5. At troll standi fyrir dyrum

"I found you in Hell — don't you
think I can find you in Jersey?"
- What Dreams May Come

"There are more important things —
friendship, and bravery, and —
oh Harry — be careful!"
- Philosopher's Stone

Latches rattled; the tall door creaked open, awakening Harry.

The faintest glimmer of predawn light shone on the opposite wall, and on the door was the dim shadow of the bulky troll, about to enter.

Oh, no, thought Harry, wriggling in helplessness. It must be hungry already.

At that moment, there was one loud, resounding metallic gong..

He's trapped another goblin — or another human! Oh, please don't let it be someone looking for us!

Fortunately, this time, it wasn't one of the troll's traps sounding victory.

Instead, the troll's head wavered, and he toppled through the doorway to the floor, quite unconscious.

Another shadow appeared on the door. The apparent gong-weapon was tossed in the door, again conking the troll and resounding loudly in the room.

A wet, bedraggled silhouette in a hooded coat came through the doorway, stepping over the troll.

"If you're in here, Ron Weasley, we're even now ... troll for troll."

They would know that voice anywhere.

"Hermione?"

"At your service!"

In her happiness, she started to mindlessly stumble and crawl toward the voice in the darkness. Yes, she could have done a Lumos — if she had thought of it. Like Hedwig, she was still very addled from her experience. "Sorry I took so long, guys. The storm, you know. Even Hedwig wouldn't fly the route again; I had to carry her under my coat. And you know how I detest flying, to begin with."

Ron was amazed. "But... I had the guidebook! How did you get through the tunnels without knowing all the twisty-turny-mazy passage things?"

"Why would I go through all that? We knew where the exit in the courtyard was, so I just flew low until I found the courtyard, and started from there... Ron! You're not telling me you crawled through that stupid tunnel again!"

Ron felt flushed. "Well, yeah, I... I might have. Just to be sure of where I was going, y'know."

Hermione mercifully changed the subject. "At any rate, the troll popped out a few minutes ago, and I followed him on the broom. I decided I could disable him the same way you did in First Year, rather than finding out how much cleverer a forest troll really is. So, I brained him with the heaviest object I could find to swing - that gongy thing, from a sprung trap by the courtyard."

"Good shot," said Harry.

"Of course!" she smiled. "Come on, let's get out of here."

"Like to," said Ron, "but we're a bit tied up at the moment."

"Oh! No problem," she said, finally reaching them in the pitch dark. "But first — allow me one little overdue something."

Despite all the verbal conflict of recent weeks, each of the boys received a very affectionate hug. (One got a silent kiss as well; should I tell you who?)

In a moment, she was softly crying and shaking. "I saw your jumpers in shreds outside, and Harry's glasses in the mud, and I feared the worst! I had to sit watching for the troll, and hoping he hadn't done something already... well, you know. I swore to myself if I ever saw you two again, alive, I would tell you both how much I ..."

Ron blew a puff of air left and right to push aside his momentary faceful of bushy hair. "Good to see you too, Hermione," replied Ron. "Not to spoil the moment, but, uh... wand time? Ropes? Knots? Killer troll?"

"Oh, yes! Of course. Sorry for the sob stuff," sniffed Hermione, wiping her tears and taking out her wand. "Liberare impedimentas," she waved, quickly loosening the ropes.

In the brightness of the wand flash, she took in the scene. "OHMIGOD!"

She quickly stood up and turned away.

"I'm so sorry!" she squeaked, "I wasn't thinking! Now I suppose you wish it wasn't me here, considering that... well, you know — that you're..."

What had Hermione suddenly discovered?

Well, it shouldn't be all that surprising, dear readers. When you're going to cook something, you remove it from its outer packaging, don't you? The troll had simply relieved the boys of all their wrappings. Hermione had seen their discarded robes and torn jumpers, but hadn't made the mental leap to this conclusion! Don't worry, she didn't see anything improper. (And neither will you, because this is Hedwig's tale, and she wouldn't let that happen. No peeking in your imagination, now.)

"Sorry," said Harry. "We should have warned you. The troll was getting us ready to cook us. He was eating the goblins; we were next."

"I belatedly guessed it was something like that, from the scapula bone you sent."

"This is beyond embarrassing, but we've got to get up now, and hog-tie the troll before he wakes. Okay? Sorry."

"Oh! Of course." Hermione briefly lit the room to get her bearings, then hit the unconscious troll with an Immobulus charm. She stepped over his feet and stood outside the doorway, looking out. (No, I don't suppose she would have taken any curious glances backward as Harry and Ron stood up, brushing themselves off. It was too dark. And it would be out of character. Right?) "It's okay, guys, really," she ran on. "I'm sorry it's me here. Forget it's me."

In fact, everyone was sorry at once. They were stumbling all over each other to be sorry.

"Sorry," said Ron. "Wouldn't want to offend you, y'know. I'm sure you shan't be peeking in at us while you're standing there, right?"

"Sorry," said Hermione. "Did it seem like I was peeking? I...I'm looking away."

"Sorry," said Ron and Harry together. They quickly tied the troll's wrists and ankles with the ropes.

