Thanks for sticking around. Sorry I didn't have this done earlier, but school... it just sucks. This'll be the last chapter. Maybe. You know, unless I get way off track again. No more chapters for this particular plot (or lack thereof), sorry. At least it'll be long, maybe that'll make you happy. And as a head's up, I couldn't resist the crack regarding Mary Sues. You'll see later. :P
Disclaimer: I do not own CT. Never have, never will. Mr. Tinkles was a name that I thought up, though.
Chapter Nine: Evil Kitties Make Everyone Giggle
The bombs whizzed by overhead. Gunfire filled the air, and the sky was hazy with explosive residue.
Epoch II blew up.
"We're gonna die, aren't we?" Crono whispered to Lucca, who decided to ignore him and start running toward the southern part of the continent.
"If we hurry, we could reach my place by nightfall! We need to build another time machine and fix this!" she called out. "Hurry up, you'll be blown to bits!"
"You three, it's dangerous out here-" a man began, starting for them. Then he saw Marle. His expression changed from slightly annoyed to mortified to slightly curious in a matter of seconds. His eyes gleamed. "Empress? Oh, yes. This will definitely help our situation." He turned to a woman behind him. "Mary! It's the Empress! We can kill her and end this reign of terror she and her ancestors released upon this land!"
Marle's eyes widened. "I don't think that's a very good idea-"
Crono grabbed her hand and started sprinting. "Just run! Run for your life!"
Marle was nearly swept off her feet, but followed suit and started running to keep up with him so he didn't rip her arm off.
The woman the man had been speaking to performed a series of complicated backflips and triple axel (or whatever) aerial flips and landed as gracefully as a butterfly in front of him. "Oh no you don't. You're coming with me," she simpered in a silky voice that could make the most devout Christian woman in the history of devout Christian women turn lesbian for.
Crono stopped for a moment. The woman had large breasts; flowing blonde hair (that, despite the muddy and bomb-filled area, was completely spotless, untangled, and shiny); brightly unnatural purple eyes that (although nobody could tell otherwise) could see into the future; smooth, creamy white skin; and perfect teeth that were shiny and white. She was wearing tight leather and high-heeled boots. She used her Jedi mind-powers to levitate her ruby-encrested katana (which was a completely unnecessary weapon, as there were guns and bombs around that could kill someone with less effort, time, and blood) into her hand. Clearly, she was some sort of twenty year old general (who looked sixteen) with no prior military experience who "just knew how" to be the best general in Guardia. She seemed to be invulnerable as well, seeing as how she wasn't even wearing body armor.
"Who the bloody hell are you?" Marle demanded, seeing her fiancé slip into speechless mode.
"I am Mary Sue Trixina T'Shondra Alycyn Raven Tristina Candy Britny Cadice Asuka Guardia the First, your twin and the rightful heir to the Guardian throne," the woman said dramatically, flipping her thick hair back. "You will go no further, I must take you in to end this reign of terror, Sister! For I am your twin who was lost at birth! I remembered none of it until I found this pendant that is identical to yours. It all came back to me... I was the rightful heir to the throne. Father loved me best. You sold me off as a slave to the Porreans for twenty pieces of gold. I instantly became married to the mayor of Porre because I was the fairest in the town. I remembered naught but that I came from Guardia, and I loved one man, a man with spiky red hair and a sword. I could not remember his name! After a while, I was abused by my husband. Broken and depressed, and not remembering anything, even my own name-" (Can't blame her for not remembering that name, Marle thought grumpily) "-I reached Guardia. I was persecuted for my skin color, and they said I was a heretic. I denied these claims, and they tried to kill me, being the evil subordinates of a corrupt government. I begged them to see the light and spare me, and they did. They turned against the emperor, and I became the leader of the band of rebels, even though I had not picked up a sword in many years. It came naturally to me, however. I defeated the former emperor, our father, and now I will defeat you, Sister! and then I shall wed the man you call your husband, making ME the Empress!"
"Right," Marle said, and abruptly shot Mary with a rifle that had been lying a few feet away. "I'll keep that in mind." Marle shot the freak again for good measure, and she and Crono trampled the dead body as they ran after Lucca, who now had a three minute lead.
"What was all that about?" Crono asked as they ran toward Lucca's house.
"Dunno, but it was seriously unnerving," Marle said with a shudder. "She was a Mary Sue, after all..."
They ran through a few battlefields and mercifully escaped with only a few scrapes (and in Crono's case, bruised balls). Finally, they reached Lucca's house.
