Disclaimer: Nothing, do I own

Teaser: six reasons Haru Glory was better off eloping

reason one: the Sister Who is Likely A Wicked Overlord

reason two: the Frilly White Dress of Awesome Evilness

reason three: the Mood Swings that Bring Doom-y Doom

reason four: the Party Planned by the Devil's Compatriots

reason five: the Minor Stripper Who is a Demon of Chaos

warnings: Haru is sort-a a wimp in this one. Probably the alcohol and overstressed life he's leading. Don't be too mean. He can kick that punk-ass kid's ass any day

timeline: see first chapter

V. Striper

Apparently, Kelly-Anna couldn't hold her liquor very well.

Then again, neither could Haru. But that was beside the point. He needed to be under the influence so his mind couldn't wander to the Bad Places. Bad Places which including dirty thoughts about an illegal teen, her breasts, and possible first-degree murder.

He friends were going to burn. Burn.

But still, he only had two glasses. Two! Of course, that was because he was already dead on his feet. The last thing he wanted to do was pass out in a strip bar. Who knew what went on after hours? He shuddered to think.

One glass down for Kelly-Anna and she was sitting in Haru's lap like a little girl, bawling her big, baby blue eyes out. Those bastards Musica, Shuda, and Let had gone off. Haru imagined chopping them up into tiny pieces and sending them out to sea, then lighting them on fire…

If only I wouldn't get arrested for it. What asshole decided murder was illegal? I should kill him.

"His name is Bobby-Jean!" Kelly-Anna cried robustly, her chest heaving up and down. Which was a bad thing because those things were very… bouncy. "And he's a prick! But I love him!" She threw her arms around his neck and sobbed. "That's why I'm doing this! I want him to be jealous. I hate stripping, I feel so dirty."

Jesus, the girl was no more than a kid. Haru felt even more like a pervert because—God help him—he had looked down at her chest more than once. "Stripping is very, very, very bad. You should never do it again. Ever. In fact, leave right now."

Babbling, she nodded. "You're so nice! Bobby-Jean is never nice!" she cried. "Don't you want to kiss me?" Alcohol still clung to her lips and rolled down her chin lightly in a small trail of bright liquid.

How highly… not erotic. All Haru could think, watching the alcohol run down her chin, was ew.

And, um, kiss her?

"No. No, not really," Haru said and tried to push away. The girl couldn't take a hint and threw herself upon him. Her lips were sticky and tasted too much like alcohol for anyone's good. Especially his, as Haru was the one getting kissed.

"Hey! Asshole!" Kelly-Anna jumped away from Haru and he remained seated, staring dumbly at the stage. Hm. I wonder if I bash my head against the pole long enough I'll forget this ever happened? But wait, this is a strip club. Woman strip here. They get naked and then they—against the pole. Ew. No, I'm fine. I'll just die from shame. Then he stood.

A big, tall man—man, alright he was more of a kid—was glaring passionately at Haru. Haru was too buzzed to actually care that he would be maimed and bleeding to death if looks could kill.

"Get out of here!" Kelly-Anna shouted, undaunted by the strapping young boy. And that probably wasn't even the alcohol in her blood. "I'm working!"

"Yeah, right!" Bobby-Jean—at least, Haru assumed it was Bobby-Jean…wasn't that the name of Whatserface's boyfriend?—grabbed her arm and pulled her closer. "You've been drinking, haven't you? You're seventeen!"

"Let me go! Let me go!" Kelly-Anna shouted and struggled against him. She sent a pleading look over at Haru, but there was a glint of joy in her eyes. "Help me!"

"Listen—" Haru moved up to suggest Bobby-Jean take Kelly-Anna home and buy her something nice and shiny.

Only, Bobby-Jean raised a fist and pounded it into his face. Haru went down for the count, feeling a little pathetic that the Rave Master was so easily taken down by some punk-ass kid.

Oh… if Father could see me now… damn kid didn't even land that fist…

Look. There's a spider on the ceiling. This is place is probably infested with them. Bet they would eat the remains of my friends and no one would ever know what happened to them.

The perfect crime.

"Touch her again, you pervert," Bobby-Jean snarled at Haru. "I'll rip your fricking throat out."

But she was the one touching me. Guess no one cares about my chastity and modesty. If I had them that is.

"Oh, Bobby-Jean…" Kelly-Anna sighed in ecstasy. Then she threw herself at him. "You do care!" The two teens proceeded to kiss and make their way to the exit, forgetting all about Haru as he lay there pathetically on the floor.

