, maybe I'm gonna stay."
Jinx barely had time to react before Vi did. "Don't push me, Mylo," she said as single warning. Mylo huffed louder.
"Won't you get off my back, Vi? I just don't feel like it!"
"You're welcome to stay, man," Ekko still said before Jinx closed the door of the bedroom. Their voices muffled to a rumble. She didn't want to think about Mylo. They were gonna have fun and shake it up a bit, she was gonna be with Ekko, Vi hadn't hated the EP, she had hugged her tight. Things were good.
She fished out her phone while she undressed, remembering she hadn't confirmed it with him and typing a message to Silco.
hey dad we're gonna go to the club later and I'm gonna sleep here k? kiss kiss
He started typing some seconds later and replied fast (his typing game was improving).
You can sleep at home if you want
Jinx smiled softly. Deep down, Silco still thought she was a kid, needing to have her close to know she (and him) were safe.
u can sleep with my teddy monkey if u miss me too much xDD
He didn't indulge her with an answer. Jinx just grinned and hurried up changing, putting on a bra and a mesh shirt over it, black tattered pants and spicing the outfit up with a bunch of blue and pink belts everywhere for no particular reason, throwing black eyeshadow and lipstick and shoving her beanie back on her head. She admired the result on the mirror. Badass.
"So, where we're gonna go, again?" Claggor asked after Jinx returned.
"Well, I can't stand The Last Drop anymore, so not there," Vi vented, and no one blamed her, after working in it enough days of the week already.
"Not the Hellhole again, can we listen to something other than metal for once?" Mylo complained.
"You really can't stop whining for two seconds, can you, Mylo?" Vi said while readjusting a lock of hair in place in front of the mirror in the living room. Mylo opened his mouth but someone knocked on the door at the same time. Claggor went to answer it and Jinx's heart sank a little further when she saw Caitlyn come in, all dolled-up and pretty with a velvet dress like she was going to a fancy dinner party and not a club. Did she have any idea they didn't have her money for five-stars restaurants and private parties?
Ekko looked at her as if he'd heard her thoughts. She sighed, calming herself. Okaaaay. Make an effort.
"Everyone ready? Don't forget the keysand a coat or something!" Vi told them, her role of sister/mother seeped too deep.
Caitlyn helped the whole way (and actually the whole night, to be honest) by not really trying to engage in conversation with Jinx. That helped, as well as Ekko making her laugh and poking and cuddling her while they walked.
"Yesterday, when we were at your house," he said when they got a bit further behind from the group, his arm wrapped around Jinx's shoulder, his throat suddenly dry as he looked for words. "Were we gonna... I mean, you know, when we were making out... it seemed like we were gonna..."
She didn't want to laugh, but Ekko was so adorable when he was flustered! "We were gonna have sex sex, you mean?" she didn't resist teasing him. He pulled at her beanie and Jinx cackled, scuffling away from his grasp.
"You're terrible, Jinx."
"I know," she said with a proud grin. She shuffled back close again, throwing her braid around Ekko's shoulders. "Yeah. We were. We can try again next time, whaddya say?"
She giggled at the look on Ekko's face and kissed him on the nose.
The club wasn't jam-packed, which was a relief. The contagious music thumped in their bones as soon as they stepped inside, making them wanna dance with each beat. Jinx immediately started shaking her body in sync, headbanging to the beat and closing her eyes, the flashing lights piercing through her eyelids just the same. She pulled Ekko with her to the dancefloor while the others went to fetch drinks, enjoying the way they both found their dissonantic syncronization. Ekko had aggressive but flowed movements that Jinx complemented with jumps and headbanging, and they both smiled and laughed, enjoying their bubble of fun. They also had a blast watching Mylo throw his limbs around in his own personal dance style, but then Vi and Caitlyn joined them too, smiling and laughing too while Vi taught her some steps and yelled undecipherable things in her ear, making Caitlyn blush even under the psychadelic lights. Despite her efforts, Jinx felt the will to stand there quickly leave her and just wanted to sit down instead.
Claggor had got them a nice table and was keeping everyone's drinks. Jinx and Ekko sat down next to him and chatted for a while about games, one of Claggor's favorite subjects, talking about the latest rogue-like he was playing and things were great again. They had already moved on to summer vacation plans when Mylo showed up reeking of a beer someone had dropped on him, capsizing his own cup before heading back down to the floor for more seizuring dancing, and eventually Vi and Caitlyn joined them, sheens of sweat covering both their faces. They sat in their own corner and shared drinks, speaking very close to each other and always smiling.
From where she stood, Jinx couldn't hear their conversation, just see how lovey-dovey close and intimate they were on their side of the table. She huffed, biting down her straw and slurping her juice. At least it was slightly spiced with a touch of vodka - Claggor's treat with Vi's sanction, so she didn't need to persuade the bartender or anything. Glaring around at all the other couples that suddenly seemed like they'd spawned in the club, she huffed and sulked.
Suddenly, Jinx saw him. Sitting on one of the booths by the nearest corner, flashing the extensive artwork on his face and body ostentaciously with a golden jacket that exposed more than it covered, sitting all smug with his legs spread wide and confidently like a kingpin who owned the place: Finn.
Perking up, Jinx bit her lip at the idea that immediately snapped at her brain, her focus steering off their table and her surroundings and closing in on him. She didn't need to act on it now, recklessly, she could think on it a bit instead of jumping into it.
"I'm gonna go to the bathroom," she told Ekko instead, who barely had time to turn around before she had slithered away in Finn's direction.
Why should she wait for him to approach her? She could flip the game around. If he was plotting something against Silco, she could find out. Could play him, pretend to be against Silco (why would that work, you ask? Because it was based on truth - Silco didn't want her dealing Shimmer and she could do it) and find out if he really had something cooking or not. And if he ultimately was not planning anything, then they could. Finn was a rock in Silco's shoe. She could help get rid of him now, barons be damned.
He didn't recognized her at first with the flashing lights, busy lighting someone's cigar by his side. Jinx could hear the flick of his lighter even with the blaring music pumping from the speakers. All the buckles on her outfit eventually caught enough light to attract his attention and he turned, widening his eyes.
"Jinx?" he said, his surprise clear, but just as Jinx was opening her mouth to answer him, she noticed she knew the person sitting next to him, a cigar on her mouth and a scowling face looking at Jinx with what could only be described as wrath.
Sevika.
.
.
to be continued
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Author's note: Evil cliffhanger is evil because the chapter had to end at a certain point and because life has me on a chokehold I'm failing successfully to ignore, so either I won't update soon due to life, or I will update soon due to life.
Mylo's line "Screaming is like singing, it only sounds good if you know how to do it" is from a friend of mine when we had a conversation about a band I love. Jinx's answer about lyrics being too personal to share are what a work colleague told me about his own music. Check out Cinzas - Demo II on youtube. Some details about bikes and welding were asked to someone I know who patiently corrected my mistakes.
Music recs for this chapter:
- the depression stuff was written to loops of Angtoria's album "God Has A Plan For Us All"
- for Vander's power metal vibes, "Yggdrasil" by Brothers of Metal or "Destiny" by Stratovarius are good picks.
- for the 80's stuff, some good old "No Remorse" by Metallica
- for the rock track, "Separate Ways" by Journey is damn awesome (I never knew the original version until Stranger Things, only knew We Are The Fallen's cover)
- the song playing at the club is obviously "Dirty Little Animals" by BONES UK
- but to add another more metal clubby track, "Abracadabra" by Lord of the Lost is super fun.