PERSONALITY 7: THE CHRONIC INSECURE PARANOID COMPLEX

Chapter 30: A Morning in the Life of Voldemort

Voldemort sat on his chair, rocking back and forth. "Something terrible is going to happen," he said ominously.

"What's the matter sir?" came two voices at the same time. He looked over to see Wormtail and Grima Wormtongue scrape themselves across the floor with the breakfast tray.

"Don't do that!" he yelled. "The food will get dirty! I'll get sick from the germs! And don't breathe on me!" he shrieked.

"Sorry, sorry!" they bowed out of the room.

Left alone, he sniffed the food. Scrambled eggs. Was there any broken egg shells in there that he could choke on? What about the coffee? He sniffed it. It smelled okay. Yesterday it smelled as if it was laced with arsenic.

"They're going to assassinate me," he mumbled to himself. "One of these days they'll kill me, and take over as the new Dark Lord!" he whimpered at the thought, and snuggled his teddy bear.
He ate his breakfast, chewing carefully each mouthful and swallowed carefully, making sure he would not choke. The last thing he wanted was one of the Worm brothers giving him CPR.

His eyes rested on the tally sheets. Out of habit, he started counting… yesterday there was a 50-50 split between him and Dumbledore. That was bad.

He was still counting when he noticed a small black dot, moving over the sheet…

"SPIDER!" he shrieked. "SNAPE! SNAPE! GET YOUR BUTT IN HERE!" Snape ran in, hair askew. "Yes, my lord?"

"SPIDER! KILL IT! KILL IT!" he pointed an accusing finger at the corner of the room.

Snape pulled his wand out and with a mild expression, pointed the tip at the creature. "Avada kedavra." A tiny green flash of light, and it slipped off the wall, dead. Voldemort thought he could detect a trace of a smile on Snape's face.

"Are you—are you---mocking me?" he said in a steely voice.

"No sir, of course not, sir," replied Snape, bowing low.

"YES YOU ARE!" yelled Voldemort, and started sobbing. "Nobody loves me! Everybody hates me! Even when I was a child, others made fun of me… 'Oh look at Tom! He's unnatural! He's weird! Aw, is 'ittle Tommy afwaid of spiders?'" Voldemort hugged his bear. "Nobody understands me except you, Teddy!" he exclaimed.

"Of course I understand you! I vuv you!" came Teddy's voice, which mysteriously emanated from Voldemort's own throat.

"Aw, gee, thanks!" replied Voldemort.

"I love you berry much!"

"I love you too!"

Snape left the room and rolled his eyes. Honestly, You-Know-Who was getting stranger every day.

"BELLA! GET YOUR BUTT IN HERE!"

Bellatrix Lestrange entered, looking a little strange. "You wanted to talk with me sir?"

"Yes. I had a question for you."

"Yessir?"

"Do you think I'm still good looking?"

Bella rolled her eyes.

"Don't make fun of me! Tell me the truth! I can take it!" Voldemort braced himself.

"No."

"TAKE IT BACK!" yelled Voldemort, pointed his wand at Bella.

"I take it back," she said calmly.

"You don't mean it!" said Voldemort accusingly.

"Of course I don't."

"You don't respect me, do you?" sighed Voldemort, dropping his wand. "Tell me Bella, why don't you think Lily liked me? I was handsome enough for her sister… but why not for her?"

'Not again' Bella groaned to herself.

Voldemort sobbed on Bella's shoulder, blowing his nose on her coat. "Why didn't she love me? I'm so lonely! So lonely! Was it because I wasn't good enough? Maybe I wasn't handsome enough! Not rich enough! Not cool enough! Was I lacking in personality?"


Definitely not lacking in personalities, Bella thought to herself, inwardly smiling. More like too many personalities…

"I heard that!" said Voldemort suddenly. "You're forgetting that I am in advanced Legilimens! Forgetting! Why does everyone forget about me?" he started crying.

Drat, thought Bella. I mean, drat, SIR! she thought the next second.

"That's better," nodded Voldemort, drying his tears. "Will you marry me?"

"No," said Bella. "You've asked me that everyday and I've told you the same thing. No, and never."

"Why?" said Voldemort, his lower lip quivering. "Am I not good enough for you?"

"Eeeh…"

"Am I not handsome enough for you? Am I not rich enough for you? Maybe if I sing you a song…?"

"NO!" shouted Bella. "No singing! I—I—oh look at the time, well, got to get to work.. I have to kill er.. er… well, there's someone I have to kill today! Have a nice day, m' Lord!" Bella ran out of the room.

"It's okay, Teddy, I still have you, and you've still got me. Right?"

"Right."

"And you'll never leave me, right?"

"Right."

"Teddy, do you think I'm crazy?"

Silence.

"Teddy…?"

Silence.

Unbearable silence, thought Voldemort himself. Unbearable silence, pounding into his mind… Waves of desperation flooded his being. No one loved him, yet he knew that. Secretly, he knew…Man. That would make a good poem," he grinned to himself. A few moments later, Voldemort started counting the marks on the wall. He was so wrapped up in it that he didn't hear Percival enter the room, and when he received a timid tap on the shoulder, he jumped and screamed.

"Sorry sir!" said Percival, looking as though he was frightened himself.

"How many times have I told you not to sneak up on me like that!" yelled Voldemort. He quickly scanned the young dark wizard to make sure he wasn't holding a knife… "Stand up!" he barked.

Percival stood looking a little frightened. "Please don't hurt me, sir!" he squeaked.

Voldemort circled Percival, and quickly patted him down. "Okay, you're clear," he nodded and sighed with relief. "So tell me, what are the reports on the Potter kid?"

"Oh… well, he should be going back to school now… So he won't be interfering with any of your plans."

"Plans? Plans? What plans?" said Voldemort suddenly, shooting a paranoid look at Percival.

"How do you know I have plans? Have you been spying on me? Are you reading my notes?"

"N-n-no sir!" said Percival, adjusting his glasses with shaking hands. "I just assumed that being the Dark Lord—"

"Oh, I get it," said Voldemort sarcastically. "I see how it is. Just because I'm the Dark Lord, I'm supposed to have plans! Is that it? Eh? Eh?"

"Well, not exact—"

"And just because I'm the Dark Lord, people can assume things about me!" continued Voldemort, getting excited now. "Stereotyped all my life, that's what I've been! People thinking that I plan, people assuming things about me all the time! Well let me tell you what, Percival," said Voldemort, shaking a fist at his young follower, "You can assume all you want, but I haven't got any plans for you to steal! So there! HA!" he crossed his arms triumphantly.

"Of-of-course," said Percival a bit feebly, looking tremendously confused. "I could help you make some plans if you wanted…"

"Get out you little stinker!"

"Uh okay!" jumped Percival, scooping up his charts and data graphs.

Voldemort sighed to himself. "Plans.. he thinks I can't even make my own plans.. Well I'll show him…" He thought hard for a few moments. "Teddy? Any ideas?"

Teddy still remained silent.

"PERCIVAL! GET YOUR BUTT IN HERE!"

Percival returned.

"Make me some plans," said Voldemort.