Disclaimer: I don't own this stuff, Squaresoft does. Well, Squaresoft owns MY copy of the game, Square-Enix probably owns the version most of you use. I use the SNES game. And... whatever. I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore.

Thanks y'all. :) I like reviews. They make me happy. REALLY happy. So, I was trying to decide what to do for this chapter, see? And I realized that all my ideas have expired. See, I've already done the homicidal robot, the kidnapping spiel, and the horribly drunk majiggy. Well, there IS the whole "Lucca gets to build them a super-spaceship and save them all" thing, but hey. That's no fun. So I continued thinking, and came up with the most brilliant of ideas. Mwahahah. Here y'all go, enjoy. And leave reviews, or I will cry and be unloved. I'm loved... right?

Chapter Seven: Can't We All Just Get Along?

"Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking." -Dave Barry

---

Lucca woke up the next morning with a bright smile on her face. Oh, she would love to see how Crono would react to being woken up with a massive hangover... hell, she could wake him up. Right then. Lucca laughed evilly, stopped, and wondered where the hell her mind had gone. She shrugged, and went into Crono's room anyway.

Crono was snoring peacefully on the bed, clearly asleep. Lucca stopped in the doorway to savor the moment, then ripped the curtains open, letting extremely bright sunlight pour into the dimly lit room.

This immediately woke the poor person asleep on the bed.

"Augh! Close it! Close it! My head!"

"Gooooood morning, sleepyhead!" Lucca said brightly, leaning over his twitching body. "Sleep well?"

Crono merely whimpered, and curled into a small ball, rocking back and forth.

"That good, huh? All right. How was your night?" Lucca continued.

"I can't remember anything. Which sucks, since my ass is hurting like hell and I want to know what I'd been doing..."

"You got married," Lucca said, grinning.

Time could have been frozen. Crono's face was set in a horrified expression, and Lucca had forced a sympathetic look onto her face.

"I- I what?"

"You, Sir Stud Muffin, got married to some random showgirl from far away," Lucca said, forcing herself not to laugh. "She was quite a looker, though. Maybe you mistook her for Marle? No, this chick had long red hair, in a braid. Erm... pointy ears..." Lucca frowned, and struggled to put the picture in her mind, then was struck by inspiration. "A cape. Big breasts, right. Hmm. Oh, right. She could use magic, too. Turned right into a bat and flew off when she heard Marle coming. You had such a busy night, too. Heard noises coming from in here. Fact is, she might have been a guy..."

This description had Crono retching - literally. As soon as he could breathe, he panted, choked out "Flea?" and continued retching things he hadn't eaten yet.

Lucca struggled not to laugh, but it was just too damn funny. The laughter spouted from her like lies spout from politicians.

Crono threw up one more time, then looked at her. "Wait. I didn't, did I?"

He got a choked response from the laughing Lucca.

"That's it, hangover or no, you - are - dead!"

Crono grabbed his sword and lunged at Lucca who stopped laughing instantly and dove out of the way. Crono turned, and saw the fireball coming at him. He deflected it with the sword and took a stab at Lucca again, who slid across the bed and looked around desperately for a weapon. She settled on a chair, knowing full well it wouldn't stop Crono from tearing it into shreds in about three seconds flat.

"Hey, sorry, sorry!" Lucca shrieked, watching the chair splinter when Rainbow slammed into it. "Well, never mind then! Just go fuck yourself."

"I'LL KILL YOU!" Crono roared.

And he just might have, too, if Marle hadn't come to investigate the noise.

"Hey, what are you guys doing-"

She ducked as a framed picture of some old dead guy flew at her. The picture flew into the hallway, smashed against the wall, and broke. Annoyed, she put her hands on her hips, and glared through the haze of smoke and debris that polluted the room.

"STOP."

Crono glanced up, his hand on Lucca's throat. Lucca's knee was currently in Crono's groin, both were covered in scrapes and bruises, and neither looked too happy about being interrupted.

"What, may I ask, are you two doing?"

Both started talking at once, Lucca's responses choked and Crono's through gritted teeth.

"She woke me up-"

"Just a joke-"

"She was being-"

"He can't take a joke-"

"-jackass-"

"-moron-"

"It's all her-"

"His-"

"ALRIGHT!" Marle yelled, throwing up her hands in exasperation. "One at a time. Lucca?"

"I wanted to be funny-"

"Tremendously funny, Lucca," Crono said dryly. "While we're at it, let's go take me off on a boating trip to the castle previously known as Magus' castle, eh? Oh, better idea. Let's go feed me to rampaging monkeys in the Prehistoric Era."

