Name of story: Matchmaker – Matchmaker, Make Me A Match
Author: Billybob
Category: one shot – bit of fluff – big time AU – pre HBP
Rated: PG-13: … Due to birds and bees subject matter, but nothing graphic
Word count: 5047
Summary: a one shot at the way RBW and HJG get together, through a not so gentle nudge from some concerned friends.
Once upon a time: A parchment note was sent via owl-post the first day of Christmas holiday
"Albus… Albus are you there?" Arthur Weasleys called from the floo fireplace in the headmaster's office.
"Yes Arthur I'm here, what's wrong?" Dumbledore replied from his desk as he swung around to face the fireplace to see Mr. Weasley's face sticking out of the fire.
"We received a letter this morning from Ron, and Molly and I are really upset about it." Arthur said handing the letter to the headmaster. Who putting on his glasses read;
To: Mr. and Mrs. Weasley
Co: The burrow
This is to inform you of my decision not to return to the Weasley homestead for the Christmas holiday, or for that matter, ever again.
I was deeply hurt when I discovered yesterday by chance, your plans to invite 'the boy-who-lived to share the holidays with those people I mistakenly believed up to now, to be 'my' family.
Clearly you are taking his side over the incident that accrued here at Halloween, and I have just been too thick up to now to realize that if the rest of the wizarding world gives the boy-who-lived special treatment, why shouldn't my family.
After all, why shouldn't you not welcome with open arms into the only home I have ever known the betrayer on your youngest son and only daughter. How can our need for comfort after such a brutal betrayal hope to compare with the need of supporting a back-stabbers thief who stole my girlfriend two month ago?
Foolish of me not to realize until now, my importance in your lives compared to the famous boy-who-lived. Come to think of it, I am somewhat surprised that you didn't also invite his scarlet woman to share the holidays with you so that Ginny and I could have enjoyed the thrill of watching my traitorous ex-best mate and my ex-girlfriend snog each other senseless on the couch right in front of us.
Your contempt for my feelings has been duly noted. Once again the boy-who-lived, has taken everything that ever mattered from me, the only girl on earth that I will ever love and now my family. For by inviting that traitor into your home you have slammed the front door in my face. In fact I now consider the Burrow to be his home now, not mine.
I will keep my promise to my biological mother and finish school, a promise as you may recall, I made when Fred and George left Hogwarts early. I understand the meaning of loyalty, commitment and honor and now that Miss Granger is 'his' perhaps my ex-mum can teach the boy-who-lived those concepts.
I think you should also know that I have resigned as of this morning as a Gryffindor prefect, a position that you have 'repeatedly' pointed out to me, should have gone to the famous Mr. Potter in the first place,
Considering how tried I am of being in his shadow as the bumbling sidekick of the so-called golden trio, losing the badge is no real lost. Besides, now that I am the laughing stock of the entire school for being played for a fool by both of them, I think it is in my best interest to maintain a low profile until graduation.
As I will not be going back to the Burrow ever again, as I shall be leaving the country as soon as I can after graduation, feel free to give my former bedroom to your newest adopted son, 'the-boy-who-lived.' The contents of that room can either be sent to me here at Hogwarts before my departure or burned, whichever is more convenient.
Do not try to contact me or I will be compelled to request a legal restraining order against you.
Respectfully
R.B.W.
PS. Congratulations, your unwavering devotion to the boy-who-lived has now cost you two sons.
Good lord Arthur, I believe we have made a major miscalculation here. Our hope of bring the two estranged ex-best friends together at the Burrow for the holidays to work out their differences has backfired seriously.
"It was a good idea Albus; they haven't spoken since Ron caught Harry and Hermione in the act after the Halloween feast. Hogwarts is a big place and after you allowed Ron to move out of the Gryffindor tower's boy's dorm to prevent him from…doing Harry physical harm! We both thought that a two month cooling off period would be enough time for Ronald to come to except Harry and Miss Granger's relationship."
"That's half the problem Arthur," Dumbledore replied. "Harry and Miss Granger so-called relationship didn't last more than a few days after they were discovered by Ronald and Ginny in a third floor broom cupboard, half-naked moments short of having sex.
