And so this story is drawing to a close. With very little left to go, emotions come to a head. There will be arguments over chips and salad, there will be screams and there will be the need for padding around your ankles. Yes, this is the second to last chapter of Never Say Never. I hope you enjoy it! Please leave a review, I love to know how my story is going down with the great reading public.
Lin x
Ignore, Ignore, Ignore
"Who's that girl?
Where's she from?
No, she can't be the one
That you want
That has stolen my world
It's not real, it's not right
It's my day, it's my night
By the way, who's that girl
Living my life
Oh no, livin' my life.
Seems like everything's the same around me
Then I look again and everything has changed
I'm not dreaming, so I don't know why I don't know why,
I don't know why She's everywhere I wanna be"
Hilary Duff – 'Who's That Girl?'
Caroline glared over at where Emily stood. Martin hovered nervously next to her, worried by the harshness of Caroline's stare. Mac looked up. He closed his eyes, he seemed to be nervous. Or perhaps not nervous, distressed. Emily looked at him sympathetically. She touched his arm gently. He smiled sadly at her, then noticed Caroline. Their eyes locked for a moment. Caroline wondered if he knew the manner she had been looking at Emily in. He could probably guess. Emily looked over too now. But Mac and Caroline didn't take their eyes off each other. Then he sighed, his shoulders dropped, and he looked away. Emily touched his arm again before he turned and walked away.
"She's stealing him from me" Caroline said quietly.
"How can you say that? You saw how Mac looked at you. And besides, we both know you haven't had the courage to tell him you want to claim him yet. That makes him quite easy to steal" Martin said. It could have so easily sounded patronising or cruel. But not the way Martin said it. And anyway, he was only telling her the truth.
"I'm not brave enough to tell him how I feel about him, not properly. And when I get up the courage, it always goes wrong. And it always shatters my confidence ever further" Caroline said quietly, still looking at the spot where he had been standing.
"It's hard, when you feel so strongly about someone you feel you can't slip up once or you'll blow it for good. Trust me, I know. But if you give Mac a chance, I'm sure he'd be patient with you. You just need enough courage to start out with" Martin replied.
"Maybe...but from what I've heard, he's not the patient type"
"Why? What have you heard? Because it must be something I don't know about Mac. I know he has both patience and kindness. He's extended both to me once or twice, and I am very glad he has too"
"Well, Guy knew"
"Guy? What did you hear from Guy? And why did you believe it? You know all Guy wants is for Mac to lose out. Preferably lose out to him"
"Well...I hadn't thought about it like that"
"What did he tell you then"
"He said that Mac was going out with someone for six years"
"Yes"
"And that she got pregnant"
"Yes"
"And then he dumped her"
"Well, yes and no. You didn't get the full story. She got pregnant and Mac wanted to stand by her. He felt...deeply for Holly. And it broke his heart splitting up with her"
"But why did they split up if it wasn't because she got pregnant"
"It was because she had an abortion."
Caroline stood still, shocked she hadn't know this. Shocked that she had trusted and believed what Guy had said without asking anyone else for all this time. Shocked that she had believed Mac could have been that cruel. Shocked that this Holly had done that to Mac. That was why he was so afraid of them being anything. He didn't know whether it was safe to trust his heart any more.
----------
"I am shocked at you" she said as he walked past. He stopped, frowned, then slowly turned around to see Emily standing there. Her folder clasped to her chest, her face cold.
"I beg your pardon"
"Why do you treat her so badly? How can you treat her so badly? Especially considering how highly you think of her"
"Emily"
"I'm talking about Caroline. Who is she to you and why do fall at her feet every time you think you hear her call your name before turning away again seconds later"
"You are speaking in code" Mac sighed, looking away from Emily.
"And you speak in lies"
"You know I would never lie to you, to anyone"
"But you tell lies to yourself Mac."
Mac looked back at her, and she held his gaze.
