Thank you to Liz for reading and reviewing and being so complimentry. And thank you to Laire from the GW LJ for your lovely feedback. The reward for you pair is Chaprter 2! Enjoy. And to any other readers, thank you for reading, and here's some more to read!

Note: italics equal flashback.

2. Perfect Posture But You're Barely Scraping By

"I'm trying not to feel you

But you just brushed by

And if you dare to cross that line you know

My toes would step on fire

Oh sizzle when it's face on face

And skin on skin

I'm trying to keep you out

And I'm trying to keep me in"

Ainslie – Keep Me A Secret

Caroline looked around, she couldn't see Mac anywhere. She recalled the last party she had held at her house and smiled. Although most memories of that night were a little fuzzy, she could still picture clearly what had happened with Mac. She also knew from Martin that Mac had been keeping an eye out for her that night. It made her smile just thinking of the idea that he had caught her as she fell backwards. He caught her and she was lying in his arms. And then...well. That was a memory no amount of alcohol could truly remove. Sure, the day after it was all a blur but now it was as clear as crystal.

Mac, in effect, had stolen her life. Every day just faded to grey unless he let slip a smile in her direction or unless she brushed past him, the contact sending chills up her spine. Pleasure was something she had thought she understood, then Mac kissed her and everything changed. Pleasure was something different to what it had been before and it was rarer and briefer. She knew it was silly, to peruse a dream that Mac would turn around one day and sweep her up in his arms kissing her passionately then take her off in to the sunset for a happy ending. She was wishing her life away on things that she would probably never get the courage to tell him.

She spotted out of the corner of her eye, the hint of a flowing shirt. A slight flash of strawberry blonde hair. It was Mac, it had to be Mac. She got up and followed him. He stopped in a quiet corner, leaning against the wall and closing his eyes. She took a deep breath and got up the courage to speak.
"Hi" she managed. Hi? Hi? You're in the middle of deciding if this man is the love of your life and the best you can do is hi? She thought. He lifted his head, opening his eyes and focusing on her.
"Hi" he nodded, hinting for her to continue. Was she that obvious, could he really tell she had more to say? So, so much more to say.
"I...I'm...I've"
"You, you are, you have?" he smiled mischievously.
"Sorry...I guess I just get...stutter shook around you"
"Really? And why might that be?" he asked. She stepped closer so they were standing quite close together.
"Well, I er...I don't know. I guess I'm always trying to make an impression around you. Have I"
"Have you what"
"Made an impression"
"More than you'll know" he said softly.

She looked in to his eyes. She was almost lost in them, drowning in their beautiful blue-grey. Mystified by the hint of green creeping in softly as she stared. He seemed equally mesmerised by her, but she couldn't say for sure. You could never tell with Mac. She knew what was going to happen next. Whether Mac would pull away before the climax was another matter. But no matter what, they would at least come close. Once more their faces would be close enough to kiss. But would they? He put his hand softly on her cheek as their faces came even closer. They kissed and she was in another world. Nothing else but Mac existed. He was her world. They pulled back, regaining and holding on to the eye contact. Then drawing closer again. Almost. But no.

"Caroline I er...oh I'm sorry am I...er...?" Angela said, hovering at Caroline's side uncertainly.
"No, no. I was just...just speaking with Mac." Mac did one of his laughing smiles and walked away. Damn it Angela, that was my chance. She thought. Then she sighed and walked away.

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Caroline buried her head in her hands. She couldn't do this, she had to find Mac. She wanted to know how to feel, she wanted to know where to start, what this meant, what was real. She wanted to know who he was. Who is really was inside. And what she wanted more than anything was for Mac to hold her in his arms and make all her problems go away. She wanted him to look after her, because goodness knows she needed looking after. She was falling to pieces inside and no one knew. She wanted to tell Mac, but she didn't have the courage.

Maybe she should go home and hide from her problems. Or perhaps denial was her only option. But no. Who was she kidding? Who was she trying to persuade? She couldn't hide from her feelings at home. It would just end up with her sitting in the bathroom crying. And as for denial, that would never work. Not with Mac around. How can you deny that you love someone when their smile gives you a warmth inside you cannot describe, when their voice sets a smile upon your face and when their touch sends shivers down your spine? It cannot be done.

