Chapter IIB: Smart Girl

GRATUITOUS DISCLAIMER: Hmm, his name was actually Kiyohiko Azuma… I discovered this vital fact after I purchased the first manga the other day… which, suffice to say, was a classic paradigm of Japanese culture… :D

Narration by Brad Pitt

Yomi had been obstinately avoiding Kaorin after her irrational (and rather bizarre…) actions the previous week. While Kaorin was usually a vigilant thinker who considered the effects that her actions might have (though this 'mental strength' dissipated whenever Sakaki was around), that seemingly random display of affection clearly contradicted this. Perhaps Kaorin has mistaken Yomi, who was almost unrecognizable in her cheerleader get-up, for Sakaki; though this was incredibly unlikely, as even under extremely close scrutiny, Sakaki didn't even REMOTELY resemble Yomi – in any way whatsoever. Despite this, it was the only vaguely plausible explanation for Kaorin's maniacal deed that Yomi could conjure up; and it was her lack of imagination that brought her to Kagura's house that day. And that day was Tuesday.

Far Too Obvious… Kagura's House

Yomi rapped lightly on the oaken front door, fully aware that Kagura was home (she could hear The Back Horn blaring from upstairs). When there was a faint shuffling and a coughing sound from inside the house, she put on her best pitiful "look" in preparation for Kagura's emergence; apparently, the athlete could read facial expressions extremely accurately (sources: Chiyo, Osaka). Her confidence was partially drained when an unfamiliar young man emerged from the door, lighting up a cigarette nonchalantly.

"Uh, hi... Who are you?" Yomi enquired, thinking that perhaps this was the wrong address (despite the fact that she'd been there at least 20 times prior).

"Hm. You're one of Kagura's friends? She's rather preoccupied at the moment, as it were." the man replied, in between frequent puffs.

"Preoccupied? As it were?"

"Heh, she's got a friend over, you could say. Her name was Chiharu, or something like that… or perhaps it was Sen…"

"Chihiro?"

"Hmm, yeah, probably. Anyway, I'll give her a call, hahaha…"

Without another word, the man hurried up the stairs at the far end of the foyer, leaving Yomi stranded on the doorstep, attempting to be patient. A few minutes later, Kagura and Chihiro staggered into the room, half-dressed and weary-eyed, followed by the young man, who winked mischievously at Yomi before hurling himself onto a leather sofa.

"Uh… Kagura? And Chihiro? What the hell have you guys been doing all day?"

The two girls instantly looked at their feet, blushing. Chihiro was the first to speak, in an indiscernible, pseudo-drunken slur.

"Well… we watching some anime earlier, then we played Final Fantasy VIII, and then…"

"Nevermind what happened then, hehe, yeah, well, we probably lost track of time and played FF for hours or something, hehe, heh…" Kagura burbled, motioning surreptitiously for Chihiro to get her things and depart - ASAP.

"Hmm. Do you mind if we talk? I've got something I need to get off my chest." Yomi asked, remaining composed.

"Talk? What'd you come to me for? I haven't done any serious talking in my entire life!"

The athlete quickly ushered Chihiro out, then invited Yomi to take a seat on one of the sofas, an invitation which Yomi gladly accepted (she had been working out intensively all day… Wonder why?).

"Look Yomi, I'll give it my best shot, but don't have any high expectations for this, alright?" Kagura called from the kitchen. Yomi simply nodded.

"By the way Kagura… who the hell was that guy who answered the door?"

"Haha, that would be Yoshida. Drummer for some local punk band I hear, he's a good friend of my brother's."

"Since when did you have a brother?"

Kagura returned to the room, carrying two mugs of brutally strong coffee.

"This'll wake me up, heh. Anyway - he's not around very often, you see. He generally spends most of his time spading with chicks from various high schools – and a few middle schools as well, haha. He's a bit queer I guess, but he leaves me alone, which is fine with me."