"Shut up, douche. Anyway, I opened the drapes, you know, to make him mad, since he's having a massive hangover and all."

"Yeah," Marle said, frowning. "And... lemme guess. It pissed him off a bit too much."

Lucca nodded. "He lunged at me with a sword-"

Crono snorted. "Let me interject this tidbit. She told me I'd gotten married. To Flea. After I finished throwing up, she laughed. Then I lunged at her with a sword."

"You told him what now?" Marle managed, her eyes wide in shock.

Lucca mumbled something incoherent.

"Oh, Lucca..." Marle shook her head. "What did you tell him when he lunged at him?"

Frog chose that exact moment to walk in.

"I told him I was sorry, and he swung at me, and I said 'well, never mind that! Go fuck yourself!' And-"

The three looked over at Frog, who looked rather out of place.

"Um, shall I come back at a more opportune time?" Frog said, shifting his feet.

Crono sheathed his sword and huffed out of the room.

Frog watched the disgruntled swordsman stalk past, and asked "Why is he-"

Lucca shook her head. "He can't take a joke. He's such an asshole." She walked out and headed toward her room.

Marle shrugged, and answered Frog's unasked question. "Crono got drunk after slaying Lucca's killing machine. She decided it would be fun to wake him up early."

Frog nodded. "I see. Lady Lucca requested that this highly unstable chemical be placed in her room. Shall I wait until she hath calmed?"

"Um... yeah, that'd be best, probably."

Frog nodded. "Do they fight like this often?"

"Well, they bicker from time to time. I can't remember the last time they actually tried to assassinate each other, though."

"I do not like it."

"Yeah, well, what can you do? Later, Frog."

"Farewell, Lady Marle."

---

Breakfast that morning was so tense you could cut it with a plastic knife and eat it.

"Honey, could you ask Lucca to pass me the salt?" Crono said through gritted teeth.

"Marle, could you ask the nimrod to pass the milk?" Lucca asked without looking up.

Marle threw up her hands. "Nuh-uh. Talk to each other. Not me."

"Hey, bitch. Give me the salt," Crono sneered at Lucca.

"Hey, jackass, gimme the milk," Lucca shot back.

"You want the milk?" Crono yelled, standing up and knocking his water over. "Here's your goddamn MILK!"

With that, he chucked it at her. She ducked and the milk container shattered against the opposite wall. Lucca glared at Crono, and hurled the salt bottle at him. He was too slow to duck, and the bottle shattered on his head, leaving a gash.

He was extremely unhappy with this.

"Oh, now you've pissed me off!" Crono yelled, grabbing his sword and beginning to lean across the table.

"What a pity," Lucca snarled. "I guess I should be shaking in my little space boots now, huh?"

There was a crash of glass as Crono slid across the table, sending food and plates flying. Ignoring Marle's frantic yells completely, the two took advantage of their location in the kitchen - and promptly attempted to kill the other using a variety of eating utensils, such as steak knives and especially pointy forks, shoving large spoons into the other person's ears, and basting the other with salt water, as well as trying to shove each other in the oven fire, all magic abilities forgotten. Neither managed to shove the other in completely, but Lucca managed to get Crono's head to catch on fire, much to her glee. In retaliation, Crono tried to strangle Lucca with a dish rag after putting the fire out. Lucca kneed him in the groin again, and punched him in the eye for the hell of it as she got up, taking advantage of his temporary pause. Grimacing, Crono threw the nearest eating utensil at Lucca - it turned out to be a spoon, which left only a red mark on her forehead. Still, Lucca became incensed, and threw a tomato at him. He ducked, and threw a bag of flour across the room, which exploded in a big white cloud all over her. Shaking it all over the place, Lucca let off a wild shriek and pulled off a bunch of nifty Matrix-esque moves, nailing Crono in the head. Grunting, he returned the favor by nailing her in the side of the head with a saucepan coated in what appeared to be a thick paste resembling peanut butter. Both then proceeded to pass out.

"Sweet mother loving..." Marle leaned over the unconscious bodies, both of which were severely scathed, covered in blood, and appeared to have various broken bones. "Um, this doesn't look good."

---

Leene sighed as she looked at the two teens, who had been put in separate dungeon cells that were nonstrategically placed side by side, with only two feet of flimsy middle-aged metal between them, to keep them from murdering each other. Marle had healed the two of their broken bones, but broken bones weren't the only things ailing Crono and Lucca - their dignity had also taken an unfortunate trip down a slopeless cliff.

"Who started it?"

Crono shrugged. "Maybe I did. I can't remember."

"Yeah, he did," Lucca grumbled. "Second time today, in fact."

