Artemis Fowl was a child genius. One who didn't like dealing with idiots, and who was forced to deal with such individuals due to his mother's insistence that he attend counseling. This was the fifth counselor to come to his school in hopes of changing his rather blunt and cold demeanor...or at least try to get him to respect authority figures enough not to make them cry with only a few words.
However this one was different from the rest in that he could barely find anything on him. Well, almost nothing, he found a damning list of injuries that he suspected were caused by the man's family when he was younger. If nothing else he could try to use that to make the man go away.
Harry Black would soon learn not to mess with an annoyed Artemis Fowl.
"So you're the one?" he said amused. The man was barely Five feet, ten inches, had shoulder length black hair held back in a simple pony tail and had emerald green eyes behind thin wire glasses.
"I assume you've been told about me," said Artemis dryly, looking bored.
"Oh, I was told about you alright. Quite a bit actually. And about your companion Butler. But from what I can see..." he left hanging long enough for Artemis to actually pay attention to what he was about to say next, "They were understating matters. You really don't like people do you?"
Artemis blinked.
"I like people well enough, Doctor Black."
"Oh, you tolerate them is more like it. You don't like them much because the sheeple are sadly, a collective bunch of morons," said Black flatly, enjoying Artemis' surprised look.
"Sheeple?" said Artemis, unfamiliar with the term.
"You got a better term for the bunch of idiots out there that follow collective opinion instead of making up their own damn minds?"
"...It's better than some of the terms I've used," Artemis admitted.
"Well, now that I have your attention, how about we get started and get this farce over with already? I can tell you don't want to be here any more than I want to hear children complain about the same damn problems worded differently a hundred times."
Artemis looked at him oddly. For some reason he was starting to like this Dr. Black. He was intelligent, had an acid wit, and didn't come to work thinking children were collective idiots and that he always knew better.
"So tell me Artemis, how did you manage to bring your mother back from the brink of insanity? Just curiosity you understand," he asked.
Artemis blinked.
"I asked a fairy."
"Really? Didn't know they had that sort of power."
"...You actually believe they exist?"
"I don't believe, I know. Though the ones I've seen generally fit the usual profile of the fairy that humans think of. What about the ones you've met?"
Now Artemis was assuming Dr. Black was pulling his leg. It annoyed him.
"They were decidedly human and roughly my size full grown. Of course there was that troll they unleash in my foyer," he said irritably.
"Trolls are a nuisance, I'll give you that much. Not very bright either."
Artemis glared at Black.
"If you are being condescending in order to lull me into a false sense of security..." he said annoyed.
"Not at all. Frankly I could care less if you were to leave the office in order to do something your mother wouldn't approve of. I'm only here because it shut up a friend of mine who kept nagging me about getting a job after I graduated that college. Hell, if you wanted I could just mark you here and let you go on your own way and work on my own projects in the time instead."
Artemis was really starting to get irritated. This man had to go, much like his predecessors.
So he tried another tactic, bringing up Black's past.
"So tell me doctor, how is it that you are so well adjusted after nine years of what I can only assume was extreme abuse?" countered Artemis.
"Going to try that card, eh? I must admit, you looked further than most. No matter to me... I didn't even cry at their funerals."
"Funerals?" blinked Artemis.
"Didn't you know? They died as humans they day I sent my so called Aunt and Uncle to the loony bin when I was knighted. My 'cousin' still talks to me but we don't see eye to eye. So go ahead, bring up the abuse if you want. But rest assured, nothing you try will get rid of me."
Artemis stared. Harry Black grinned.
Two seconds later Artemis was doused in some form of liquid that he later found out turned his hair a most horrid shade of hot pink. And just like that, Artemis declared war on the mysterious Dr. Black.
The first time Harry met Butler, the man had stared at him when he learned Harry's plan to make Artemis lighten up.
"...You intend to prank him?"
"Did you not see the pink hair?"
"You did that? I was wondering why he was muttering for hours..."
"While he is definitely the most closed off kid I have ever met, there is no way I'll let him walk over me like the others."
"Others have said that. He sent them running and crying."
"That was because they actually cared about their image and field. I only entered psychology as a lark to get a friend off my case. Plus, there is one thing Artemis has yet to figure out about me..."
Butler looked at him.
"I don't play fair and I could care less about his dignity. If he wants to be a brat, then he has to prepare for the consequences of declaring war with an unrepentant prankster."
Suddenly Butler didn't know whether to be sorry for the new counselor...or Artemis.
"...Can you take pictures?"
"Of course!"
The second appointment went much differently than the first. Mostly because Artemis had yet to figure out that Dr. Black was less interested in 'fixing' whatever social problems he had than he was in annoying the hell out of Artemis for fun.
"So tell me Artemis, why do you still believe your father is alive?"
"Because I know he is."
"Yes, but what is the source of this belief?"
"Please tell me you aren't trying to dissuade me of my 'delusions' that my father is alive. I have better things to do than listen to that," said Artemis.