Now it should be pointed out that both Harry as well as Miss Granger have expressed to me that what happened accrued as a result of a temporary moment of weakness, a single snog that got completely out of hand.
No imperious curse was involved I checked them myself, nor any love potion administered, even though they insisted that they were not acting rationally at the time. Of course the total lack of evidence of any outside influence didn't help their standings with the two Weasleys who share their house.
That neither of them intended it to happen was improvable, and their efforts to blame a vast pureblood conspiracy only made them appear even more desperate to find any lame excuse possible for an inexcusable act of indiscretion .
Yes indeed, as I understand things, Miss Granger even now refuses to admit any blame for what happened" Dumbledore said shaking his head in disappointment.
Personally Arthur, I believe this was just a case of both of them having the desire to sow some wild oats before settling down with the Weasleys they loved. There has been a lot of sexual tension among the golden trio over the last few years and I think that Miss Granger wanted to be sure that she harbored no suppressed feelings for Harry."
"That doesn't matter now, Arthur replied flustered. "I need to speak to my son right away and straighten out this mess. Molly is beside herself with worry that she has 'lost' another son; all but overwhelmed with guilt and regret.
She hadn't realized that Ron would take so hard her offhanded comments about Harry not being made a prefect fifth year. I myself didn't realize until this letter how much attention I have showered on Harry over the years. I feel guilty too about neglecting Ron's needs while focusing on Harry's."
"Arthur, young Ronald was perfectly right when we he said in his letter that the wizarding world treats Harry differently than anyone else, we are all guilty of that crime, even Ronald himself treats Harry special. No… my friend, this disaster boils down to your son's emotional feelings for Miss Granger.
Hermione's apparent romantic and sexual betrayal of him as a boyfriend, after he had at long last admitted his feelings for the girl, has shattered Ronald's confidence in him-self as a man, making him feel worthless and a permanent loser.
I imagine he feels that if he is unworthy of Miss Granger's loyalty and devotion he is unworthy of any girl's love. Which I believe would go a long way in explaining why he has turned down numerous attempts by other girls here at school to take Miss Grangers place as Ronald's girlfriend during the last two months.
In spite of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, your youngest son steadfastly refuses to believe that he is in any way attractive to the opposite sex. I am however reliably informed that the sudden overwhelming romantic attention being shown to her ex-boyfriend by the girls of the other school Houses, including Slytherin by the way. Has more or less been a major eye-opener for a young woman who had clearly taken certain things such as your son for granted.
The painful truth is Arthur, is that Ronald is still bleeding from an open wound, still hurting from the treachery of a girl he is still secretly hopelessly in love with.
If it is of any comfort, I believe that Miss Granger is painfully aware of what she has lost by her act of foolishness. In spite of her frequent denials to the contrary, she along with Harry have both suffered from the absence of Ron in their lives.
Harry seems to be in the grip of a permanent state of remorse as each of his attempts to apologize to his best friend having been forcefully and repeatedly rebuffed. I think Harry too has come to appreciate the peace maker qualities that Ronald would subtlety employ to keep Harry and Hermione on speaking terms, for the girl is admittedly a bit bossy and opinionated. Now that Ronald is absent as moderator, Harry and Miss Granger has had several rather brutal rows which have left them no longer on speaking to each other.
Miss Granger as I understand it is feeling more and more isolated, Her somewhat-slightly arrogant, know-it-all reputation has prevented her over the years from making more than casual friends beyond Harry and Ronald, and without the diplomatic skills of her ex-boyfriend, few if any of her peers have any reason to get close to her. Now all but friendless, her classroom marks have begun to slip, and her personal grooming habits have begun to rapidly deteriorate.
Worse of all Miss Grangers never say die spunk, is all but gone. She has even asked Professor McGonagall to borrow a time turned to go back and prevent that disastrous night from ever happening."
"Albus you're stalling, where is my son?"
"Aha, you caught me; the truth is Arthur I don't know. I cannot sense his presence anywhere inside the grounds of Hogwarts. He is still two months shy of being legally able to apperate, and his broom and clothing are still here, I just checked. Finally none of the schools port-keys are missing."
