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Fanatic's Guide to Good Fanfiction

Written by a desperate author who's run out of good fanfiction to read (a.k.a. yours truly)

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She sat against a tree deep in the woods. A large stack of papers sat next to her and for every packet she would take, two more would take its place. She leafed through the packet of paper in her hands before she heaved a sigh and proceeded to run it through the shedder that sat on the other side of her. She'd been sitting there for hours, looking for a descent story to read but all she'd managed to find lately was an almost tolerable Mary Sue and a plotless, fluffy, future fic.

She was quickly running out of patience and was thinking about moving to another fandom when she was startled by a number of people nearly landing on her from the sky. She looked over them quickly before sending another packet through the shredder and picking up another.

"Oi wench! What are you doing in my forest?"

Said wench looked up and gave Inuyasha a scathing look. "Excuse me? My name is not wench and I can be here if I want to."

Shippou, ever the curious one, had snuck forward and was examining her shredder as if it had come from a different plant. Kitsama turned to glare at him and he squeaked in fear, running to hide behind Kagome's legs. The miko sighed and reached down to pick him up.

"Sorry. We sensed an evil aura and came to investigate."

Kitsama stared at Kagome for a moment before sighing and putting down her current packet.

"Yeah. That would be her." She pointed up into the trees at her Muse, who grinned down at them all sadistically.

Miroku whistled and looked her up and down. From what he saw she was quite the beauty. Sango gave him a dirty look and punched him. Kitsama coughed and shot her Muse a speculative glance.

"Yes well. I wouldn't go that way monk. I've heard she shreds sausages."

Miroku squeaked in horror and Inuyasha coughed into his fist as he looked to the side. Shippo tugged on Kagome's shirt and looked up at her with innocent eyes.

"What does that mean?"

Kagome averted her eyes, Miroku gave another squeak of horror, Sango examined her fingernails, Inuyasha began choking on air and Kitsama began cackling.

"I'll tell you when you're older, Shippo," Kagome finally said, patting the little kitsune on the head.

Kitsama finished laughing and wiped a tear from her eye as she picked up her packet again. She instantly sobered and proceeded to shred this one as well.

"You do not spell 'Yeah', y-e-a!" she snapped angrily. "It's not y-a or y-e either. It's y-e-a-h. Y-E-A-H!"

Muse jumped down from the tree and gave Kitsama a pat on the shoulder. "Calm down. Here, I'll help you sort." Muse sat down next to Kitsama and the two of them picked up a packet each and began to read. Miroku, Sango, Kagome, Inuyasha and Shippo watched their faces go from hope to disgust and they both threw down their packets. "This stuff is awful," Muse snapped angrily.

Kitsama shook her head and patted a stack of packets that sat separate from the rest. "I've managed to find a couple that are good and some of the ones I've read aren't half bad. It's just…the spelling errors! And the plotholes! And the OOCness! It drives me crazy!"

Muse sighed and moved to pick up another packet but it was snatched up by Inuyasha before she could. The hanyou's eyes moved rapidly across the page and a look of disgust and horror spread across of face.

He looked up at his friends, Kitsama and Muse who watched him expectantly. He gave a loud swallow and shook his head.

"I'm having badly described sex with Kagome's mom," he mumbled, a blush spreading across his face.

Kagome gasped and snatch the packet out of his hands.

"Oh my god! Oh my god! My mom has bigger beasts that I do!"

Miroku perked up and began reading the packet over Kagome's shoulder. After reading a few lines he frowned and glanced over at Kitsama and Muse.

"Half of those things aren't even accurate," he said knowledgably.

Sango's face darkened and the monk blanched. Kitsama glanced over at her Muse, her face thoughtful.

"Well we wouldn't know anything about that." She paused when Kagome made a disgusted sound in her throat. The miko was still reading the packet. "We're happily inexperienced," she finished with a proud smile. Muse coughed into her hand and Kitsama gave her a surprised look. "We're happily inexperienced, aren't we?"

Muse looked away and stayed silent for a moment. When she glanced back at Kitsama she was still watching her muse expectantly. She rolled her eyes and gave the author an affronted look.

"Okay fine. But it was Sparky and booze was involved. Happy!"

Kitsama sniffed and looked away. "No I'm not. I thought you were more responsible than that."

Muse rolled her eyes again. "Well it's none of your business anyway."

Kagome screamed and lunged at the shredder. She ripped the packet apart then shredded the pieces. When she was finished and the packet couldn't be destroyed anymore she sat back and placed a shaking hand on her forehead.