"Don't tell me what I tell myself, because you have no idea. You think I lie to save myself from misery? You think my whispered words in shadowy corners are to tell myself I am doing her right? To hide the pain I inflict on her but cannot feel myself? You're wrong. I whisper that I love her, I whisper that I'm hurting her, I whisper that this is killing me, I whisper that I haven't got the words or the strength or the heart or the life left in me...I whisper that maybe tomorrow it will be ok to feel properly again. But it never is. And above all I whisper that I'm ok. But I never am"
Emily fell silent. She had read him so wrong. She had made assumptions and forgotten to trust. She had believed in a guilty party and a victim. But she saw now. She saw that Caroline and Mac were guilty of hurting each other with equal pains. And so, they were each other's victims. Neither was guilty of any of the spite she had told Mac he possessed. Clearly he did not ever take out bitterness on anyone and besides he was so broken down he didn't even have the spirit to throw poison anymore.
"I think I've disappeared" he said softly, turning to walk away.
"I think time will bring you back...or at least, Caroline will bring you back in time"
"Not even she can take away my past"
"No...no...but Mac, I promise you. You can feel it when you two are close. There's a tension, a romantic, subtle tension that makes your heart stop and the hairs on the back of your neck stand on end. And you feel like you are watching something...something magic, special. It brings out another side to us all Mac. Guy, Sue...me. We are different people when we open our eyes and look"
"I feel it too, but I feel like I am betraying something. Someone...Holly"
"How can you betray her? She betrayed you Mac"
"It's not for me to say what happens. It's for time to fix"
"Guy, Sue, Me, we are different people when we open our eyes and look at what you and Caroline have. And you and Caroline are different people when you open your eyes and look at each other. Different from the people you were in your past. Different to who you were with Holly. And different means change and change means moving on. Move on Mac, move on and change"
"I will when I can. But for now, let me stay how I am forever and a bit more"
"Forever and a bit more it may well seem, but I promise you Mac something true love is all but forever away"
"She will come out of all this hating me, and I'll just be alone again"
"Mac, can't you see. She'll love you forever and a day, she'll wait for you for longer than that. But even if a part of her heart is always waiting for you, people still move on. You'll love her forever and a day. But just don't be scared for that long too.
Mac looked up from the floor, briefly meeting Emily's gaze. He closed his eyes, distressed. Emily looked at him sympathetically. She touched his arm gently. He smiled sadly at her, then noticed Caroline. Her face changed from stony to warm. She looked at him as if she hadn't seen him six months. As if he had just come home. But whenever he saw Caroline, it felt like coming home. For his heart at least. Their eyes locked for a moment. Emily looked over too and she smiled to herself as she saw them locked in each other's stare. Mac and Caroline didn't take their eyes off each other. But then he sighed, his shoulders dropped, and he looked away
"I get tired and I get weak. I can't keep this up much longer"
"Keep what up"
"Pretending I'm ok" he whispered. . Emily touched his arm again, before he turned and walked away.
----------
Caroline winced inwardly as Angela sat down next to her. Couldn't she see she was busy? Oh, dear god. Look at what is on her plate. Salad. A salad. Caroline looked down at her own plate, piled high with chips.
"I was going for the salad but they'd...run out when I went" she mumbled.
"Aw, poor you Caro. Having to each such rubbish instead. I'll go and get you a salad" Angela offered. Bugger it.
"No, no, no. I'm fine with this 'rubbish' now thank you" she grumbled.
"Are you sure? Tell you what, here, we can swap" Angela said, reaching for Caroline's plate. Caroline swatted her hand away.
"No, I told you. I'm fine. And anyway, we can't have you being tainted with this 'rubbish'. Unhealthy for perfect people"
"Are you sure Caro? It's no trouble...at least have some of mine. I can't bear to see you suffering" Angela said. Oh dear lord. She was so patronising.
"NO! I AM FINE! WHAT PART OF THAT DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?" Caroline snapped, finally breaking. Angela froze. There was a pause.
"Fine. Die of heart disease" Angela sighed primly, smoothing her shirt and taking a bite of salad. Caroline looked over her shoulder, and went pale. Oh no. Please say that she hadn't just been spotted completely losing it? As if she hadn't seemed neurotic enough, she just had to go and add to her unfortunate case. She smiled awkwardly at him, and quickly looked down at her plate. Then she remembered what she had discovered earlier.