She remembered what she used to think of him. Hate and love were only separated by a fine line. And she had been right about the kind eyes. No one knew how she felt, although Angela and Martin had a fair idea. Maybe she should ask them for help. Not Angela. She would make her feel inadequate, which was something Caroline was capable of doing to herself without any help. Not good enough for Mac. But maybe Martin would understand. Or maybe she should just continue as she was. She didn't need anyone to make her feel as if she wasn't good enough for Mac. Because she wasn't good enough for him, or at least that's how she saw it.

And yet, she still loved him. It is said that love is blind and without reason. And that would be true. It doesn't always choose carefully as to where it finds itself and it discards all knowledge of the past and the pains and secrets that may be buried in that past. Neither does it do anything to ease the frustrations and complications it creates for those it inflicts. But it is also said that if love is true, then it will find a way. But for Caroline this seemed hard to believe.

Of course as she dithered on what to do, her heart and mind in knots, she avoided the one person she should go to. She had to go to. She didn't want to put him as a possibility. She didn't have the strength or the courage to ask him about this. But she had to. She had to find Mac. She had to find out how he felt. She had to find out now. Before she got dragged even further in to a mire of despair.

It is said that love is never easy. It is said love is misunderstood. It is said that a kiss doesn't mean a thing. Caroline disagreed with each of these statements. To her love was Mac. And to her, Mac was complicated but worth every complication just for a brush of his skin against hers.

She came out in to the corridor. Mac was there. That made it a little easier for her. Less chance to change her mind or lose her courage. She quickly ran after him, grabbing his arm. As he turned, she savoured the simple feel of his shirt. A sensual experience that somehow made her feel weak. She ran her hand down his arm and then realised he could tell what she was doing. Possibly even that she was enjoying it. Self-consciously she removed her hand. But he acted naturally. Except for a secret smile that let her know he had seen her pleasure.

"How can I help you?" he smiled. She looked around, delaying what she had to say. But it was too late now, it was going to be said. It had to be said.
"Where are we?" she asked, looking up at him once more. He did another one of his secret smiles. She had seen them so often. Mac always seemed to know how to hide his feeling and his past, but see in to others' hearts and their pasts. And those secret smiles were the signal that he knew.
"At a crossroads" he said softly. The double meaning affected both of them. They were standing at a crossroads in the literal sense, that was true. But that wasn't all he had meant, she was sure of it.

"Mac I...I have some things on my mind and...and it's hard for me to say them. To anyone. And...well you're the only person I can say them to, but you're also the only person I need to say this to"
"Go on" Mac said gently, but hesitantly.
"I...well...how can I explain...I just...I can't stop what you've begun...or maybe...maybe I started it but...look Mac I just...I can't stop thinking about you and me and...this"
"This"
"Yes...and...well when I look at you, when I look in to your eyes I realise I don't know you but I also realise I don't care. Because when I look at you, suddenly it's clear. It's clear that..." but she just froze. Could she say it? Did Mac know what she wanted to say?
"Well that's erm...very kind of you but I...I just really have to...look, I'm sorry. Trust me, I mean that more than you will know. But I just can't be here right now and I just can't for reasons that I wish I could tell you but I...I would rather forget them. I'm sorry Caroline, I really am" Mac said gentle. She could hear the note of pain in his voice, but as he turned and walked away the fact he was hurting didn't make the fact she was hurting any easier for her.

"But Mac..." she called after him, "...I love you" she whispered. A single tear traced down her cheek as she stood there listening to the eyrie silence. As if the whole hospital had stopped to let her continue to hear the echoes of Mac's words as he had turned and gone. She stood dead still, listening to the dead silence and she felt something inside of her die as that single tear continued to slide slowly down her cheek.

