Disclaimer: I do not own Tales of Phantasia, nor any other fine Namco characters, plots, or productions. (or Tetris)

Warning: This contains a few spoilers. And things children should not bare witness to.

----------Tales of Phantasia: New Titles ----------

Scene One: On the hunt

"Well mom, dad, I'm off to go hunting with Chester! See you soon!" Cress smiled and skipped out the door.

"Hey Cress, I gotta give this apple to my sister, I'll only be a sec."

"I'll come with you, what harm could it do?"

"Ok Cress… but you know what happened last time…" Chester said worriedly. Cress shuttered

--- Flashback: The Day Before ---

Cress was bound to a chair and gagged. "Oh Cress-y-poo…. Let's play dress-up the doll… I'll take off your clothes and play with you…" Ami smiled. Cress struggled with all his might to break free. She was just about to take off Cress's clothes before Chester busted in.

"AMI! Stop!" Chester grabbed a rope that was tied around Cress. "How old do you think you are? Yes, sure, mom always said this is how she got dad to marry her, but you're still a kid! Good little girls don't act like this." He stormed out pulling Cress by his hair.

"Well then… this Cress doll will have to do!" Ami grinned like a lion on the prowl.

-----End Flashback-----

"I almost forgot about that…" Cress said as he entered Chester's house. His eyes were wide open, he jumped at any sound.

"Oh get over it Cress, I'm here so Ami won't try anything."

"I hope you're right"

Ami took a big deep breath. Her prey was close, she could smell him… getting closer and closer…

"Ami, I have an apple for you…"

"APPLE!" Ami exclaimed leaping up out of the potted plant. "Aww… Big brother… you made me give away my location…"

"Cress doesn't want you to do that to him anyways. Here's your apple."

-Chester gained the title: Plot Foiler-

Scene Two: Mother.

"Hey, HEY! Not so rough! I'm tender you know!" Cress yelled as he was tossed into the prison cell. "I guess this is what I get for traveling alone." Cress got up and looked around. "How am I supposed to get out of here…" A hand appeared from a hole in the cell wall.

"Take this earring… Put it up against the wall…"

"I don't know… I learned never to trust strange, unfamiliar hands in Health Class…"

"Just do it damn-it! I mean… um… there is candy over here if you bust down this wall and save my daughter…"

"CANDY!" Cress smiled and swiped the earring. The wall crumbled and Cress walked through the opening. "Duuuuude…." He saw a woman pinned to the wall by a sword. "That looks like a really sucky sword." He pulled the sword from the woman's bosom.

"YOU GOT A: Long Sword"

"I knew it! It is a sucky sword… oh well, it'll have to do." He carelessly walked over to the cell door and opened it with his newly acquired sword. He looked around… taking his time to escape… when he saw a girl about his age in another cell. 'Hey she's kinda hot…' He thought to himself. He opened the door to her cell. "Hey…"

"Is that your long sword or are you just happy to see me?" The girl muttered sarcastically looking at his pants. "Well thanks for rescuing me. Let's go find my mom and then leave."

"Your mom? Is she about yea high and has blonde hair like yours?" The girl, who we'll call Mint because she looks like a Mint, nodded ecstatically. "Well she's over here I'll show you. She gave me this sword." He held up the bloody blade. They walked over to the cell that was beside Cress's. "Well there she is!" Cress smiled spreading his arms out in a 'Ta-da' fashion.

"Mu….Mu…MOM!" Mint broke out into hysterics. Cress stood there finally realizing that was probably not the greatest idea he had ever had. He tried to get her to cry on his shoulder, having other intentions in mind. "You heartless little bastard!" She said pushing him away.

-Cress gained the title: Ass-Hole-

Scene Three: That Warm Mint-y Goodness.

"CHESTER!" Cress fell on his knees and cried towards the heavens.

"Oh Cress… are you ok?" Mint asked placing her hand on his shoulder. "He meant a lot to me too. Through this part of the story line I am overly concerned about a friend of yours I just met, and you as well."

"Thank you Mint. I feel comforted. I will kill Dhaos for killing Chester! I am glad you will aid me on a surely perilous adventure that will introduce us to new people who will join us for their own reasons, yet soon will want to fight for an entirely different reason!"

"Let us embark." Mint smiled.