"Angela...did you know...Holly?" she asked quietly. As if mentioning the name could cause a war to break out somewhere on a small island to the east of China. Angela looked up. For the first time ever, Caroline had caught her off guard and unprepared. A very small victory, and yet somehow satisfying.
"Well yes actually...but...well...I still do...but...I...why"
"Because I just found out today the truth about her. And I think I've just realised, I was too hard on him"
"Him"
"Oh you know him"
"No...who him"
"You know who him"
"Him who"
"HIM"
"Him?" asked a third voice, sounding amused.
"Fuck! I mean Mic! I mean Mac!" Caroline stammered. He smiled one of those patented 'Mac' smiles as he sat down.
"Angela and I were just talking about"
"Him by any chance?" he smirked.
"Yes, you know. Him. You know him don't you, yes? No? Of course not, silly of me, w...w...what brings you...h...h...here?" she asked.
"Is him Statham? Because you are beginning to sound a lot like him" Mac smiled, playfully. Angela looked from Caroline to Mac.
"I know him who. And good luck with whatever you're planning, because you're going to need a pretty good plan to make that one work out" Angela said, in a disheartening tone. Then she took something out of her purse, slipping it in Caroline's top pocket.
"There's your predecessor by the way. And just so you know, they both want each other back."
That was incredibly spiteful. Caroline thought. But she didn't want to dwell on it. She was sitting alone with Mac. That was good enough for her right now.
----------
Mac sighed. He flashed a half hearted smile at someone he knew. He was shattered. Late nights, early mornings. Pretty much all that he was surviving off was coffee. That and seeing Caroline. Not so much because of the sparks he felt when he saw her, but more because she always able to make him smile. He wasn't laughing at her, not really. Just about her. Partly with her. Although she needed someone to help her get the confidence she needed to be able to laugh at herself.
And then he saw her. Her and Angela sat together. Angela had a salad, Caroline had chips. He could tell by the way Caroline was eyeing Angela that she felt inadequate. Her felt sorry for her. Angela was so perfect it had become one huge imperfection. He smirked as Caroline obviously made some sort of excuse for her chips. It amused him further as Angela tried to give Caroline her salad. And then, Caroline lost it. She yelled something at Angela. Mac laughed, taking a slight step to the side so that he was in her view. She saw him as she looked just over Angela's shoulder. Her face. Priceless. Then she smiled awkwardly, followed by her hissing something to Angela in a low voice. He walked over towards them.
"Him"
"Oh you know him"
"No...who him"
"You know who him"
"Him who"
"HIM"
"Him?" he asked, amused.
"Fuck! I mean Mic! I mean Mac!" Caroline stammered. He smiled, sitting down. Oh Caroline. Why do you always tie yourself in knots over me? I'm nothing special. Maybe that's why, because I don't pretend to be anything I'm not. or maybe you think there's a connection here. Or maybe it's both.
"Angela and I were just talking about"
"Him by any chance?" he smirked. Who was this him? It could be anyone. Secretly, a part of him hoped that he was this mysterious "him." But another part of him told him to stop being so stupid.
"Yes, you know. Him. You know him don't you, yes? No? Of course not, silly of me, w...w...what brings you...h...h...here?" she asked. More knots. Caroline, please. Breath. I don't care what you say, just as long as you're saying it to me. Is that what someone in love would say? Just ignore it. Ignore, ignore, ignore.
"Is him Statham? Because you are beginning to sound a lot like him" Mac smiled, playfully. Angela looked from Caroline to Mac.
