"I'm worried about Mae," Ann said.
Trent was studying one of the stones they'd found and divided up. He selected one of them and then glanced over. "Me too. What are you worried about?"
"She's been acting funny," Ann murmured, studying her own stones.
Trent tossed one of the stones at the pond. It skipped twice and then sank. He made a little sound of disapproval.
"I've never actually skipped stones before," he muttered.
"It's in the wrist," Ann replied. She tossed one of her own. It skipped four times, nearly making it to the center of the pond. "Plus, it really depends on the stone."
"What have you noticed?" he asked after tossing his second stone and getting it to skip three times.
"She's grumpier now," Ann murmured. "But in a different way."
He nodded. They'd had a relatively chill weekend after watching the rough cut of Gasmask. It was Tuesday now. Ann had wanted to go out, show him something. Bea was visiting her dad at work and Mae was working on her gaming content.
"She's more likely to just sort of...walk away from problems," Trent said after a few moments of considering it. "But also I can see her getting mad over stuff, and wrestling with it. I'm worried...she's gonna snap at one of us in a bigger way, and she'll feel so bad."
"Yeah. This is one of the downsides of psych meds. For the most part, we've all got the same chemical makeup in our brains, but because of the variations, it really can be wildly different for people. One psych med can give someone exactly what they need, or it can send them into a rage, or it can drain them of their emotions, or their empathy, or give them tons of extra anxiety. Or other things. That's the problem. We generally know what will happen, or what's likely to happen, but not always," she explained. "I did a lot of research."
"Which one do you think it is?" he asked.
"Surprisingly, the anti-anxiety meds. I could be wrong, but that's what I think."
"Huh. So what do we do?" he asked.
She sighed. "Ultimately, it'll be up to what the doctor suggests and what Mae wants. Either they'll want her to just ride it out, keep taking it and see if the problem subsides, or they'll get her off of it."
"Wouldn't that be dangerous?"
"No, it shouldn't. The thing is, they started her on a low dose, and it hasn't been that long. The whole point of a low dose is that it's a test, and you should be able to stop taking it without issue." She paused. "To be clear, if you ever find yourself taking any kind of medication, you really should talk with your doctor or at least a pharmacist to check and not just stop taking it. There might be something you don't realize, but that's been my impression, and that's what I got from Mae when we talked about it more in depth."
"So...I guess, the question becomes, at what point do we maybe pursue this further?" he asked.
She sighed again and tossed another stone. "Dunno, that's the problem. I'm guessing we wait until something bad happens to really seriously pose the question. Which sucks."
"Great," he muttered. He selected another rock and tossed it. It didn't even skip once. He sighed heavily. "I've been wondering about how to handle this...are we overreacting?" he asked suddenly.
"I don't know. I don't think so. I mean, maybe we're overly cautious, but it's worth discussing. I guess I feel sorta bad, talking about her while she isn't here."
"It's for her benefit, but yeah, I kinda feel the same way." He dropped into a crouch and stared into the water. It was pretty clear. It was a decent day today, the sun was out, but there were clouds, making it not burn down from the skies above. He saw a few small fish drifting a little farther out. "Jackie's putting together another party this weekend. She just told me last night. It's on Mae's birthday, Saturday. And I'm not sure how to proceed with this information. On the one hand, I'm worried about the consequences of Mae getting pissed in public versus in private, but on the other hand, I don't want to advocate suppressing her life because of what might happen. I also don't really like the idea of keeping anything from her," he said.
He thought of not telling Bea about her dad, but that hadn't been the same thing, really.
Ann crouched down beside him. Her nearness and presence was comforting. "You're right," she said. "And ultimately, we should let Mae make her own decisions. We should all make our own decisions. And the best we can do is offer advice, and be there for her if something goes wrong."
"Do you think I'm an asshole for even suggesting keeping it from her?" he asked.
