Chapter 24: The Big Switcheroo
Harry awoke from a surprisingly pleasant night of sleep, despite the fact that the entire house smelled of cats. He could tell by the snores issuing from behind him that Ron was still asleep. After rubbing his eyes and groping around for his glasses, Harry put them on and turned around to face Ron, who had his blanket pulled over his entire body.
"Psst, Ron! Wake up! We've gotta hurry up!" Harry whispered, prodding his friend in the back.
"Wazzat?" Ron murmured sleepily.
"Get up!" Harry exclaimed, pulling the blanket off of Ron. The moment he did this, his eyes widened in shock, but then a grin broke across his face and he started to laugh.
"Whaderyerlaffinat?" Ron asked, still half-asleep. Harry was laughing too hard to be able to answer. Just then, someone knocked on the door. Harry was unable to respond due to his laughing fit, and Ron had dozed off again. A moment later Hermione came inside.
"Aren't you two awake yet?" she asked, clearly annoyed. A cat quickly darted out the door past Hermione's feet with a mouse in its mouth, causing her to scream. "Honestly, you two, get up!" she said exasperatingly, switching on the lights to find Harry rolling around on the floor with tears in his eyes and clutching his belly. Ron was still lying asleep on the floor with his mouth slightly open, giving him the appearance of a big dead fish. Hermione's mouth fell open in astonishment.
"Ron! What did you do to your hair?" she asked.
"Zzz..." was all Ron said. Hermione marched over to him and kicked his shin.
"Wake up!" she screamed in his ear.
"Owie!" Ron cried, grabbing his shin and sticking a thumb in his mouth. Ron sat upright and started rubbing himself where Hermione had kicked him. Hermione raised her eyebrows.
"Are you going to answer me? What did you do to your hair?" she repeated.
"What do you mean?" Ron asked, putting a hand on his head. "There's nothing wrong-" He stopped short, and continued running his hand through his now waist-length, very curly red hair. "What happened?" he asked, very surprised. "Why do I have girl's hair?" By this time, Harry had eased up on the sniggering and was able to answer him.
"Must've been Fred and George's potion," he answered.
"Well, fix it! Someone's gotta fix it! Hermione?" Ron asked hopelessly, turning to his girlfriend. Hermione sighed and tried a few spells that popped into her head, but none of them seemed to do the trick.
"Nope, sorry Ron, looks like I can't help you today," she said sweetly, putting her wand away.
"But Hermione! I can't go out like this!"
"Too bad! I don't know what your brothers put in that potion, but I can't set it straight! No pun intended You'll just have to wait for them to fix it!"
"But who knows when I'll see them again! We're going to hunt for the horcruxes!"
"I know, but I suppose we can stop by their shop first," Hermione replied. "If that's ok, Harry?"
"Actually, I think Ron oughta keep his hair like that," Harry joked. Ron kicked him but missed and stubbed his toe on the wall.
"Are all you children up?" Mrs. Figg's old voice asked from downstairs. "You better hurry up! The Dursleys'll be leaving for breakfast any minute now!" Harry remembered the Dursleys' weekly Sunday breakfast to which he was never allowed. He would usually sit home alone and eat the scraps from the previous night's dinner (whatever Dudley hadn't eaten, which was basically nothing). Harry jumped to his feet to join Hermione by the door. They looked down at Ron.
"Hey, I'm not going anywhere looking like this!" he exclaimed. Harry and Hermione looked at each other and advanced on Ron. "What are you do-" They each grabbed one of his wrists and dragged him up and out the door.
Mrs. Figg hurried over to the Durseys' house as they were leaving, in hopes of distracting them until Harry and his friends arrived. She grabbed a plate of cookies on her way out as a means of temptation to keep Dudley and Uncle Vernon still. As they went to sit down in the drawing room, the doorbell rang. Uncle Vernon cursed under his breathe when this happened, because he had just settled down on his settee and it would take him five more minutes to wriggle himself out of it to stand up. Aunt Petunia saved him the trouble of doing this by jumping up to answer the door herself.
"Oh my!" she exclaimed when she discovered her scruffy haired nephew standing on her front porch with a mischievous grin on his face. Her shock intensified when she noticed that he had brought along two of his abnormal friends, a supremely bushy haired girl and what appeared to be a rather ugly red-headed girl, or a gender-questioning boy. She decided upon the latter.
"Erm, what do you want?" Aunt Petunia whispered nervously, glancing over her shoulder to make sure Uncle Vernon hadn't seen Harry.
"A favor," Harry smirked, backed up by Ron and Hermione. Aunt Petunia frowned and went to close the door in their faces, just when Uncle Vernon called out.