"I know him who. And good luck with whatever you're planning, because you're going to need a pretty good plan to make that one work out" Angela said, in a disheartening tone. Then she took something out of her purse, slipping it in Caroline's top pocket. Mac raised an eyebrow, but made no comment. Intriguing. No, don't be intrigued. Ignore, ignore, ignore. Get it right Mac. Ignore, ignore, ig...but look at her. "There's your predecessor by the way. And just so you know, they both want each other back" Angela said. Mac sighed. That was incredibly spiteful. Mac thought. But the odd thing is, he wasn't sure what it was spiteful about. It had just hurt him to see the way it had evidently hurt Caroline.. But he didn't want to dwell on it. He was sitting alone with Caroline. That was good enough for him right now. Don't think like that Mac. But how can I not? Please don't let me be falling in love with her. I just can't go there again. But I'm already there. I'm not falling in love. I think I've already fallen. Forget how you think you feel Mac. Ignore, ignore, ignore. Or maybe, just for now, he should go with it. Forget what he thought he should do. Ignore, ignore, ignore it. And let himself stay here with Caroline for a while, indulging in some romance. But not too much. Never too much.
----------
Caroline had been on a cloud. Until Mac had left. Although, for a while she had stayed on that cloud. Then she had remembered what Angela had said. She had looked at the picture. Holly was beautiful. Caroline was no match for her. But what about in Mac's eyes? Who was more beautiful to him? Oh stop it Caroline. Like he'd ever choose you over her. Stop thinking about him and you. Screw your feelings, he'll never pick you. Forget it. Ignore, ignore, ignore. She tore the picture in two in frustration. Then she acknowledged her surroundings. How had she ended up in the main entrance? She must have been walking around the hospital for hours. So much for work. But then really, what did the patients matter when she was in love. Whoa! Back up there Caroline. Love? Ignore, ignore, ignore. Just stop it. You can't love the man. You hardly know him. But you know enough. Stop it! Now. And then her heart stopped. She was frozen for a moment with a mixture of terror, panic and hatred coursing through her. Holly. Holly was here. She stood in the main entrance. Just inside the doors. Caroline ran over to her. No! You fool. Don't go over to her. She doesn't know you. But she hurt Mac. Oh for god's sake Caroline, get a grip. Ignore her. Ignore, ignore, ignore. But it was too late.
"You've got some nerve" Caroline said fiercely. Holly spun round to face her, beaming. Oh lord. Caroline wanted wretch.
"I'm sorry?" she asked in sickly sweet voice. She sounded like Emililly. Formally known as Lady Emily Lewis-Westbrook. But you know? Screw that. She was Emililly and this was Holly the babykiller.
"You! You have some nerve coming back here after what you did. Who do you think you are? Do you realise what you did to Mac? You ruined his life and in turn that means you've ruined mine"
"I don't believe we've met, but I suppose you're what he had to resort to. I must have hurt him badly. Either that or his taste in women has really gone down the market...or you're just some delusional women who thinks she stands a chance with him. It's really not very becoming, or ladylike. In fact, it's actually rather sad, desperate even. Very painful to watch"
"He doesn't need you, although I daresay he thinks he does"
"Aw. Well. It is up to him"
"He could be so happy without you. Not necessarily with me. You'll just tear him up, break him down, hurt him badly then either leave or let him tell you to leave"
"I don't believe it's any of your business"
"I have a backbone stronger than yours. I have a heart. And it belongs to Mac. You break him, you break me. So I guess I'm just fucked then. Because he's broken alright. On the inside. And yet, he's still going to choose you over me. Even though he knows he owns my heart, even though he likes to smile at me when we see each other. And you know why he'll still choose you? Not because of spite or desperation. But because you broke him. Broken people always spend their lives search, trying to get the person that broke them back again. Even when they get broken again. It takes so much to lift them out of something like that. And I don't think I have the strength to try. I'll always be hoping. But I'll always be disappointed"
"Lovely story, but really. I'm only here to see Mac"
"Funny, if you carry on like that, you may just do yourself the harm I need you to do for my dreams"
"What"
"Nothing...just...well, with the way you've been acting, you seem to me like the sort of person that Mac would see right through"
"Oh yeah?" Holly asked, raising her voice.
"Damn right! I have a back bone stronger than yours! I do! And he'll see through you! I know he will! Because I have faith in him! And I care about him!" Caroline yelled.
"You know he'll never choose you! You've said it yourself! And anyway, you're nothing to him, especially against me. I own him, as good as. And you'll never have him. And even if you do, he'll be damaged goods by then, an emotional wreck. Even more than you claim he is now. Trust me. You have no hope" Holly retorted, with equal force and volume. Then, suddenly, an arm came in between them. Forcing them to take a step away from each other.