"No, Trent, I don't. Your instincts are to protect her, not to shelter her or cage her." She frowned suddenly, looked out over the pond, to the forest beyond it. They had driven for about fifteen minutes to get here. It, like a lot of places outside of Possum Springs, sat at the end of a dirt road. There were a few picnic tables back a ways, but mostly this was just forest. In the distance, through the trees, he could see an old mill of some kind. "Dennis would keep things from me. It took me awhile to figure out he was doing it to control me. To keep me from doing things that might lead me along certain paths or towards certain possibilities."
"What possibilities?" he asked.
"Mostly seeing other guys," she said. "It became isolating."
"I'm sorry," he replied.
"It's okay." She let out a little growl. "It's actually why I came out here today with you."
"Be...cause your ex-husband used to isolate you?" he asked cautiously.
"Sorta. More like-okay, so, I used to come out here with Dennis. We'd make out. Sorry if that's weird to tell you. But it was, like, our place for a little while. The place we'd come to be together. After everything that happened, you know, I just...wanted to make it something nice with you. Sort of like replace the memories." She paused, then looked away. "Fuck," she whispered under her breath.
"What?" he asked.
She didn't say anything at first, but he could sense she was upset. She sniffed suddenly. "I'm not gonna do this," she whispered.
"Ann, it's okay, whatever it is," he said, putting a hand on her back.
She turned around and looked at him. There were tears in her eyes. "It isn't fair to you," she said finally, grimacing. She blinked several times. "Goddamnit."
"Why do you think that?" he asked.
"This keeps happening." She let out a laugh suddenly, a sharp one. "We keep crying at you and you keep having to fucking deal with us."
"Ann, it's really okay. I'm not mad about it," he replied. "I just want to help."
"Goddamnit," she whispered, wiping at her eyes, "we were talking about Mae and just-"
She hugged him and he hugged her back. It was a bit awkward but they got settled on the ground and just hugged. She didn't break down sobbing, but she did cry. He held her, rubbing her back. They embraced for awhile at the edge of the pond, and when she was finished, she gave him a hard squeeze, then let go of him and turned towards the water. She looked out over it, rubbing at her eyes. After a bit she reached out and took his hand, he laced their fingers together. They sat, looking at the water, listening to the sounds of the forest and the very distant noise of the highway.
"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked.
"I guess," she murmured. "It's just...I was thinking about a fight we had. Only it's not that. It's just all of it. I wanted to go for a walk at the park. Briddle isn't as beautiful as Possum Springs. Possum Springs is a lot of things, most of them not good, but it is beautiful. Briddle's kind of more of a dump, but they've got this nice park. I liked it there. I wanted to go for a walk, to clear my head, because I was upset, and he didn't want me going, and I wanted to know why, and he finally said he thought I was going to meet a guy there, or just go hook up with some guy. That made me mad, naturally, which made him mad...I walked out in the middle of the argument. I was so mad. It was near the end. But I don't know...in a way, you changed things for me. You and Mae, but especially you. Mae's great, but I-" she hesitated.
"What?" he asked.
"I don't know, maybe it's internalized misogyny, but I always thought to myself 'I wouldn't have these problems if I was dating a girl'. I mean, I was wrong. Girls can be every bit as shitty as guys can, in all the same ways, too. It's just...you're really the only other guy I dated in, like, a significant way besides him. There was a part of me that wondered if I'd ever be able to really trust a man again, after what happened. But...it's just...how do I say it?" she muttered. "It's a little jumbled, but it's like...I knew there were good men out there. I mean, there had to be. But I thought 'I'll never find one. I'll never find a guy who treats me good, and listens to me, and isn't jealous, and really loves me'. But I found you, and you're all those things. And it's like, the more time we spend together, the more I realize how fucked up my marriage was. There's some things where I'm like 'okay yeah, that was more normal', but there's other things where I'm just realizing, like, 'I didn't have to put up with this'."
She paused and reached into her pocket, then looked around, then pulled out her pipe and lighter. She lit up and took a puff. "Sorry, I just need to relax...and I'd offer you some, but we might suddenly need to drive for some reason…"
"I get it," he said, "it's cool."