"Who's there Petunia?" Uncle Vernon asked, getting up from his seat when his wife did not answer. He had waddled over to the door before Aunt Petunia could do anything. Uncle Vernon's face turned red when he saw Harry standing there with Ron and Hermione.
"YOU! What are you doing here, boy?" he demanded. Once Mrs. Figg noticed their arrival, she snuck out and headed back home. Harry ignored him and walked right inside. Ron and Hermione followed.
"I said, what are you-" Uncle Vernon stopped short as the trio brandished their wands.
"We need Dudley," Harry said.
"What? Oh, Diddykins?" Aunt Petunia sounded very distressed.
"You will not be taking my son!" Uncle Vernon yelled.
"Lord Voldemort, or Tommy, if you prefer," Harry said, looking at Aunt Petunia who was now white as a ghost, "is back, and we're going to get rid of him. In order to do that we need Dudley."
"But not my Dudders! Don't take my baby!"
"We assure you, he'll be safe," Hermione piped up.
"No crazy person is taking my boy!" Harry's uncle bellowed. Ron, all the meanwhile, was cowering behind Harry and Hermione, trying to hide his lustrous ringlets. Harry sighed.
"We're willing to use magic on you, you know," Harry told his aunt and uncle. "Unless you cooperate with us." He turned to his aunt. "We know all about you little infatuation with Tommy," he said sneakily, "and we're more than happy to let Uncle Vernon know if-"
"Popkin! Come down here, honey!" Aunt Petunia called curtly.
"What the bloody hell's he talking about, Petunia? Who's Tommy?"
"Oh nothing, you know those type are mad." Uncle Vernon seemed satisfied with her answer. A deep thumping noise grew louder as the house started to shake. Dudley stopped dead in the middle of the staircase when he saw Harry.
"I thought he left!" Dudley said.
"Diddykins you're going to go on a little trip with Harry!" Aunt Petunia told him in a false cheery voice. He looked taken aback.
"But why?" Dudley whined.
"Just do as I say!" Both Uncle Vernon and Dudley looked very alarmed. Aunt Petunia offered her son a muffin and used it to coax him all the way down the stairs. "Now go with Harry!" she said, shoving Dudley towards his cousin. Dudley was too busy eating his muffin to care. Harry and Hermione grabbed Dudley's arms and pulled him outside, and Ron followed. Uncle Vernon scowled when he saw Ron walking out. He despised anything out of the ordinary, including transvestites. Harry led them to the nearby park so they could talk in privacy.
"Alright Dudley, this is what you're going to do," Harry said seriously. "My friends and I have something very important to do, and we can't go back to school. So, you're going to take this potion and pretend to be me," he said, handing over the last small bottle to Dudley.
"I'm not taking any stupid potion!" Dudley cried.
"Yes, you are," Harry said, pointing his wand at Dudley. "Imperio," he whispered. "You're going to take this potion until I come for you."
"Yes, ok," Dudley automatically answered. Harry and Hermione led Dudley back to Mrs. Figg's, with Ron still trying to hide his hair.
"All right you two," Hermione said, addressing Mrs. Figg and Dudley, "why don't you take the potion now to see how it works." Mrs. Figg looked slightly frightened, and Dudley had a blank expression on his face. They uncorked the small bottles and guzzled down the contents, both now looking thoroughly disgusted.
"What the heck did you put in here missy?" Mrs. Figg asked Hermione, who simply smiled sympathetically. Dudley turned green and looked like he was about to be sick. Harry, Ron, and Hermione stood back and observed the transformation. Mrs. Figg's white, veined legs turned pinker and smooth. Dudley's pig nose narrowed out as his blubber disappeared. In mere moments, Harry and Hermione were staring at their doubles. Mrs. Figg ran over to a mirror to admire herself, and grabbed her new bum with a satisfied smile. Dudley wrapped his arms around himself with an astonished expression.
"I'm skinny!" he exclaimed.
"You better go now!" Hermione commanded. Mrs. Figg as Hermione hurried into the fireplace, dragging Dudley as Harry along with her.
"Er, where'm I going again, missy? The Hollow?"
"No, the Burrow, Mrs. Figg. The Burrow."
"Ah, yes." She cleared her throat while still maintaining a firm grip on the amazed Dudley. "The Burrow!" she yelled, throwing floo powder up in the air. They vanished in a swoosh of green fire, and a moment later the trio found themselves alone in Mrs. Figg's house (with the exception of her cats, of course).
"I hope George remembered to take the potion too!" Hermione whispered nervously. "Well, I guess we better be setting off now…"
"Aw come on Hermione, let's have some fun first," Ron said, grabbing her wrist and dragging her into the kitchen where Harry had already retreated and was popping open an old bottle of brandy.