"Hey, hey. Calm down ladies. Now what's all this abo...Holly" Mac said, saying her name as little more than a murmur.
"Hello Mac. I'm back!" Holly smiled.
Mac saw Caroline, heard her first. She was having a go at some women, and the women was full of equal aggression. Mac could have sworn he knew her voice. He went over to break them up, but he found more than he bargained for.
"Hey, hey. Calm down ladies. Now what's all this abo...Holly" Mac said, saying her name as little more than a murmur.
"Hello Mac. I'm back!" Holly smiled. He stayed silent for some time. He barely registered Guy and Martin arriving. Eventually he caught himself. He took Holly by the arm. He gently, but firmly, led her away from Caroline.
"Holly, why are you back here?" he asked, quietly, not looking her in the eye. Unable to handle this.
"I came back for you. Look Mac, I was wrong. I see that now. I think, if you would just hear me out, if we could just talk, then maybe...maybe we could stand a chance. We could be together again. Don't you want that?" she smiled. He sighed, looking at her.
"We'll talk...I just have to...I have to tell Caroline" he said. Holly smiled.
"I'll be waiting right here."
He went over to her. What could he say?
"Caroline I"
"She's offering you the world and I'm offering you a neurotic freak who used to make a point of telling you she hated you. I understand Mac. Go with her. She's better than me. We both know that. Us, it just...it's nothing compared to what she's offering you She's better than me. She is."
She's not a better person than you though Caroline. She's not better for me than you. She's no you. He thought. But don't be silly Mac. Please god don't be silly Mac.
"You mean, you saw us as...as us?" he asked softly.
"No more than you did...although I hope no less than you either. I hope we both saw us as us"
"I'm so sorry" he sighed. Placed a kiss on her cheek. She treasured the feeling. Smiled at him sadly. And he turned to walk away.
"Mac..." she called. He turned back.
"Who is that girl"
"Holly" he frowned, taken aback.
Martin and Guy looked at each other. They had to do something. They had to remind Mac what Holly had done to him.
"Holly the Babykiller" the said together. Mac closed his eyes. He had deserved that reminder. Glanced away, then glanced back once more. Caroline took a deep breath. This was killing her inside, he could feel it himself. Ignore it Mac. Ignore, ignore, ignore.
"I don't mean who is she like that, I mean who is she to you"
"Caroline I"
"It's ok. I get it. But I just want you to know, I will always love you. Even if you can't love me. And because I love you, I just want you to be happy. So if Holly makes you happy and you love her, then I won't hold you back. No matter what I feel for you, I will still be here for you as a friend and I will let you go. I may feel like she has stolen my world, but if she's stolen your heart then who am I to argue? You go. Go and be happy. And I will support you forever because I love you for just as long. And I do love you Mac. You have to know that Mac. I do love you...but I still have to let you go to her"
Mac walked away. Although a part of him was telling him that if she was prepared to do that for him, then maybe he was walking over to the wrong woman. He joined Holly. He had to at least talk to Holly. And the voice that kept telling him about the little things Caroline did, the little things she said that made her his 'one', well he just had to ignore it. Ignore, ignore, ignore.
----------
Caroline felt like she was watching herself watch him walk away. It wasn't real. It had to be a dream. She tried to tell herself that if he was happy then she was. But she wasn't. Watching him walk away broke her heart. He was her friend, her lover, her protector when the world was out to get her. He was her one. That one that if she let him get away then she might as well give up on love. Desperate and alone Caroline, you're just destined to die desperate and alone.
She was vaguely aware of Sue coming to stand beside her. It was hard to read what must be going through her head. Sue was a terribly complex creature. Caroline wondered if Sue was finally going to go over the edge. Or was this going to send her sane? What would drive most people up the wall would just have to be what would bring Sue down to some semblance of normality. Sue turned to look at Caroline.
"He's picked Holly" Caroline said, as if that would somehow hold back whatever torrent of words was about to burst fourth from Sue's mouth. But Sue stayed silent.