Leene shook her head. "Okay, you should know that the kitchens have suffered severe damages. You caused about three thousand gold worth of damage to it, you two. I am immensely displeased. You will stay here for a week. Maybe you can learn to get along..."

With that, Leene walked out of the dungeons.

Crono wasted no time in blaming the whole thing on Lucca. "This is your fault, y'know."

And Lucca wasted no time in informing Crono that it was, in fact, his fault. "What? What is this I hear? Mr. Let's all go and kill each other over nothing blames ME for this?"

"Uh, yeah!" Crono said in agitation. "If you hadn't opened the curtains, I wouldn't be pissed, now would I?"

"Reality check - that was for amusement, moron."

"Oh, yes. I thoroughly enjoyed that, mmm-hmm. Massive headache equals great start to a great day!"

"Oh, yeah. Like this is a good time for sarcasm, nimrod."

"Did I forget to add that headaches hurt? Gasp! Captain Obvious to the rescue!"

"Hey, idiot, stop with the sarcasm."

"Oh, I may have forgotten to add that getting your head caught on fire is slightly unpleasant, too."

"Really, now. Would never have guessed."

"What happened to it not being time for sarcasm, Lucca the Wonderfully Awesomely Great?"

"You're lucky there's three feet of metal between you and my fists."

"Not three. More like... two feet, five inches."

"Kiss my ass."

"Go to hell."

"Jackass."

"Douche squared."

"Bitch."

This verbal exchange went on for a few hours, until they ran out of insults and resorted to utter malarkey.

"Kisser of bananas."

"Eater of monkey... eyeballs. No, wait. I said that one already... Eater of monkey nose hairs."

"Poo face."

"Son of a silly person."

"Animal food trough wiper."

"English pig dog."

"French person."

"I- okay, that went too far."

"Yeah it did. Sorry."

"Meh. I'm out of insults."

"Me too. I've been out of them for ages."

"Ditto. I'm going to bed."

---

Marle sulked. Without Lucca to build something, they were all stuck there forever. She wanted to get home. She was sick of the fighting, and she wanted the two to just get along. Was that too much to ask? She began to wonder if it would have been better if they'd been stuck in the future instead. No, then they'd be imprisoned anyway. For breaking and entering the last time they'd been there. And flying in a No Fly Zone. She thought for a few minutes longer, and came up with a logical conclusion about this predicament.

It sucked.

---

Queen Leene paced the throne room. Why? Why were they still there? She had no idea what had happened. They'd just... dropped by. And refused to leave. And they'd already decimated half the castle. Oh, what the king was going to say when he got back... He'd probably have them hanged. Not a bad idea, now that she thought of it...

---

Mr. Tinkles watched Lucca and Crono sleep. He wished they'd go back to cursing at each other. It was funnier that way. He meowed sadly. Ooh! A mouse! He chased it giddily, forgetting about everything else.

---

Crono and Lucca spent the next few days in near silence. The only thing that had them speaking was when Lucca told Crono to stop humming sappy love songs. Aside from that, there was no bickering, no fighting, and best of all, no castle decimating. Life was peaceful.

Until Leene made the error of letting them out.

Needless to say, it wasn't pretty. Crono had a sharp stick, three rusty spoons, and his lightning magic, and Lucca had a heavy metal pipe, two rusty kettles, and her fire magic. Be creative with the minors.

"That's IT!"

Right in the middle of this cage death match, Lucca had a brilliant epiphany. Well, and a spoon in her ear, but that didn't bother her.

"Crono, can we put off killing each other for a few hours? I think I can get us back to our time!"

Crono considered. "Well..." He paused, frowned, and scratched his head. "Does it involve a homicidal robot?"

Lucca shook her head. "No."

Resignedly, Crono sighed, and pulled the spoon out of her ear. "Alright."

---

"The three of you must be gone by Thursday morning," Leene announced early the next morning. "If you are still here by three this afternoon, an angry mob of angry people will have to kill you for the damage done to the market at two o'clock this morning."

Lucca shifted. "Um, about that..."

Leene held up a hand. "Frankly, I really don't want to know what you were doing there at two this morning."

"Oh, that's relieving. 'Cause I really don't think you'd have liked it."

"Anyway, you have four hours left. Make the most of your time, otherwise... well, I can't stop angry mobs. Once they start, they don't stop. And they're very keen on murdering you."

---

"Alright, well, I am going to need your help, Crono," Lucca muttered reluctantly.

Crono cocked an eyebrow, and grinned inwardly at the genius's reluctant cringe. "Oh? What for?"

"We have to be out of here in three hours. Otherwise, a crowd of angry mobsters is going to kill us. And the way Leene looked when she said 'mob' gives me the impression of something more like a... 'mafia'."