"What delusions? I know for a fact that Artemis Fowl Sr. is alive. I'm just curious as to how you knew when his own wife lost her mind temporarily from the shock."
Artemis blinked. That wasn't the answer he was expecting.
"How do you know he's alive?"
"Ah, ah, ah! That would be telling. It's far more amusing to watch you jump through hoops trying to figure me out than it is to try and 'cure' you like all the other idiots."
"And what about my attempts to get rid of you?"
"Like I said before, I could care less. If you actually succeeded then I would have the amusing sight of watching you tear into my friend for getting me fired. She could use someone to argue against that won't bore her to tears," said Black amused.
Artemis left that meeting about ready to pull his hair out. Black was frustrating and he insisted on pranking him at the end of every meeting!
"I don't believe it... How long has it been since he was hired?" asked Professor Samuels.
"Four weeks. He's lasted the longest and he's had three sessions with Fowl," said Mr. Micheal in wonder.
"Three... that's two more than the rest! And have you seen Fowl when he comes out? He looks like someone actually dared to prank him!"
Samuel had to ask.
"How did you do it? He's sent four others out of here crying!"
Black paused from his lunch.
"You mean Fowl?"
"Yes we mean Fowl! How the hell have you managed to keep your sanity with him?"
"Easy. I don't bother trying to cure him. I've spent the last three sessions just annoying the hell out of him in a way that the headmaster can't get onto me for."
"What about Mrs. Fowl? Surely the brat has told lies about you to get rid of you?" said Micheal.
"You mean Angeline Fowl? Bwahaha...once I told her what my plan was she gave me the all clear! She said so long as I don't do anything that will traumatize or injure her son she would let me prank him as much as I want!"
"..." neither of the teachers could believe what they were hearing.
"I know people like Fowl. Hell, one of my best friends is a lot like him. She hates dealing with idiots as well, and it took years before she lightened up. You don't treat child geniuses or teenagers like children. You treat them like they are capable, thinking individuals with their own views and opinions. Treating someone like Artemis Fowl like a child who isn't capable of thinking for himself and has that high an IQ is just asking for trouble."
Unknown to the other teachers, Artemis had placed a microphone in that lounge. Hearing his own mother had agreed to let the pranks continue grated on him. However he was gratified to hear that Dr. Black didn't view him as a child without a mind of his own, but rather as a capable human being who was forced to tolerate complete idiots.
Didn't mean that he wasn't going to declare revenge though.
His first act of war was a bucket over the open door. It was full of foul smelling mud.
He was annoyed when it hit Butler rather than Black.
"Told you it would work," said the smug Black.
Butler grumbled and handed him ten pounds. They had a bet on whether Black could get Artemis Fowl to lighten up a bit.
Artemis fumed.
Angeline Fowl was very pleased with this new psychologist. It seemed his approach was actually working, unlike the last ones. She didn't mind that her son's dignity was taking hits because of harmless pranks if it got him to loosen up a bit.
According to Dr. Black (and confirmed by Butler) Artemis was already starting to act his age. He had attempted a harmless prank on Dr. Black today. She had only high hopes for this young man.
It was the talk of the school. Dr. Black appeared to be winning in the war against Fowl. Artemis looked rather angry that Black was still around, and a minor prank war had been declared between the two.
Though they did declare a truce when Artemis left for a week. Dr. Black took that time to deal with personal matters.
Artemis was in shock when he saw Dr. Black in France. Even more so when the man winked at him and waved at Holly.
"Oh no... not him!" said Holly.
"You know him?"
"Harry Black?! Every fairy knows of him! He's the only one suicidal enough to break into a goblin controlled bank! And we're talking the sane goblins, not the ones that we usually deal with!"
"...Wait, he knows about fairies?"
"How do you know that man?" asked Holly.
"...He's a psychiatrist in my school."
"Him? Helping people like you become normal? I'll believe it when I see it. That man is as messed up as you can believe. And it only gets worse when magic comes into play."
"He's magical?"
"Harry Black is a wizard. Probably placed a tracing spell on you out of concern."
"Not really. More along the lines of I asked Butler and he told me," said a voice behind them.
"...!"
It was Dr. Black.
"Hello Ms. Short. How is Root?" asked Black pleasantly.
"Fine, for the most part," she replied.
"Anyway, I heard from Butler that you received an e-mail about your father, and I thought I could offer my assistance in order to make it easier. Out of all the boys in that school you interest me the most Artemis."
"Why didn't you tell me you were magical?!" he demanded. All that time dancing around fairies, and the man turns out to be in contact with them!
"And ruin my fun watching you tear your hair out trying to figure me out? No thanks!"
Butler came out with information. Apparently the guy he was sent to question about the batteries had been hit with the Fairy Mesmer enough times that he was no longer quite sane.
Still, at least they had a lead.
Harry called in a few favors and found that Artemis Fowl Sr. was being held somewhere in a very isolated part of Russia. Fortunately he had friends in that area. Namely a certain Quidditch star named Victor Krum.