"Hmm, really? He looks a bit out of it, he's been lying motionless on that couch for the last 5 minutes."

"Haha, It's not just Yoshida, there's about thirty others sprawled around upstairs – half of 'em are probably drunk, just like him. The rest of them are jamming in the attic, last time I checked. Anyway Yomi," she took a loud sip of her coffee "what is it you want to talk to me about?"

"Well… it's about Kaorin."

"Kaorin? I barely know her!"

"Yeah, I know that, but according to Chiyo and Osaka… you're very good at interpretation."

"What the hell? Me? Like I said, I'll give it my best shot…"

"Don't stress too much over it."

"Haha, yeah, sorry. Anyway, what do you want me to interpret? Heh, feels kinda stupid saying that… like some dodgy clairvoyant or something…"

"Well, it was on Friday last week, you remember? The sports fest."

"Yeah. Of course."

"Hmm. Anyway, I had just changed into my cheerleader outfit, when Kaorin suddenly appears and tells me I look pretty. Then, apparently out of the blue, she leaps onto me, almost like an infant. I've never seen her act like that before – except perhaps around Sakaki."

"Hehe, I must admit, you didn't look too bad in that gear…"

Yomi grunted impatiently.

"Sorry. Anyway, it seems to me that Kaorin may have some kind of cheerleader fetish…"

"What!"

"…either that, or she's using you as a substitute, or perhaps permanent replacement, for Sakaki… but maybe that's reading way too much into it."

"I really doubt she would see me that way. Her love for Sakaki is indissoluble."

"Even so, she might be into polygamy…"

"Alright, that's enough!"

"Hahaha, sorry Yomi, calm down, I'm just having a laugh here…"

"Just try to think about it seriously…"

Suddenly there was a shifting sound, and an uncoordinated Yoshida got haphazardly to his feet.

"Heh, that situation's pretty interesting. I reckon this 'Kaorin' is interested in Yomi there – there's no other reasonable conclusion as far as I can see." he said coolly, tossing his empty pack of Winfield's on the floor (to Kagura's irritation).

"Like I said, she wouldn't see me that way." Yomi retorted arrogantly.

"Well, I've never seen a woman react to a feminine sign of affection in such a repellent manner, which suggests there was something about the 'hug' that you found unusual, and ultimately worrying. What I'd like to know is - what happened afterwards?"

"Uh… she ran off."

"Exactly. You may begin to grasp my point now, heh. There are a few other factors that need to be addressed though, I think. I'll start with the basics: how long have you two been friends? You, Yomi, and Kaorin, that is."

"Friends? Since the second year of middle school."

"Considering that you're both in your third year of high school, I think my theory may be correct… but there's still a few flaws. You say she was in love with some other woman?"

"Uh, yeah, that would be Sakaki."

There was a brief pause for thought, then Kagura made an abrupt conjecture: "Yomi, you've also been friends with Tomo for a while, haven't you?"

"Yeah… I don't need to tell you that again…"

"Well, what if Kaorin was afraid that you were 'involved' with Tomo, so decided to give up on you? And now, after 2 and a half years enamored with Sakaki, she has begun to regret her decision? She always was kinda shy, at least from my perspective."

"Hmm… she seems to be more open with me."

"Yeah, exactly. Oh, and Kagura, that was a nice assessment just now, heh."

"…thanks."

"Anyway, from my standpoint, I think Kagura should go and ask this Kaorin girl about it directly – a middleman, or woman, rather – and Yomi should, uh… I dunno."

"Well you could stay here if you like, until I get back. My brother's got a hell of a lot of anime and there's a few games lying about."