"So… The Inn; You; Me; and unscripted, cut-out cut scene?"

"No Cress, the story line is E-10, we don't have any protection, and I still hate you for what you did last scene."

-Cress gained the title: Unlucky Man.-

Scene Four: Many Engagements.

"Hey lookie! Some girl is hide'n in the bushes!" Cress smiled walking into a Euclid of the past. "Hey there babe. I'd like to show you my weapons of choice: this is my long sword it's seven inches, and all yours. This is my sword, a rapier. The rapier slices, dices, and juliennes! My long sword just goes in and out of your sheath all night."

"Um...um...eek..." The female hides behind the tree.

"Uh Cress, maybe we should ask her if she needs help..."

"I can help her out in sooooo many ways..." The girl tried to get up and run after Cress's last remark.

"Cress... stop, you're scaring her..." as Mint said this, the female of the bushes, who looks like a Nancy, ran straight off the nearest cliff. "Damn-it Cress... If it wasn't for you thinking with something other than your brain... Those wedding gloves would have been mine. They would have looked so nice on me too..."

"What are you talking about?" Cress stood there puzzled.

"Maybe... yes, he could still get married... I could hook him up with... I don't know anyone in the past... Cress could... In a dress he'd--"

"NANCY! NOOOOOO!" A blue haired boy... who looks like a boy only with blue hair, jumped off the cliff after The Nancy.

"Well Damn. There goes that sub-quest, gloves, and title." Mint said shaking her head. Cress was sitting with his legs over the cliff, eating pop-corn. She wanted to push him off... she got closer and closer...'wait' she thought, 'he buys me things... weapons and items... If I kill him... I'd have to buy my own things... he can live... for now...' She sat down next to him.

"Ha ha ha! Look at that guy's legs! They're half way up his back! And her arms are twitching! This is better than seeing that dead broad plastered against that cell wall!"

"You mean my mother?" Mint glared at him. She didn't give a damn if she had to buy her own things, this bastard will die by her hand.

"...Mint... I'm sorry I shouldn't have said that... and I shouldn't have shown you your mother... could you please forgive me?" Cress said with a tear in his big puppy dog eyes. Mint's hand stopped millimeters away from his back.

"Cress..." Mint smiled, "You're so sweet... I forgive you."

"Yay! But you do have to admit her face was funny looking."

"I'll give you that!" Mint chuckled, "Her face was all scrunched up and her eyes were wide open. Her tongue was even hanging out!" They both had a good laugh for a few minutes.

"So what are we supposed to be doing?" Cress asked Mint.

"Looking for some guy named Claus, he lives in this town, uses books as weapons, summons spirits by forming pacts, and--"

"How do you know all this?" Cress exclaimed

"Just a guess!" Mint said hiding a book behind her back. "Now let's go." The hero and heroine… heh heroine… made their way to a house in the north part of Euclid.

"Yes, yes, yes…" ? panted.

"Right in there, oh yeah, oh yes… nice and tight…" another ? moaned.

"You're so big…" ? #1 said then screamed.

"Millard that's what I like about you… you're a screamer" ? #2 grined.

"Go a little slower honey, make it last longer." Millard bargained

"Ok dear…" ? responded. At this time Cress and Mint were inside the house. Mint was looking at the books and Cress was eating pop-corn and taking notes. "Millard, you know how I said I can summon things?"

"Yes Claus sweetie, I do…" Millard quivered.

"Here the best of them just for… you…" Claus panted. "I summon: SP--"

"Um Claus, is it? What are you going to summon, and will this be on the test?" Cress asked innocently still taking notes. "And was that a corny sex joke you just made? The whole 'I can summon things' bit?"

"WHA!" Claus jumped up off of Millard. "WHAT THE HELL PUNK!" Claus's heart was racing, not only from the recreation, but also from the sudden shock of someone watching them. "And why are you taking notes?"

Mint walked into the room at this time. "Well I was taking notes… because… because… I'm still a virgin…" Mint blushed as Cress admitted his secret.

"And I can see why…" Claus shook his head. "I hate when people walk into my house with out knocking or anything. Of course when I do it, I don't think anything of it. Now what do you want?"

"Can you come with us… we need magic to defeat Dhaos." Cress asked.

"Yes." Claus said.