"Now what do we do," Arthur said defeated.
"Wait and hope he comes back after the New Year I suppose."
"Can't we sent him an owl, and then track the bird?"
"I doubt it, apparently I have, among others, greatly underestimated the abilities of Harry's so-called sidekick. His marks for example instead of declining after being cut off from Miss Grangers homework help, have actually improved in the last two months and I mean a lot."
"So you're suggesting that my son has been deliberately 'acting-dumb' around Hermione to get her attention by making her feel good about how smart she is?" Arthur said in surprise.
"Exactly," Dumbledore replied.
"But, why Albus, what could Ron possibly get out of this play-acting?"
"Arthur be reasonable, no bloke can ever go wrong giving positive strokes to a girl's ego. Miss Granger's well-known vanity concerning her book-smarts is her primary weakness. Making Hermione appear so much smarter than Ronald actually was an ingenious method of flattery precisely because it was so subtle. I must admit that this strategy was perfectly executed, I doubt even Harry was aware that he was doing it.
I have underestimated your youngest son Arthur but I'm not alone in that. After all, he is the finest wizard chess master that Hogwarts has produced in the last 100 years."
"Then there is nothing we can do? Molly will not be happy to hear I can't contact him."
"Oh I'm sorry Arthur; I didn't mean to imply that there was nothing we could do, I just question the wisdom of interfering."
"Albus, if it will get my son home for Christmas do it; right now a funeral would be a more cheerful event than Christmas will be around here with an estranged Ron."
"I can think of only one way to do that, and it's chancy at best"
"I'm desperate here; my whole family's happiness depends on it."
"You may end up with a daughter-in-law out of this if what I have in mind succeeds, does that thought give you pause? And I mean in the next couple of days, with a brilliant, red bushy haired grandchild in your arms before next September. Can you live with that Arthur?"
"I can certainly live with that Albus," Arthur said with a beaming smile. "Molly has been planning their wedding for two years now; in fact Hermione has been my wife's only hope for Grandchildren for awhile now, that is unless Harry has finally gotten forgiveness from Ginny?"
"He has been begging Ginevra to forgive him for four weeks now, pursuing her all around the castle," Dumbledore declared with a twinkle in his eyes and a broad smile of amusement on his face. "In fact the staff has a betting pool going as to when your daughter will actually 'catch' the young man that has been chasing her. Harry's hooked Arthur; the poor boy just doesn't know it yet."
But getting back to Ronald, what I propose to do is basicly an underhanded, dishonest trick. I am going to play on his deep rooted sense of honor and responsibility. It will involve an outright bald-faced lie which will hopefully make him feel compelled to do 'the right thing' by his former girlfriend. To make this work I should warn you my old friend that you are going to be in this, just as deep as I am."
"The ends, sometimes justifies the means Albus," Arthur replied. "All is fair in love and war and all that rot.-. If this plot of yours will get my son married to the girl of his dreams, I will gladly lie my head off."
"Alright then, follow my lead, and agree with everything I say," the old wizard said his eyes twinkling with obvious mischief.
"Dobby"
"Yes Headmaster Dumbledore sir" The house elf said, appearing in the room the instant his name was called.
"Hold on one second Dobby, while I finish my conversation with Mister Weasley," Albus said in a deeply serious tone.
"Yes sir of course sir" The tiny house elf replied.
"As I was saying Arthur, she is being extremely stubborn about this, Madam Promfry is furious that Death Eaters somehow managed to combined Muggle reproductive science with magic. It's all I can do to keep the Minister for Magic out of this, for you know how the wizarding world feels about unwed mothers."
Arthur's face, which had a pretended look of concern on it, now lit up with understanding, he now knew what the headmasters plan was and he was more than willing to play along.
"But are you sure that it is Ronald's child that Miss Granger is carrying, and not Harry's, after all they were caught red handed…" Arthur began before being interrupted.