"Thanks." She laughed softly. "That's the thing. Like, I guess, I was crying because I was just remembering everything, all of it, and how much of it was bullshit. I really thought I was worthless and a fuck up. I...this isn't fair to talk about…"
"You can tell me whatever you want, Ann," he said.
"Which makes me feel like an asshole. You're so nice to me, and I repay your kindness by saddling you with this intense shit and telling you I really thought about-" She winced and took another hit. He waited. She kept silent.
He put a hand on the back of hers. "You can tell me. We're here for each other."
She sighed. "I really thought about killing myself last year," she said quietly.
"Oh...God, I'm so sorry."
She sighed. "I know. It's so heavy. Don't worry, I'm not suicidal anymore. I haven't been for awhile. I wasn't by the time we met. I had kinda forgotten about it, but I've been thinking about it ever since we saw Lori's movie. That thing at the end there, where she dedicated it to Mae for being a friend when she really needed it. I thought the same thing. Mae was my friend when I really needed it. I was super low, and I mostly hid it from her, but no one was my friend then, just my mom. And Claire, but she had her own problems. It got bad. I just didn't see any way out of my problems. I was just a fucking burden on my mom. My husband had left me for some hot gas station bitch. The drugs, the prison, the joblessness. All of it. It was too much."
She shifted, hugged her knees to her chest. "I'm sorry, this is so heavy."
"It's okay," he said.
"You always say that."
"It's always true."
"I get that, just...I don't know, man. It feels weird. I'm sure Mae and Bea have dumped a lot of stuff on you. And it's like, how do you keep up with it all? We talk to each other, and Mae's cried with me before, a few times, when it was just us, but there's just something about you that makes us want to open up and break down. Honestly, as far as I know, the only woman you've fucked and hasn't had a big emotional reaction was Jen. Unless I'm missing something."
"No, that's accurate," he said.
She looked over at him. "Why don't you tell me something then?"
"What?"
"We dump all this stuff on you, this emotional trauma, but you don't really for us. Why don't you do it? I'll listen. I'll be here for you."
"I don't know," he murmured.
"Come on. I'm okay now. Honestly, crying really chills you out. And I feel better now that I've talked about that. Gotten it off my mind...what? What's that look?"
"I was just thinking...even Mae's fucking dad opened up to me about his drinking over family dinner. Jesus, maybe there is something about me."
"Wow. That's...yeah, wow...come on, open up to me. Please? I mean, if you really don't want to, it's cool, I won't pressure you or anything. But you don't really talk about your life before Possum Springs."
He sighed heavily. "It sucked."
"I mean my life sucked before we met. So did Mae's. And Bea's."
"Fair point...all right. Well. I've got my mom and dad, an older brother, and a younger sister. I've always been kinda...I dunno, off? Like, I never felt like I fit right anywhere I was. I definitely lived in my dad's and brother's shadows. They were both heavily into sports, football specifically. Both played football in high school, my dad in college. They're both bigger than I am, more built. My dad went on to be a car salesman and he's good at it. Made enough that my mom didn't have to work. And did drugs, too. I know my dad does coke every now and then, probably still. My mom drinks. There was a lot of disappointment, really. That's most of it: disappointment. They think I'm a fucking pussy because I'd rather write than play football and I got bullied in school. My dad mostly ignored me, but my mom, I don't know…
"I think maybe she put all of her identity into being 'a mom', you know? And that meant having three perfect children, not two perfect children and a fuck up. My sister was a cheerleader and in gymnastics and was popular. Brother was a quarterback. And I was just this weirdo who'd rather stay at home writing fan fiction and playing video games than go out and pretend to be social. I didn't have great grades because I hated school. My mom tried all sorts of stuff to 'fix' me but mostly it just came off as her desperately trying to do all these things and making me do stuff I hated. And then things kind of went off the rails around the time I graduated. My brother went to college but he fucked it all up by, surprise, getting into drugs. He got booted, got a girl pregnant, spent some time in jail for drunk driving, and now is trying to pretend he's getting his shit together and work for my dad. My sister wasn't amounting to much when I left...man, I sound like an asshole."