Or the place it should have been, anyway.
It was now a large testing center for powerful weaponry used by the Guardian Empire. How did they know this? Why, there was a large sign out front that said "THIS IS A LARGE TESTING CENTER FOR POWERFUL WEAPONRY USED BY THE GUARDIAN EMPIRE." Duh.
"Well, this is just a really crappy situation," Lucca commented as soon as the couple joined her. "Where've you been?"
"We ran into Marle's sister," Crono explained.
"You have a sister?" Lucca asked, raising an eyebrow.
Marle shrugged. "I wouldn't use that in the present tense, but yeah. Apparently. Her name was Mary Sue..." Marle screwed up her eyes in thought. "T'Shondra... Gertrude... Hemingway... Parker... Meh, something overly long."
"Empress Nadia!" A guard came out of the testing facility. "What are you doing here? It's too dangerous, the rebel scum are looking for you!"
"We noticed," Crono said dryly.
"Emperor Crono!" The guard looked relieved. "Well, if you were with her, it's okay. Hey, come on in, you look tired. And Lucca? Could have sworn you were just in the back room a second ago."
"It's a long story," Lucca said, following the couple inside. "And one I really don't want to explain. So, do you have anything here that will enable us to build a time machine?"
The guard thought for a minute. "I thought you were building one already."
"Yeah, um, I have suddenly gotten amnesia. Can you bring me to my work space?" Lucca asked. "I seem to have forgotten where my work space is."
"Oh, certainly!" The guard beamed and led the way.
"Morons..." Marle muttered. "This must be some alternate dimension. I would never be so stupid as to hire these idiots. I could be my 'twin sister' and they'd just lead me right to the weapons."
"Yeah, well, what do you think is going on?" Lucca asked under her breath. "This is illogical. None of our actions in the past could have made this big an impact, right?"
"I bet it's an alternate dimension," Marle whispered back. "No way I was even the slightest bit related to that blonde moron who thought she was Miss Wonderful."
"Here we are!" Mr. Moronic announced, opening the door. "This is your workspace, Miss Lu-" He stopped. He looked in the room. He thought for a moment. He looked at the floor. He opened his mouth. He closed his mouth. He did a series of other stupid things and finally got his train of thought together. "Wait. Miss Lucca, why are you in there AND out here?"
"Think fast," Lucca said, and promptly whacked the guard upside the head with a nearby hammer. He slumped to the floor, unconscious.
The Lucca in the room looked at the trio with some alarm, which was quickly replaced with a look of cool boredom. "How'd you get in?"
"Captain Moron here led us right to you," the Lucca in the hall said. "Mind if we come in?"
The Lucca in the room shrugged. "Whatever. Just explain who you are, how you got here, and why you're here in the first place."
Crono cleared his throat and closed the door behind them. "Well, you know who we are-"
"Empress Nadia and Emperor Crono, yeah," the Lucca said dismissively, shoving several wires together and stuffing them haphazardly into the thing she was making. "Why are you here? And who's she?"
Lucca frowned. "I'm you. Well, a different you. Do you think the strands of time have twisted, forming a future far different from what it was supposed to be? You know, an alternate future?"
The other Lucca looked like Lucca was speaking in tongues. "What are you talking about?"
"Well, see, after the three of us fell through the Gate the second time because of his cat, we kind of messed around and did stuff we shouldn't have, but we didn't expect the future to be so... You don't get it."
The other Lucca shook her head. "Listen, I'm busy making a time machine. If you're going to stand there and babble on about gates and alternate futures, you can get the hell away from me."
"They speak the truth," a voice under the table said in a deep voice.
Crono peered under the table. "Son of a-!"
Mr. Tinkles popped out. "You half-assed dickhead. Almost left me alone with those homicidal lunatics in the past, did you?"
"It talked!" Lucca moaned. "This is all some freakishly horrendous nightmare, that's what it is..."
The cat scoffed. "Just because I fell into a vat of some strange liquid that allows me to speak human doesn't make me a freak, you dumbass freaks."
Crono rounded on the other Lucca. "What is this? Why? WHY?"
The other Lucca shrugged again. "That's the animal testing division, don't blame me."
---
It was late at night. The other Lucca had gone home (wherever her home was) and Crono, Marle, and Lucca had been shoved into a small room at the testing lab. (Marle had objected to this, she was, after all, the Empress.) Two male guards stood outside the door, comparing notes on dick sizes and the best women to lay. Or something like that. Hey, they're men. No offense.