"…Oh yes, that was our thought too," Albus said. "But our hospital matron ruled out Harry as the father almost at once. Her tests indicated that…"
"But how Albus," Arthur asked interrupting? "As far as I know, Ronald hadn't had sex with Miss Granger prior to their breakup."
"That's where the Muggle medical science comes in, somehow a student, Malfoy or one of his cronies here at school we believe, somehow acquired a sample of… how do I say this… a sample of your son's seed.
"His … WHAT! - you mean his…."
"Exactly" Dumbledore replied.
"Oh Merlin, and they somehow managed to get Hermione pregnant with this…sample?"
"Yes, I am afraid so. She doesn't know of course that it's unlawful in the wizarding world to conceive a child in any unnatural way, but she is determined to bring her baby to term."
"She would rather go to prison than give up my son's child?" Arthur asked all concerned.
"Yes she informed me that this way, she would still have a tiny part of Ron, the man she truly loves, to carry through her life. Better something than nothing she declared." Albus said in an outright lie.
"Does Ron know anything about this?"
"No I regret to say, we have searched for him but cannot find him anywhere," the cunning headmaster declared while sneaking a peek at the carefully listening house elf. Albus saw the elf's face cloud with concern when he heard of Hermione's baby which changed to guilt when Dumbledore mentioning his inability to locate Ron. Thus confirm the old wizard's belief that Dobby knew where Ronald was hiding.
"Is there anyway Miss Granger can avoid arrest and prison?" Arthur asked right on queue.
"Well yes there is, but only the biological father can do it and considering what happened during Halloween. I doubt Ronald could find it in his heart to forgive Hermione's huge mistake and save the poor girl from either prison time or having her career ambitions ruined forever due to the publics outdated prejudices against unwed mothers."
"He should be told Albus," Arthur said playing his part in this act of deception brilliantly.
"Yes I know…" The old wizard said before pretending to have an epiphany. "That's it…of course why didn't I think of it before. Dobby, do you have any way of getting in touch with young master Weasley?" The headmaster asked already knowing the answer.
"Yes sir Dumbledore sir, Dobby will find a way to find his wheezy"
"Can you tell him that Miss Granger is in peril, facing arrest and prison?"
"Yes sir, Dobby go as soon as tell Dobby why you call Dobby to office."
Dumbledore suddenly had the deer in the headlights look on his face, having forgotten to think of an excuse for the house-elf to be in the office to overhead the big lie, the house-elf was just starting to become suspicious when Arthur saved the day.
"Oh that would be my fault Dobby," Mister Weasley said. "Harry will be staying with us for the holiday and as I know how much you enjoy taking care of him, I was wondering if you would accept an invitation to join us at the Burrow so that you can take care of him yourself?"
Dobby's eyes went wide with joy; his suspicions vanished as his mind was filled with delight at the thought of servings 'Harry Potter sir' he began to jump up and down squealing in joy "Yes…Yes…yes, Dobby is delighted to serve Harry Potter sir. I get message to my wheezy right away.
-Pop-
Thanks Arthur, nice save. For a second I saw my whole plot unraveling right in front of my eyes.
"Do you think Dobby will find Ron, or remember enough to pass on the important bits of this sham?" Arthur inquired in a worried tone.
"House-elves are a lot smarter than they allow wizards like us to know, you'd be surprised. But this wedding cake is only half made… Winkie"
"Yes master Dumbledore sir, the former crotch house-elf said popping into view.
"Will you go and fetch the Head Girl, Hermione Jane Granger off the Hogwarts express Christmas holiday train and bring her and her luggage back to this office."
"Yes master." The elf declared before disappearing with a
-Pop-
"What now Albus, same fib for Miss Granger?" Arthur asked.
"Yes, we must know for certain that Hermione is still in love with your son or really wants him to be her husband. Then we lock them in the head-girl suite for a few days and let nature take its course"
-Pop-
Suddenly into the headmaster's office the current Head-Girl of Hogwarts appeared. Wizards cannot apperate in and out of Hogwarts but House-elves can. Had the old Headmaster know of his Head-girls appearance first hand before this he would have intervened a lot earlier, for Hermione Granger was a mess.