Right. So I'm just going to pass out now. Okay? Okay.

With his brain in complete agreement, Haru got to it.

The next thing he knew, Haru was being dragged home by his so-called friends. In his foggy brain, he heard their voices.

"Can't believe how easy Haru went down," Musica said as he hefted his friend's arm over his shoulder. "I don't even think that kid landed a hit before he slid to the ground."

"It was… most embarrassing," Let agreed, holding up Haru's other arm.

"The best part is, we got it on tape," Shuda said from his position in the lead. "I'm going to watch it over… and over… and over… and over again."

"You're sick!" Musica laughed and then added, "Let me know when you plan to start watching it."

"You guys—" Haru paused to moan in pain. "Suck. All of you. I hate every last one of you. With every fiber of my being. Hate."

The cowards left him on the front porch, rang the doorbell, and ran away. Cattleya and Elie answered the door, gasped in horror, and dragged him inside, putting him in a chair in the kitchen.

When Haru submerged from an alcohol-induced unconsciousness. He found Cattleya consoling a sobbing Elie. He moaned and sat up.

"How could you, Haru?" Cattleya said as she rubbed Elie's trembling back. "You're getting married in two days!"

"Wait—you're on her side now?" Haru mumbled and sent Elie an apologetic look. Too bad for her, her head was in her hands.

Her eyes flickering over to Elie's shaking form. She sniffed. "No," Cattleya said simply. "But we women band together when asshole men do something extremely stupid. Which you did."

Elie looked up at him sorrowfully. "What's wrong with you, Haru? You have lipstick all over your face and you smell like beer."

He stood and walked over to her. Elie blinked as Haru picked her up and kissed her with the fever he had been building up for the past few weeks.

He willed his thoughts in her brain. I need sex. No, wait! I love you! That's what I meant to say. But, if you're for the sex part, then—

When they broke apart, Elie was panting and Cattleya was flushing.

"I'm going to marry you," Haru said with a nod, as if he had just came to that conclusion. He gripped her waist possessively. "And nothing's going to stop it. Those assholes I call friends had the brilliant idea to drag me down to a bachelor party."

"Did they?" Cattleya asked with narrowed eyes. She clicked her fingers together. Shuda was not going to be a happy man when he saw her next.

"Right now, I think I might be sick and I didn't drink enough beer for the headache I have." Haru leaned in and with the last bit of his strength gave Elie another kiss. "I adore you and I'm drunk so I can say it. I'm going to lay down because I don't want to pass out on you. That is not a very future-husbandly thing to do, right? Oh, and I love you." Then he stumbled away.

Elie sent Cattleya a triumphant look.

notes: see, I told you. Wimpy! Haru. But, hey, give the guy a break. Buzzed, overstressed, and tired. Plus, no sex. Can you blame him? Oh well. See you next chapter. Last one!

reason six: the Wedding Which is Taken to the Bad Place

Reviews

uhhh: originally, I was going to play up Elie's emotions more, but I decided Haru needed a break, after all the grief those two women have been giving him.

an interested reader: thank you. I know there are some grammar errors that I miss when I edit. However, this is such a small fic I don't bother asking anyone to beta. Why bother?

Prozacfairy: aw, Haru wouldn't do that. Not to an innocent girl. Plus… that wouldn't be fun now, would it?

Rave Masta: seriously, Let human? That sucks. The last time I watched the anime show Let was still a dragon and he was doing this almost ninja-stealth thing on some kinda ship and freaking everyone out. And the only reason I saw that was because my cousins had come to visit and had generously offered my room (yeah, right) to them to us so I was stuck on the couch.

Xwipexmyxtearsx3x: I was going to have Elie rip into Haru something fierce in the first draft. Than I decided that, no, because if Elie was going to get upset over a stripper like that than she would just call the whole wedding off. Then where would I be?

Story Weaver1: actually, if they knew what really happened they might have just laughed themselves silly. Of course, they can only make assumptions. Ooooh… I am so evil!

birbie101: hehe, lots of my characters need therapists, and sometimes not in the fun way. I love therapists, by the way, but just because I always counter their questions with 'but how does that make you feel?'

Yachtzee: Kelly-Anna is what I imagine a farm girl would be named. Back during a time when I actually thought Harvest Moon was somewhat amusing (that didn't last very long) I called myself Kelly-Anna. I will definitely check out your story. But only if I get the time! Damn you school!

Ranchdressing: Haru needs everyone prayers. Yes, he does.

Blonde-Existentialist: don't they always, though? Bachelor partiers, I mean. Other than in real life, when have they very worked out?