"That's it? No asking questions? You don't want any money?"

"Nope, you just get to buy me stuff."

"Ok…." Cress muttered. Mint placed her hand on his shoulder. "Mint?"

"Cress… I accept your offer."

"What offer?" Mint whispered in his ear. "Oh, that offer…" Cress grinned

-Cress gained the title: Smooth Negotiator-

Scene Five: So What Do You Think: Part 1

"So… Cress… What do you think about Mint? She's pretty hot don't you think?"

"What are you talking about Claus?" Cress asked, he was a little startled by this sudden and forward question.

"You know… you want her to hammer your nail? Ride your bus? You want to get her in the good spot?"

"Oh that? Been there, done that…"

"Cress, I mean sex."

"oh, OH! No… we haven't done that…" Cress blushed

"But what about… in the last… scene I thought…" Claus was needless to say, confused.

"Claus! Seriously… these cut-scenes often have nothing to do with each other… When were you born? Yester century?"

"Actually… by your time period… Yes." Claus informed him.

"Some scenes have things in common some don't. And some are just fillers to show the place in the overall story."

"Cress… I still don't get it…"

"Let me explain….."

-Cress & Claus gain the title: Mindless, Blathering Idiot.-

Scene Six: What's My Name Again?

"Whoa… Dude… This is just like Toltus…" Cress looked around hoping to find a survivor.

"This is what happened to your village? Wow… I'm sorry…" Claus said looking at all of the debris.

"This must be Dhaos's work…" Mint said a few prayers for the ones lost.

"I must have must revenge…" A pink hair girl muttered.

"HEY!" Cress jumped "Are you the one who did this?"

"Cress… she's a victim can't you see?" Mint said softly.

"Oh, I'm sorry…" Cress placed his hand on her shoulder, and had not one dirty thought in his mind. "This there anything we can do to help?"

"Yes…" The girl said. "I must find them; they did this to my village, my parents…"

"We'll help you. We will get them." Cress stood up. They made their way to the villains. The girl, we'll call her Arc--… Rhea, told them of the villains hiding spot. It was easy to find. "You, you were the bastard who killed Rhea's parents weren't you!"

"What is it to you, boy? The girl, Rhea, she is dead."

"This is Rhea right here." Cress said raising his voice.

"That girl, she is not Rhea."

"YOU LIE!"

"Watch your tongue boy! I kill, I slaughter, I ravage, I steal, I corrupt, I destroy; But I, do not lie!"

Cress saw the fiend's true form in the mirror. "Even if you do speak the truth… you serve Dhaos. You shall die." Some hours later… Cress and the others return to the destroyed town.

"Thank you…" Rhea fell to the ground. Then the girl got back up. "Wha-What happened?" She looked at the three adventures. "You avenged Rhea didn't you? I'm Arche. Rhea was a dear friend of mine. I allowed her take over my body… Thank you on her and my behalf."

"Well we got our fourth party member… let's go to the next continent over." Claus said packing up.

"But first… let's make a memorial for Rhea, and everyone else." Cress said smiling a Arche.

"Yes, Let's."

-Cress, Mint, And Claus gained the title: True Hero (Heroine)-

Scene Seven: Boat Ride.

"So Meia what are you doing on this boat anyways?" Claus asked

"Well-"

"Cress no… not there…" Arche muttered

"What the…?" Meia exclaimed softly.

"Don't worry she's just dreaming…"

"Cress… ohh… don't sick it in there… it won't fit…" Claus and Meia raised a brow. "Cress… if you stick it in there… when more stuff comes…" Claus and Meia start to get up. "…the whole thing… will fill up too quickly…"

"What the hell is she dreaming about?" Claus asked rhetorically

"..oooooOOH Cress… It's getting too full… stop it quick… you're going to lose it…"

"OH-KAY THEN… I'm off to my quarters…" Meia said walking away

"Same here…" Claus ran off.

"Cress… you really suck… at playing Tetris... you know that right?" Arche muttered with a smile, "Well… a bet is a bet… you lost… take off your clothes… and forget about everything else…"

-Arche gained a new title: Awkward Dreamer-

Scene Eight: So What Do You Think: Part 2

"So… Cress… what do you thing about Arche?"

"This again Claus?"