Her skin was pale, her eyes red from weeping, and her cheeks sunken in the manner of someone who had given up eating. Her clothing had a slept in appearance that frankly shocked the headmaster. Worse of all the poor girl was swaying as if from what looked like exhaustion.
"What is the emergency Headmaster," Hermione asked in a monotone.
"Mister Weasley has disappeared, and has threatened to never return to the Burrow because Harry was invited to spend Christmas holiday there this year. Furthermore I have been informed that your own parents are in South America for the Christmas holiday thinking that you too would spend the holiday there.
Apparently they have no knowledge of the Halloween incident or that you and Mr. Weasley are know longer a couple. In others words Miss Granger you were going to an empty House, would you care to explain?"
"I turned seventeen in September Headmaster which makes me legally an adult in the wizarding world, so I can go were I please without a baby sitter," Hermione declared with a tiny hint of her former spunk. "Secondly as the famous so-called golden trio has been disbanded and I am not on speaking terms with either of its former…members, as such I am no longer at the top of the Death-Eaters kill list."
"All well and good Miss Granger, but do you really think you should be traveling alone considering your condition?"
"Condition, what condition?"
"Why pregnant my dear, with child, or more specifically, Ronald Weasley's child?" the headmaster said in a deeply serious tone.
"WHAT?" Hermione said shocked
"My information is that your current run down condition is due to a Death-Eater plot to ruin your reputation by artificially impregnating you with your former boyfriend's child. The wizarding world looks down heavily on unwed mothers due to the pureblood issue, and there are also legal and career penalties involved.
My sources indicate that their plot is the ruination your life as well as Ronald's by set you both up in this way. Knowing that since Halloween you haven't spoken to each and counting his alleged refusal to make an honest woman of you, because he would think the child you now carry is Harry's and not his.
This couldn't fail but to harm Harry by making any hope of a romantic reconciliation with Miss Weasley all but impossible, thus permanently depriving him emotionally of all three of his closest supporters. Voldemort evidently knows of the events surrounding the Halloween incident between you and Harry, but up till now was uncertain of whether or not it was just misinformation being deliberately fed to him by the order.
"But I am not pregnant headmaster." Hermione said in a daze like tone.
"Are you sure of that Miss Granger, when did you have your last period?" Dumbledore asked taking a chance that his Head-Girls stressed out condition had negatively effected her monthly cycle.
This question gave Hermione pause, and on reflection her eyes went wide confirming the headmaster's gamble. That all the emotional torment that Hermione had gone thought since making the biggest mistake of her life, had disrupted the girls' normal reproductive cycle.
"Got-ya" the headmaster thought to himself. "Now all we need now is the blue eyed knight in shinning armor to come along to rescue the damsel in distress."
"What do I do, if it is Ron's I am not giving it up" Hermione said with defiance.
"Miss Granger this much I can tell you, any child in your belly, now or in the future will be pure Weasley. And keeping it is not a problem, provided you can talk the father into making an honest woman out of you.
"What?"
"A wizarding child by law requires two parents; do you love Ronald enough in spite of what has happened to spend the rest of your life with him, as his wife?"
"Yes sir I do, I have tried to apologize for being stupid but he won't listen to me. I have lost the only man I will ever love."
"He loves you just as much as you love him"
"No he doesn't, he hates me"
"Let me read you a small part of the letter he sent to his parents just this morning
"Once again the boy-who-lived, has taken everything that ever mattered from me, the only girl on earth that I will ever love and now my family."
"He still loves me?"
"Yes and more important he is coming here soon, coming to offer you his name and his companionship. You might have to seduce him a couple of times to prove how you feel about him, words just seem to get in the way with you two." Dumbledore said with a smirk.
"Oh I think I can manage that!" Hermione said looking thoughtful.
-Pop-
Right on queue and holding one of Dobby's hands the missing Ronald Weasley appeared in the headmaster office with wand drawn.
"Grab her hand Dobby and get us out of here"
-Pop-
"Well, that will work too," the Headmaster said to the empty space where Ron, Hermione and the house-elf once stood.