"That was horrible," she whispered traumatically.

"Well onwards and upwards," Kitsama piped cheerfully.

She picked up a packet and began to read. The clearing fell silent as everyone did the same and it was awhile before anyone spoke. Sango began to laugh and had to stop reading hers and everyone looked up at her expectantly.

"Well? Is it a keeper?" Kitsama asked hopefully.

Sango kept laughing and shook her head. Everyone glared at her as they waited for her to calm down but she just kept laughing. They grew tired of waiting so they turned back to their reading, doing their best to ignore her. She fell silent for a while but soon began laughing again.

"You guys…y-you guys! You have to hear this!"

Shippo sighed and tossed down his packet. "I couldn't even understand what they were trying to say. They kept replacing the word 'you' with the letter 'u' and spelling 'sorry' 'sry'. They added things like 'LOL' and 'LMAO'."

Kitsama gave the kitsune an apologetic look. "It's called chat-speak. You learn to live with it. People forget how to spell properly."

Sango had begun laughing again. "This is so stupid! Miroku's in love with me, but I'm in love with Inuyasha. Inuyasha's in love with Sesshoumaru and Kouga and some person named Naruto and Kagome might be in love with me or Kouga but she's not sure.

"Ayame's in love with Naraku or Sasuke but Naraku's in love with his half sister Kagura who's in love with Kikyou who's in love with Kakashi. But then Inuyasha figures out he's not gay and falls in love with Kagome and Sakura but then we all find out that Kagome is dying of cancer." Sango sobered slightly but then she started laughing again. "But she's really not because the tests got mixed up and we find out Kakashi is really a girl and has cancer but then we find out it was all a dream and Kagome wakes up."

Everyone stared at Sango in surprise. Kitsama was the first one to come to her senses and made a face as she thought the story over. "That doesn't sound too bad. What's the plot?"

Sango glanced down at her packet again and began turning the pages. "They're in high school."

"Is that it?"

"Yeah."

"What about the spelling and grammar?"

Sango made a face. "It was horrible and everyone was acting weird. I kept giggling and the Naruto guy kept saying 'Believe it!'. I wanted to kill myself after a while."

Kitsama sighed and reached for the packet. Sango passed it to her and the author shredded it without any pretense.

"That's what's called a bad crossover. There was no reason it was crossed over other than the fact the author thought it would be a good idea," Kitsama stated, nodding to herself.

"Shut up, Kitsama. You're not so smart," Muse said tartly without looking up.

Kitsama gave her a narrowed eyed glare and went back to reading her packet as Shippou and Sango picked up new ones.

A few minutes later Inuyasha looked up to give Kagome a thoughtful look. She noticed and looked up. "What?"

"Do you have a cousin who happens to be a kitsune hanyou that can pass through the well?"

"Mary Sue. Hand it over," Kitsama said automatically.

As soon as it was in her hands it was in the shredder and Inuyasha picked up another packet. A few more minutes later Muse looked up and glanced over at Inuyasha. He met her gaze and Muse opened her mouth to ask her question but Miroku interrupted her.

"Inuyasha, do you have a long lost sister?"

"I was going to ask that," Muse put in.

Inuyasha frowned but Kitsama looked up hopefully. "I've managed to find at least two fics when they managed to pull that off. I tried it once too, but had to ditch it. It's not a bad plot if you write it right," Kitsama said, looking between Miroku and her Muse expectantly.

Miroku shook his head. "They introduce her by inserting a note in the middle of the chapter saying 'I've always wanted Inuyasha to have a sister so here she is.'"

Kitsama reached for the packet and shredded it. She looked to Muse who also shook her head. "Inuyasha's sister is half miko, more powerful than Kagome or Kikyou and all the guys fall in love with her. She can beat anyone in a fight but manages to get raped by Naraku and everyone feels really bad for her."

Kitsama looked doubtful. "Sounds Mary Sue-ish. What's her name?"

"April."

"Hand it over."

A number of hours later Kitsama had had to replace her shredder twice. One had combusted while the other had just stopped working. The author looked up at the darkening sky then at the group of people around her, all of who seemed ready to strangle themselves. She understood of course, and felt a little sorry for them.

"Kagome, ever been to Hogwarts?" Sango asked.

The miko answered no without even looking up.

"Are you a super strong witch who can cry blue crystals and defeat the greatest wizard of all time?"

"No."

"Are you part Veela?"

"What's a Veela?"

"Do you cause everyone to fall in love with you?"