Lucca paced the room. "We've got to figure a way out of here," she mused. "But then we wouldn't know where to go. Hey!" she exclaimed suddenly. "We have to interrogate your cat, Crono."
Crono giggled weirdly. "That sounded funny."
Lucca smacked him in the back of the head with a randomly placed rusty metal pipe. "Shut it. Where is the little yellow fuzzball?"
Crono didn't answer. Either he didn't know, or Lucca had whacked his head harder than she'd thought.
"Heeeeeeeeere, kitty, kitty, kitty..." Lucca sang, clicking her tongue. "I have some 'nummy treats for you..."
No response from the cat.
"It's pie?"
Still no response.
"The pie is also evil," Lucca added.
Mr. Tinkles shot out from the air vent. "Evil pie! Sweet ass! Gimme my pie, biznatch!"
Lucca caught the yellow furball and stuffed him in a nearby cage. "I, Lucca the Wonderful, have captured you. Now say you'll do whatever I tell you to."
Mr. Tinkles glared at her.
"Okay..." Lucca grabbed a bucket of water. "Say you'll do whatever I tell you to or you drown."
"Fine!" Tinkles yelled. "What do you want?"
Lucca told him.
"You are the EPITOME of EVIL!" Tinkles yelped.
"Aren't I?" Lucca said sweetly. "Now you'll do it, Tinkle King, or this bucket of icy water will be home to your face."
Tinkles whimpered.
---
Lucca talked to Crono about her plan. Crono, of course, strongly disliked her plan.
"Four White Mages? It'll never work."
Clearly, there had been some sort of problem with the sound waves on the way to Crono's nearly microscopic brain.
Lucca repeated her plan, this time using flash cards and interesting gestures.
Crono got it this time.
"Let's get one thing straight. I'm not."
Pause.
"No, wait. That's not what I was going to say."
Lucca waited.
"I'm not going to do that," Crono amended.
"Yes you are," Lucca said smugly. "If you don't, I'll slip and show MArle those embarassing pictures of you at my thirteenth bithday party."
Crono's screams of horror echoed through the facility.
---
The guards (who shall be named Bob and Tim) couldn't believe their luck. The woman had hardly anything on, she was built (more muscles than a woman should have, but beggars can't be choosers), and her hair was a wild red. A wild, sexy red.
"So..." Tim said, flashing a grin at the woman who looked as pissed as anyone who was forced into high heels, a mini-skirt, and a tube top could be. "You're so hot, I bet chairs have orgasms when you sit on them."
Inwardly, the woman groaned. That innuendo was worse than the love torpedo one. Why did they have to be perverts? she wondered. Why couldn't they be normal guys? Oh, wait. They're guys. That's it, then.
"Oh, yes," the woman simpered, even though her lips were mouthing "fuck you, jackass" and her eyes were twitching. "All the time."
Bob smoothed his balding head. "Nice outfit. It would look better on my bedroom floor, though."
"That sounds wonderful," the woman grinned forcedly, her mouth forming the words "I'll kill you if you even try it, fucktard."
I bet you're wondering why this woman isn't saying what she's mouthing. It's quite simple, really. Ventriloquism.
Tinkles was hiding in the air vent, doing all the talking, and the woman was really Crono the cross dresser talking to the perverts on the floor. Crono's goal was to get the guards to give him a tour of the building while Lucca snuck out and went to the lab to build a machine to get them back in the correct dimension.
Crono wondered how long he could continue this before he snapped and stuck a sword through the guards' innards. He estimated three minutes. Well, two minutes now. He wondered briefly if he could survive that long. Or if they could survive that long before his sword "slipped" through their long intestines.
All he could do was nod and smile.
Mr. Tinkles was not helping. He was making Crono say stuff like "well, this one guy was four inches, he was horrid-" and "real women ride twenty inches." Crono almost blurted "shut the fuck up, you piece of shit!" but resisted. For the sake of the mission.
Finally, Tinkles got to the point. "Would you like to escort me around this lovely facility?" (Crono actually mouthed "would you like to die a slow and painful death, you stupid cat?")
"Yeah!" Tim said excitedly.
The two guards abandoned their posts to escort Crono around, showing him everything from oddly shaped screws (no innuendo intended... well, maybe a little one) to the peach-colored walls.
Lucca slipped out, rushed down the hall to the lab, bypassed the securtiy with ease, and slipped into the lab, locking the door behind her.
Crono snapped.
A minute later, a disgruntled Crono knocked on the door to the lab, wiping blood off his sword and rubbing makeup off. He had masterfully changed into his normal clothes in less than ten seconds. He's amazing, what can I say.