"Where did they go Albus?" Arthur asked more than a little worried.
"My guess is one of the larger caves on the far side of Hogsmead where Sirius hid all those years ago after escaping form Azkaban. I also suspect that Dobby won't be going to the burrow until later this evening, but then the train just left and it will be nine hours travel time to London.
"Why would Dobby be delayed?" Arthur asked puzzled.
"Well I believe that Dobby is rather fond of Harry's friends, they are after all the only students here that he has made any attempt to call by name. So I doubt the house-elf will leave his 'grangy and wheezy' in a cold damp cave in the coldest part of December.
Besides as you might know Arthur, house-elves are traditionally very protective of their females when they are with child," The headmaster said in a very amused tone. "Which means that Dobby, thinking his 'grangy' is with child, will transform that cave into the equivalent of a five star Muggle hotel before going to the burrow.
Come to think of it Arthur, you might be able to convince Dobby, and if not you Harry. To have Dobby take some of Molly's cooking to the all but newlyweds.
"Yes I can arrange that, but Albus what good will all this do? As soon as Miss Granger has her first period, our lie will be exposed and they will hate both of us." Arthur said find a huge flaw in the Headmasters plan.
"Arthur my friend that's the beautiful thing about this plot, He things she is with child, she things she is with child, they will have two weeks alone before new year. When you and Molly found out that you were going to have your first child did you brother using protection after you found out? … Of course not!"
"Oh I see," Arthur replied beaming. "Hermione may not be with child right this second, but you're willing to bet that she will be by New Year. Brilliant - Albus, absobloodylutly brilliant!"
Have Molly start planning for a private quick ceremony at the Burrow New Years day Arthur, I will officiate myself," Albus said happily. "And then Molly can hold a more traditional wedding for family and friends after graduation.
In fact you might want to consider a double ceremony, priming the pump as we have today, your daughter may well decide after seeing her brother and Hermione married, to slow down just enough to let Harry catch her and apologize."
"Thank-you Albus, you have saved my bacon at home, nothing would make Molly happier then having our two youngest settled in loving marriages," Arthur said his Christmas holiday saved.
"Glad to help Arthur, I'm always happy to play matchmaker," Albus declared with a smirk, always delighted when his secret hobby of bringing students together in a romantic way worked out. Arthur Weasley was one of the select few who knew how much the headmaster enjoyed playing cupid, that knowledge was what prompted the next question form the patriarch of the Weasley clan.
"By the way Albus. Any thoughts on how to get my other sons to settle down?"
"You're never satisfied Arthur, I have your son Bill and Mademoiselle Delacour on-course, don't I? Arranging Fleur to 'improve' her English by getting the half-Veela a position at Gringotts has the sparks flying hot and heavy between those two," Dumbledore said chuckling.
"Yes-yes I'm sorry Albus, but you don't understand how desperate Molly is for a house stuffed to overflowing with grandchildren, our kids have all grown and flown the coup and she is feeling the empty-nest syndrome big-time."
"Soon Arthur, these things take time." Dumbledore said with understanding.
"I was surprised that your plans for Neville Longbottom fell though. I was sure that was a done deal, what exactly happened there Albus?"
"Miss Lovegood simply refused to cooperate on any level Arthur, some things I'm afraid are just not meant to be. But don't worry about young Neville; my house-elf spy network has detected romantic interest in Mr. Longbottom from a most unexpected source. This interest, if very carefully encouraged, could solve some of my inner-House unity concerns."
"Who is the young lady Albus, anyone I know?"
"Now that would be telling and by revealing it too soon. Such foreknowledge could easily spoil all my fun. Let me just say that bringing these two together will be the most difficult challenge in all my years playing matchmaker, but the long term benefits both for them as a couple and Hogwarts as a whole will make the effort well worth while."
"If you say so Albus"
"I do Arthur, indeed I do."
FINIS
Author's note;
If I left you wondering about Longbottom …good … evil smirk!
More HP fans should write a love interest story for Neville, he deserves a love of his own. Besides, I am, like the sorting hat a 'big fan' of the inner-House-unity plot line apparently abandoned by JKR