"Crap."

"You're telling me. So, we gotta hurry."

"Can't you build something that slows time down?"

"You're right. If only we had a magical tool that could slow down time. I foolishly left mine back home, did you bring yours?"

"You know, you're not pleasant when you're like this, Lucca."

"I'm always like this."

"My point exactly."

"Just shut up, I'm trying to build this thing."

"You sure you actually-" Crono paused, and leaned in to look at what she was building. "That's not a time machine."

"Brilliant observation. You're a genius. Smart as a...a...poodle."

"Poodle? Lucca, when was the last time you slept?"

"Duuuuhhh... shut up, I'm working."

"On a bomb."

"Bomb? Is that was this is?"

Crono backed away slowly. "You've never built a bomb before?"

"I built an atomic bomb for my sixth grade science fair exhibit."

"...Uh...huh."

"I was interrogated by the GPA - Guardia's Pinheads Association. (Well, really, the GIA - Guardia Intelligence Agency. What the hell.) For six hours. In a room that was smaller than... than..." Lucca paused, squinted at the bomb, and went to scratch her nose with a pen. She missed, and poked her eye. "Augh! My eye! I need that eye for seeing!"

"Lucca, let's get you off to bed, shall we?"

"Heehee. We're all going to die."

"Umm... You okay in there?"

"Death. Fun! I can't wait to die. How do you want to die?"

"I'd rather not, actually. Do you know how much I hate certain death?"

Lucca was clearly delirious. Whether it was from dehydration or lack of sleep, Crono couldn't tell. He could tell that it was freaky. And he didn't enjoy it. At all. In the least. Etcetera, etcetera.

"I know of a few kinds of death I'd enjoy. Hmm, let me see - we have slow death, quick death, painful death, cold lonely death . . ." Lucca's eyes glittered.

Crono smacked Lucca in the back of the head with a heavy book. Lucca fell to the floor with a thud, and Crono sighed. "At least you'll be getting sleep now, you lunatic..."

---

Marle walked into Lucca's room, and found her sleeping on the bed. "Um, Lucca? Shouldn't you be building something that'll get us home instead of sleeping?"

When Lucca didn't respond, Marle sighed in exasperation and walked over to the half completed bomb. "Sweet mother lovin'-"

Crono walked in. "Oh, she's still out- hi."

Marle pointed at the bomb. "Explain."

"Umm... it's not what it looks like?"

"You are so tactless."

"I've heard that one before."

"I CAME to inform you that the villagers are here a bit earlier then planned..."

"How long until they get here?"

"Let's see... carry the four... 42 minutes. Should we wait out on the porch?"

"Geez, and I thought Lucca was sarcastic."

"Huh. Well, what did you expect me to say? That they're knocking on the castle gates as we speak?"

"Well, no, but..." Crono frowned. "They're not, right?"

"I said, 'they're here a bit earlier than expected'. Is that not clear enough for you?"

"That means they're here, huh?"

"Yes, you nimrod! Think! Think!"

"I don't wanna die!"

"Come on, there are only so many ways a bunch of mafia hitmen can kill people, right?"

"Well, there's slow death, quick death, painful death, cold lonely death..."

"You are so not helping."

"You two really need a marriage counselor," Lucca mumbled, pulling herself to a sitting position.

"We're not married!" the two yelled simultaneously.

"Yet," Crono added.

They looked out the window. A large mob full of priests carrying pitchforks and torches awaited. However backward that picture might have seemed, it was nowhere near as odd as the scene that followed.

A group of farmers tapped the priests on the shoulder, and held up books. The priests shook their heads and gestured at their pitchforks. The farmers shook their heads, and started wildly gesturing at the sky. Incensed, the priests jabbed the farmers with the pitchforks. In turn, the farmers dropped to their knees and began praying to whatever god they might have. The priests cold-bloodedly stabbed the farmers to death.

"Ooookay..." Crono stared at this bizzarity. "What in the holy name of Chad Michael Murray is going on here?"

Lucca frantically threw the bomb together, shoved some dry trinitrophenol in with the various metals for good measure, and walked to the window.

"Bombs away!"

To be continued...

Sorry for that. I seem to have lost all sense of where I was going with this to begin with. My bad. Of course, that's what I get for living.

Celebrate the last two days of Winter-een-mas with me! Don't know what Winter-een-mas is? Google it. Aaaaand... yeah! I'm done. Gotta do some of that utter bull pletunky called "precalculus." Ta. Goed tot ziens. Au revoir. Auf Wiedersehen. Αγαθό αντίο. Arrivederci. Adeus. Adiós.