"You agreed to his plan without question? Ah well," Yomi sighed "I guess I'll go take a look at your brother's collection then…"

Kagura & Kaorin: Hard Talk

Himura District, 2:16 - Kagura, who had been "assigned" to an intensive visitation of Kaorin's house, saw this as a great opportunity to train for the next swimming event (that has nothing to do with the story), which was the Tri-School Cup being held in late May (it is unclear in what month this story is set… hahaha). She started off with a light jog, then upped the amp a little bit for the final stretch, accompanied by the blaring guitars of Eastern Youth (piped in from her latest model dOpi:XTREMEDELTAKANNONsigned by Daisuke Asakura edition… also known as 'Some kind of mp3 player', popular in Lithuania).

She reached Kaorin's doorstep at least 10 minutes before Yoshida's predicted time (2:30; she left her own house at 2:15) and nearly kicked down the door, still caught up in the euphoria of her runner's high. A few moments later, a bemused Kaorin peered out of the doorway, brows furrowed.

"Kagura? What do you want!" the girl demanded ferociously (…despite her mood, she still motioned Kagura to come in).

"Whoa, what's with the welcoming? I just want to have a chat, that's all."

Kaorin looked unconvinced.

"You weren't sent here on anybody's behalf, were you? I'm not interested in talking to a messenger!"

"Calm down; I came here of my own accord, alright?"

"Hmm… I don't trust you at all, but I'll give you a chance. Come up to my room."

Kaorin led the way up a narrow flight of stairs, Kagura leaping awkwardly in her wake (the roof was rather low). Upon reaching the top they took a left down a short, lavish hallway, which was lined with caricatures of various politicians, then arrived at a rather insipid room – though it contained of some of the most clichéd fangirl items Kagura had ever laid eyes upon. She gazed, nonplussed, at Kaorin, who merely showed her a place to sit down (a nice plush loveseat, which was, Kagura presumed, ridiculously expensive) and began cleaning up the mess of mediocre shojo manga that littered the floor.

"So. Get on with it." Kaorin said flatly, after a few moments of silence.

"Oh, yeah, right… Well, I heard about this… thing… that happened on Friday."

Kaorin paused for a moment, it seemed she was apprehensive about incinerating issue 3 of Kamichu.

"And what was this 'thing'?"

"Well, uh… Someone said that you and Yomi were seen… together."

"Seen together? Doing what?"

"Nothing really…"

"Who told you?"

"Uh…"

Kaorin immediately stopped what she was doing and scowled.

"Listen, let me tell you something right now: whatever happened between me and Yomi on Friday has nothing to do with you at all. Something tells me Yomi asked you to come here – am I right?"

Kagura's intuition told her that Kaorin would snap viciously at any moment, so decided to tell the truth, for better or worse. Probably the latter.

"…Yes, you're right."

"To be frank, I'm extremely pissed that Yomi sent a messenger. Another thing that's irritating is that she told YOU, of all people. I bet you've spread it around, haven't you? The hottest gossip to tell your friends?"

"No! I haven't said anything!"

"Sure. Why the hell would I believe you? You lied to me a few seconds ago! Why don't you go back to Yomi's house, and tell her to come and see me directly. I didn't expect her to be this pathetic…"

"What are you saying?"

"Hurry up and get the hell out! I don't want to see you anymore!"

"Kaorin… can't we speak rationally about this?"

"That's enough, bitch! Get the hell out of here!"

Kagura suddenly tensed, her previously concerned expression morphing into an embodiment of unadulterated rage.

"You've stepped over the line."

"Fuck off," retorted Kaorin "you can't intimidate me."

"This is the only warning you get. After this, you can go to hell for all I care. I'm going now."

The enraged athlete gave a curt wave and then departed briskly, leaving a forlorn Kaorin lying hopelessly on her waterbed, with nothing left to do but grieve in regret.

Comedic Interlude… which probably won't work

Chiyo-chichi, Irvine Kinneas and Eiri Yuki were in hot pursuit of a Russian Mafioso convoy when they realized they had crossed over into a completely different 'ficverse'. Or perhaps it was the same one, except with a different title.

"Odd Couples? Where on earth did this come from?" enquired Chiyo-chichi of Noohwan Innbarr-Tikura, a Korean-British-Japanese tour guide.