"Yes Cress… This again. HEY! I get it! This is a scene that relates to the other one!"

"Very good Claus…" Cress threw Claus a doggy-biscuit.

"So..?"

"Arche? She's hot, man, she's hot." Cress grinned.

"Mint or Arche?"

"Arche… By a long shot." Cress sighed "I wonder if she likes me?"

"She might… You might even be her dream guy…"

"You really think so Claus?" Cress jumped for joy

"Yes I do believe so…"

-Claus gain the title: Knowledgeable Friend-

Scene Nine: Back to the Future and Then Some.

"I hate this place…" Cress muttered

"We've been running around in there for hours." Claus mumbled.

"Four? Think it's been more like seven…" Cress stated

"I MEANT F-O-R! NOT THE NUMBER FOUR!" Claus yelled.

"Men…" Mint remarked to Arche.

"Yeah… But Cress is quite hot…"

"I know isn't he?" Mint giggled.

"Have… you and him… you know…"

"Yes… quite a few times actually…" Mint beamed. "He's quite large, if you know what I mean."

"Oh…." Arche looked down.

"Don't worry" Mint winked. "We can share him… I know he won't mind."

"Ok" Arche smiled.

"Finally!"

"Hey girls, Claus found the exit… entrance… thingy…"

"What is it? A Save spot? A Ninja Village Hot Spring? Or A Space-Time Transporter?" Arche asked.

"Aye ahm teh Mudder Compueder Rum--"

"—Thingy!" Cress leapt at the opportunity.

"Ves… Tingy… An-ee-vay Leatz git dew eet. Eye vill heel ewe, theen zend u bak two ur oh-n tyme."

"What with the computer thing..? It's talking weird." Cress said to Claus.

"I don't know, but it seems like we can go to your time and save your friend."

"Ok cool"

"Ves eet iz qwite qwool. Oar-y-vois!"

"Hey… We're back in the catacombs…" Mint and Cress said simultaneously

"Wow. Hey there's Dhaos again" Arche looked at the two men that were trying to stand. "I guess that wimpy guy is Chester."

"HEY!" Chester yelled.

"Well… Shall we?" Claus said opening his book.

"Yes." The other three said in unison. After a long but easy battle with Dhaos, he ran away again. The seven people in the catacomb ran for their lives. Chester the weakling joined the party. They went back to Thor and then another 50 years into the future.

"Ok… Only four of us can fight… what should we do?" Cress asked already knowing the answer. "Ok. Claus, you're out, Chester you're in."

"WHAT?" Claus exclaimed.

"Well, Chester needs the exp, you cast spells and the wrong times, or the wrong ones at the right times. Plus I can't get rid of Arche she's hot.--"

"Thank You."

"And Mint heals, and is great in bed. Speaking of which…. Arche… tonight?"

"Sure."

"Ok fine… I see your point…" Claus sighed. "He is pretty scrawny, so he can take my place for now."

"WILL YOU STOP CALLING ME WEAK?"

-Chester gain the title: Little, Scrawny, Wuss-Bag-

Scene Ten: Victory

"I Won! I Won!" Arche exclaimed like a little school girl.

"Pssst... Hey Creeeess..." Chester whispered nudging Cress.

"What?" Cress asked mimicking Chester's quietness. Chester just grinned and
pointed up. Arche was floating right above them; her dress was no help in
protecting her from the perverts down below. Mint and Claus caught them red
handed.

"Kinda makes you wish you were a broom doesn't it?" Claus asked Cress.

"Oh yeah it does..." Cress muttered awkwardly... his brain was running low
on blood. At this time Mint had gotten Archie's attention. Needless to say Arche
was both flattered and furious.

"And what do you boys think you are looking at?" Arche demanded.

"Uh... uuhhh..." Chester mumbled in a panic

"...heaven..." Cress sighed.

-Cress gained the title: Very Lucky Man-
-Chester gained the title: Bloody Pulp-

Scene eleven: Stealthy Tactics

"Ok, obtain Chester's Bow, Check. Beat the crap out of the trainee's at the Dojo, Check. Get more than Chester ever will, triple check!"

"Cress I can here you" Chester said stomping his foot.

"Let's go visit that ninja girl." Claus said pulling out the map.

"Yes then we can get her to join our party by having Cress face her parents in battle." Mint said to the group.

