Disclaimer: I do not own Futurama I am broke the only thing I own is my sacred irregular Oreos (I don't own Oreos so don't sue about them either).
Diary of Phillip J Fry
My day started when Bender smashed a beer bottle, held it to my neck and asked; "Where's my sombrero!" I told him it was mine, not his.
Anyway when I got to work, I had a band-aid on my neck and it hurt a little. My breakfast was a pickle sandwich which I gave to Zoidberg for $2000000.
We had to go on a delivery of fluffy toilet seats to Urectum. We were captured by the Evil Bum Master and managed to escape, but the door closed on Leela's leg and chopped it off.
The Evil Bum Master used it as a paperclip but his papers got all bloody.
Bender was so grossed out but his memory card exploded and set me on fire but the Professor had a backup disc at the office.
Leela managed to get back her leg which Zoidberg blu-tacked back on and put me out.
I accidentally let go of the $2000000 note and it flew onto a power line. Damn!
I've learnt my lesson about messing with power lines.
We had to deliver a package of petrol to Oxide 4, the gas planet.
We blew it up, destroyed the entire civilisation and went back to earth covered in ashes. There was something strange about Zoidberg at lunchtime, I was seeing double. Four heads!
Anyway, Nibbler told me that I had to fight the brain spawn otherwise his home planet, Eternium, would be destroyed, but hey, can't win em all.
The people of Osiris 4 came and tried to kill bender, but we heaped a few bananas on him and they thought he was a bowl and I think they tripped over and got internal brain damage.
Zoidbergs great uncle Zoid died and he got 20 bucks.
Bender shoved my head into the teleporter and I went back to the cryogenic lab.
It turned out my mum was frozen to but for another 30 years I tripped and fell on the control and made it another 200 years. Then the guys kicked me out for stealing their Seymour Asses' pizza. Anyway, it was a pretty normal day.
From Phillip J Fry