"Never again," Crono warned when the door locked behind him again. "Ever. I swear, if you so much as suggest cross-dressing as a diversion again, your innards will be splattered throughout the cafeteria. And then I'll dance on your grave. No jury would convict me."
"Duly noted," Lucca said, shoving on a face guard. "Stand back, these torch wielders can get pretty nasty."
"Lucca, that's not a torch wielder, that's a flame-"
He was cut off by the massive wave of fire that filled the area.
"-thrower. Great." He patted his sleeve to put the fire out. "You're a really insane pyromaniac, Lucca."
"Thank you."
---
Marle read the note sitting on her desk with mild interest. Until she realized what her husband-to-be was doing. Then she laughed her head off.
"Crono the Cross-Dresser. I like it."
She waltzed out the door, ignoring the trail of blood leading to the lab. She was expecting that blood anyway.
---
"There." Lucca stood back and admired her work. "This should get us to the End of Time."
"What if the End of Time was wiped out when the-"
"Shut up and let me marvel in my work before you point out the obvious flaws," Lucca interrupted.
Crono shut up, but wondered briefly if Lucca was going to nearly kill them all again. The reason it was briefly was becasue Marle had walked in, and she was wearing her night clothes. Damn she looked hot in her night clothes. They'd look better on his bedroom fl- NO! NO, he mustn't think the way Bob and Tim do - did - or he'd end up dead. Possibly with a sword impaled in his large intestine, small intestine, liver, spleen, stomach, and several smaller organs that he didn't know existed but were there anyway, despite their apparent uselessness.
Lucca sighed. "Alright, point out the flaws."
"For one, how do you know this thing'll get us anywhere at all? The End of Time was connected to the world by the gates, right?"
"It could still be there," Lucca said smartly. "Just unconnected to the world. This little baby should get us to the-"
"That's my second point," Crono said. "That 'should' part. Every time you've said 'this should work,' we've ended up in either mortal danger or nearly dead."
"He's got a valid point," Marle added.
"We won't know until we try, right?" Lucca commented, and proceeded to press the large red button.
"Wait, I wasn't-"
A trip through the strands of space later (which took approximately 6.2 nanoseconds)...
"-finished. You suck."
A bird cawed. Water wooshed. People bustled around the marketplace that the three had suddenly appeared in. A sign said "Welcome to Guardia, the Best Place in the World to Live." The sun shone brightly upon them.
"Damn, didn't work," Lucca said, frowning at her machine. "Let's try again-"
"NO!" Marle and Crono yelled.
Lucca's finger hesitated over the button. "Why? We're not at the End of Time, clearly it didn't work-"
"We're back in Guardia!" Crono yelled. "OUR Guardia!"
Lucca narrowed her eyes suspiciously, and she grabbed the nearest passerby. "What year is it?"
"What interdimensional hyperspace did YOU leap off?" the woman sneered nastily.
Lucca pulled her gun out. "You have until my finger pulls the trigger to answer my question."
"1004 A.D.," the woman said immediately.
"Who's the king?"
"King Guardia..."
"The?"
"I don't know!" the woman wailed. "Don't kill me!"
"Is Crono Triggare an idiot?"
"Yes," the woman choked out. "Really big."
"Is Lucca Ashtear a genuis?"
"Yes."
"What is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?"
"What?"
"Just testing you."
Throughout this conversation, Spekkio had appeared to Crono and Marle and apologized for the inconvienience. Apparently, he had accidentally sent them into an alternate future, true to Lucca's hypothesis. He vanished after promising that he would personally blow up any time machine that Lucca tried to build at any point afterwords. Crono and Marle rejoiced.
Finally, Lucca let the traumatized woman go, and nodded at the nearest Bank of Guardia. "Let's ask for assistance from these people, they'll be intelligent."
She walked in, stood on a chair, and held her hands up in the air.
"Alright, nobody move. I need your total cooperation."
She then realized she'd forgotten that her gun was in her hand. Damn, now they were going to think she was ready to kill them. Or rob the bank. Or both. Or whether or not they'd left the sprinklers on. But mostly the first two.
Everyone screamed, and dropped to the ground, sobbing. The Guardian guards advanced on Lucca.
"Shit."
---
Fortunately for Lucca, Marle decided that she wanted Lucca to be her Maiden of Honor at the wedding, and Lucca got to get out of jail for that occasion. Crono had objected to this, stating that Lucca was everything BUT honorable. Marle stuffed a slice of lemon pie into Crono's face and insisted. Crono gave in, partly because he was starting to go into shock. That's when he found out he was allergic to lemon. But I digress.