"Any room for shonen-ai?" asked Eiri.

"How about hetero? Damn, where's Selphie at a time like this?" asked Irvine.

"Oh shut up! Ask the bloody authors!"

Two deities suddenly emerged from a space-time fluctuation (which was created by a NEOTECH Inc. vortex powered by five 'thought-to-be-derelict' nuclear silos situated in over 3,000 undisclosed locations across Siberia) and greeted the trio (+ Noohwan) with a maniacal chortle.

"You invoked us?" asked the brown-haired lunatic, who went by the pseudonym of Kenji.

"I do not recall having summoned a pair of demons." muttered Chiyo-chichi.

"What was that? Oh, and by the way, this segment's over. Make your way back to Quite Possibly… etc. Good luck!"

Vengeance Ain't Yours – But It IS Mine

Kagura stormed into her room and hurled her lithe frame onto her bed, tears streaming down her cheeks. Yomi reeled in shock, and hurriedly switched off the Playstation (the upbeat 'rhyme busting' of PaRappa the Rapper would not help the weeping girl). She climbed onto the bed beside her friend and attempted to console her, though she herself was extremely anxious.

"Um… Kagura… what just happened?" she asked quietly, stroking her friend's hair with the intention of soothing her.

"I've never seen her so angry…"

"Kaorin, you mean?"

"Yeah. I didn't think she had a side like that to her…"

"Well, she's very sensitive."

"Yeah… I know… but today she was furious."

"Why was she so mad? Do you know?"

"I don't know… she said that I was stupid, and that it was 'pathetic' to send a messenger…"

"She misinterpreted it, you weren't supposed to be a messenger."

"Yeah…. mmm… that's nice…"

Yomi noticed that Kagura's body was slowly beginning to relax, and beamed inwardly. Unconsciously her left hand drifted towards Kagura's thighs, which were exposed (she was wearing a skirt, unusual attire for an athlete, yes yes).

"Uh… what? Yomi…? Chihiro…?" the girl moaned. Suddenly Yomi realized what she was doing and made to withdraw her hand, but was compelled to go further.

"Ah… Chihiro… I thought… you'd left…"

It seemed that Kagura was on the verge of slumber, but Yomi wasn't complaining – she seized the initiative, her primitive desires coming to the fore. The now quivering, muscular form below her resembled Kaorin, but also Tomo, and this fact caused Yomi's disobedient hands to roam without discretion, as if completely independent of her. Soon Kagura's garments had been torn completely off, and were tossed negligently in a far corner. As Yomi reached for her bra straps, there was a gasp from the doorway.

"What the hell is this?"

It was Yoshida.

That's Black Gate (damnit… where the hell are the laughs?)

Yomi ambled lethargically down the sidewalk, struggling to restrain the overwhelming despondency that consumed her conscience. She had only a vague notion of where she might be going – Kaorin's house. At first she had been hesitant, but after she remembered the loathing in Yoshida's eyes as he threw her out, she figured that there were few other place to go. Tomo had gone away for the weekend; she wasn't particularly close to Sakaki (though she did respect Sakaki's uncanny concentration ability, which meant she was a good listener for 'sop stories'); Chihiro was too frivolous; Chiyo was too immature; Yukari and Osaka weren't even worth considering and her parents would simply ignore her. Her only options were Nyamo and Kaorin, but she opted for the latter, both because it was closer and because she needed to resolve the situation – desperately.

Yomi+Kaorin/Wish Matrix (this ain't no comedy club)

"Alright. What do you want." came Kaorin's impassive voice over the intercom, after she had refused to open the door.

"All I want is to settle this mess." Yomi replied nervously.

"You've rephrased that a hundred times. Elaborate."

"…Well…" Yomi mustered her confidence – this was only a rung down from a life or death situation.

"Well? I'm not feeling patient today, so hurry it up."