"How are you...feeling?" Caroline asked nervously.
"I don't feel emotion, Dr.Trodd, emotions are for the weak"
"But Mac..." Caroline began.
"Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"
Caroline flinched, holding her ears. She should have seen that coming. She wasn't sure entirely why it had been delayed. Perhaps it had only just dawned on Sue what had happened. Or perhaps it was just the mention of his name. But whatever it was, it hurt. And she got the impression that the entire hospital had felt the shock of it. Sue was lying on the floor now, pounding her fists against it, whimpering quietly and trembling slightly. She's crying on my shoes. Caroline thought. She's snivelling all over my shoes. Oh god. But Caroline couldn't be bothered to do anything about it. Because inwardly, Caroline was screaming louder, longer than Sue. She was snivelling, shaking, stamping, weeping, punching. She was losing it.
Guy was beginning to feel uncomfortable. And without Mac around, there was no one to take it out on. But also, that meant there was no one to stop him taking it out on Martin. He glanced around, but Martin wasn't in sight. Where'd the little runt get to? He wondered. There was Caroline. No. He couldn't take it out on her. It seemed Mac had almost won with Caroline, he couldn't blow it now. Sue. Oh yes. The perfect person to feel his frustration. He kicked her. It wasn't a proper kick. Just enough to make him feel a little better. Until he felt a searing pain in his ankle.
"Ow!" he exclaimed, looking down to see Sue White biting his ankle. He tried to shake her off, but she didn't let go.
"Let go you bloody fucking...woman!" he yelled. Sue started to claw at his legs.
"She's like a wild animal" Caroline commented, not seeming to be bothered about doing anything about it. She seemed to just be enjoying the show. Sue held on for at least ten minutes, before casually getting up and smoothing her clothes out. Caroline and Guy looked at her in shock.
"Well don't gawp" Sue said, as if nothing had happened.
"But..." Caroline began.
"Now I don't know about you, lovely Caroline, but I would say it's about time for a drink" Sue sighed, and she strode off towards the pub.
"Bitch" Guy hissed, not intending her to hear. She turned slowly.
"Bear in mind Mr.Secretan, you have very, very tender ankles. Lovely and succulent to get your teeth in to" she said in a menacing tone, then she continued on her way.
----------
Excuses. All Holly had for him was excuses. He had wanted her to come back for so long now. But the reality was much less glorious than the dream. And all he could think about was Caroline. Looking at Holly didn't make him smile. And she didn't actually seem to care much about him. Not really. Caroline smiled at him and that made him smile back. And all these words Holly was saying to him, she didn't mean any of them. What Caroline had said to him before he left, she had meant every word. But Holly' words were empty. Hollow and meaningless, much like this time he was spending with her. He could have gone up to Caroline and kissed her in the time it had taken Holly to make another excuse. Their walk was coming to an end now. They were back at the hospital, walking through the doors. They came to a halt. And he turned to face Holly.
"So, there you have it. I'm back for you Mac, if you'll have me" Holly said. Mac looked at her, then glanced over to where Caroline stood. She had obviously been waiting for him to return. But now she was talking to Angela and didn't seem to realise he was watching her with a soft smile on his face.
"Do you know how long I've waited for you? How much time you've had? Well it's too long. Too much time. Enough time for me to realise I didn't love you. It was close to love. But now I know what love feels like. And I know that she would never break me like you did. I know that I can trust her. I know that want to trust her. And I love her Holly. It's too late to tell me you want me back, because I'm over you. Thanks to her, I'm over you" Mac said softly. He wasn't cruel, he wasn't unfair. He looked Holly in the eye.
"Bye Holly" he sighed, starting to walk away.
"Mac..." she called after him. He turned back.
"Who is she? This woman who had stolen my life"
"The one" Mac smiled, and he walked away. He was so tempted to go straight over to Caroline. Take her in his arms, kiss her. Tell her he was sorry he hadn't listened when she had tried to tell him how she felt before. He wanted to be with her more than anything. But he knew he should get some space to breath first. Clear his thoughts, straighten things out in his head. So he walked off towards the doctors' mess. He needed a cup of coffee and a rest.