Chapter 13:

Are You Sure You Don't Wear Red

Beta and co-author Lukanicus

Professor Dumbledore had looked all over the school for Professor Snape without success. After trying all of his normal haunts, Dumbledore finally managed to locate the aristocratic master of potions to his potions class's side annex.

There was the sound of laughter and applause from within the annex as the Headmaster quietly entered. He was surprised to see what looked like a scene from a Muggle TV show that he had observed once whilst at the Dursley's the previous summer.

"Welcome to more cooking with Stealia Smith"

At the sound of applause Stealia seductively fluttered her eyelashes a few times, smiled sweetly at her audience and gave the imaginary audience a majestic curtsy. Upon terminating the bow, Stealia continued her flirtatious behaviour whilst coyly turning her head to the side with mock modesty and raised her hands to partially cover her face as if bashful.

"I know that being the domestic GODDESS," Stealia tossed her head back allowing her hair to seductively sway as if in a breeze and enhanced the effect by positioning her hands in true Diva fashion. Severus was in full flow.

"I know some think that you need dark smouldering eyes, luscious black locks, billowing black robes, and a rich…Fruity…Voice to be as fabulous as me." She gave a super model-like look while pouting her lips as she continued, "But it also takes so much more. You need style, the ability to create a meal fit for a king and, need I say girls and boys," giving the wide eyes and stance of the pop-diva Betty Boo, "you need to act like a WHORE!" giving an enticing slap to her ass, "in the bedroom" ending with a girlish giggle."

"Now for today's meat tips always get your butcher to give you a good Rump..."

Rapturous applause came from the darkness as Professor Dumbledore appeared out of the shadows.

"Oh that was superb Severus, very realistic. I do like the way you wiggle your tush when you throw your hair back. Reminds me of a young miss I used to visit in Hogsmeade years ago. Oh how that little Minx used to go for it…" After a brief pause Dumbledore asked to Severus' shock.

"Don't suppose you dress in red leather as well, do you Professor?"

"What?" scoffed Snape. With a wave of his wand, he made the TV studio disappear. Not realising that he still stood in his best Stealia Smith middle aged Muggle woman's outfit with matching accessories and lipstick, he continued in his own true rich fruity tones and tried to act as if nothing had happened.

"Professor, as always a pleasure for you to visit, how may I help you this evening?"

The headmaster appeared a little more breathless than the potions master had ever seen him before or would have liked to have seen. For reasons unknown to Severus, the Headmaster was showing a healthier than average interest, if he did say so himself, in his well turned ankles. Dumbledore walked around him, in a wolf on the hunt like manner, making rather excited breathless sounds with each passing.

"Fine calves indeed Severus!"

"Professor was there something that you wanted? As much as I am grateful that you appreciate my svelte form, I hope that wasn't what brought you all the way to my dungeon."

"Oh, yes indeed, sorry Professor, in all my excitement I almost forgot the reason that I came down here. There were two things and blow me…"

"What here and now, Headmaster I'm just not that kind of Potions Master ... but if it is …"

"I have forgotten. It was something to do with Harry and Draco and something else that was more important. Oh, I get so forgetful sometimes Sirius."

"Severus," Snape protested.

"I'm terrible with names, now where was I? Oh yes Harry and Draco, my sources say that they have re-united the spirits of Din and Farore, apparently in what has been described as heavenly fornication or so Professor Moody calls it. It seems that he could see through the walls of the house with his mad eye."

"Oh that's just great. How is the ever so charming Professor Moody, Headmaster?"

"In intensive care at St Mungo's, his heart gave out apparently. Madame Pomfrey says he will be ok but his swelling won't be that easy to get to go down."

Both men sucked in their cheeks and shivered, thus giving the universal show of male understanding.

"Anyway, I think that's all I wanted to tell you. So I'll be on my way. Are you sure you don't wear red leather?"

"Quite sure, Headmaster... Well thank you for you visit, I will see you in the morning at breakfast."

"Goodnight Severus, sweet dreams." Snape was just about to lock his potions class door with an unbreakable lock charm when there was a hurried knock on the door.

"Sorry Professor, I remembered what I really came for."

"Oh really, and what is that Headmaster."

"You wouldn't by any chance have a headache draft would you? Minerva's say's she's got a headache again."