The day of the wedding arrived. Marle was getting ready, Lucca was trying to figure out how to walk in her heels, and Crono was in his own room, writing his vows. Mr. Tinkles stole the vows and replaced them when Crono wasn't looking.
At the wedding...
It was a beautiful day. The wedding took place near the ocean, and pretty much everyone in Guardia was there. There was an orchestra playing some sappy love song, and Crono's mom was in tears.
"Now I have to feed his cats!" she wailed, blowing her nose while the king patted her awkwardly on the back.
The music changed to the traditional "Here Comes the Bride," and everybody became silent.
Marle walked down the aisle. Her white dress was large and flowing (hey, I can't describe a dress to save my life, people), with a long white veil covering her somewhat anxious face. Most people thought she was thinking about why she was wearing a dress. Her exact thoughts:
He'd better not screw this up. I'll kill him.
She smiled and waved as she walked, also wondering why the hell the aisle was so damn long. The heels were murdering her. And the dress itched like hell.
Crono waited at the marble altar, his hands in his pockets. His fingers ran over the paper he'd prepared with his vows on it. Mr. Tinkles grinned evilly from his spot on Crono's mom's lap.
"Dearly beloved," the priest began in a monotone. "We gather here today..."
Mr. Tinkles hopped down from his spot on Crono's mom's lap and walked over to the orchestra, who were all staring intently at the couple on the altar. Because of their intent focus, they didn't notice Tinkles replace the couple's wedding song music sheets with a song of his choice. Pleased with himself, the evil cat trotted back to his spot and settled back down.
"And now, would the bride read the vows?" the priest droned.
Marle cleared her throat. "Piss me off, and I kill you. I love you, sweetie. I was quite sad when you died the first time, I would hate for it to happen again."
The audience was dumbfounded by this simple vow.
"Would... would the groom?" the priest stammered.
Crono looked at his paper. "Um... dearest Marle. I really think you're hot. I mean, all those times I saved the world's butt, you were there with me. And I wanted to grip your butt firmly and-" He froze, shook his head, and skipped ahead. "I think it would be really awesome if we could liven up this shindig by publicly displaying our undying affection for one another through acts of sexual inter-"
Marle's eye was twitching, and Crono wiped his forehead. "Well, this doesn't look like my vows, mine were uncharacteristically sappy..." He bit his lip. "Anyway. I want to have lots of kids. And we should definitely name one after my cat, who is the coolest bastard this side of the universe."
Everyone looked at Mr. Tinkles, who purred, who was apparently pleased with himself.
"You die, Tinkle King," Crono snarled, crushing the paper in his fist and reaching for his sword as Lucca stifled a giggle. "You switched my vows with vows of your own evil design, didn't you? Yeah, you're a bastard all right - a JACKASS BASTARD WHO IS ABOUT TO DIE!" He brandished his sword and stuck it in the air.
"Crono, please!" his mother said indignantly. "He's a CAT! He can't write vows for you!"
Everyone delcared Crono insane and the ceremony went on without much incident.
Until the post-wedding party, when the orchestra's director signaled for the orchestra to play the wedding song.
After hearing the first three notes of the song, Marle nearly strangled Crono.
"Why the HELL did you tell the orchestra to play 'I am in love with a stripper'?" Marle shrieked, hurling her champagne bottle at Crono's head (fortunately, she was well on her way to being drunk, so it missed his head). "Our wedding song is 'Have I told you lately that I love you'!"
Crono whimpered. "I didn't do it, honey, I swear!"
Crono's mom sighed happily, seeing her new daughter-in-law chase Crono around the wedding site, waving her crossbow as Crono sang "Have I told you lately that I love you" in a frantic voice.
"They're going to be happy together, Mr. Tinkles," Crono's mom said.
Mr. Tinkles meowed.
"Yes. At least they won't get old, they'll kill each other first." Crono's mom stretched her legs and smiled as Marle buried Crono's head in the fountain of lemonade. "Let's go home."
---End---
Finished! Yay! Please review, come on, it's the end of the fic. And sorry if this fic had spelling problems, I try to catch them since I don't have a word processer - I'm stuck with MS Wordpad, and it doesn't have spell check. Anyway, please stay tuned to any CT fics I'll have in the future, I have one that I'm working on already - not a humor one, though. Sorry. But PLEASE review. Or you make me a sad person. D;