Chapter 12:

I Dream of Mione

Beta and co-author Lukanicus

Hermione is looking for Harry. "Seamus can you stop picking your nose long enough to answer me?"

Seamus Finnegan forced his index finger further up his nose in an attempt to annoy his fellow Gryffindor more.

"Yuk! Seamus that is just gross." Seamus relented, wiping his hand in his hankie, and paid attention to what Hermione was trying to ask, finding it really hard.

"Have you seen Harry around, I have been looking for him for ages now. I was with Ron, and then all of a sudden I must have misplaced him - as he was there one minute, then I stopped someone to ask if they had seen Harry. And when I had finished having a chat about where Harry could be, he wasn't there anymore."

"Who are you looking for again? Ron or Harry, cause your confusing me with your ranting woman?"

"Harry, I mean Ron, I mean both."

"I can see why Ron must have ducked for cover; he just can't compete against Harry the poor bastard." Seamus whispered under his breath.

"What was that? Oh, no matter, If you haven't seen him then kindly stop holding me up?" And with that Hermione put her nose in the air and walked off in a huff.

"You may want to try Moaning Myrtles bathroom," Seamus offered as a passing gift. "He often goes there to be on his own."

"Thanks Seamus, I will do."

0

"Hi Ron."

"Hi Myrtle, I just kind of wanted to be on my own if that is ok."

"Humph, nobody talks to me anymore; I will be in my toilet if you want me." Myrtle dive bombed into her toilet, not even realising that Ron was talking to her.

"Harry hasn't been in any classes today, I'm really worried about him. He was in a strange mood yesterday, he said he had a head ache but I don't know. Seems to me, at times that I am always the last to know, Hermione goes off and does her own thing when she wants to. And Harry can be all dark and mysterious whenever he takes his fancy, but I can't, I have to 'Sit there and watch the corridor Ron', never 'you go first hero, they'll never tackle you.' Or 'You speak to him Ron, he's being quite unreasonable.'

Always the same, I swear at times I feel like a bloody house elf. You know who it is that holds all this together? Yer it is me!

I sit there and smile looking at my two heroes, and all the time they confuse my laid back attitude as me being a bit thick. Merlin the number of times I remember saying
'Wow that's fantastic Harry' or 'Core Mione, you are so clever, bet you know more than most of the teachers.' Well, I have just stopped counting.

Neither of them has ever really given me any credit for the wonderful things that I can do. Of course there are loads of things that I'm better than the pair of them at you know. Honest, what you think I'm stupid as well? Keeping quiet I see.

Who sacrificed himself and nearly died when the chess game wanted to kill them both to protect the Philosopher's Stone? Who? Yep that was me, it was.

Who had to stay in the infirmary for two weeks when I jumped in the way of the Grim that was trying to kill Harry then was dragged me off with a broken leg? I did, yes plain old boring bloody Ron.

And who was the one who rescued the said 'hero of Hogwarts' when his horrible evil, Muggle relatives locked and barred him in his room? Yep, that was me again.

Who has had to sit every night for the last six weeks seeing his best friend, cry uncontrollably in his sleep? Screaming another boy's name and not being able to tell him I know. Not knowing how to tell him that you love him as a friend, that no matter what you would never ever desert him. Even if he does love another bloke and that bloke is someone you hate. All because you would cause too much embarrassment, and you're not supposed to be sensitive, not you, you're supposed to be thick, reliable ginger fucking Ron.

Do you know what its like to never try and excel in anything? All because the person who lights up the world to you when they walk in the room is so absorbed with being the best; that if she felt you could also do the Patronus charm, or could master Wingardium Leviosa when you were six, she would feel insignificant. So you deliberately get things wrong, it makes you needier, and needy means affection, and affection means that she gets to spend more and more time with you, and more time means you're happy.

I know she isn't even interested in me. I cry each night in my bed when I try and think of her with me and all I can see is her with him. It's not his fault, he doesn't notice that she has fallen in love with him, he couldn't, wouldn't, not now.

But you can tell that even with all that knowledge she has amassed from all the thousands of books that she has read, she hasn't yet mastered the one thing my mum says makes us all easier to understand, 'body language.'

I can see it as clear as the lake in winter, all Harry needs to do is walk in the room, not even in Malfoy's direction and I can see that Malfoy gets flustered, his eyes dilate, and he gets a nervous cough. He then runs his fingers through his hair and stands as tall as he can; straightening his robes and attempting with all his might to look less like a bastard than he knows wee all feel that he is. I want to go and say

It's not your fault, I know how you feel'

Funny one day we shared a look of knowing despair, when I again was in the background watching Hermione. She was heading the imaginary, 'The sun shines out of Harry's arse appreciation society.' He was on the other side of the room looking like he wanted to see if it did. I don't think Harry even notices the affection that although hidden from all, has been so open and visible to me for so long.

Why cant I get some of the action, let me be the hero for once in my life. Let her blush and swoon when I walk into the room. How can I make her want me to walk up and kiss her and take her in my arms and tell her I love her, and ask me to keep her safe, and protect her for the rest of time…

Why would she want to be with me, I can't give her what she wants?

But I can't walk away and stop her doing what she is doing to me. Ok, I know she isn't doing anything to me. And that I am doing this to myself, I am the one who is the desperate sad git who envies Harry his fame, and her…

Well I just love her, and wish she would love me. If all I have is the knowledge that I know more, than they know I know, then I have something to hold on to.
I don't want to force any issues, I would be alone if I did and if I was alone I would just die.

"You could share my U-bend Ron." offered a sobbing Myrtle, who had floated out of the toilet and now sat on the top of the cubicle.

"That wouldn't be a good thing at the moment Myrtle; I'm not ready for death yet, but thanks for the offer any way. I'll just carry on as I have always done and hope that the next smile I give or the next touch of her hand or the feel of my breath against her skin will bring her to me. But until then, ill just have to dream.
I'll have to go now, got to go to have some dinner, same time tomorrow?"

"Ok, Ron. I'll be here, not like I have anywhere to go is it?"

"Thanks Myrtle…"

Turning to leave he saw Hermione standing in the doorway tears in her eyes, and a very, very ashamed look on her face.

"Hi Herm -" Ron tried to act as if he had only been there for a couple of seconds and that he was just in to have a pee. But looking at the expression on Hermione's face he could see she had heard most of what was said to Myrtle. Stealing himself and trying to put on a brave face so that she wouldn't see how upset he was really feeling he walked over to her.

"Ron I didn't know -" Ron interrupted her in mid sentence.

"How much did you hear me say? I thought I was alone, I didn't mean for you to hear any of that."

"You are in love with me? Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you let me know, I could have felt the same way?"

"That's just the point see Hermione, you could have, not you do, or you did, or you will or you are. Just you could have! That's the point, that's always been the point…"

"I do love you Ron its just that I-"

"Don't Hermione, I am holding on to all of my dignity by just accepting the way things are, please don't make me have a big sister style conversation with you, not now. Not straight after you have heard me profess the fact that I am wholly and madly in love with you, and that I always have been.

I know I'm not dangerous or the great hero the wizarding world looks up to. Or the best looking person in the world or the brightest, but I am me. And you know that I cannot compete against a fantasy of yours that isn't even remotely accessible to you. So I will just be leaving you now thanks, with my dignity intact and my heart still where it always has been since I met you, in the palm of your hand."

Brushing his hand against her cheek he moved past her to the door and Hermione was left with the only company the girls toilet now offered, the drip, drip, drip of a leaking tap.