"No."

Everyone but Kagome suddenly threw their packets down and rubbed their eyes. Kitsama looked from the pile at her feet and the shredder and sighed, getting to work.

"They wouldn't be so bad if people would spell check their work," Miroku griped with a yawn.

"Or if they just made them more believable," Shippo added.

"And if they stopped making me gay," Inuyasha muttered solemnly.

The clearing fell silent and everyone averted their eyes. Inuyasha jumped to his feet and stared at them all in shock. "You can't be serious?"

Kagome peeked at him from under her bangs. "I don't know Inuyasha. Some of the ones I read with you and Kouga were cute."

"I found a really good one with him and Sesshoumaru. They were cuddling and everything," Sango sighed happily. "It gave me a warm and fluffy feeling."

"Just say WAFF," Kitsama said without looking up from the shredder. "It's easier that way."

"I found a pretty good one," Kagome said with a giggle. "It's a one-shot and it sounds like it's a future fic. It's pretty cute."

Kitsama finished shredding and walked over to take the packet from Kagome. She read it over and had to agree with the miko, it did sound good. But then something began to nag at her. She'd read this somewhere before. She handed the packet back to Kagome and walked over to the pile of 'keepers'. When she found the one-shot that she was looking for she gasped in outrage.

Everyone started and turned to her with a surprised look. Kitsama stomped back over to them and snatched the packet out of Kagome's hands. She began to read them at the same time and as she did her angry expression just grew. When she was finished she didn't even bother to shred the packet she had taken from Kagome. She just ripped it up until the pieces were so small she couldn't rip it anymore.

"I hate plagiarism," she hissed.

Everyone looked at her in confusion and she sighed. "That one-shot was almost a carbon copy of another one-shot that I've read."

Everyone seemed to understand and looked equally disgruntled. Kitsama sighed then waved it off.

"Oh well! Time to go. See you people later."

Muse picked up the paper shredder and two garbage bags full of shredded paper. Kitsama picked up the other two bags and the two of them disappeared into the forest. Inuyasha, Kagome, Sango, Miroku and Shippo watched them go before they sighed and began the trek back to Kaede's village.

"I think that that was a royal waste of time," Inuyasha snapped angrily.

Kagome made a face but then she suddenly smiled and poked Inuyasha in the cheek. "You're so cute when you're in yaoi."

"No I'm not," Inuyasha grumped, a blush spreading across his face.

Sango sighed dreamily. "Yes you are! It's so adorable!"

Kagome squealed and the two girls began to chat about Inuyasha in yaoi fanfiction. Kagome was convinced she like that ones when Inuyasha was on top. But Sango disagreed with her. Miroku turned green and Inuyasha stared at their backs, plotting revenge.

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Note from Kitsama:

I'm not making fun of any one person or any particular fanfiction. I'm making fun of the fact that we read and write fanfiction in the first place.

Some of us are crazier about it than others, but the fact that we spend time reading and writing stories based on anime or books or TV shows is rather funny and sad if you think about it. We could be planting a tree with all that time. But we don't and that's what I'm making fun of. But never fear, I'm just as crazy as all you crazy people. We can all be crazy together and do crazy dances.

More Important Note from Kitsama:

Most of this crack fic was written all in fun but the bit about the plagiarized one-shot is true. A great author's one-shot, which was a spin off of a great story that she had written, was copied nearly word of word and posted as an original work. The author's name was Sueric and if you know what I'm talking about then you know how sick it made you feel when you read the plagiarized version of her one-shot. Me being me, I left the author a rather mean review and reported her to the mods. of the site. That was the first time I ever had to write a not so nice review and it left a bad taste in my mouth but it was necessary.

I quote myself by saying: "Stealing is a overall bad thing, but as long as you admit that you stole and credit who you stole from and remember to tell the person that you are stealing from them, it's okay."

But then that's not stealing, so it's all good.

So to sum up:

Plagiarism-Bad

Readers-Smart and will figure out what you did and you will be banned from the site and piss everyone off

Get it? Got it? Good

Disclaimer: I don't own Inuyasha, Naruto or Harry Pothead (oops! Potter…sorry…it's all love Harry! Kick that dark wizard's ass!).

But I did write this. I'm looking at the clock and it's 4:04 AM and I've just finished writing this. Kitsama wrote this. My name is everywhere in the damn fic. If I see this posted under a different name there will be hell. HELL! HELLFIRE! I'LL KILL ALL OF YOU!

Good day to you!

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