"What? Are you an oracle? Can you see the future?" Cress asked Mint, poking her non-stop.

"No… just a guess…" Mint replied hiding a book again.

-Later in the Euclid Coliseum-

"I hate Golems and Gazer Kings!" Cress sobbed.

"NOW, Cress it's time for the final battle…" The announcer boomed

"CRAP! I have only an orange gel left… and the Gazer King left me with sub-par health…" Two Ninja appear.

"Hello. We were expecting your arrival. It is time to die."

"AHHH" Cress got beat down.

"NO!" Arche cried

"Don't worry Arche, they didn't hurt him were it hurts you know." Mint smiled

"Oh, ok good. Hey look it's … she looks like a Suzu, let's call her that"

"Yes lets! Good idea Arche!" Mint and Arche hopped up and down.

"It might be a good idea because that is her name… Hey look she's killing those two ninja from out of no-where!" Claus said.

"THOSE NINJA ARE HER PARENTS!" Chester yelled.

"Suzu Joins Your Party."

"Cool." Chester sighed. "I'd hate her not to join our party; she's one bad mutha…"

-Suzu gained the title: Grounded For Life-

Scene twelve: So What Do You Think: Part 3 (or Hot Springs Scene #3)

"So Cress… What do you think about Suzu?" Claus asked Cress

"I dunno… she's ok… I like Arche and Mint better."

"I think she's fine, I think I'm going to ask her to be my girl--"

"Wow Suzu, you're thinner than me, but you are well proportioned." Arche said a little too loud.

"Hey what'd they just say?" Chester asked the other two.

"Something about boobs!" Cress exclaimed giddily.

"Let's go look." Chester said sneaking up to the wall. Cress followed.

"She's right, you do look good. How old are you?" Mint asked Suzu.

"..mhmhmmm.."

"What? Speak up…"

"…eleven…."

"YOU'RE ONLY ELEVEN! AHHH!" Chester screamed, passing out.

"Um… Suzu… could you leave us for a moment?"

"I will do so, Arche-chan" Suzu got her clothes on and waited outside.

"Cress, while you're over there, why don't you come in here with us…" Arche giggled.

"OKAY!" Cress hopped over the wall.

-Chester gained the title: Honorary Virgin for Life-

Scene thirteen: Where's the Beef?

"Hmm… I'm in the mood for some tenderloin…" Claus smiled opening the magical food bag that stored fifteen of every type of food possible and kept it from spoiling. "ALL THE BEEF IS GONE!" Claus yelled. "Someone must have eaten it all. I see steak ingredients are gone…" He summoned Origin. "Can you change things at whim?"

"Yes Claus I can… What is it you want? I'm in the middle of a Tetris game with Luna and Undine… If I win they have to get naked…"

"And if you lose?" Claus asked getting off track.

"They make me hang out with Gnome for five minutes."

"Sounds pretty unfair for them…" Claus said raising an eyebrow.

"UNFAIR? Even being around Gnome for a second is a pain worse than death. Five minutes would be like an eternity… and I would know. I'd kill myself." Origin grabbed a paper bag and started breathing into it.

"Then why take the risk?"

"Have you ever seen Undine naked?" Origin asked.

"Uh… No."

"Me either; no one has! That's why I must do this! I want to see what she has hiding."

"You know, curiosity killed the cat." Claus advised.

"Yes, Yes… Now what was it you wanted? I really want to get back to this game; I'm this close to winning!"

"Oh yes, that. I want you to change everyone's heads in this party into the last thing they have eaten, after right now. Need to catch the beef hog."

"Taking 'you are what you eat' to a new level, eh? Well I can do that." Origin snapped his fingers. "Ok now… back to the game… hee hee hee…"

"Did… Origin just… giggle? Oh well, I guess I better test this out…" He grabbed a thing of Fresh Milk. He drank it, and his head turned into a carton of Fresh Milk. "Ha, Ha! Now… to find the person who has been eating all of our steaks…" Claus walked out of the Slaughterhouse Inn. After he left; Arche, Cress, and Mint walked in past him. "Chester seems to be a meat eater… big ole', juicy steak kinda guy. I'll look for him first." He came upon garden-fresh salad sitting on a bench. "Chester?"

"What?"