"It's nothing, really," she said. "...sorry. Oh, and, Harry, here's your glasses." She handed them over her shoulder.

"Thanks, Hermione...sorry, " said Harry, putting the muddy glasses on. "Uh... you saw our stuff?"

"No, I'm not looking... oh, your stuff! Sorry. It... it's all outside here, in this great mud puddle. But as I said, the troll ripped the jumpers to shreds getting them off you, and I suppose he tore the lot. Except the robes; I saw them somewhere, and they were in one piece. Just find them, and you can wrap them around you."

"Well, that's good to know," said Ron. "If they're in one piece, then maybe our wands are, too. Uh...sorry, can we slide past you?"

"Oh! Sure," she said, stepping out of the doorway into the cold drizzle and averting her eyes again. "Sorry. The robes shan't be very warm in this weather, but it beats the alternative, right?"

The boys left the room, Ron muttering to Harry, "Just our luck, at a time like this, to be rescued by a girl."

Hermione, just the bit tweaked by that remark, stared off into space and smiled broadly. Oh, why not have a little fun with these two? she thought, and started in on them. "Although — if you don't find the robes, it won't be so bad. So you have to walk through Hogwarts starkers to get to your room. So what? I'm sure the girls won't…."

"HERMIONE!" Harry pleaded. "Please? We're embarrassed enough as it is! Sorry. Blame the troll. You just keep looking away, and we'll have the robes on in a minute... well, as soon as we find them in this mess."

"Okay, Harry," said Hermione — and continued winding them up. "It was going to be a compliment, really. How about you, Ron; I suppose you wouldn't like a compliment, either?"

"HERMIONE! IF YOUR EYES ARE CLOSED PROPER, YOU SHOULDN'T BE SEEING ANYTHING TO COMPLIMENT!"

"I guess that's a no. Well, don't worry about me. Forget I'm here." There was a pause, then she added, "Take your time."

"TAKE OUR TIME?" shouted Ron. "This is awful. Hermione, if you keep standing there sneaking peeks and enjoying this, we're going to have to blank your memory!"

"Please don't," she smirked, trying hard not to laugh. "I want to remember you two just as you are."

"H E R M I O N E !" yelled both.

Hedwig, ever the steadfast faithful owl, quietly watched from beneath an overhang, trying to dry off in the wintry air. She was so glad to see Harry again, but she wasn't about to land on him in his present state. Oh, she had seen Harry featherless before; ho hum. Birds pride themselves on plumage! To Hedwig's eyes, Harry and Ron wearing nothing but goosebumps looked as unattractive as a plucked chicken would look to you or me.

Magic was a simple answer to their problem, but the boys had been up all night too, and were as mentally exhausted as Hermione. She came to her senses first.

"Should I help you, before we all freeze to death?" Hermione asked finally.

"Help us how?" said Ron.

"Well, I am a card-carrying witch, y'know."

"Well, there's something we can all agree on," replied Ron, taking his life in his hands.

"Ooooh, you two!" she said, exasperated. "At this rate, we'll be here all morning. Never mind, I'll do it anyway. Accio robes!" In just a moment, their muddy robes flew out of the mire and into her hands. As well, there were a few goblin-size robes from their less fortunate predecessors.

"There we are. Gryffindor robes for sale," she announced, "two sickles each, pay me later. Proceeds to benefit S.P.E.W. Here's yours, Harry; half-price for you, since I learnt that charm when we trained you up on summoning last month."

Harry quickly accepted his robe and wrapped himself. "Why didn't I think of that? Thanks again, Hermione."

Ron danced around, trying to hide behind Harry until he could reach around him for his robe. Just for fun, Hermione handed Ron one of the tiny goblin robes.

"H E R M I O N E !"

"Just kidding. Here." She held out the proper robe, still averting her view.

"After all, Hermione," said Ron, "if this was you, do you think for one minute Harry and I would have been peeking?"

Hermione and a robed Harry glanced at each other, and rolled their eyes. Harry, with a chuckle, answered for them.

"Ron... shut up."

Once more equipped with his wand, Harry summoned his Firebolt from the courtyard, then Ron's broom from the cavern entrance. Hermione left them gathering what they could of their torn belongings, while she went off to notify the goblins about the trussed-up troll and its gruesome deeds.

-o-

Boda, the town official who had suspected the troll all along, was so happy at being vindicated that he immediately paid S.P.E.W. dues — though he put the badge away. (If he had spoken English, he would have found even more reason for it to be inappropriate at this occasion.) He roused the town guard.

When last seen by the departing trio, the goblins of Hordgrund were angrily plotting all sorts of atrocious revenges, even discussing a troll roast . No, no, no, not even a goblin would actually eat a troll, but just the thought of roasting him warmed their bitter little hearts for the moment.

In the end, the goblins reluctantly despatched an raven to the Ministry to arrange for more conventional justice, then proceeded to the dreadful task of caring for the remains of their missing ones. Thoughtfully, Hermione gave them the inscribed goblin bone that had saved the boys' lives.

There would be no more trolls in Hordgrund Castle.

The trio, their little deed done, turned for home.