"…Well, I'm fully aware that sending a 'errand boy' is not exactly the best method, and it usually has negative results, but at the time I wasn't thinking about the present – I was mulling over that hug you gave me on Friday, like I had been doing for hours before that. I would've have expected it to turn out how it did, but I didn't contemplate the consequences at all, and I guess… I'm sorry for that. I should have intervened and come here myself – in fact, I should have talked to you about it on Friday, but I was so puzzled and worried by what you did that I couldn't bring myself to face you."
"That's pretty clichéd isn't it?"

"I don't watch TV very much, I wouldn't know. I thought it was obvious, but I guess I should make this clear – this isn't some lame excuse, I'm speaking as truthfully as possible here – 'from the heart' if you like."

"I can see that. Well, listen; I've decided I'll let you in. My room's upstairs, left, last right."

Yomi noted that Kaorin's voice cracked slightly on the last few words. She wondered distantly what this might mean, and then the door opened.

Yomi+Kaorin/Sleepless Beauty (Chris Rock hour)

Immediately upon sight, the two women embraced each other.

"Yomi."

"Kaorin."

Both names were mumbled in unison, as if it were some sort of two-part mantra. Then, as if nothing had happened, they parted, and lay on the waterbed, wearing pokerfaced expressions.

"You know, this whole thing was way too melodramatic." Kaorin commented.

"Yeah."

Who Knows What Happened In The Last Segment? I do! Haha!

On Sunday, 11:00 AM, Yomi awoke in her own bed, after an intense nocturnal discussion with Kaorin, which lasted until 3. Eventually it was concluded that they could not be together – despite the naïve emotions that had arisen within both of them over the course of Friday and Saturday. Both girls were somewhat ashamed - Yomi had fretted over a simple gesture of openness; while Kaorin had fretted about what effect her actions might have had on Yomi. Later, Kaorin divulged that she still loved Sakaki deeply, and clarified that it wasn't just a foolish obsession – she actually had a plan to progress their relationship. Yomi felt rather miserable at the time, but now she was rather indifferent – though she was proud of her friend for finally taking a proactive stance towards the 'Sakaki situation'. As she heard the familiar melody of Iceman's "Beauty Site" emanating from her clock radio, she chortled. Everything that had happened was exactly like a second-rate television drama, or some hackneyed anime – but ah well, she figured; It's just another case of life imitating art.

Can You Feed That Hybrid Rainbow? No, can't you read the sign!

Kenji sighed irately, and reluctantly tossed the manuscript for "Odd Couples Pt II: Problematic Pairings" into the unfathomable depths of Gate.

"I guess my fantasies of Nyamo/Chiyo and Sakaki/Illapalazzo will never be fulfilled…"

"Since when was Illapalazzo an Azumanga character?" Sakako asked, disgusted.

"Um… character? We're talking about real people aren't we?"

Hahaha. Did you get that?

Kenji's note: This is COMPLETELY different from how I originally planned it... Jeez, it's so radically different it almost feels like I'm telling a different story, but ah well. I'm proud of this chapter. :)
I noticed that some of the characters have completely different mannerisms this time around. Ah well, perhaps it's just one of those days.

By the way, Yoshida is based on Yoshida Tatsuya, the drummer for the Japanese metal-progrock-avantgarde band, Ruins. A few other references; The Back Horn are a Japanese alt-rock band, you probably know them; Daisuke Asakura is a renowned producer, who was also a member of pop groups Iceman (my personal faves), Access, T.M. Revolution and Mad Soldiers; the "Vengeance" chapter is a reference to the Shohei Imamura film entitled Vengeance Is Mine; That's Black Gate is a song by Iceman; Wish Matrix is also a song by Iceman; Beauty Site is (obviously) another song by Iceman; and finally, the last segment refers to a song by the pillows, called... yes, it's Hybrid Rainbow. I put all the names in bold so you can go look them up! Have fun!