"Dang… I could have sworn you were the beef thief… heh, I rhymed."

"Claus… didn't you know? I'm a vegetarian." Chester stated.

"But I thought you and Cress hunted together."

"We did! He took home the meat, I took home the fur." Chester smiled. "Then I'd make fur coats and blankets for me and my sister."

"Oh….Kay… Whatever… see ya later… pansy" Claus left and continued his search. He walked into the village's food store. No one even blinked an eye as the man with a carton of milk for a head walked in, anything was normal. "I might as well restock. Maybe I'll catch the meat hog in the process." He was looking through the slabs of beef, when he saw a rather peculiar cut of beef. It was attached to the neck and body of a young girl. "It was you!"

Suzu jumped up "How did you know?" A magical group 'duh' came from the people in the store. "I'm sorry Claus-sama; I needed beef to get stronger. If you'd notice most of the eggs are gone to…"

"It's ok…"

"Really? Suzu smiled looking up at Claus.

"NO!" He grabbed Suzu's arm and dragged her outside. "I found the BEEF HOG!"

Chester came running with a quiche for a head. "I thought you said you were vegetarian…"

"I am, this is an all veggie quiche." Chester looked at the two of them. "What's up? I could here all the way from the other side of town."

"I found the person who was eating all of our--" Cress, Arche, and Mint ran out of the Inn and joined the others. The three had rather… questionable heads…

"It looks like Suzu isn't the only 'meat' hog in our party." Chester snickered.

"Alright… let's end this…" Claus raised his hand "Origin" Nothing happened. "Origin" Nothing happened again. "That's weird… he must be busy… I'm sure it'll wear off soon anyways."

--- In the Spirit Realm ---

"And you were worried… I told you Luna, I always win at Tetris." Undine smiled.

-Chester gained the title: Pansy-

-Mint and Arche gained the title: Friendly Female-

-Cress gained the title: Very, Very, Lucky Man-

Scene fourteen: Dhaos's Dilemma

"Why are you here?" Dhaos demanded as the party entered his throne room, which was decorated with a nice… spacey theme.

"We have come to defeat you evil scum!" Cress called.

"Pah, whatever… do you even know why I am doing what I'm doing?"

"Save your talk! We. Fight. NOW." Cress declared. Cress, Arche, Mint, and Claus defeated Dhaos again… thus being the third time.

"Will you just leave me alone?"

"NEVER DHAOS! NEVER!" Cress screamed.

"I'm just trying to--"

"CHARGE!" Cress and the crew beat the snot out of Dhaos for the fourth time

"I want to get rid of Magitech… it's sucking up all the mana…" Dhaos pleaded.

"YOU TREE-HUGGING HIPPIE!" Cress taunted

"I'm not a tree-hugging-fag hippie damn-it!"

"Hey don't diss the tree huggers!" Chester said slamming his foot down. Everyone just looked at him. "What?"

"TIME TO FINISH YOU DHAOS!" Cress boomed. Dhaos transformed into Plume Dhaos but it was no use. The team beat the living crap out of him. Dhaos: 0 Heroes: 5.

"What… the FUCK… is WRONG with you people?" Dhaos wept. "I just wanted to save my friggin home planet… is that so damn wrong… why, why, why flipping why?" Dhaos crawled over to Cress and grabbed onto his leg. "You bastard… was it I that killed your family… what reason did you have? I was saving your world more than harming it…" He coughed a bit of blood, "Now… I just know it… this technology will advance… Soon… it will spread to the moons of this planet…"

"You mean Sylverant and Tethe'alla?" Claus asked.

"Yes… and they can all blame you…. All of you…" He coughed up more blood in a spasm, "they will farm human lives… not just mana alone… don't you care? Ah screw it you don't give a rat's ass…" Dhaos died.

"Don't worry guys! That'll never happen!" Cress chuckled.

"You're right!" They chuckled with him

-Dhaos gained a title: Deceased-

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And with that I bid you farewell. I may update this later. I hope you had as much fun reading as I did writing. Please Comment and Critique. Thank you to Namco for making the best Game Boy Advanced game we've had in a long time, Thanks also for the Tales saga. I'd also like to thank Blazing Fool for reading each scene as I went along, and pushing me forward. Ok and Thank you all for reading. Fin