"They sound like not the best," Ann replied.
He sighed. "Honestly, they aren't. My sister always liked to make fun of me, telling me I'd die a fucking virgin, or at best I'd have to pay for pussy to get it."
"Fuck, man. That's...absolutely inexcusable," Ann said.
"Yeah. It sucked. I mean, hey, was she ever fucking wrong. They all were. They told me my writing was a fucking waste of time, and I was just going to be a nerd loser forever. One time my dad was really drunk...he was pissed about something. I don't know what. I think maybe my mom might have cheated on him at one point. I know that they never really used to argue but at some point when I was in high school that changed all of a sudden, and they'd argue over everything. But he'd just had this big argument with her, me and my sister could hear it even though we were in our rooms, and he stomped off, and he was drunk, and he happened by my room, and looked in, and saw me, and he just said: 'we came really close to having an abortion when she got pregnant with you', and then he just walked away."
"Trent...oh my God," Ann said. She immediately turned and hugged him. "I'm sorry," she said.
He felt something twitch inside of himself. "I mean it wasn't…" He paused, his throat closing up. He swallowed, coughed. "It wasn't-"
He started crying.
It happened suddenly, all at once, and it was intense. And abruptly he knew what it was like to be on the other side of this particular encounter. He felt Ann rubbing his back, and heard her trying to soothe him, but it was distant. He could feel sobs escaping him, his body practically convulsing with them, and he squeezed her hard against himself.
He wasn't sure how long it lasted, but it seemed to go on for a long time.
When it was over, he remained as he was, hugging Ann tightly, and he realized it was because he didn't feel ready to stop holding her. To stop being comforted by her. Because it felt amazing. It normally felt good, but in the wake of the hard cry, it felt far better than usual. Finally, after a bit, he let go of her and pulled back.
"Wow," he murmured.
"How do you feel?" she asked.
He sniffed, blinked a few times, then rubbed at his eyes. "Like I need to blow my nose."
She laughed. "Yeah, that happens."
They got up and headed for the Jeep. He opened up the door and found some tissue, used it to blow his nose and clean up a bit, then they went and sat on the hood. He felt calm, really calm, zeroed out almost. And good.
"I feel like...that was humiliating," he murmured.
"It wasn't," Ann said.
"Part of me knows that. Like...my brain knows that. But my...I don't know, I don't wanna say heart because that isn't right. Some shit part of me thinks I just emasculated myself. I didn't just cry in front of my girlfriend, I fucking sobbed. I totally broke down. All because my dad just said something mean to me."
"You don't believe it, though, do you?" she asked.
He sighed, looking at the pond. "Mostly, no."
"But some yes?"
"Kind of."
"I want to say, you shouldn't believe it at all. And you shouldn't. But I also understand. There's damaged parts to us both. We're always going to have that voice that says stupid things and tries to get us to believe stupid, wrong things. But Trent, I want to reassure you, like completely reassure you, I didn't see that as emasculating at all. I don't know if it sounds fucked up, but I'm glad you did that."
"...so am I," he replied, looking at her and smiling. "You're right. It felt good. And I feel better. And I...didn't realize how fucked up I was about that. Thank you, for helping me."
"You're welcome, Trent. I love you. I thought I was done with it, but if you asked me to, and Mae and Bea were okay with it, obviously, I'd marry you."
"Oh. Wow. That's intense," he murmured.
"That's how I feel about you."
"I love you too...and I'd marry you, too." He paused, considered something. "We're all damaged, but sometimes I think your damage and my damage are the most similar."
"I think the same thing sometimes," Ann said.
"Is it fucked up that I appreciate that?"
"No," she said. "It's a thing we share. Each of us shares sometimes special and unique with the other. You have something special with Bea, something unique, and the same for Mae, and the same for me. And us with each other, too. It's okay. And it's...comforting, I think, to have similar damage."
"What now?" he murmured after a moment passed.
"Now...we should go tell Mae about that party. And make sure her birthday party is all set up, see how it aligns."
He nodded. "You're right. Let's go."