She thought she was alone. But no. In fact, two more people shared her pain. Around the corner at the end of the corridor stood Mac. He head in his hands. Ready to cry but determined not to. And looking on from the top of the corridor, just out of sight from Caroline, stood Sue. And she had seen it unfold before her, and heard every word no matter if it was whispered or not. And something happened to Sue that she never thought would happen to her. She felt sympathy. And for Caroline. Mac too. Both were hurting and she was surprised that it killed her inside to see it before her. She blinked, fighting a tear. And as one tear escaped, she looked around then briskly turned away. She needed to do something, but she had no clue what.

But Caroline couldn't bring herself to move. So she just stood there, feeling her world melt away. His touch made her fall in love. Skin on skin meant electricity within her. But his words made her fall to pieces. His words meant not that he didn't love her, but that he couldn't. And he couldn't even tell her why.

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Mac felt a hand grab his arm. He turned and the hand ran gently and slowly down his arm with a soft rustling of smooth fabric. The sound to him, was the same as her touch and he silently revelled in it. Outwardly he acted normally but inwardly he ran away, not knowing whether to smile for the joy of seeing her or scream at the confusion of loving her. She looked up at him, staring in to his eyes, then she seemed to realise she was still holding his arm. Quickly and self-consciously she removed her hand and looked away.
"Can I help you?" Mac smiled. She looked around her and then finally looked up at him once more.
"Where are we?" she asked slowly. Mac just smiled.
"At a crossroads" he said. The double meaning affected both of them. They were, it had to be said, standing at a point where the corridor branched out in four directions. But that wasn't all he had meant when he had said they were at a crossroads.

"Mac I...I have some things on my mind and...and it's hard for me to say them. To anyone. And...well you're the only person I can say them to, but you're also the only person I need to say this to"
"Go on" Mac said gently, but hesitantly. He could second guess what she was going to say. And he knew it would mix him up inside even further. But he couldn't walk away, then he would be doing to her what he was so afraid she would do to him. Maybe he should let her go on, then when the time was right, explain to her. But he couldn't tell her his past, he couldn't tell her his fears. Because part of his fears was that she would throw those fears back in his face and laugh. Maybe he should tell her he was sorry, tell her he meant it in more ways than one.
"I...well...how can I explain...I just...I can't stop what you've begun...or maybe...maybe I started it but...look Mac I just...I can't stop thinking about you and me and...this"
"This?" he asked, shifting slightly. He felt his stomach flip. He was nervous. He didn't know what to do, what to say. And how to do or say it.
"Yes...and...well when I look at you, when I look in to your eyes I realise I don't know you but I also realise I don't care. Because when I look at you, suddenly it's clear. It's clear that..." but she just froze. He had to leave, before she found the courage to say the three words he longed to hear but loathed the uncertainty of trusting.
"Well that's erm...very kind of you but I...I just really have to...look, I'm sorry. Trust me, I mean that more than you will know. But I just can't be here right now and I just can't for reasons that I wish I could tell you but I...I would rather forget them. I'm sorry Caroline, I really am" Mac said, hoping she would understand. Hoping she wouldn't ask him for answers and reasons he couldn't give to her. He hoped she could hear the note of pain in his voice and understand that there was heartbreak there as he turned away. But as he turned away, even though he knew she understood he wasn't leaving to be cruel, it didn't make him feel any better about turning his back.

"But Mac..." she called after him. But he turned the corner. He wanted to keep walking but he couldn't. His legs refused to let him continue. He stopped, leaning against the wall, closing his eyes. He ran his hand over his face. Fighting off tears, her let out a long sigh. This was a mess. He was a mess. He was broken.

He thought he was alone. But no. In fact, he was being watched. Just along the corridor, hovering in a doorway, was Guy. He was silent and shocked. He felt fro Mac, something he never thought he would do. And Guy realised, as he watched Mac who was clearly torn up and clearly in love, that Mac needed a friend. And he realised he should be a friend to Mac for once. And be a good friend too. He took in a quick breath and walked away. He didn't want Mac to find him watching, Mac needed to be alone now. And so he left him alone, clearing his mind.

But Mac couldn't clear his mind. So he just stood there, feeling the world melt away. Feeling his heart tying itself in knots. He had to keep Caroline out, keep himself inside. And he had to keep up his pretences. Perfect posture, even though he was barely scraping by.

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